I disgust myself. Greatly.
I don't know if there's any word to describe this feeling.
Maybe there is.
But even I can't say if it's the right one.
How important is family to you?
I don't think I love my family that much.
I think I love my mom, my dad and my brother, but not my family.
I think I love them one by one, but not all of them together.
I "think" because I'm not sure if I am not too selfish to know what is love.
I used to love my family a lot, until they force me to choose a side.
I don't want to choose nor to be on anyone's side.
I want just to be on my side.
But am I allowed to?
I want to run away.
As I have always done for my whole life when there're problems.
Problems I don't want to solve.
Problems I'm afraid to solve.
But I don't want to leave her behind.
I don't want to leave him behind.
Will I be able to move on without them?
Will they be able to move on without me?
But I'm really really scared.
I'm scared that if I stay any longer, everyone will see how horrible I am.
I'm scared that they will all leave me when they find out.
I'm scared to be alone.
To be left alone.
But even me want to leave myself.
Then who doesn't?
I wish I could hate him deeply, or love him just like I used to.
But I can't.
I do care about him.
But not that much.
Not anymore.
Not enough to forget what he had done.
Not enough to be blind and ignorant.
Or are they just reasons I made up to cover my faults?
Whatever he does, I still have to be nice to him.
That's what people expect me to do.
They say it a lot.
But is it true?
Is it anywhere close to the truth?
I'm tired.
I don't want to through away my dignity.
And wear the mask of "nice" all the time for his MONEY.
Have I been that disgusting?