From his position over her, Anirudh looked at her sleeping face, silently worshipping the features of the one who had always kept him entranced. 

His eyes lingered over her closed eyes, her cute nose, her soft cheeks which she inflated a lot like balloons whenever she was upset, her pink lips which had been the source of his many pleasures. 

He gazed down to her blouse which was completely revealed to him.

Did he make a mistake by surrendering to his wife in a physical sense? Very likely. He still needed to heal from those wounds.

However, Bondita's letter made Anirudh see things in a new light; his Margdarshak, she was, after all. The one who lit his path.

While the residual feelings of guilt and heartbreak over things not working out the way he envisioned lingered, he was also aware of another side of it now. 

A side which revealed that perhaps there was another perspective to see this situation in. That even though it hurt, maybe in the future, this may not hurt like it hurt today. Now... the pregnancy didn't seem like a death sentence to Anirudh anymore. He didn't feel dead. Bondita had feared that he would be a living corpse -- now he wouldn't be. 

After reading her letter, he got a sense of hope... a hope that illuminated the dark recesses of his mind. 

Only Bondita could do that for him. 

And she had. 

Tears obscured his vision, and he gazed at her heavenly face again. 

His voice cracked, as he asked in a tone of wonder, "Bondita... how do you do this to me? How do you create such a mental shift in me, where I go from feeling dead, to feeling alive... by your mere words?" 

He wanted to kiss her. Everywhere. All over her face, all over her body, he just wanted to shower her with his kisses. Kisses of gratitude, kisses of prayer, kisses of love and desire. He felt all of it towards her. 

But where to begin? Where to start? 

Anirudh glanced at those pink lips in the dark. He wanted to latch his lips onto hers, aching to kiss them after what felt like millenniums. A mistake it had been, to love her. A mistake it had been, to succumb to his desires. Yet, he couldn't help the thirst building in his heart for her. 

How badly I want to kiss you again, Bondita. How do I stop myself from giving into these desires again? How do I stop the yearning that I have for you? I... I can't. I need you. I can't... hold back... 

His mind grew foggy and he instinctively approached her lips, the desire to kiss her, to love her, getting stronger and stronger. 

Just before his lips could touch hers though, he did stop himself. 

What was he doing? He would wake her up. She had been so exhausted... and on top of that, she was pregnant. He couldn't wake her up, just because he was craving to physically love her again. 

A frustrated look appeared on his features, and he sat up on bed, unbuttoning his shirt with furrowed eyebrows, while Bondita continued to sleep peacefully. 

The buttons on his shirt would hurt her, and he couldn't let anything hurt her. 

Removing his shirt, he tossed it on the floor that his waistcoat and brooch had already decorated, and he laid down on his side, gazing at her and letting her beauty sink within him.

Wearing his dress pants to bed was quite uncomfortable, but he was afraid that if he took his pants off too, then he wouldn't be able to stop himself from desiring her again. 

And he didn't have the heart to leave her for a single moment now, so he couldn't even go back to his room and change, let alone sleep there. No, he refused to depart back to his lonely abode tonight... not after Bondita had illuminated his mind so beautifully.

So half-naked, Anirudh just approached her on the bed, laying on his side, his hand wrapping around her stomach, and his lips pressing against her ear from the side, his nose inhaling the scent of her hair. 

Bondita's breathing quickened in her sleep, as he inhaled her natural fragrance. 

"Pati Babu..." she murmured in her sleep. 

Anirudh stayed quiet, afraid that if he spoke, she would wake up. 

"Sorry... Pati Babu..." Bondita mumbled. "Sorry..." 

Anirudh lifted his face gently and looked at her with a concerned gaze. Why was she sorry? 

"B - Bondita..." he finally whispered, "Why are you sorry?" 

She just kept sleeping, not responding to him. 

So Anirudh rested his head back down beside her, nuzzling his nose against her hair and holding her lovingly again. 

He recalled the night that she slept with Batuk, she had also apologized to him... saying that she was Badmaash Bondita, and he should forgive her. How it was all her fault. 

