Dear Diary,

Whew! Another night of love-making with my love. And they say older men have trouble in bed? Johnny's amazing, it's not just about how he does it. It's the fact that he's so open to new things and everytime he wants to make sure I'm okay and I'm enjoying it too. He always makes sure I'm getting some pleasure out of it too. He's so sweet to take care of me afterwards to, getting me a drink and a cold towel. God, I love him...

Right now, he's lying beside me... passed out. I don't mind, he always gets so sleepy afterwards. He looks so relaxed and sweet when he's sleeping, like a little boy. It's times like this, I think back to the first time Johnny and I ever... consummated our relationship. Hard to believe that was a whole two years ago...

Johnny and I had been dating for a while at that point. I had met his family, he had met mine. Soon I had started living with him... I guess you could call it the honeymoon phase of our relationship, Although I don't really recall it ever ending.

Anyways Johnny had just returned from filming one of his projects the day before and we were catching up on some much needed cuddle time on the couch. When this happened...

"Babe?" Johnny asked me.

"Hmm...?" I smiled with my eyes closed, listening to his heartbeat.

"We've been going out for... what? Eight years now?" He asked.

"Eight months" I corrected, laughing.

"Right" he said feigning forgetfulness. "It just feels like eight years, because I love you so much" He kissed my nose.

I smiled. "Your point?" I asked still curious.

"Right" Johnny nodded. "I just wanted to know... when you're ready of course... when would you like to... y'know?" He shrugged.

"...Consummate?" I asked.

"Yes!" He snapped his fingers "That's a good way of describing it! And not as explicit as the word I was thinking of..."

"To tell you the truth... I've been thinking of the same thing lately" I told him honestly. "I just didn't know how to bring it up."

"So you want to?" Johnny asked.

I smirked. "Well, first let's see if you meet all the requirements... do I love you? Check!" I drew an invisible checkmark in the air. "Do you love me back?"

"Check!" Johnny mimicked my action and voice.

"Am I comfortable with you?" I questioned. "Check! Do you make me horny...? Uh..."

Johnny's dropped his jaw dramatically.

I giggled. "Check! Check! Check!" I said. "...Check! Check! Check! Checkity-Check!"

Johnny laughed. "So when did you want to do it?" He asked. "Cause I still have to head to Los Angeles tomorrow for a production meeting. I'll be over there all week."

"We can do it after that then!" I exclaimed excited. "I can plan a whole romantic evening for us. Our first time together should be a memorable one, right?"

"Exactly" he kissed my lips. "And I cannot wait to tap that." He squeezed my butt.

"Down, boy!" I play-scolded him. "Don't make me get the hose!"

"Ruff!" He barked playfully, pressing a kiss into my neck.

⚘❤⚘

The next morning, Johnny had to leave early to catch his flight. I woke up to his side of the bed empty and a note on his pillow with a rose. The note read:

Can't wait for our romance to blossom. Missing you already, my angel.

Love Johnny.

I smiled, smelling the rose. Is it any wonder I wanted him so badly? He's such a classic romantic.

I got up and went to the bathroom for a shower. As I took off my pajamas and got ready to hop in the shower, I caught sight of my naked self in the mirror.

I began to think about how I might've let myself go a little. I can't help it sometimes, after my last breakup I was depressed so I ate. Plus I'm also partial to stress-eating and when I'm working and I don't have time for lunch, I usually just grab a bag of chips.

But how much did I actually gain? I bent down and grabbed the scale Johnny kept under the bathroom sink. I hopped on and stood straight and still to get a true reading. I can't really remember when I last wieghed myself.

"Please don't be that much, please don't be that much..." I muttered anxiously.

I glanced down at the scale and my eyes widened. I backed off the scale, feeling like I just got slapped.

"I had no idea..." I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling ashamed that I let my health get that bad.

I turned my head and stared at my naked form in the mirror. Did I just get worst looking in the last two minutes. I snatched up my robe and put it on.

No shower yet! I thought. First I gotta go for a jog and then a shower.

I got dressed into some yoga pants and a tank top and walked into the kitchen to get a bottle of water. I noticed there were eggs and turkey bacon. I shrugged them off, it's probably too late for breakfast anyway. It wouldn't kill me to skip a meal here and there.

It was going to be hard, but I loved Johnny. And if was going to see me naked, I had to be attractive, I wasn't gonna disappoint him. I've come too far in my relationship with him to screw everything up now!

I had one week till he got back, so from now on, exercise was how I would spend my free time. My meals would be made of vegetables and water. Maybe a piece of fruit on my cheat days. I was going to do it! I was gonna lose weight, feel great and consummate!

⚘❤⚘

My diet started on Monday at around 8:45 a.m... and by Tuesday at 11:00 a.m, I had caved and ate a whole pack of oreos with a tall glass of chocolate milk. Was I proud of myself... no. Had I satisfied my stupid relentless appetite for jukefood? Sadly, yes.

