Dear Diary,

Everyone in my hometown of Who Village likes Christmas a lot, but as for me, who moved away two years ago... I decided I'd rather not.

I hate Christmas. The whole Christmas season. Please don't ask me why, I don't feel like getting into the reason. It could be perhaps that the carols are perpetual. It could be perhaps that I'm just premenstrual. But if you want a reason that isn't fake... it's because my heart is full of longtime aches...

I had my electric fireplace turned on at just the right temperature. I had the complete series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD. I had my pajamas on. My pantry is stocked with all my favorite snack foods. And best of all, not a single Christmas ornament in sight! I put a frozen pizza in the oven, and the first episode of Buffy was playing on the TV.

I sat on the couch and sighed in relief.

That's when I heard it... that ear-raping banshee's cry...

I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need..."

God dammit! My stupid next-door neighbor is at it again!

Johnny Depp was the neighborhood's resident Santa Claus. Christmas was like masturbation for him. He just blew a big load of kindness and generosity everywhere he went! He friggin' loves it!

He runs around, decorating, smiling, and hugging people all the time. He starts toy and food drives for every children's hospital and charity in the tri-state area. He bakes cookies and cakes and leaves a basket of them on everyone's doorstep. He leads caroling groups all around town on Saturday nights. He put thousands of Christmas lights strands on his house, making the place so bright that airplanes keep trying to land on our street. And he blasts that godforsaken Christmas music constantly... no man should listen to that much Mariah Carey!

I know how cynical I sound, but this man! He's too damn perfect! He looks like a dreamboat, and he's nice to everyone! No one has anything bad to say about him! Don't you think that's just a little weird? It's just not normal for someone to be that nice and perfect!

I slipped on my green fur parka and matching boots and stormed over to his house. I wasn't going to take another night of all this Christmas crap! He's not the only man who lives on this street! He thinks he can get away with playing loud music all night, just because he bakes cookies for everyone. No way! Not on my block, bitch!

I rapped my knuckles against his door and waited. He obviously couldn't hear me over Mariah Carey's screeching so I pounded my fist against the door repeatedly, until he opened it.

"Whoa!" Johnny jerked his head out of the way of my fist. "You almost got me there..."

"Wouldn't that be a shame..." I mused humorlessly. I glanced down and saw he was wearing the most outrageously hideous Christmas sweater. "Jesus Christ..." I muttered.

"Something you need, Miss L/N?" Johnny asked.

"Just thought I'd remind you that other people live in this neighborhood too..."

Johnny stared at me blankly.

"The music!" I snapped. "Turn. it. DOWN!"

"Oh!" Johnny nodded. "Alexa! Turn down Christmas mix!" He called to his virtual assistant. "Would you like to come in?"

"No."

"C'mon, I could use a break from baking."

"I can't right now."

"I insist."

"And I desist."

"Please...?" Johnny pleaded with his big brown eyes. Stupid, sexy bastard...

I walked into his house and my eyes widened in horror. There wasn't a single square inch that wasn't decorated. The staircase railing was covered with fake snow and had stuffed penguins sliding down it. Garland hung from the ceiling with red and gold ornaments hanging down from them. Glass jars of pinecones sat on the fireplace mantel overlooking the stockings. In the right corner of the living room was a six foot tall nutcracker. A red and gold tablecloth was sprawled across the coffee table and an apple cinnamon candle burned in the center of it.

But the real showstopper was the tree. An eight foot tall evergreen with needles as soft as a kitten. Adorned with red and silver ribbons and green, red and gold ornaments reflecting perfectly off the white lights.

This man wasn't born, he was cloned from Martha Stewart... I thought, rolling my eyes.

"Gingerbread?" He offered, holding a tray of cookies. "I made one special for you."

I picked the one cookie that looked like me, complete with my dark green hair and green eyes. Green was my signature color...

"You baked a cookie that looked like me...?" I stated.

"I'm doing one for everyone in the neighborhood" Johnny led me over to the kitchen counter. "And look at this, I reconstructed our entire neighborhood in gingerbread. I was originally going to do just my house, but then I thought, why stop there?"

"I'm allergic to gingerbread" I squeezed my cookie counterpart into crumbs and let them fall onto his white and red poinsettia rug.

"Oh..." Johnny mumbled half-heartedly. "Sorry, I didn't I know."

"Of course you didn't" I bit back a petty smirk.

"Well, I'd be happy to make something else for you" Johnny offered. "Is there anything else you'd like? Fruit cake? Sugar cookies? Peppermint bark? An egg nog pie?"

"I'm trying to limit my sugar intake" I said stiffly.

"Surely you can treat yourself" Johnny smiled encouragingly. "It's Christmas."

I grimaced "No excuse."

Johnny chuckled. "I wish I had your self discipline, Y/N."

