I wasn't going to post this today, but since I saw your excitement on the sneak peak that I posted on my Wattpad profile, I decided to stay awake to finish writing it and post! 

This is a very long chapter (it took me 6 hours to write), and one you've probably waited for... so please leave your inline comments! I would love your thoughts throughout the chapter.

Also please hit the star button on the parts from 326, and bring them up to count. ✨Once I feel like most of you are caught up, I'm willing to post faster, even daily again. ❤️

--

The air was getting chillier, and the leaves began to rustle on the tree they were under. 

As chilly as the air was though, it didn't match the chill in Anirudh's heart, when he saw Bondita on her knees in front of him, begging for him to forgive her.

The first thing he did -- before he could process a word she said, was grab her shoulders and try to pull her on her feet... but she dug her knees against the grass, refusing to be swayed. A panicked breath escaped Anirudh's mouth, and he fell to the ground in front of her, crossing his legs, and instead wrapped his arms around her smaller frame, and pulled her on his lap. 

Bondita was shivering as she was pulled on his lap in a sideways position, her head rolling onto his shoulder. She was shivering from the cold, and the fear that loomed in her heart. Fear of hurting her Pati Babu... fear of finally confessing to him of her guilt, and fear of how he would take it. As relieved as she had been that he opened up to her, she was afraid... afraid of how unknown this situation was. 

Nothing could be predicted. Nothing at all.

One of Anirudh's hands had rested around her back, his other hand looping around and caressing her hair, as she shivered against him. 

"Bondita, what are you saying?" Anirudh finally said, "It... can't be your fault. There's nothing that you need to ask for my forgiveness for. And there never can be." 

Tears pooled in her eyes. 

She was his Goddess. Even if she committed a great sin, it would be a virtue in his eyes. She knew that there was nothing she could do, where he would ever accept that he was in a position to forgive her for. Nothing at all. 

Of course, there were times where they would get into small arguments, but it didn't mean that they worshipped each other any less. The respect and love they had for each other was always above their indifferences. 

"And I'm not hurt..." Anirudh lied. "I'm... not... in pain. So don't say things like you can't see me hurt. I'm not hurt." 

Bondita looked up at him from his shoulder, and she whispered, "Don't... lie to me." 

That outburst a few moments ago had showed his pain very well. 

"Bondita..." Anirudh whispered, his heart feeling constricted, his eyes getting wet. "I didn't mean to yell... I didn't mean to s - scare you." 

"Yell..." she whispered, "Please... if it releases what's in your heart, then yell. I'm here to listen. I won't get hurt. Yell Pati Babu!"  

"Yell?" Anirudh asked her, as she trembled in his arms. "Bondita, I don't want to yell at you. I want to... l - love you." His eyes held freshly coated tears, as he admitted this. 

"Then d - don't blame yourself," she sobbed, her fingers clutching the collar of his kurta top, her fingertips gently grazing his neck. "Don't blame yourself! It's not your fault! E - even if it shouldn't have happened, it's not your fault Pati Babu!" 

Anirudh gazed at her, his eyes holding a painful intensity. "Then is it right to say it's your fault?" he questioned, his fingers caressing her hair, "Is it right Bondita, to call this your mistake?" 

A painful sob escaped her lips, and she trembled further on his lap. She didn't answer him. She couldn't. 

Anirudh brought his finger to her chin and lifted it up so that she could look at him. "Tell me Bondita... how can this be your fault? When I was the one who..." his voice cracked, "Who h - had no control." 

"B - because I... I was the one who d - demanded it. Who always bothered you... pressured you..." she cried, "I was the one who t - tried to seduce you all the time... who m - mocked you when you s - said we should wait. The t - truth is that, if I n - never asked you, y - you wouldn't have... not until I was a barrister... I s - should have listened t - to you... t - then this wouldn't have happened... I always should have listened to you." 

The tears flowed down her cheeks, as Anirudh cradled her in his arms against his lap, his own heart paining when he heard such words from her. Such completely, false, words. 

