Dear Diary,

I'm currently five months pregnant and any women who's ever been pregnant knows how I feel. And to all the women who have never been pregnant a word of advice... DON'T DO IT! Seriously! Become a nun if you have to! Don't be like me! Don't fall in love with a sweet, cuddly angel of a man, because once you do that you wanna have sex with him and you end up pregnant! And pregnancy equals misery! I cannot stress that enough!

My back hurts like hell! I got heartburn and acid reflex! None of my clothes or shoes fit anymore! I can't sleep because everytime I lie down, the position I'm in has to be pre-approved by the baby! I got hemorrhoids that burn like someone shoved a ghost pepper up my ass! I've stopped shaving my private parts and legs because I can't even see them anymore! And just yesterday, I sneezed and pissed my pants!

Some women walk up to me and put their hands on my baby bump and tell me I have a healthy glow! That I am so lucky and blessed! Biggest load of bullshit I ever heard! I don't feel blessed at all, I feel like I'm about to kill myself!

And Johnny... Oh! Johnny's a whole other set of problems! My Baby Daddy's lost his damn mind!

We were staying in Johnny's Los Angeles Penthouse at the time. I came down the stairs one day and was surprised to see a bunch of empty boxes by the door. As I walked into the living room, I saw a new bed was set up in the living room. A bed with a side rails...

"Johnny!" I called.

He came walking out of the kitchen. "G'morning beautiful" he kissed my cheek.

"What's with the bed?" I asked him.

"It's for you" Johnny explained. "I don't want you walking up and down those stairs anymore. It's dangerous, you could trip and fall."

"Johnny, I walk up and down those steps probably a dozen time a day" I told him. "What makes you think I can't do it now?"

"I know you can, I didn't say you couldn't" Johnny said. "It's just a precaution." He stroked my baby bump. "We're getting close now, I want to make sure nothing happens to mess it up." He walked towards the bed and slid the side rails down. "Try it out! See if it's comfortable."

I sighed and laid down on the bed, Johnny put the side rails back in place and covered me up with the comforter.

"Do you like it?" He asked.

"It's nice" I nodded, frowning.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"Hm? Nothing" I lied.

"Don't give me that" he said. "What's wrong? ...Are you hungry? Do you want some breakfast?"

"Sure" I nodded, getting up.

Johnny stopped me. "No, it's alright! I can do it" he said. He walked over to the coffee table. "Here's the remote, watch something on TV while I make it."

"Okay..." I shrugged.

I flipped on the TV and settled on the film The Thin Man. If Nick and Nora Charles weren't couple goals, I don't know who is!

"Here you go, gorgeous" Johnny returned with a glass and a straw.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Anmum Materna" he answered.

"You speak Latin now too?" I quipped.

"It's a doctor recommended maternal milk" Johnny explained. "It'll help to support your nutritional needs during your pregnancy."

I stared at him as he babbled on like a commercial. "Holy shit! I married Dr. Spock!" I shook my head.

"Drink it" Johnny urged me.

"I don't want a mommy milkshake" I told him. "I want bacon, eggs and toast."

"About that, I think we should start limiting your sodium intake" Johnny said.

"I think we should start limiting the amount of parenting magazines you subscribe to!" I retorted.

"Please drink it!" Johnny pleaded. "It'll be so good for you and the baby! The box says it'll helps support your immune system, reduces the risk of anemia and reduces the risk of bearing a child with neutral tube defects."

"Neutral tube?!" I squawked. "So I gotta drink pregger protein shakes, so you don't risk the chance of having a son with a misshapen dinky?!"

"What? No!" Johnny shook his head. "The neutral tube is what they call the spine and brain of the fetus! Now drink it!"

"No. I want an actual breakfast" I insisted.

"C'mon... it's chocolate flavored" he tried to tempt me.

I avoided his coaxing glance.

"Just a few sips? For me?" Johnny pleaded.

I sighed and took the glass, taking some sips. I was surprised to find that it actually tasted like milk! I had tried so many protein shakes before, I figured their would at least be a gross chalky aftertaste. Chocolate flavoring could've been stronger, but overall it was good.

Johnny smiled and sat at the edge of the bed, rubbing my calves and feet. I gave him a weird look, but didn't object because my feet were swelling at this point, what with all the extra weight to carry. Plus, Johnny's massages were like crystal meth and my body was a hopeless addict.

Before I even knew what was happening I finished my milk and dozed off...