I jumped as a cuckoo clock near my head struck 8 pm and out popped a tiny Rudolph with a flashing red nose being chased by a snow monster.

"If only..." I groaned.

Suddenly a smell began to permeate through all the gingerbread, peppermint and cranberry scented candles of Johnny's house. The smell was foul and made me smirk.

"I think you're cookies are burning, Depp" I smirked.

"I finished the cookies five minutes before you came" Johnny sniffed the air. "Wait, that's not burning cookies..." he rushed over to the window. "Oh Christ! Y/N! You're house is on fire!"

"WHAT?!" I screamed.

I rushed over and shoved him aside. Sure enough, the right side of house was engulfed in rippling flames! The windows burst into shards under the heat!

"Hello, 911?" Johnny said into the phone. "We have a house fire!"

💚🎄💚

It took the fire department three hours to put out my house completely. By that point half my house was burnt to a crisp and the rest was ruined by smoke and water damage. Everything I owned was gone! My clothes, my furniture, my appliances, there was nothing left!

The post fire investigator said the cause of the fire was obvious. I had left the oven on when I went over to Depp's place. I can't believe I lost everything over a stupid frozen pizza and my own forgetfulness!

I don't know how this night could get any worse...

"Y/N, I don't want you to worry" Johnny told me. "I have a perfectly comfortable guest room at my place, you are welcome to stay there as long as you want."

...Dear God, no!

Living with Santa Depp in his red and green peppermint-scented hellhouse?! Surviving off cocoa and gingerbread? Wearing ugly ass sweaters? Caroling? Being driven to the brink of insanity by Hallmark Christmas movies and Rankin Bass cartoons? ...Is it too late to set myself on fire?!

"That's a... that's quite the offer, Depp" I nodded. "But I have some emergency funds put into a safety deposit box at the bank. And I'd be much more comfortable staying at a hotel."

"The bank's closed until January 2nd." Johnny reminded me. "And every hotel room in town is booked solid. The weather caused all the flights to be canceled, the airports put all the stranded travelers in the hotels."

"Oh God, you're right..." I groaned, squeezing my eyes shut.

Johnny wrapped his arms around me. "Don't you worry, I insist" he told me. "This Christmas, my home is your home. You just relax and enjoy this Christmas, I'll take care of everything. You'll see, pretty soon you'll find the heartache of this situation fade and you might even find yourself feeling the Christmas spirit!"

I squeezed my eyes shut as my face folded over.

"Aw. Please don't cry, Y/N" He told me. "I can't stand to see a woman cry..."

"I'm not crying" I inhaled deeply. "I just threw up a little bit in my mouth..."

"Must be stress induced nausea" Johnny rubbed my shoulder.

"Yeah, stress..."

💚🎄💚

The next morning I woke up in Johnny's guest room, under a frosty the snowman throw blanket. The smell of waffles and egg nog permeated the house. What was it about this man and Christmas? It's an obsession! Why couldn't he get hung up on Halloween and scaring the bejesus outta little kids? That I could live with!

I got up and walked out into the kitchen were Johnny had prepared two perfect plates of waffles with whipped cream and cranberry garnishes.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and looked forlornly out the window at the charred remains of my house. My poor house...

"Y/N, are you alright?" Johnny asked softly.

"Fine" I replied automatically. "Just wondering how I'll remodel once the insurance company gives me my payment."

"Oh..." Johnny nodded. "Well that'll be quite the Christmas present to yourself."

That time I did roll my eyes. You could talk about the holocaust and Johnny would find a way to shoehorn in Christmas.

Johnny noticed my eye roll. "Don't worry, I'm going to make us a big beautiful Christmas to help you heal from the fire. I've got a big turkey dinner on the menu, presents, baked goods. The whole nine yards."

"I actually don't care..."

"About what?"

"Christmas. I don't celebrate it."

"Oh! You're Jewish? Mazel tov!"

"No, I don't celebrate Christmas because I hate it."

Johnny's face went stoic and his eyes slowly widened. He couldn't comprehend what I was saying.

"What do you mean?" He asked. "What part of Christmas do you hate?"

"All of it!" I told him.

"But how?" His face was a mix of depression and confusion. "How can you hate Christmas? I mean, just look at all the decorations..."

"Hightened electrical bills" I sneered.

"The treats?"

"Diabetes with frosting."

"The trees?"

"Fire hazzards."

"The Christmas specials?"

"Creepy claymation with derivative plots."

"The music?"

"No one actually likes Christmas music!"

"Wow... I never met a person who genuinely hated Christmas..." Johnny brow furrowed in concern. "Except for the Grinch..." He eyed my dark green hair.

I scoffed. "I'm not the fucking Grinch!"

"I didn't say you were" Johnny shook his head dismissively. "Hey, I'm headed down to the mall to do an errand. Could you come with me? I might need some help."

