Anirudh had gone to his office by the court. 

Just like he was filled with darkness within, so was the room. Anirudh hadn't turned on the lights. 

He sat on the chair by his desk, his eyes closed, trying to breathe for hours. It had become hard for him to get used to this feeling. 

He felt suffocated, oppressed. 

His heart was beating hard and fast, not in a rhythmic manner, and his breaths were barely coming out. 

Not only did he feel impure, he felt disgusting. He felt like he had someone's touch on him, that wasn't meant to be there. 

And the worst part was, that even after meditating upon Bondita for years, even after her being the force behind every breath he took, he wasn't able to stop what had happened. 

He wasn't able to stop someone from touching him... someone who wasn't Bondita. 

Anirudh felt like he failed in his worship, his devotion, his bhakti. He felt like he failed Bondita, and himself. 

How could he not have been alert? How could he not have realized that she wasn't Bondita? 

He was supposed to be able to recognize Bondita's touch in the deepest of levels, but here he had failed to stop such an injustice. 

Even though Anirudh was shivering from his soul, feeling violated, the reason he was most upset was because he felt like he failed his Bondita. 

After some time of sitting in the darkness, his eyes wet, he decided he needed to call the haveli. 

He knew Bondita. 

She was loyal. More loyal than anything. She would wait by the door for him. She wouldn't eat a morsel of food without him. 

She was absolutely stubborn in her devotion. 

Just like he should have been. How had he lost his way? 

Anirudh decided he had to call her, to make sure she didn't spend her night by the doorway, hungry, waiting for his arrival. 

So he picked up the phone in his office and called the haveli. 

To his relief, Kaka answered. 

After speaking with Kaka, he heard Bondita's voice on the phone. 

"Dusht Babu! You're very bad! You didn't inform me before leaving! You knew I was waiting!" 

Upon hearing her cute words, he couldn't help but feel a warmth in his ice cold heart. A small smile played on his lips, beyond his control. 

Then he was reminded again, of the fact that he disappointed himself. He was a disappointment to her. He had to be. 

So without a word, Anirudh put down the receiver and hung up the phone, his heart aching. 

"I'm sorry Bondita," he whispered hoarsely. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what explanation to give you. I don't know how to face you. I can barely look myself in the eye... how can I even look at you? How can I even speak to you?"

-- 

At the haveli, Bondita blinked a couple of times when Anirudh hung up the phone. 

She put the receiver down, a sad look on her face. 

Did he hang up by mistake? If the call got cut, then surely he would call again. 

Kaka eyed Bondita, as he tried to speak to her about that horrendous matter! 

"Bahu, the way you spoke to Anirudh... that word you called him..." 

"Dusht Babu?" Bondita asked, absent-mindedly, her thoughts on Anirudh. 

Kaka winced when he heard this from her mouth again. 

"Yes... a wife... calling her husband that, is it right, Bahu? I'm only asking... I trust you, I do!" Kaka said quickly, and gulped. 

Trilochan wasn't merely asking her. He didn't want clarification. He just wanted to tell her off for speaking to her husband in this tone! 

He was still trying hard to trust his Bahu. However, habits and rigid beliefs were hard to get rid of. 

Bondita looked up at Kaka and asked, "Kakasasurji, should there be any barriers between a husband and wife? Any reason to hold back?" 

"Of course not. A husband and wife should have no barriers between them. None," Kaka said to her. He emphasized the none, trying to indicate that they shouldn't have physical barriers between them either. 

"Then if I want to say something, and I don't because I'm trying to be a 'good wife' then doesn't it mean that there are barriers between us? Where I don't feel comfortable speaking my mind?" Bondita questioned. 

Kaka gulped, and nodded, surrendering to her Tark Shakti once again. 

"Yes Bahu... well, if you are removing barriers between you and Anirudh, then that is a good thing. Keep going. I will support you in every barrier you remove!" Kaka told her, nodding his head adamantly. "Every single one! Without limits!" 

"Yes Kakasasurji, it seems like there are some mental barriers left to remove..." Bondita murmured, thinking of her Pati Babu and wondering why he was behaving this way with her. 

Something was not right. 

"Mental barriers? Of course. Remove those. But remove every barrier... mental... spiritual... physical," Kaka said, heavily emphasizing the physical word. 