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I woke up to the baby kicking me. I was confused at first, until I remembered the new bed and everything that happened earlier. I checked my phone, I'd been asleep for four hours! Well, so much for being productive today...

I got out of bed and noticed that Johnny had brought all my stuff down from our room. All my clothes were hanging on a rack nearby, my prefume, deodorant, hair accessories and jewelry were set up on a little makeshift vanity. Even my hospital bag was there for when we leave for the delivery.

Not only that, but the house was clean! The kitchen floor was swept and mopped, the knickknack's and shelves were dusted and the dishes and laundry were all caught up!

I heard light snoring and looked over at an exhausted Johnny sprawled out on the couch with his guitar still in hand.

I smiled and got out of bed and slipped the guitar out of his grip. I grabbed a fluffy throw blanket and threw it over him before placing a throw pillow under his head and kissing his cheek. He was such a sweetheart to clean the house and let me sleep.

I heard a sudden vibration and followed my ears to the kitchen. Johnny's phone was ringing and Vanessa's picture flashed on the caller ID.

I answered it. "Salut, Nessa" I said.

"Oh! Hi, Y/N!" She exclaimed. "How are you? How's pregnancy treating you?"

I shrugged. "There's good days, bad days, weird days..."

"Weird days?" Vanessa laughed.

"Well, a couple of weeks ago I cried because my thighs looked bigger when I sit than when I stand."

Vanessa laughed. "That is a crying shame..." she sighed. "Let me tell you, cherie, the weirdest thing about my pregnancy was how Johnny acted!"

"How do you mean?" I asked with a knowing smile. Johnny was always weird!

"This is going to sound strange... but when I was pregnant with Jack and Lily, Johnny began treating me like a baby" Vanessa confided in me.

"A baby?" I furrowed my brows.

"Oui!" She exclaimed. "It's was odd. He would wait on me hand and foot, he cleaned the house so I didn't have to. And I enjoyed it so much, I didn't say anything."

"Uh-huh..." I started to put two and two together.

"He wanted me to stay off my feet completely!" She went on. "He even ordered a new bed for me, so I didn't have to walk up the stairs anymore. But it wasn't like a real bed, it had gaurd rails on the sides so I didn't fall out..."

I peeked around the corner at the new bed Johnny got me.

"Like a crib..." I muttered.

"Oui! Exactly!" Vanessa agreed. "And he used to feed me these milky... maternal drinks. It took me a while to realize it, but eventually it clicked! He had me lying in a crib, drinking a milk formula and taking care of me! He was treating me like a baby!"

"Did you ever say anything to him about it?" I inquired.

"That was the weirdest part of all!" Vanessa told me. "When I finally confronted Johnny about it, it was as if he had no idea what he was doing. Like, in his mind, treating a grown woman like a baby was normal!

"But you got him to stop eventually, right?" I asked hopefully.

"Oh oui! He snapped out of it eventually!" Vanessa said.

I sighed in relief.

"...Once the baby came!" She finished.

My eyes widened. I'm only five mouths along! I'm not living as a baby for another four months!

"And if Johnny gets like this again, how do I get him to stop?" I asked Vanessa.

"You don't!" She told me. "He's gonna treat you like a baby all what he wants. I don't fully understand it, but my theory is that his paternal instincts kick in and he just needs some cute, helpless creature to love and care for... and until the baby comes, you're the only creature at his disposal."

I gasped. I was stuck in this house with a goddamn overprotective Daddy bear! I mean, Johnny was sweet to wanna look out for me and I appreciated it. But for God's sake! I'm a grown woman! This is really undignified! Just cause I'm pregnant, doesn't mean I have to give up my pride! Mind you, I'm kinda helpless when I drop something because bending over with a baby bump is a workout in itself... but that is not the point!

"Are you still there, Y/N?" Vanessa asked.

"Oh, yeah!" I snapped out of my thoughts. "Uh... Ness, I gotta go. I'll tell Johnny to call you back when I see him. Say hi to the kids for me! Bye!" I hung up.

I peeked around the kitchen corner into the living room. Johnny wasn't on the sofa anymore! Where did he--

"What did Vanessa say?"

I jumped and turned to see he was right behind me. "You... scared me" I gasped putting my hand to my heart.

"Aww, I'm sorry" he rubbed my shoulders and kissed my forehead. "Now what are you doing out of bed?"

"Your phone was ringing and I didn't want to wake you" I explained.

"Thank you, now get back into bed" he said. "I want you relaxed and off those pretty feet..."