I wanted to turn him down. I really, really did. But the sweet bastard took me in and I couldn't shake the feeling that I owed him one.

"I guess so..." I forced the words through clenched teeth.

💚🎄💚

My suspensions didn't start until after Johnny pulled into the mall parking lot. He bypassed the customers lot and veered into the employee lot instead.

"You realize this space is only for folks who work at the mall, right?" I asked him.

"Yeah, I know" Johnny nodded. He reached into the back seat and pulled out a bag. "This is for you."

"What is it?" I began to open it.

"Not yet" Johnny told me. "Look it's like this, a family friend of mine couldn't make it into work today. So I told him I'd fill in for him. The job requires a uniform of sorts. There's changing rooms inside, you can dress in there."

"A uniform?" I asked. "It's nothing humiliating, is it?"

"Don't worry" Johnny gave me a small smile as he got out of the car. "As soon as you put it on, you'll get right into character."

"Okay... Wait! What character?"

"Can't hear you!" Johnny shouted rushing into the men's changing room. "See you out there!"

💚🎄💚

"I'm going to murder him in his sleep..."

A few minutes later, I stood in front of the mirror in the ladies change room... dressed as a fucking elf! Tights, pointy shoes and ears to match! I looked like a green stripy mess! I'm not going out in public like this!

I was about to storm out, but then the mall manager walked in.

"Hi, you must be Y/N, Johnny's friend?"

"Neighbor" I corrected. "Look, I don't know what Johnny told you, but I--"

"Susan! Come in!" Her walkie talkie crackled. "We got a situation in the food court! Code nine-four!"

"Aw jeeze! Look, dear, I've got to deal with this!" The manager ushered me toward the door. "But if you have any questions, just ask Johnny. He's already out there!"

She shoved me through the door and I found myself in Santa's village, with a line up of sugar-charged brats wiping their snotty noses on their sleeves.

"Oh, look! An elf!" One mom with a bawling kid pointed me out.

Aw shit! They've spotted me!

I reluctantly made my way over to the center of Santa's Village where Johnny was seated on a throne dressed as Santa. If it weren't for the little girl on his lap, I would be drive a candy cane through his ballsack...

"Well, you have yourself a Merry Christmas, Paisley" Johnny handed her a candy cane as she slid off his lap.

He glanced up at me. "Wow, Y/N" He smiled through the beard. "It suits you."

"Get bent" I muttered.

"Oh, c'mon" Johnny shrugged. "I got it in your favorite color, green."

"Just tell me... Why?" I growled.

"Well, I figured if you saw the magic of Christmas through children's eyes, it would get you out of this Christmas funk you're in."

"The magic of Christmas through children's eyes?" I scoffed. "Do you hear the candy coated crap that comes out of you mouth?"

"Listen, we're here now, so let's just make the best of it" He stood up from his throne and brought me over to the line up of kids. "Everyone, this is my elf, Y/N. She'll help you up to see me."

"No, no, no!" I shook my head.

"Ho-ho-ho! She's a little shy" Johnny told the kids. "She's usually only talks to reindeer. So who's next to see Santa?"

Two twin boys followed Johnny up to the throne and sat on his lap. I was left alone with the rest of the googly-eyed little urchins.

It's probably safe to say that in addition to Christmas... kids were also on my list of dislikes. I mean, I'm not the type to shout GET OFF MY LAWN! when they pass by. It's just... I don't know how to talk to the little freaks. They make me nervous, with their sticky little hands and their invasive questions.

"If you're an elf, how come you're so tall?" One girl in a pink parka asked me.

"Uh... I'm that Whey Protein Powder" I answered.

"How long does it take to get here from the North Pole?" One boy asked.

"Too long."

"I saw Santa and his elf at another mall last week while visiting my cousins. Are you the same Santa and elf?"

"Yes."

"...But that elf was blond?"

"I'm trying out a new look."

"Are Santa and Mrs. Claus still married? Or are you Santa's girlfriend?"

"No! No... Santa is not my type! I assure you!"

"Who's next?" Johnny called.

The kids all began jumping up and down shouting "Me! Me! Me!"

The next thing I knew, all the kids charged forward all at once! I turned to run, but I got knocked over and tripped. I fell face first into the candy cane gate they had knocked over! I could feel dozens of little snowboots pounding me on the back.

💚🎄💚

Later in the car, I was still holding the ice pack to my swollen and purple eye, with a sheet of toliet paper stuck to the gash above my eyebrow.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think they would get that crazy" Johnny apologized. "On the bright side, the mall let you keep your uniform... I'm sure I can get those blood stains out. Just needs a little club soda."

"Just drive the car, Depp" I told him. "Drive the car."

He pulled into his driveway and I exited the car.

"I'll be in the guest room" I hurried inside.