I sighed, feeling ashamed of myself. I always ranted at Johnny to quit smoking and how he was a slave to nicotine. And here I was addicted to jukefood! I was a jukefood junkie!

Still there begged the question, how to get Johnny to find me attractive in the bedroom...

There was only one option I could think of. But I hated the thought of it... Viagra. AKA The little blue pill. AKA Get-up-and-go meds. AKA Libido lifters. AKA Cock stiffeners. AKA Penis pills. Whatever you preferred to call 'em...

If I could get some, grind them up and place them in Johnny's food. I wouldn't have to worry about him finding me unattractive or undesirable. I found a pharmactical website online that had them and they delivered with discrete packaging.

But still, I'd be drugging Johnny without his permission. I knew it wouldn't hurt him or nothing, but something about this seemed so criminal and wrong. It was a complete abuse of Johnny's trust in me and I worked so hard to earn that trust.

But I was so excited that he was willing to take the next step in our relationship, I didn't want to risk anything ruining it. I grabbed my phone and made the order, a bottle of viagra was on the way to my mailbox. But I only order a small bottle... Of course, I still had some faith in my Johnny.

⚘❤⚘

The week went by quick and I began to wonder wither or not my order was really going to get here before Johnny. I was beginning to give up hope when I saw Johnny's car pull up that evening. He rushed out of the car and into the house, I embraced him as he kissed my mouth and hugged me close.

"You smell so good" he whispered in my ear.

"I just got out of the shower" I smiled. "I missed you."

"I missed you too" Johnny told me. "More than you can imagine." He broke the hug and brushed some hair out of my face, smiling. "All set for tonight?" He asked.

"I think so..." I lied.

"Good" Johnny kissed my cheek and pulled something out from behind his back. A bouquet of flowers.

"Aww, baby!" I took them and kissed his cheek. "They're beautiful!"

"Well... they're not the most beautiful thing in this room... but yeah, I thought they were nice!" He shrugged.

"I swear, you're so charming sometimes it's illegal" I grinned. "I'm gonna go put these in water right now."

I went to the kitchen and put the flowers in a vase with water, when I noticed a small cardboard box on top of Johnny's suitcase.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Oh yeah! I was gonna tell you, I stopped by the mail today and there was a package addressed to you in it" Johnny told me.

"Oh Thank God!" I sighed, happy the pills came in after all.

"What?" Johnny asked.

"Nothing!" I turned to him. "Hey babe... uh, I'm just gonna go make sure the bedroom is all prepped and perfect for tonight."

"Sure..." he nodded.

"Great!" I began walking up the stairs with the package tucked under my arm. Until he grabbed my hand and kissed it.

"I'm really excited for tonight" he told me, smiling.

I returned to smile "Me too."

"I feel so lucky that you finally trust me completely" Johnny told me. "Don't you worry, I love you and promise to take good care of you."

I couldn't find the words so I just smiled before he let go of my hand and let me continue upstairs. Inside I was racked with guilt, he thought I trusted him completely and here I was about to diminish that. And for my own selfish reasons, because I was fat and I couldn't stick to a simple diet... I hated myself. And I feared that if Johnny ever learned the truth about what I was about to do, he would hate me as well...

I closed the bedroom door behind me and opened the package and sure enough, inside was a bag of little blue pills.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. My eyes widened.

"Sweetheart? Can I come in?" Johnny called through the door.

"Oh... uh, just a minute, babe!" I called back.

I hid the evidence into my jewelry box on the vanity.

"Okay, hon" I said. "You can come in."

He walked in with his suitcase. "Sorry, I just wanted to unpack" he said.

"Sure, no problem" I replied. "I was just picking up a bit. You unpack and I'm gonna go get dinner started, okay?"

"Okay" he kissed my cheek as I left the room.

⚘❤⚘

Johnny and I were just finishing dinner and I was preparing dessert. I grabbed the plastic baggy out of dress pocket. After Johnny finished had unpacking, I took one of the tablets out and crushed it into powder, so it would be easier to slip into Johnny's food.

"You're sure you don't need any help?" I heard Johnny call from the dining room.

"No, I got it!" I called.

"Fine, but I'm doing the dishes!" Johnny told me.

"Okay" I laughed. He's such a sweetheart like that...

I emptied the bag's contents into a dish of whipped cream and stirred it in, then added it to the top of Johnny's piece of cake.

"Here goes..." I muttered under my breath.

I walked back into the dining room and placed his slice in front of him. "Here you go, babe" I said. "Enjoy."

"Thank you" he dug into it.

I stared at the clock. The package said it would take twenty minutes for the viagra to kick in. I ate my cake and kept an eye on him.