"How could you?" he asked her, concern in his dark expression. "How could you for once think that this is your fault?"

He leaned close to her, so that his lips were only an inch away. 

"Do you think that this... wouldn't have happened, if you hid what you wanted? Do you think our limits wouldn't have gotten crossed?" he asked, his thumb gently brushing the softness of her lower lip. "Do you think t - that I wouldn't have kissed you? That I wouldn't have made you mine...?" His throat was hurting, it was sore, the tears pooling in his eyes, a reflection of the agony in his heart. 

"You wouldn't have," she told him, confidently, yet painfully. 

Anirudh shook his head, and as if proving a point, leaned even closer to her. 

"This..." he murmured, his warm breath on her lips... just a little bit closer, and his lips would be on hers. "Is not your fault Bondita. Do you understand?" 

She shook her head, unwilling to accept it as she cried, "It is my --" 

Before she could say anything further, he had pressed his lips on hers, kissing her with urgency, burying her sobs in the back of her throat. 

"I wanted you back then, I want you today, and I'll always... always want you Bondita," Anirudh growled against her lips. "It's m - my fault that I couldn't separate my desire from my love --" 

Before he could blame himself of anything else, she had wrapped her arm around his neck, from her slightly lower position on his lap, and pulled his face down, slamming his lips harder against hers, as she deepened the kiss. 

Anirudh felt her tongue on his lips, forcefully parting them open. He gripped her hair, his fingernails gently scraping her scalp in a pleasurable manner, as he returned her kiss, bending over her. Her mouth was intoxicating. Very, very intoxicating. 

-- 

Binoy, Sampoorna and Somnath were already waiting in the car. Trilochan and Batuk were lingering by the doorway of the Das Haveli, waiting for Anirudh and Bondita to return. Kalindi, and Rimjhim were with them. Rimjhim was giving Batuk sly and nervous glances every so often, but Batuk didn't notice a thing.

Chandrachur arrived, his eyes red and puffy.

"Oh Jamai Babu, you're back," Thakumaa said to him, "But it seems like my Mishti Maye and Bondita are missing now."

"I think we should leave Big D here!" Batuk announced dramatically.

Kaka glared at Batuk and said, "Anirudh will stay here alone?"

"Alone? What do you mean alone? Boudi will be with him!" Batuk retorted.

Kaka coughed and glanced at Kalindi as she looked at him, a faint pink tinge on her cheeks.

"I... I mean..." Kaka stammered.

"Zamindar Babu, I think that you need to rest your brain," she said lightly.

Kaka's face turned red, and he gripped his cane quite hard.

"BATUK!" he suddenly yelled, "GO AND SEE WHAT ANIRUDH AND BAHU ARE UP TO!"

Batuk rolled his eyes and asked, "Kaka, do you want to traumatize me or what?"

Kaka glared at Batuk, not understanding what the boy was saying! What did he know about trauma? When the trauma that he himself had faced all these years, when Anirudh and Bondita were making him a fool was far superior than any other possible kind of trauma?

Chandrachur furrowed his eyebrows, when he heard of the word trauma, his own traumas being relived.

Rimjhim leaned towards Chandrachur and whispered, "Where is Tupur, Jamai Babu?"

"I don't know," he replied.

"She wasn't with you?"

"No..." Chandrachur muttered, "Not at all."

The colour drained from Rimjhim's face and she looked at Batuk again. Was she with that boy? No... she hoped that her daughter wasn't such a fool! 

"I'll go and see, but Kaka, they'll probably just order me to leave from there!" Batuk huffed, before storming off to go and see what they were upto.

An insecure expression reached Chandrachur's face, and he also slid out of the door, to try and see what was happening with the two hormonal lovebirds!

Batuk approached the area where the two of them were talking, and when he witnessed what was happening, he rolled his eyes. 

"I knew it!" he said dramatically to himself, "I knew I was going to get traumatized! Kaka should've just seen this instead!" 

He turned on his heel and was about to go back, not in the mood to interrupt and be yelled at, when he noticed Chandrachur heading this direction too. 