I noticed something in Johnny's expression that unsettled me. He seemed to have a strange little half smile on his face as he stared at me, unblinking. It was creepy, but also attractive because... well, it's Johnny.

"I was actually thinking about taking a walk outside..." I suggested. "I think I need some fresh air."

"I'll open up the windows for you..." Johnny replied.

"I'm gonna go outside now" I stated, walking towards the door.

I went to get my jacket from the hall closet, but Johnny slipped it out of my hands before I could put it on.

"What are you doing?" I turned to look at him.

"You're not going out, you're going back to bed and I'm going to make you some din-din" he explained.

"I'm just going out for a few... din-din?" I raised my eyebrows. "Did you seriously just say din-din?"

"Yeah, I made you that BBQ chicken breast recipe you like and some sweet potatoes" he explained. "And if you're still hungry, I made peach-flavored cheesecake for dessert."

"I don't need you to baby m--" I stopped myself. "Cheesecake?"

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So... I'm not really sure how it happened, but the next thing I knew I was sitting in bed waiting for dinner. Don't judge me! How often do you get a handsome man to make you cheesecake?!

"It's almost ready!" Johnny called from the kitchen.

" 'Kay!" I replied, my eyes still on the TV.

I was watching Rosemary's Baby. One of my favorite films ever, but not the best viewing material if you're pregnant. I watched as pregnant Rosemary sat in a doctor's office, begging for help. She was convinced her husband was in cahoots with her neighbors, who were really a coven of witches, to sacrifice her unborn child.

As I sat watching, I thought of how terrifying it would be to be pregnant and to be surrounded by a large group of people, and still not have anyone to believe you or take you seriously. Not having any control over your adult life...

I watched on as Rosemary tried to escape from her husband and her crooked obstetrician. She spilled her purse contents to distract them, then made a dash for the elevator, taking it up to her apartment. She leaped out when she hit her floor and ran for her apartment. She gasped for air as she fumbled with her house keys and finally got in, before her husband could catch her.

"Go away!" She shrieked at him. "You lied to me! You promised them the baby!"

Rosemary tried to call her friend for help, but they were out. She turned around and found her husband and doctor were there.

When she tried to run again, they grabbed her and pinned her to the bed. Her corrupt neighbors helping them, putting their hands all over her and pinning her down as the doctor sedated her.

Before passing out, she heard the doctor say she was in active labor. She pleaded with them to take her to a sanitary hospital with professional doctors.

I watched in fear. The scene was grippingly horrific.

Suddenly I felt something pressed to temple and jumped. I turned and saw Johnny.

"Sorry, I didn't wanna scare you" he said. "You're just so cute sometimes I can't help wanting to kiss you." He smooched my cheek. "I got your din-din" he took a steaming tray off the coffee table and placed it on my lap.

"Thanks" I said dejected. The scent of the BBQ chicken did calm me down. I guess I was more hungry than I thought.

"Where's the silverware?" I asked, searching the tray.

"Right here" Johnny grabbed the knife and fork from the coffee table. He began cutting the chicken breast into small chunks and feeding it to me.

I ate it with my eyes glued to the TV screen.

"Is it good?" He asked me.

"Mm-hmm" I nodded.

"Good" He took the napkin and wiped my mouth for me.

That's when I tore my eyes from the screen and came to terms with what was happening.

"Johnny!" I cried out.

"Aww... What's wrong, precious?" He cooed. "You upset?"

"Obviously, I'm upset!" I told him. "Johnny, this isn't right! You need to stop this!"

Johnny stared at me, completely oblivious as to what I was talking about.

"Oh, I know what's wrong" Johnny nodded. "You wanted your dessert first, didn't you? Well, no dessert until this chicken is all gone..."

I squinted at him in rage. "Aw, fuck it!" I growled. I placed the dinner tray aside and got out of bed.

"Baby! What are you doing?" Johnny asked, following me. "Your din-din's gonna get cold..."

"I'm getting out of here!" I told him. "If you're not gonna treat me like the adult I am, I'm not staying here! No more din-din, no more sleeping in a crib bed, no more baby talk! I've had it!"

Johnny gabbed my arm. "No! It's not safe out there!" He told me. "Please just come back where I can keep an eye on you!"

"John, let go of me!" I snapped.

"But you could get hurt or sick! What if you have more morning sickness and get in a car accident! What if you get Gerd! Have you considered the possibility of Gerd?"

My eyes softened as I turned to him. "You're right" I nodded. "I guess I should take it easy... we are getting closer now."