Bondita looked up at Kaka and questioned, ignoring his 'advice', "How did Pati Babu sound on the phone to you Kakasasurji? Did he sound upset? Hurt?"

Kaka glanced at Bondita, a worried look appearing on his face now. 

"No, I don't think so," he answered, "He told you to eat, study and sleep on time though. Have you not eaten yet Bahu? Go and eat first." 

Bondita said, "If Pati Babu hasn't eaten, then how can I?" 

Kaka replied, "How do you know if he hasn't eaten?" 

"I just have a feeling..." Bondita murmured. 

Kaka grinned. 

"You are a great wife Bahu! A wife should definitely not eat until her husband is full," Kaka said with a grin. 

Bondita forced a smile at Kaka and said, "Kakasasurji, this isn't a wife... but a bhakt whose devotion is towards her Guru."

Kaka breathed heavily, his heart hurting. 

Bhakt. Guru. God. Goddess. 

These were all the words that described them. Their relationship was spiritual! And this was Kaka's biggest problem!

Husband. Wife. Needs. Desire. 

This was a foreign language! Their relationship seemed like it could never be human! They would be stuck in this divine love of theirs forever, forgetting that physical love was also a thing!

"For how long Bahu?" Kaka asked, pain in his voice. 

"Forever, Kakasasurji," Bondita replied earnestly, a depth in her eyes as she answered. "I will always worship him as my Bhagwan. Until the end of time... and even beyond that, in the realm of timelessness." 

Kaka felt a pit in his stomach when he heard this. 

Bondita worshipping Anirudh as God was great, but it should be because he was her husband. However, it seemed like the situation was opposite here. She worshipped him as God, but he just happened to be her husband. 

Being blessed with a grandchild from Anirudh and Bondita was a dream that he had long given up on, because they had traumatized him out of the experience already.

However, he still wished that he would be surprised. Sometime soon if possible. 

'Durga Maa, sometimes answer my prayers too,' Kaka thought in a disheartened tone. 

-- 

That night, Anirudh had a vision of Bondita in his mind's eye. 

He had his eyes closed and Bondita's face appeared in front of his closed eyes, looking extremely angry.

She was reminding him of Durga Maa quite a lot right now -- at a moment where she was on the verge of slaying a Dusht demon. 

Perhaps that was him -- or rather, the ignorance within him was who Durga Maa was on the verge of slaying. 

"Pati Babu, you're running away from me again!" she yelled angrily, her voice strong, echoing and loud. "Didn't we decide that we will solve all problems together? Then why are you running away? Why don't you tell me what's wrong?!" 

Anirudh said out loud, his voice cracking, "B - because I know you'll accept me Bondita. I know you'll say it's okay Pati Babu. That it doesn't matter. I know you will still hug me like I'm pure, like I deserve you... but the truth is that I can't meet my own eyes for failing to recognize you... and how can I come to you, just so you hug me and tell me that you accept me like this? You're too good Bondita, you'll forgive me in an instant... but I'm not good enough to forgive myself." 

Bondita's angry face in his vision got even angrier, and she was fuming now, breathing hard. 

He had never seen her angry like this in real life. Not to this extent. And if she was angry beyond limits, it was never directed at him. Not yet anyways. 

In a way, this was quite amusing. Fun. A side of hers that he always craved to see. 

"Come home right this instant. RIGHT NOW! You don't have the right to leave me. Get back here. NOW." 

Anirudh twitched in his seat, nearly jumping at the tone in his mind. 

He wasn't scared. Her anger at him would never make him afraid. 

He loved to see this form of hers. 

A form of her where her anger was directed at him when he deserved it. Not just her silence. Not just her tark shakti. But her raised voice, her fierce eyes, like she could wage a war against him for not doing the right thing. For running away from his responsibilities. 

For running away from her. 

That was when it hit him, and his eyes sprung open. 

"What am I doing?" Anirudh said to himself, "I know that I am guilty, that I can't look myself in the eye. But I'm only giving you stress Bondita. I'm only worrying you. I... I should face you. I should at least tell you." 

He took a deep breath and added on, "After all, I am disappointed in myself because my prayer to you wasn't strong enough. That I allowed another girl's lips to touch mine and forgot about you... that I wasn't aware enough to recognize that my Bondita wasn't her. If I run away from you even now, I'm adding to my sins. I couldn't think of you back then. At least... let me not hide from my Goddess now." 