"Oh - my - God," Batuk groaned dramatically. "What's this nuisance doing here?" 

Chandrachur reached Batuk, and peered over his shoulder, noticing Anirudh and Bondita's position, their lips locked in the most intimate manner, holding each other and kissing each other like their lives depended on it. 

His eyes widened and his already puffy eyes, watered again. 

"Chandrachur Dada," Batuk said sarcastically, "What are you doing here?"

Chandrachur couldn't even answer, because he was heartbroken to see the two of their lips on each others lips, in such an intimate position, as if they had no worry for the world! 

They had come out here to finish what they didn't finish inside? His heart was going chur chur just thinking about it... and here he was witnessing it first hand!

"He must have gotten traumatized too. That's why this loud speaker is suddenly quiet!" Batuk announced dramatically, and then he grabbed Chandrachur's kurta top. "Let's go from here." 

"W - what? Go?" Chandrachur asked feebly, but Batuk started dragging him away by pulling on his shirt. 

"Of course! You want to watch them have sex or what?" Batuk questioned quite boldly. 

SEX? 

Chandrachur's wet eyes widened beyond measure! "O - out here, they would not... nobody would..." Chandrachur mumbled, heartbroken. 

"Why do you think nobody would?" Batuk huffed, and then in his mind said, I had. Not here, but by a tree far behind the haveli... with your wife, before she became your wife! When she was my girlfriend!

Batuk cleared his throat and instead said, "Trust me, you don't want to know about their traumatizing encounters! You will want to rip your ears out! They had traumatized just my ears until now, but I just got my eyes traumatized too. Thankfully they were just kissing! I didn't see anymore! But they're so wild, that they'll do it anywhere! I know them! They have a trillion fantasies too!" 

Chandrachur felt his heart break with every moment that Batuk called them wild, and traumatizing! On top of that... million fantasies? How could he even handle this burn that was rippling through his heart?

I have a really big heart Bondita, because despite all this, I still want you! Chandrachur thought in his mind, his heart shattered into tiny pieces, as Batuk dragged him all the way to the haveli. 

"Trust me Chandrachur Dada, I have no intention of being so concerned about you... but I know how traumatizing they are! And I doubt you're so innocent, but anyways, consider me your hero for protecting your innocence!" Batuk was rambling on the way back, as Chandrachur quietly stared ahead, a dead look in his eyes as he got pulled, feeling like he was not just lifeless, but soulless too. 

When they got back to the haveli, Batuk told Kaka that Anirudh and Bondita didn't seem like they'd finish their 'conversation' anytime soon, and Kaka sent Batuk with Binoy, Somnath, Sampoorna and Sashwati back to Tulsipur. 

Trilochan insisted that he himself would stay back to wait for Anirudh and return with him... and just like Anirudh didn't seem to be in any rush, Trilochan wasn't either... for he had Kalindi's company to enjoy until the moment that Anirudh returned! 

Chandrachur just retreated inside, to find an empty corner of the haveli, as he attempted to come to terms with how heartbroken he was feeling.

-- 

Outside, after a few moments of kissing, Anirudh broke the kiss and looked at Bondita, who was laying cradled in his arms, like a little baby. 

He admired her features. Her eyes, even though they were swollen from the crying, were beautiful. Her lips were slightly swollen too from the kissing, and Anirudh just leaned down and pecked another kiss on them. 

"You need to understand that this isn't your fault," he told her firmly. 

"You need to understand that it isn't yours either," she whispered, and then her hand travelled across his chest, feeling his muscles from over his kurta top. "B - because I want to... take your clothes off... right now... and... make love..." Her cheeks turned slightly pink. "I can't... help it."  

Anirudh looked at her, shaking his head slightly, as he asked, "We are outside. Anyone can come and see us... and you want to...?"

Bondita sat up properly, and then started to remove her pallu from her shoulder, undressing herself. 

Anirudh looked at her as her pallu dropped, his eyes wide from shock as he saw Madame's restlessness! 