What was her fault? 

He furrowed his brows slightly, wondering whether there was more to this situation than he was seeing. 

-- 

The next morning, when she regained consciousness and before she even opened her eyes, she realized that she was trapped by a familiar, strong arm in bed. 

Her eyes opened and she noticed that Anirudh's face was pressed against her ear, and he was snoring lightly, his arm wrapped around her stomach, holding the opposite end of her waist, and keeping her body firmly against his shirtless body. 

A blush appeared on her face, her heart hammering hard immediately, as she grasped this situation. 

She could feel his hot breaths on her ear as he snored, the warmth of his fingers on her waist, suddenly fueling other kinds of desires within her. 

Her Pati Babu slept here... last night? 

That too... without his shirt? 

Her blush got deeper, and she turned slightly to face him, his lips grazing past her ear onto her cheek as she turned, making her feel an excited tingle in her spine. 

Bondita placed her hand on his shoulder, tracing her fingers over his muscles, as she admired him in his sleep. She moved closer to him on the bed, her lips getting pressed to his throat, as she wrapped her arm around his bare torso and hugged him. 

At least, while he slept, she could hug him as freely and tightly as she wanted. 

She didn't know what made him sleep here last night, but she was happy he was here. This moment was a treasure for her. 

Anirudh's eyes opened, and Bondita squeezed her eyes shut, afraid that if he saw her awake, he would leave her and go. 

When Anirudh noticed the position Bondita was holding him in, hugging him from her side, her lips pressed to the Adam's apple on his throat, he couldn't help the flutter in his heart. He wrapped his arm around her, caressing the back of her blouse, and running his fingers down to her bare lower back.

As soon as he brought his fingers to her back though, he was immediately met with the feeling of her curves, and he couldn't help the sudden rush of hormones that built within him again. 

All his feelings of guilt got muddled with the desire, and he couldn't tell what was what anymore... all he knew was that he was wanting her more than ever. 

It's good that she's sleeping. Otherwise she would feel it, Anirudh thought in his mind, his mind getting foggy again. 

Little did he know though, that Bondita had felt it. Against her stomach, the hardness that had formed, which was giving her a difficult time keeping still, because she was also aching to get even closer to him. 

She knew what was good for her though, so she kept still and quiet. 

Anirudh didn't remove his hand from her back, his fingers instead moving down to her waistline where her saree met her bare skin. He started to trace her curves with his hand, making Bondita's heart hammer so fast that she thought it would explode out of her chest! 

She nearly gasped when she felt his hand cup her bottom, rubbing against her saree, as he caressed the softness there, his erection getting harder against her. 

She wanted to moan! He was causing an explosion inside of her, just by his mere touch. 

Bondita gulped, unable to stop herself, feeling incredibly thirsty. When she gulped though, her lips slightly pinched the skin of his throat, and Anirudh stopped massaging her bottom. 

Oh God. He had gotten so lost in his instincts and desires, that he hadn't even realized when his hand had moved down from her waist to her bottom, and he began to feel her. 

He quickly brought his hand back up to her hair. 

"Bondita...?" he asked softly, caressing her hair. "Are you awake?" 

Bondita squeezed her eyes shut, and shook her head cutely to indicate no, wanting him to continue what he had been doing. 

Anirudh couldn't help but smile, when he felt her shake her head against his neck. 

Oh, so madame was pretending right now. 

"It seems like Bondita is sleeping," Anirudh said out loud, a little dramatically as he teased her, "I guess I'll go back to my own room and let her rest..." 

A gasp escaped her lips, and she opened her eyes immediately, lifting her head to look at him. 

A smile formed on Anirudh's lips when he saw her cutely glare at him. 

"Oh, so you're awake," Anirudh said to her, a look of happiness in his eyes that morning, that hadn't been there for the past few mornings. 

She furrowed her brows at him, but inside she felt a sense of satisfaction that he looked so much better today. 

"Are you upset with me?" he asked her softly. 

Bondita pouted, knowing that he would not feel her body while knowing she was awake. 