"Don't forget your uniform!" He held up the bag.

"Burn it!"

💚Johnny's P.O.V 💚

I decided to give Y/N some time alone to cool down. I drove around the neighborhood, watching the Christmas lights. My family and I used to do this all the time when I was a kid.

I saw old Mrs. Ostrum waving to me and pulled over.

"Hi, Johnny! How are you dear?" She greeted me.

"Fine, Mrs. O and you?" I smiled.

"Fine, dear" She nodded. "I wanted to thank you for that lovely gingerbread house you sent over. My grandkids just thought that was the neatest thing!"

"I'm glad to hear it!" I smiled.

"How is Y/N doing after that fire?" Mrs. Ostrum asked. "I felt so sorry for the poor girl."

"She's... she's managing" I shrugged. "She mentioned she has fire insurance and she's planning to redo the place."

"Oh, good" Mrs. Ostrum sighed in relief. "It seems like that poor child just can't catch a break around this time of year. My daughter lived in the same town as her two years ago and apparently there was this big falling out between her and her family one Christmas Eve. That's how she moved here."

"No kidding?" My eyes narrowed in thought. "Where is she from originally?"

"A small town about an hour from here" Mrs. Ostrum said. "A town called Who Village."

💚🎄💚

I followed Google Maps to the small town of Who Village. I got there around sundown and found a bustling Christmas market set up down main street. There were little stands set up, selling Christmas ornaments and candy, kids were running around, a band was playing We wish you a merry Christmas in a gazebo, people sat around a big bonfire sipping hot chocolate and sucking candy cane's. And at the center of it all was a fifteen foot tall Christmas tree that would put Rockefeller Center's to shame!

How could Y/N hate Christmas if she grew up here?

I wandered around and browsed some of the stands. I asked the folks if they ever knew a girl named Y/N L/N. They shook their heads.

Just as I was about to give up, I found a stand selling homemade candles run by a man my age and his elderly mother.

"Hi, I'm Ted. Looking for anything in particular?" The man asked me.

"As a matter of fact..." I said. "I was hoping to get some information on a girl. Name of Y/N L/N?"

"You know Y/N?" The old woman piped up.

"Yes, she's my neighbor" I nodded. "How do you know her?"

"Well, she's... family" Ted shrugged. "At least, she almost was."

"Almost?"

"Has Y/N ever mentioned the name Max to you?" Ted asked me.

"No" I shook my head.

"I didn't think so" His face fell. "She was so broken hearted. Mac was my older brother and Y/N's fiancé."

"Was? Why? What happened?"

Ted looked over at his mother, who's head hung in sadness. "If you don't mind taking a walk with me?" He ushered me away from the booth. "Ma? I'm going to take a walk with...?"

"Johnny."

"...Johnny. Can you manage the booth by yourself for a bit?"

"Certainly" His mother nodded.

Ted waited until we were down the street and out of earshot.

"Well, it was two years ago and Max had just purposed to Y/N" He told me. "They were a sweet couple. Couldn't keep their hands off each other. Y/N decided to invite us over to a Christmas Eve dinner to announce their engagement. She thought it would be perfect, since Ma never really got along with Y/N. I guess she wanted to prove herself to her new mother-in-law. So Y/N cooked and baked and cleaned and decorated for two days straight. The place looked amazing."

💚2 Year Prior...💚

"Come in, come in!" Y/N ushered us in happily. "Let me take your coats, I'll put them on our bed."

"I'll keep mine on!" Ma snatched hers back. "I don't want to catch a case of herpies off that bed!"

"Ma!" Ted muttered.

Y/N forced a laugh. "Oh, Mama! You're terrible!" She cleared her throat. "Max is running late getting home from the office, but go ahead and help yourselves to some gingerbread, fudge, snickerdoodles and egg nog. All homemade... not to brag."

"I'm allergic to gingerbread" Ma mumbled.

"Oh... I'm sorry" Y/N said softly. "Don't worry, there's lots more to eat."

Ma took a bite of a snickerdoodle and spat it out. "These are dry" she threw it back on the plate.

Y/N chuckled through her clenched jaw.

💚🎄💚

"What does your mother have against Y/N?" I asked Ted.

"Well, Max was always a bit of a Mama's boy growing up" Ted shrugged. "I guess Ma just saw Y/N as this little tart that was plotting to take her son from her. No parent ever really thinks very highly of the person their kid brings home."

I nodded.

"Anyways, it was going on eight o'clock and Max was still a no show" Ted continued.

💚🎄💚

"Max" Y/N hissed into her phone. "We were supposed to eat at six. The turkey is getting cold and the gravy has skin on it. I can't keep reheating everything! Are you on your way or not? Call me when you get this message." She hung up.

"Don't blame poor Max just cause you can't plan a proper dinner party!" Ma shouted from the dining room.