He turned his head left and right to make sure nobody was around, before he turned to glare at her. 

"Have you lost your mind Bondita?" he snapped.  

They had been in the middle of a serious conversation, albeit some kissing in between, and she suddenly wanted to undress out here in the open?

"What's wrong?" she asked breathlessly, reaching to her blouse and starting to unpin it. 

Anirudh grabbed her hands, stopping her before she got any further, a dark expression on his face.

He hissed at her, "The grass is wet! It's cold! And you want to... here?" 

"With you, I want to anywhere," she just told him, and moved his hand off her chest, so that she could continue to unpin her blouse.

Anirudh gaped at her, his mouth falling open slightly, as she removed the top pin of her blouse, exposing her cleavage to him. 

"Bondita, no!" Anirudh told her firmly, not even being swayed by her cleavage right now.  

He gripped her hands and pulled them off her chest, reaching to her blouse, and pinning it back up himself. Once he did that, he placed his hands over her breasts protectively. 

He looked at her squarely in the eyes, and told her seriously, "If you want to that badly, we will go inside and do it. Not out here. Not in the cold or on this grass!" 

When he said that, her heart did flutter. Despite all the guilt and pain, he was still willing to unite with her... just because she wanted it. How much her Pati Babu loved her, to leave all his sorrows behind just for her! To satisfy her, he was willing to do the very thing he concluded himself guilty of... that too in the depths of his guilt, like today. 

"But that'll ruin the moment, if we go inside. I'm turned on right now. I want to do it now and here," Bondita responded childishly, with a pout on her lips, "Pati Babu, aren't you turned on?" 

An angry expression reached his face when she started to argue with him about this. Why didn't she understand? Why didn't she get it?

"BONDITA, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW TURNED ON I AM, I WILL ALWAYS PUT YOU FIRST. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" 

A wide smile suddenly reached Bondita's lips. 

"Exactly," she breathed out, causing Anirudh to look at her with shock, as it hit him that Bondita played him.

"See Pati Babu... how could you blame your desires?" she questioned, as Anirudh watched her, his mouth nearly falling open at her mind-blowing abilities.  

Tears coated her eyes again as she whispered, "Only I know how much self-control you had back then. How much you held yourself back so that I wouldn't get hurt. So that I would be comfortable. I know... because I saw it all!" 

Anirudh continued to watch her, his eyes growing wet all over again, as she expressed how well she understood him... more than he even understood himself.  

"I bought that velvet nightgown... I came to you... to try and seduce you. But what did you do? You called me beautiful, you told me you were turned on... but you wouldn't do anything, because no matter what, you would only do what's best for me," she whispered tearfully. "You waited so long... because you didn't even want my first time to be painful. You eased me in... you used your fingers, one at a time, because you didn't want me to feel any pain. Only after all that foreplay, all those moments... did you even consider it. You kept my desires and well-being first, always. You held yourself back even in the heights of pleasure. You never... lost control."

Her words did something to his heart... but he couldn't resolve this so easily. He knew that she would justify him, and that was exactly what he didn't want. 

"No... Bondita, that's not --" 

"Wait, let me finish," she went on, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I pressured you... asked you again and again why we can't have sex. I told you that nothing would happen to me... I even said that if I were to become pregnant, it's okay. We can manage. I never saw this as a threat or a big deal. But Pati Babu... I failed... I failed because I didn't listen to you. I didn't agree with you, when you knew what's best for me... I pressured you... I forced you." 

Heavy sobs began to escape from her lips, and she whispered, "And because of that, you have gone through so much pain. Because I forced you." 

Anirudh shook his head, and he cupped her cheeks immediately, not able to take this blame she was giving herself.  

"Right now... didn't you just try to pressure me Bondita? Into making love, right here in the open? Did it work? No, right? So stop blaming yourself! Your pressure was never the reason. It was never the reason, I took those steps," he told her, furrowing his brows. 

Bondita felt tears form in her eyes, as he also used his tark shakti to defeat her. 