"Exactly, baby" he kissed my forehead. "Now let's get you back to your safe, cozy bed."

"Just a sec, my belly's itching again. I'm gonna grab my shea butter from my purse" I smiled.

"Okay... but I get to rub it on your tum-tum" he kissed my nose.

"Sure, sweetheart" I smiled.

I grabbed my purse from the table by the garage door and 'accidentally' spilled it on the floor.

"Aw..." I moaned.

"Don't strain yourself baby, I'll get it!" Johnny crouched down and picked up my things. "Oh! Here's your shea butter, baby! ...Baby?"

I ran down the stairs and went to the cabinet where Johnny keeps the keys for all his cars. I picked out the ones to the Rolls-Royce, assuming it would be the safest.

I ran to the Rolls-Royce and started it. I began driving out of the garage, one hand on my belly, the other on the wheel.

"It's okay" I told the baby. "Mommy and Daddy still love each other, Mommy just needs some alone time because Daddy's going nuts."

I pressed the remote to the garage door and it opened, I stepped on the gas petal and flew out the garage.

Until I saw Johnny step right in my path!

I screamed, slamming on the breaks and turning the wheel to miss him. The Rolls-Royce skidded to a spinning stop beside him.

Once my heart fell back into place after jumping into my throat, I got out of the car and stormed over to him.

"Are you out of your actual mind?!" I screamed. "Your ass was almost literally grass! I could've killed you, you maniac!"

"You need to go back to bed now, baby" Johnny told me. "You had much too much excitement today."

"Johnny, for the love of God!" I told him. "Snap out of it, ya crazy yahoo!"

Suddenly a sharp pain rang through my middle. I cried out and squeezed my eyes shut as I doubled over in pain.

"What's wrong?" Johnny placed his hands on my back and shoulder.

"Pain..." I moaned.

"What kind of pain?" Johnny asked.

I looked up at him with half-lidded eyes. "The kind that feels like happy lil' puppy dog kisses..." I drawled sarcastically. "What do you think?!"

"You really wanna be sarcastic at a time like this?" Johnny asked.

"No..." I said sarcastically.

Another pang of pain passed through me.

"Ow! Ow! No! No, I don't!" I groaned. "Johnny! I think something might be seriously wrong here!"

"You wanna head to the hospital?" He asked me.

"Yes! Yes, please!" I nodded, shedding tears over the pain now.

"Okay, let's get you back into the Rolls..." he began helping me.

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Not five minutes later, we were speeding through traffic on the Los Angeles freeway. Shawn was driving the Rolls-Royce, while Johnny and Malcolm sat in the backseat with me, trying to keep me calm. I laid across the backseat with my head in Johnny's lap, since it was too painful for me to sit. Johnny wiped away my tears with a tissue and kept encouraging me to use my lamaze breathing. Malcolm had CPR training, he held my wrist and looked at his watch, keeping a close eye on my vitals.

"Johnny, I'm scared!" I sobbed. "What if somethings wrong with the baby?"

"Nothing is wrong!" Johnny assured me.

"You can't guarantee that!" I told him.

"Well, it doesn't do any good to think like that!" He retorted. "How much farther, Shawn?"

"Another five minutes or so!" Shawn told him. "The traffics backed up, I'm trying to just jump in where I can!" He leaned on the horn. "Move your ass! We got an emergency here!" He yelled out the window.

"How's the pain, Luv?" Malcolm asked. "Has it changed at all?'

"No" I shook my head. "It's just a constant sharp pain in my middle. It burns too."

"Keep breathing, baby" Johnny told me. "It wouldn't be long."

"It's not going to make it" I sobbed. "And it's my own damn fault!" I placed a hand on baby bump. "Oh God! I'm sorry, my darling. I'm sorry!"

Five minutes later, they were helping me out of the car and onto a stretcher, wheeling me into the emergency entrance of the hospital.

"We need some help over here!" Shawn called out to the nurses.

A doctor and a trio of nurses came over and began examining me and checking my pulse.

"She's having extreme pain in her abdomen" Johnny informed them.

"Okay, how far along are you, dear?" The senior nurse asked me.

"Five months" I breathed. "Can you just save my baby? Please?"

"We're gonna do what we can for you, hon" she assured me.

"ICU!" The doctor cried as they rolled me away.

Johnny followed along with them. I looked up at him through my teary eyes. This baby had to live... he wants another kid so bad. He loves being a Daddy. I love him so much, I wanted to be the one to give him that again...