"I'm not blaming Max, Mama" Y/N forced an apologetic tone. "It's just this is my first time cooking Christmas dinner. So you'll all just have to bear with me."

"As opposed to when else?" Ma sneered.

"Now, Gertie" her husband told her.

"Well, the girl obviously doesn't know what she's doing!" Ma told him. "I don't know what Max sees in her! She's useless! God forbid they get married! The boy will starve waiting for her to cook him a decent meal!"

"Well, it just so happens..." Y/N stormed out of the kitchen. "That Max proposed to me last week!" She whipped off the oven mitt to reveal her engagement ring.

"Oh my God!" Cousin Milly squealed.

"Congratulations!" Uncle Brian said.

"Thank you" Y/N smiled. "We were planning to tell you together, but..."

"Oh, it's fine!" Aunt Shirley said. "We'll just pretend to be surprised, won't we, Gertie?"

Ma was stoic, her brow still furrowed in annoyance.

"Have you planned a date yet?" Cousin Louie asked.

"We haven't planned that far ahead yet" Y/N shook her head. "But we're considering spring. Maybe around May."

"That would be gorgeous!" Cousin Milly said. "Y'know, I could get you guys a discount on the Chelsea hotel up in the mountains. Rustic, yet classy..."

Just then, there was a knock at the door.

"Don't get up! I'll get it!" Y/N hurried to the door and opened it.

It was a cop.

"Are you Y/N L/N?" He asked.

"Yes."

"Does a Mr. Max Livingston reside here?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry to tell you this, Miss" the cop said. "Mr. Livingston hit a patch of ice and was in a head-on collision tonight."

"Max?" Y/N's eyes welled up. "Well, where is he? Is he okay? What hospital is he at?"

"I'm sorry, Miss" the cop shook his head. "But the first responders say he died on impact."

Y/N froze in place. The news settled around her like dust and debris after a building fell.

Ma burst into tears, followed by Aunt Shirley and Cousin Milly. But Y/N remained stoic and still.

"Y/N?" Ted walked up to her. "I'm so sorry."

Y/N walked off to the bathroom and locked the door.

💚🎄💚

"No wonder she hates Christmas" I shook my head. "Poor Y/N."

"It got worse from there, if you can believe it" Ted said.

"How?" I asked.

"Well, like I said Ma didn't care for Y/N" He shook his head with regret. "And when things go wrong, it helps to have someone to blame..."

💚🎄💚

"That stupid little bitch!" Ma choked out through her sobs. "If she hadn't have been calling him and hurrying him--"

"You don't know that for sure!" Aunt Shirley cut her off. "You are too rough on that girl, Gertie!"

"I don't know who she thought she was fooling with all that little housewife routine!" Ma snapped. "I saw right through it from the beginning! She was never ever going to be good enough for my Max!"

The bathroom door burst open. Y/N was there and she was livid...

"You love him so much? Why don't you crawl into the grave with him, you miserable old bitch!" Y/N shouted.

She stormed out of the bathroom and grabbed the punch bowl of egg nog and poured it onto Ma's head. She flung the bowl across the room and it shattered against the wall.

"Y/N, calm down!" Ted told her. "What are you doing?!"

"Out!" She rushed into the bedroom and snatched up our coats.

"What?"

"All of you!" She snapped, tossing our coats at us. "Get your raggedy asses out of my house! I lost someone today too! But you didn't think about that did you!"

"Y/N, be fair" Cousin Milly said softly.

"Fair?!" She screeched. "I'll show you fair!"

She stormed over to the kitchen and grabbed a hold of the turkey.

"I said OUT!!!" Y/N screamed.

We all headed out the door and watched in stunned silence as Y/N threw the turkey onto the windshield of the family station wagon, cracking the windshield!

"Y/N!" Uncle Brian cried.

"Get going! All of you!" Y/N snapped. "And if any of you show your miserable faces around here again, I'll have you arrested!"

💚🎄💚

I sat in stunned silence, taking it all in. No wonder Y/N hated Christmas so much... losing your fiancé would sour any holiday.

"That was the last time we ever saw her" Ted said sorrowfully. "We decided to left her cool down for a few days. Ma felt terrible about what had transpired between them. It took losing Max for her to see eye to eye with Y/N. She realized how cruel and petty she had been. We returned to the house a few days later to talk it out with her and arrange poor Max's funeral. But... when we returned to the house, it was empty. Y/N must have packed up and moved immediately after Christmas. We went around back and found where she had set a bonfire. She burned all the Christmas decorations, the tree, the presents and..." Ted pulled something out his pocket and placed it in my hand. "I found this in the ashes. Would you give it back to her, please? Tell her we want her to have it."

He walked back over to the candle booth with his mother, wiping his eyes.