"And I never even saw it as pressure. So don't call your honesty pressure. For me, it was your real, raw self. One that didn't feel any shame in front of her Pati Babu... one who saw her Pati Babu as her own self. Just like one doesn't feel any shame when their hand rubs soap on their own body while showering, you never felt any shame with me. You always felt like there was no difference between you and I," he murmured to her. "So how can you call it pressure to speak of your desires to your own self?" 

He told her firmly, looking her squarely in the eyes, "I always found everything about you as beautiful. Even your sexual desires. How could I find anything about m - my Bondita less than beautiful?"

She watched him, the tears rolling down her cheeks, as he spoke to her in such a liberating way. One who paved her path, and lit it with the most beautiful of lights!

"The reason I took those steps was because you..." He took a deep breath and confessed, "You were ready... it was the right time to give you these pleasures. The physical pleasure you deserved as my wife. I didn't want you to lack anything... and I always... always kept you in the forefront of my mind. I always took responsibility of you. Whether that's your emotional needs or physical needs. Whenever the time was right, I always gave you what you needed, what you deserved... and I did feel the time was right for our union."

A pained look entered his eyes and his voice cracked, "B - but I was wrong Bondita. The time wasn't right... and I h - had desires too." 

"So what? What's wrong with desires?" Bondita questioned quickly, and she cried out, "Pati Babu, are you s - saying what we did was..." 

"Wrong," Anirudh confirmed. 

She got off his lap and stood up straight, putting her pallu back over her shoulder. Anirudh stood up as well, facing her. 

"Wrong?" Bondita questioned, suddenly feeling her heartrate rise again, as a stinging pain descended on her heart again, "What wrong did we do? Tell me Pati Babu. What wrong did we do? To make love... to express love... we - we are husband and wife! We have every right!" Tears started to roll down her cheeks as she added, "I agree... I agree, that we could have waited... but how c - can you feel guilty for our love?" 

Anirudh just looked at her, swallowing the painful lump in his throat. 

"Silly girl," he said to her softly, "You... you don't understand. Just to try and make me feel better you're saying this. When the truth is that, you also find this wrong! That's why you're suffering in guilt! Guilt you shouldn't be facing." 

"Yes, I'm trying to make you feel better," she retorted painfully, "Because it's not your fault!" 

Anirudh wiped the sweat that formed on his brow and he said sadly, "It is Bondita. It is. No matter how much you try to make me feel better. No matter which angle you take your arguments, or you try to prove otherwise... the truth is that, I still let it happen. I was always the pilot of this relationship. I was always the driver... the one who decided when to take things forward." 

"No! It's not your faul --" she started

Her eyes and words were full of conviction, but he was not going to hear any of it, because there was a buried frustration that was on the verge of coming out. 

"BONDITA, STOP!" Anirudh suddenly yelled, throwing his hand up in the air, as the frustration that she kept on defending him (who he believed to be a criminal) unleashed, making her look at him with fresh tears. "STOP DEFENDING ME. THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT THIS SHOULD - NOT - HAVE - HAPPENED. NO MATTER WHAT. IT JUST SHOULDN'T HAVE... AND HERE... IT DID! IT COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED, BUT --" 

"We tried to avoid it!" Bondita cried, interrupting him, "We were taking the medications! Properly!" 

"Bondita, the best medicine would have been to wait! Abstinence!" Anirudh yelled, "Tapur made a big mistake by switching the medicines, yes, but we were the ones who couldn't control our hormones... and I was the one who didn't put a stop to this when I should have --" 

"You're still... blaming yourself..." she cried, trying to hold his hand, but he pulled it away from her grip angrily, "Pati Babu, it's done now... m - maybe it's a good idea to n - not blame ourselves. Not you... not me either... maybe n - neither of us should, and b - both of us should instead try to be h - happy." 

She held back a sob. Everything had been going well lately. It seemed like both of them had been shedding their layers of guilt. It seemed like they were acknowledging the romantic feelings, the desires they had for each other, and using love to recover from the guilt. 