The doctor stopped the stretcher and began examining me. The doctor placed his hands on my bump and felt for anything.

"Has there been any bleeding?" He asked me and Johnny.

"No, none that we've noticed" Johnny answered. "No bleeding, right babe?"

"No" I shook my head.

"Is she in labor?" Johnny asked. "She's had a stressful day... could it be induced labor?"

"I don't think it's labor... and the baby doesn't appear to be in distress" The doctor informed him. "Prehaps we should try--"

"AHHH!" I cried out sitting up.

"What's wrong, darling?" Johnny held my hand. "What is it?"

"It's moving!" I gasped.

"The baby?" Johnny asked.

"The pain!" I answered. "The pain is moving down! Ow! Ow! Ow-ow-ow! AHHH-"

And then the most humiliating thing ever happened... I'm woman enough to admit it...

...I farted.

I farted right there in the emergency room... and it was huge, loud and long. My face turned red and hot. My potentially fatal pain was nothing more than trapped gas.

On a positive note, the pain was gone. On a negative note, everyone in the emergency room was giving me odd looks. Some of the nurses were trying their hardest not to burst out laughing.

"You... uh... you feeling better now, baby?" Johnny asked me.

"Yeah, let's just get out of here..." I said in a low whisper.

We walked out of the emergency room and climbed back into the Rolls-Royce. My face was still red with embarrassment. I could not believe I did that. It was so humiliating!

Suddenly I heard snickering beside me. I looked over and saw Johnny laughing behind his sleeve. I gave him a swat on the shoulder and he burst out laughing.

"Shut up!" I told him.

"I'm n-not saying a-anything" he chortled.

"You have the mentality of a four year old!" I snapped, giving him another swat.

Shawn and Malcolm started laughing along with him.

I groaned, annoyed with all three of them. "You're all assholes! Immature assholes!" I told them angrily.

They just kept laughing all the way home.

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That night I headed up the stairs to our room to sleep. Johnny came into the room in his pajamas.

"You don't wanna sleep in your new bed?" He asked me.

"No" I shook my head.

"Okay" he crawled in beside me and stroked my baby bump. "I'm sorry..."

"For what?" I asked.

"For babying you all day" he said.

"So you were aware of what you were doing..." I nodded.

"I was" He admitted. "I don't know why I get like that. It started with Vanessa and now with you."

"What triggers it?" I asked.

"I'm not telling you. You'll laugh..." he told me.

"Then we'll be even" I replied.

Johnny sighed. "Fair enough" he said. "I guess... I guess I just love pregnant ladies."

I stared at him dumbfounded. "You have a pregnancy kink?"

"No! It's not really a sexual thing" He told me. "It's more like a emotional thing. Something about seeing the woman I love pregnant makes me love her to an extreme point. You women are always saying bad pregnancy is and how you feel sick and moody and fat. But all I see is a beautiful, glowing... adorably chubby woman." He kissed my lips. "...Who's working so hard to give me one of the greatest gifts ever."

I smiled at him.

"When I see you like that, I just can't help it" Johnny shrugged. "I get the urge to love you and take care of you. I get so protective. I remember when Vanessa was pregnant with Lily, I tried to take out some paparazzi's with a two by four!"

"I remember reading about that" I giggled.

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you" Johnny brushed some hair out of my face. "It's just, knowing that this is your first pregnancy and it's all new to you... I wanted to help and make it as easy for you as possible."

"Tell you what..." I told him. "The baby talk, crib bed and feeding me parts have to go. But the cooking and cleaning, all that you can still do."

"So I'm just your maid?" Johnny asked.

I giggled and kissed him. "There is one other thing I need, if your still in a giving mood?"

"What is it?" He smiled.

"Well, my hormones have been up and down lately..." I began.

"I've noticed" Johnny muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing! Continue..."

"Anyway... one of my most common problems lately is... out of nowhere... I get really... horny" I bit my lip, smiling.

"Really..." Johnny smirked.

"Yeah" I laughed softly.

"I think I might be able to assist you with that" he began placing soft kisses on my neck and collarbone.

I sighed contently.

"Baby...?" He asked.

"Hmm?"

"What does this remind you of?" He asked.

"Wha--"

He blew a raspberry into my neck and began laughing again.

I shoved him back over to his side of the bed. "I'm not in the mood anymore..." I growled.

"Neither am I!" Johnny laughed.

"Ass!" I snapped.