I looked in my hand and saw an engagement ring. Y/N's engagement ring...

The snow started to fall as I walked back to my car. Poor Y/N. She must be so heartbroken and hurt. Christmas must be such a lonely time for her. To be reminded of her fiancé's death every year. I can't possibly imagine...

I have to do something. I have to find a way to heal Y/N and help restore her faith in Christmas. No one should have to go their whole life being sadden by the happiest time of the year.

💚Y/N's P.O.V 💚

I woke up on Johnny's couch when I heard the door open. I sat up and saw Johnny hanging up his coat.

"Sorry, did I wake you?"

"What time is it?" I asked.

He glanced at the clock. "Past nine" he answered.

"I must've dozed off" I yawned.

"How's your eye?" Johnny asked.

"I cleaned the cut and put some ointment on it" I said. "I've been icing it to take down the swelling. So I don't have to go around looking all ugly and disfigured."

"You could never be ugly, Y/N" Johnny told me soft and genuine tone.

I stared up at him. There in the warm glow of the fireplace, his face looked worn and tired. For the first time, he looked... human. I mean, he always looked human. But this was the first time I ever saw him when he wasn't baking something stupid, or decorating something stupid, or wearing something stupid, or running around singing those stupid Christmas carols. Instead he looked calm, tired and a little sullen... he wasn't trying to be happy. And yet... he was still attractive.

"Would you do me a favor?" He looked at me.

"Anything" I breathed.

"C'mere, I'd like to give you a hug" He reached his arms out toward me.

Nope. Stupid's back.

I rolled off the couch and out of his reach. "What the hell are you trying to do?" I sneered.

"Nothing" he shook his head slightly. "I just want a hug."

"Well, go hug yourself!" I told him. "Jesus! You invite a woman into your home and you start coming onto her? What is wrong with you?!"

"That's not what I meant!" Johnny chuckled. "I just wanted to show I was sorry for what went down at mall today."

"Yeah, great, okay..." I said backed away from him. "All is forgiven, now get away from me!"

"Y/N" He told me. "We both need this hug. Now c'mon..."

I backed into a corner. "I don't hug, Depp" I said through gritted teeth.

"Everyone needs a hug every now and then" Johnny told me.

"I don't" I insisted, shaking my head.

"C'mon..." Johnny grew closer.

"No, no, no" I shook my head rapidly. "I don't like being touched! Just don't! Get away! Ah--"

My shoulders tensed and my lower lip curled in disgust as he wrapped his muscular, tattooed arms around me and held me close. He gently rested his head atop mine. I was waiting for him to slide a hand down to my ass, so I could knee him in the balls and run. But he never did. We just sat there for what felt like forever. His warmth and tenderness seemed to surround me, along with the spicy sweet scent of his cologne. It was... not agonizing.

"Okay... got your jollies by now?" I asked in a low irritated voice.

He retracted his arms. "I think that will suffice... for now."

"Hey, I let you have that" I sneered. "And that's all you're getting!"

"We'll see..."

"The hell, we will!"

He smirked at my fiesty attitude. "I'd like to take you somewhere" He said. "If you feel like an outing?"

💚🎄💚

I sat in Johnny's car, blindfolded. Which didn't look date-rapey at all!

He stopped the car and helped me out. "Okay... there's some steps here... one, two, three, four, five, six... good job! Now step inside... now just sit right here."

"Can I take off the blindfold now?" I asked. "I feel like I'm in a true crime podcast!"

"Go ahead" Johnny said. "Just stay here till I turn the lights on."

"Am I gonna get killed?" I asked.

"No" I could hear Johnny's echo as he hurried off. "Although I have seen some people get injured here."

"Heh...?" My eyes widened as I took off the blindfold. It was pitch black wherever we were...

Suddenly I heard the click of a circuit panel echo throughout the room and large stadium light blasted awake. It was the local ice rink! Only it was completely empty this time of night.

Johnny came jogging up to me with two pairs of rented skates from the utility closet.

"Try these on for size" he handed me a pair.

"Are we allowed to be in here?" I asked.

"Don't worry, I'm a volunteer first responder" Johnny pulled a key from his pocket. "I got a skeleton key that opens any door in town, from public places to residential houses."

"Then wouldn't this be an abuse of power?" I asked.

He smirked. "If you don't know how to skate, just say it."

"I can skate!" I told him. "I can skate circles around your ass!"

"Doubtful" Johnny finished lacing up his skates. "I spent three years in the Owensboro Youth Skating League and took bronze in the junior division." He glided out onto the ice and did a figure eight across the rink.

"That's adorable!" I called as I pulled on my skates. I glided across the ice to him and circled him, before performing a double axel.

Johnny's jaw hit the ice so hard, it's a wonder his lips didn't freeze.