It seemed like despite both of their guilt regarding their sexual intimacy, their nature was getting the best of them, and they both were craving to hold and be held by each other in that way all over again. 

"What is it Bondita?" he asked her lightly. 

Bondita sat up on bed, revealing her half-naked body to him, since the pallu of her saree was still off her shoulder. Last night her silhouette was shown to him, but this morning the sunlight illuminated her body, a glow being cast onto her skin. 

Anirudh gazed at her, entranced all over again.

"You're sleeping here, Pati Babu?" she asked him instead. 

Even though she was very happy that he was here, she was still concerned. What brought him to her arms last night, after this separation? Had something negative happened instead? 

Anirudh sat up, revealing his half-naked self to her as well. 

Bondita looked at his body, and bit on her lip. She was fighting the urge to push him down on the bed and kiss her way down his chest and stomach... oh... how she wished she could ravish that body of his again! 

"Last night... I found something," he told her softly, the tone taking a serious turn, and she looked up into his eyes. 

Anirudh reached to gently touch her hand, and Bondita shivered with delight when his fingers pressed against hers. 

"Your letter Bondita," he confessed. 

Bondita looked at him with surprise. 

"You read my letter?" she asked. 

Bondita never brought it up before this, because she thought that there was no use now, when he had already found out the truth from external sources. She thought that her words would have no value, now that he had already drowned himself in his guilt and depression. But seeing how he was behaving this morning, she was wondering... did the letter have an effect on him?

Anirudh nodded in response to her words, looking down, a guilty look in his eyes suddenly, not even sure how to begin. 

"Pati Babu?" Bondita said softly, adjusting her hand to hold his tightly against the bed. "What did you think?" 

"Bondita..." he said, his voice thick with emotions, "You have always thought about me, my well-being, my happiness. You have always worried about me. The way you wrote the letter, I knew how much you must be going through because of me. I really troubled you. I troubled you a lot." 

Bondita shook her head, but he continued speaking. 

"When I found out about... the p - pregnancy," he started, his words still stuttering when he spoke about it, because it was still not so easy for him to accept, "I thought that your life was finished. It was ruined. Not just our dreams and your future, but also your health would suffer." 

Bondita teared up when she heard this, because she knew. She knew that this was what would drive him to depression. 

"If... If I hadn't read your letter... Bondita... I don't know what I would have done. I somehow managed these last few days because of you... because I couldn't disappoint you. I tried my best to accept things, to work on it, for your sake, but the truth is that I was only waiting for an explosion to happen after pushing the sadness inside. An explosion into further sadness and misery..." 

Bondita took a deep breath, her heart aching when she heard this. The image of her Pati Babu with that bottle of alcohol, when she came here from Krishnanagar during the time that she was being forced to marry Chandrachur, flashed in her mind. 

She was worried, he would go through the same insanity.

The only thing that saved him this time, was the fact that Bondita was here. 

In front of her, by her side, he didn't dare to do such absurdities. He didn't dare to put her through that kind of trauma. So he forced a smile, and tried really very hard for her sake... even if he couldn't succeed, at least he tried. 

"When I read your letter though... I don't know what happened. I can't explain it. But there was a hope that was ignited in me... a light, that you lit Bondita," Anirudh confessed. "You knew... you knew all along about how I would feel, you understood the dilemma and struggles I was going through from the beginning, which is why you wrote the letter in that way. And the way you wrote it... it worked." 

Bondita looked at him, tears trickling down her cheeks now. 

It... worked? 

Anirudh reached to her cheeks and cupped them, making Bondita look at him with shock. 

"As always, you pulled me out of the darkness..." Anirudh told her sincerely, "You did, Bondita. You." 

She didn't know how to process all of this. 

Was everything okay now? Just by the letter? 

There was only one way to find out. 

"Pati Babu," Bondita said softly, looking into his wet eyes with her own. "Our dreams..." 

"Shh," he murmured, bringing his finger to her lips and shushing her, "No talk about dreams." 

"B - but --" 

"Your focus is on... this new phase of your life... and your health," he told her sternly.