Then what happened all of a sudden to bring her Pati Babu back to this state? 

"You're right. It's done. What can we do now?" he asked her, suddenly looking lost as Thakumaa's explanation about the shaad rituals replayed in his mind. There was one option still... an option that could save Bondita from the uncertainty of childbirth. "We can... choose to... l - let this baby go... but, I know you will never choose that. And I won't... force you." 

"I told you I will --" Bondita started, tears in her eyes, "I told you I will choose it! A - abortion... I - c - can do... it."

It was killing her inside, because she had somewhere in the depths of herself, started forming a connection with the one inside of her womb. But... she also knew what her priorities were.  

Anirudh looked at her, tears in his eyes, his heart aching too at this possibility. For some reason, he also... was starting to feel horrible about the idea. As if, something would be snatched from him as well, if they went through with it. 

"You don't really want to!" Anirudh hissed at her. 

Bondita placed her hand on his arm gently and said, "What I want the most is for you to be happy... and I am willing to do anything for that. Anything." 

"Forget it Bondita," Anirudh told her darkly, and brought his hand to hers on his arm, brushing his fingers over it lightly, unwilling to push her hand off this time, despite the frustration within him, "You have to stop doing things for me!" 

"The day you stop doing things for me!" 

Anirudh's gaze softened when she called him out like that. She knew how to use words in the most magical of ways... in ways that could potentially rid him of even his deep-seated guilt. 

He cupped her cheeks and said to her, suddenly lovingly and softly after being melted by her magical words, "That'll never happen. I won't stop doing things for you, for as long as I live...." An intense look appeared in his eyes, "And I am even daring enough to say, far beyond my lifetime too! In every moment of time this universe is in existence, I will always live for you." 

Her heart melted too, further tears filling her eyes. As long as the universe existed, they would come as a pair, always being not just two halves of a whole, but rather two wholes immersed together as one. 

"Then don't tell the waves to flow against the current of the ocean! Don't tell the sunlight to stop appearing every morning! Don't tell the earth to stop bearing our weight! And don't tell this Bondita to stop worshipping her Pati Babu!" she cried out fiercely. "Just like her Pati Babu lives for Bondita, Bondita also lives for her Pati Babu! It's as real as the laws of nature, and it cannot work in any other way!" 

Her words seared through to his soul, moving his heart and consciousness deeply. 

"Bondita..." Anirudh cried, and without another word, pulled her close, hugging her tightly, her words healing scars deep within, that he didn't even consciously know he had. 

Bondita wrapped her arms around his body, as she held him just as tightly, with just as much need, desire, and love. 

This push and pull game that they were playing was full of pain and passion... but also full of love... lots of love, and a deep understanding, where their fears and pain could come out along with even disagreements, but their ego never could. For they had surrendered that long ago, and melted it in the flame of their love for each other.

-- 

Precap:

"You're... not arguing... because... of the pregnancy?" he questioned. "B - because you blame yourself... that... that..." He couldn't even finish speaking of it, the tears in his eyes burning now. "You blame yourself... so you stopped arguing? Is... that it, Bondita?"

--

"I can't let you... d - die..." he whimpered, the world spinning around him as he felt dizzy, and fell to her arms. "B - Bondita, I can't..." He pressed his lips on her neck and cried, "I can't lose you Bondita. I - c - can't - lose - you."

-- 

The final layer of their hidden sorrows come out in the next chapter! How will Anirudh and Bondita navigate through these feelings? And where will this take them?

--

I hope you enjoyed this part! 

Please share your thoughts. I'm not sure how I feel (probably because this chapter drained me to write), so I need your reviews to recharge. 🙈

Anything that stood out/that you liked? 

Any predictions?

I've already written a huge chunk of the next chapter. It was initially going to be a part of this chapter, but this part got super long, so I had to cut it off here!

If you are excited for more, and would like a fast update, hit the star button on the parts from 326, and do share your comments on this part!  

Love you all! ❤️