I skated up to him, spraying ice shavings onto his skates. "...Seven years as a Who Village Snowflake Figurette. Twelve skating competitions. Twelve metals: two bronze, seven silver and three gold. And that's not even counting my work on the girls hockey team, the Mountain Lionesses."

"Damn..." Johnny smiled, impressed.

I glanced back at him in shock. That was the first time I ever heard him swear.

We skated back and forth across the rink. We showed off all our moves, we raced back and forth across the rink. We laughed and joked. Johnny even used his skeleton key to open up the rink's canteen and made us some hot cocoa to warm us up.

We sat on the bleachers and sipped our cocoa. I stared over at Johnny with inquirical intent.

"Can I just ask... What is it with you and Christmas?" I asked him. "I mean, you seem to go all out for it."

"I do get a little excessive, don't I?" He chuckled lightly.

"Excessive isn't the word for it" my eyes widened, thinking back on it.

"Honestly..." Johnny sighed. "Growing up, my family wasn't exactly perfect. Far from it, in fact. My parents fought constantly, my siblings bickered constantly. We were the type of family who would end up on an episode of Cops for a domestic disturbance. And being the youngest, everyone sort of looked down on me and treated me like I was an invalid who couldn't do anything right. I was the runt, the one everyone had to go behind and pick up after. The one who was always under foot..."

I stared at him with sympathy.

"But every year, Christmas came and mom and dad would make it a point not to fight. Everyone got presents and we had a huge dinner. We worked together to decorate the house. We could actually pass for a happy, functional family. I guess as a kid, I thought it was magic. Christmas magic."

I burst out laughing. I put a hand to my mouth. "Sorry... it's just I can't believe you use terms like Christmas magic conversationally..."

"It's okay" Johnny shrugged. "I am aware of my Christmas addiction. And I actually admire your snide, sarcastic... grumpiness."

I scoffed in disbelief.

"No, really!" He insisted. "I mean, sure, you can come across as standoffish. But you always have the nerve and ferocity to give people the honest truth. The rest of the neighbors are nice, but they're always willing to lie and skirt around the truth to placate each other."

"The bitter truth of suburban living" I nodded in agreement.

"But you're not like that. You're honest. I always know where I stand with you" Johnny looked at me with soft eyes. "I guess if I had to pick, I'm more comfortable with you than anyone else in the neighborhood."

I turned and stared at him. "Seriously?"

"Is it so hard to believe I like your bitchiness?" Johnny shrugged, smirking.

I glanced up at him from my hot cocoa. "Johnny...?"

He turned to me. "Yeah, Y/N?"

"Could you curse just once more?" I asked.

He grinned and leaned in close to the point where I could smell the hot cocoa on his breath. "Fuck..."

I leaned forward and captured his lips in mine.

💚🎄💚

I woke up the next morning as I opened my eyes and it took me a while to realize... I wasn't in Johnny's guest room. I looked at the floor and saw... my jeans, my shirt, my bra, Johnny's coat and Johnny's underwear...? I rolled over and noticed... Johnny!

Oh... my... God. Now I remember... I got my stocking stuffed by Santa Depp last night!

I was shocked. I waited for the rage to hit me... only it didn't. So I waited for the disgust to hit me... only it didn't either. Neither did the shame or the humiliation or the guilt or... any negative emotions. Instead the corners of my mouth began to rise and a giggle escaped my lips. An actual giggle... holy shit! I'm happy!

I put a pillow to my mouth to suppress the giggling. Johnny groaned and turned over to look at me.

"Morning" he smiled.

I froze, looking over at him. "Morning..." I mumbled through the pillow.

"Well, I was gonna ask if you enjoyed yourself last night" He chuckled. "But it looks like you did." He pulled the pillow away from my smiling mouth. "Don't hide it..." he said. "It's a good look for you."

I cocked my head sideways and widened my eyes as I made the smile go wider.

"Okay, now it's creepy" He admitted.

I laughed and kissed his cheek. He caught my lips before I could pull away and ran his fingers through my green tresses. My tongue swiped across his tongue and his mouth opened. Our tongues swirled and melded like the red and white of a candy cane. We pulled away for air.

"I should make breakfast" Johnny said.

"No..." I whined. "Stay in bed... with me."

Suddenly my stupid stomach growled loudly.

"I think she begs to differ" Johnny kissed one of my reddened cheeks. "I'll be right back." He pulled on his boxers and headed down the hall. "Would you be terribly insulted by frozen waffles?"

"It would be a welcome relief, Wolfgang Schmuck!" I quipped, getting out of bed.

"Hey! So I like to cook! Sue me!" He retorted playfully.

I giggled as I picked up our clothes. I pulled on my underwear and shirt. I picked up Johnny's coat and something metal fell out of the pocket and jingled across the floor and under the bed.