Bondita gazed into his eyes, and detected that slight pain that was there when he said this. No, everything was still not okay. It couldn't be okay so easily. While he felt a little better, while the dark cloud of depression perhaps left him, it still wasn't time to talk to him about the future. This was only the first phase, and there were many that were left to come. 

Guilt didn't get wiped away so easily. The crumbling of dreams wasn't recovered from so simply. There was a process, a natural law. And they would both have to go through that process, because she was guilty too.

Still, they could be in the deepest of pits, but if they were together, then the journey, the struggle, and the constant support from each other made everything worthwhile. It didn't mean the pain would go away, or that the struggle would be any less. It just meant that despite the pain, there would be a truth that shone. The truth that was eternal.

Bondita nodded in response to him and she wrapped her arms around him on the bed, pressing her face against his bare chest and inhaling his scent. Anirudh hugged her back, caressing her hair lovingly. 

As Anirudh held her to him, he felt a little more free than he had felt yesterday. 

He closed his eyes and enjoyed the embrace, his mind drifting to what he had been doing while he thought Bondita was asleep earlier. 

The desire for her had gone nowhere, and it seemed the more he tried to push it away, the stronger these urges were getting. 

He couldn't figure himself out. On one hand, he was certain it was his fault that Bondita was suffering... but on the other hand, he kept being inclined to make these mistakes again and again. 

What was wrong with him? 

After they broke the embrace, Bondita looked at him and asked softly, "Did you find the sindoor Pati Babu?" 

"The sindoor?" Anirudh asked absent-mindedly, and then he remembered that he had told her he would find her the sindoor last night. "Oh... sorry. I forgot!" 

"F - forgot?" Bondita asked, and suddenly her lips started to tremble, as tears invaded her eyes, feeling her mood take a sudden, perhaps irrational, emotional turn. "Y - you forgot my sindoor?" 

Anirudh looked at her with shock. 

She was crying over sindoor? That too so suddenly?

"Bondita, I'll get it now. Don't cry," he told her reassuringly. 

"T - there's n - no t - time to find it," she sobbed, tears pouring down her cheeks, "I- I d-don't k-know w-where it i-is." 

Anirudh wiped her tears away and he said in a soft and loving voice, "It's okay Bondita. You must have a little bit here, right?" 

"N - not enough!" she wailed. 

"I - I'll ask Sampoorna Maa then," Anirudh said, his heart aching as he thought that he would have to confront her again. He was so afraid of the words that he would have to hear from her... but for Bondita's sake, he could go and confront her too. 

"N - no not Sampoorna Maa," Bondita cried. "For some reason, asking h - her for sindoor doesn't feel right!" 

"Why?" Anirudh wondered. 

"I d - don't know!" 

Probably, inadvertently, she was becoming his Rakshak. 

"Bondita, you can go one day without sindoor --" he started, and her eyes widened like he was suggesting such a blasphemous thing! 

Anirudh gulped when he saw her expression, and then the next second she started to cry loudly and heavily, scaring him. 

How was Anirudh Roy Choudhary going to deal with his wife's sudden moodswing? 

--

I hope you enjoyed the chapter! 

I may post one more part today... there are some things I've been itching to write, and wished to get to it in the weekend spree, but wasn't able to. So... there is a chance for faster updates in the next few days. 

Many of you got it right. The guilt isn't over... and it is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. However, there is also a positive turn and awareness forming now, which ends phase one of Anirudh's acceptance; where he won't feel like a living corpse anymore. He might still feel terrible, but he won't feel dead and extremely depressed... so her letter did its job and pulled him out of his depression. Just as he said, she is his Margdarshak, after all. 💞

Any thoughts about this chapter? 

Anything that stood out to you/that you enjoyed? 

What do you think about these instinctual desires that the two of them are feeling for each other that keep surfacing no matter how much they push it away? 

How do you think Anirudh will deal with his wife's pregnancy moodswing? 🤭

Excited for the next one?

Remember to hit the star button to show you're caught up and eager for more, as always, and please do leave your thoughts!