After all, his ever-permeating Goddess was able to find him even in the corners of the Earth. He could go anywhere -- and she would find him. 

Just like she guided him through closed eyes today, she would always find a way to show him the way. 

His Margdarshak, His Bondita. 

-- 

When Anirudh came in the room, it was dark. 

Bondita was in bed, looking like she was sleeping, so he quickly went inside the bathroom to freshen up and get ready for bed. 

Bondita opened her eyes, when she heard him enter. She wasn't sleeping. She couldn't. 

How could she, when she knew that he was avoiding her? 

How could she, when she was so worried about him? 

It was two in the morning, but he was back, and this relieved her more than anything else. 

After Anirudh came out of the bathroom in his dark blue silk pyjamas, he slid in bed beside Bondita, and turned his back to her. 

They had gotten a new style of pyjamas as well, in the last four months. Of course, Bondita's choice. 

He was quite relieved that she was asleep. He wouldn't have to face her at this moment. 

He wouldn't have to fear that she would forgive him, until tomorrow. 

After all, this was what he was fearing the most. Her loyalty. Her forgiveness. When he couldn't even forgive himself. 

A few minutes later, Bondita edged closer to Anirudh on the bed, trying to handle this tactfully. She didn't know the issue, so she had to be careful in her approach. 

She wrapped her arm around his waist, gently finding his arm and tracing it up to his hand. 

Then she wrapped her own hand around his hand, pressing her face into his back, resting against him. 

Her face left an imprint in his silk pyjama robe. 

Anirudh tried not to shake with guilt as he felt her touch. 

She was awake after all. 

He took a deep breath and moved his hand away from hers. 

Then he sat up on the bed, his throat feeling dry. 

Bondita sat up too and placed a hand on his shoulder. 

"Pati Babu... what's wrong?" she asked softly, only seeing an outline of his features. Her eyes had adjusted to the dark to this level. 

Anirudh didn't answer, but he took her hand and gently brought it down on the bed, resting it against the quilt, and then letting go. 

Bondita looked at him with pain in her eyes now. He didn't even want her to touch him? Why? 

"Did I do something wrong?" she asked softly. "Are you upset with me?" 

Anirudh shook his head in the dark like a little child, but he was unable to break his silence. 

"Then are you upset with someone else? Did someone else do something wrong?" Bondita pressed. 

Anirudh looked down with guilt. 

Surabhi did do something wrong. 

But his anger wasn't directed at her. Not more than his disappointment in himself. 

"Tell me Pati Babu," Bondita said softly. 

He shook his head, his eyes getting wet now. 

"Pati Babu, tell me," Bondita ordered again. 

Anirudh shook his head again, like a little kid who just didn't have the bravery in his heart to face his fears. 

Bondita reached for him again, and rubbed his shoulder lovingly, gently massaging it. Anirudh melted into her touch. It gave him so much comfort, support, warmth. 

But this was his problem. 

He didn't deserve this. 

Bondita said softly, "Please don't stay silent Pati Babu. Your silence is worrying me. If you don't want to talk about it... at least tell me that, and I won't force you... at least say something -- even if it's to say that you won't talk to me. Is there a reason behind your hesitation and your silence Pati Babu? Why do you look so sad?"

Anirudh finally looked at her, his eyes intense and pained. "Because Bondita, I have committed a sin. A grave sin." 

"And what is that?" she asked, looking at him, her heart beating faster -- not because she suspected him, she would never suspect that someone as pure as him could ever sin. Rather, it was out of worry, because she was afraid of how hard the situation must be, for him to think of something as strong as sin.

She was afraid that the situation wasn't as simple as it seemed. 

"You aren't the only one... who has... touched my lips..." Anirudh confessed, tears trickling down his cheeks and his voice cracking now, "B - Bon --" No, he couldn't take her name anymore. He had no right to. "Someone else... another woman... her lips touched my lips."

Bondita looked at him, eyes widening, as tears entered her eyes as well.  

-- 

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! 

Did you like the part with his Margdarshak, Durga Maa/Bondita in Anirudh's mind's eye? 

Kaka's traumatized talks and Bondita's answers to him? 

How will Bondita react to Anirudh's confession? 

Are you excited for the next part?

Please press star and leave your comments for faster updates. 

Love you all very much! 💛