I got down on my knees and reached in to grab it. When I saw what it was my heart stopped and my face fell. I quickly got dressed and stormed down the stairs, still clutching his coat.

I walked into the kitchen and saw Johnny putting down the toaster. "I can't remember the last time I had frozen waffles" he smiled. "The homemade ones just taste better, I guess." He turned to me and noticed my expression. "What's wrong?"

I held up the ring I found in his coat pocket. "What is this?" I demanded.

Johnny's face fell. "I'm not married, if that's what you think."

"I know it's not yours!" I snapped. "I recognize it! Where the hell did you get it?!"

"I... I... went to Who Village the other night and I met Ted" Johnny explained.

"Oh God" I groaned closing her eyes. "And he no doubt spilled his guts to you..."

"He... well, yeah he did..." Johnny admitted. "But I asked him to. I wanted to know more about you. You seemed so frustrated with Christmas."

"So last night, all that-- UGH!" I groaned. "I am so fucking stupid!"

"No, Y/N" Johnny shook his head.

"You don't give a shit about me!" I snapped. "You just wanted to be a good Samaritan! You wanted to save Christmas for the poor little sad sack! That's all this was!"

"No, it wasn't!" Johnny cried. "I do have feelings for you!"

I snatched his car keys from the hook by the door and stormed out. I got in his car and rolled out of the parking lot. I may be committing grand theft auto, but I just couldn't stay in that house with that Christmas crackhead!

I can't believe he knew about Max... I can't believe he all the way to Who Village! Where does he get off diving into my past like that?! My house burns down, he offers me his guest room, he researches my background and then sleeps with me! It's like an episode of NBC Dateline!

But the worse part was for the first time in two years, I... I began to feel as good as I did when Max was alive. I thought I was coming around... I thought maybe Johnny was...

No, no! It was a stupid mistake. That's all! I just have to get through this shit for another week. Come New Years, I'm getting the fuck out of that asshole's house and maybe even out of this stupid stepford shithole of a neighborhood!

I'm going to take my insurance claim from the house and that money in my safety deposit box and I'm going to buy a nice condo. Preferably near a Jewish neighborhood. I love the sound of Yiddish and will never be far from a good deli. It'll be paradise!

I needed to go somewhere to get my mind off of things. I pulled into the only place open... a dark, dingy little dive bar just outside of town called The Schnockered Sneetch. I figured as long as they serve something stronger than fourty proof, I'd go for it.

I parked around back and walked in, the bartender was a tall, thin man in a red and white striped hat, wearing a black and white waistcoat with white gloves. The bar flies included a short man with blazing orange hair, who was trying to charm the pants off a tree in the corner. At the other end of the bar was a large man in a grey suit with big ears, holding a flower in his hand. I thought he was talking to it, until he turned around and I noticed the Bluetooth in his ear.

They were a sad, drunk bunch of a bastards with baggage. At last, I had found my people!

"What'll it be, my dear?" The bartender asked me.

"Anything you got that's brown and over fourty proof" I told him.

He nodded understandingly. "Holiday blues?"

"Like you won't believe" I rubbed my eyes. "But you probably don't get paid enough to listen to my problems."

"Are you kidding?" He gave me a little half smile. "It's the best part of the job. Makes me feel like I got it better."

I sighed. "Oh, what the hell" I rolled my eyes. "Get me a few drinks and I'll start talking."

"I take it by your hair that green is your signature color" he pointed to my hair. "I bet you'll like this then." He poured me a tall glass of something lime green.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Goose Juice" he placed it on a coaster in front of me.

"And there's alcohol in it?" I asked.

The bartender smirked. "Just remember to pace yourself..."

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and proceeded to down the whole glass. Immediately I lost my equilibrium as my face flushed red. I screamed as I fell off my barstool.

The bartender in the hat shook his head as he tsked. "No one ever listens..."

For the next two hours, I continued to knock back the goose juice and spill my guts to the strangers at the bar.

"Y'know... h-here's the thing though..." I said, shitfaced. "I'll-I'll be honest... I like Johnny. But it'd be a whole lot easier to admit, if he wasn't so ffff-ucking perfect! Damn that delightful Christmasy bastard... and his magnificent cock!" I polished off another goose juice. "Another!" I tapped the bar.

"Don't you think you've had enough?" The bartender asked.

"I'll tell you when I had enough!" I shouted, then I giggled. "I always wanted to say that." I hiccuped. "But serious-ous-si-lus-a-lo though, imagine how Johnny would feel if their was no Christmas. He'd be fucked then, wouldn't he?" I chuckled gutturally.

"Well, there's no way to just get rid of Christmas" the bartender shrugged.

"Just wish there was a way..." I muttered. "To just rip their precious Christmas out from under them. Steal it or somethin'..."

That was the last thing I remembered before blacking out.

To be continued...