By the time we finished dessert, fifteen minutes had passed. I took our plates to the kitchen and began rinsing them, until I felt Johnny's arms snake their way around my waist.

"Now that we've had dessert, I'm in the mood for something sweet..." he kissed my temple.

I smirked, both because I knew the pills were taking effect and that sly dog was turning me on.

"So... should we retire to the beaudoir for a... baise...?" I asked, saying the last part in French. (Translation: The F word!)

Johnny grinned and leaned in for a kiss, suddenly I felt something poke my thigh. We both looked down and saw the pills were doing their thing.

I giggled, acting surprised. "Woah, already?" I asked.

"I guess I can't help myself around you" Johnny smiled, slightly embarrassed.

I ran my fingers through his hair. "In that case, let's leave the dishes till tomorrow and we can go upstairs... and see if I can't help you out with that?" I grinned, feeling myself getting heated too.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, he put his hands on my waist... and before I knew it, he was picking me up and rushing me upstairs.

"Careful!" I told him as he ran up the stairs. I wrapped my legs around his waist so he wouldn't drop me.

He kicked the bedroom door open and kissed me passionately before dropping me onto the bed.

I laughed. "I think you broke the door!" I told him.

We both turned to see he had in fact left a imprint of his shoe on the wooden door.

"Oh shit..." He hissed. "I'll fix that later."

"How can you fix that?" I asked. "We need a new door now!"

He pouted, ashamed that he got carried away.

"Dont worry about that now!" I kissed his cheek. "Now I believe there's another hunk of wood we should focus on..."

"Right" he began unbuttoning his jeans, until he stopped and hissed in pain.

"What's wrong?" I asked concerned.

"Nothing..."

"No. Don't give me that bull" I told him. "What's wrong? Are you hurt? My God, did you pull something lifting me?"

"No, no! Nothing like that!" He shook his head. "It's just my..." he pointed to his erection. "I don't know. It hurts for some reason... like it's stinging or something."

"Stinging?" I asked, eyes widening.

Shit! What if he's having some kind of allergic reaction to the viagra? I thought to myself. What the hell was I thinking? Buying drugs off the internet?! For all I know, I could've fed him some kind of... super meth or crack or something! Jesus! I might've poisoned him! Oh God! He's gonna die and there'll be a huge investigation and I'll go to jail! How the hell will I explain this to his family? I can see the headlines now: DEPP DIES OF TWISTED SEX DRUG OVERDOSE! GOLD DIGGING GIRLFRIEND BURYS PIRATES ACTOR! I'll go down in history as the woman who was somehow worst than Amber Heard! His fan base will want me to hang! I'll be the twenty-first century equivalent of O.J Simpson! Oh my God!

All these thoughts ran through head a mile a minute. I had no choice, I had to tell the truth... and get Johnny to a doctor!

"Johnny, get your coat. I'm gonna pack you an overnight bag" I told him, rushing to the closet to get his clothes.

"What? Why?" He asked. "Calm down! It's probably nothing!"

"No, trust me. It's probably something" I told him, grabbing his pajamas.

"Believe me! It's not my first time" He chuckled. "It's natural that it hurt a little!"

"No... it's not!" I told him.

"Y/N... what's wrong?" He asked me.

I felt the tear threatening to slip from my eyes. I let this happen... I lied to the man I loved because I was ashamed of my own short comings. Because I was too weak to try to lose weight... and now Johnny had to suffer for it. He'll probably hate me for this! He'll probably think I did it because I thought he was too old to love me... I really screwed this whole thing up!

"Y/N, please say something..." he said. "C'mon, talk to me?"

"It's just... I..." I took a deep breath. "Alright, I have a confession!"

"Okay. What's wrong?" He sat down, listening.

""I... I drugged you, John!" I blurted out, blinking back tears. "I know it was sneaky and wrong. But before you say anything, I want you to know I didn't do it cause I thought you'd need it. Well... I mean I did, but not because I thought you were too old! I-I... Oh God! I fucked this whole thing up..." I began sobbing, tears escaping down my cheeks.

"Hey, hey" Johnny wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "C'mon, Darling. Breathe. Take a deep breath and tell me what's wrong. I'm here... I'm listening."

"I'm fat, okay? I'm not one of those vogue cover girls you've dated before, Johnny!" I told him. "I-I can't... I'm fat and gross-looking and... I honestly tried to change. I've been drinking water an- and skipping meals and I lost focus. I couldn't do it! I caved and I was so scared that when I got naked in front of you, you would be disgusted by me!"

"What?" Johnny exclaimed.

"I just... I didn't want you to have to try so hard... to stay hard!" I whimpered, tears rolling down my face.

"What made you think I'd be disgusted by you?" He asked me.

"Cause I'm fat!" I sobbed.

"Yeah and...?" Johnny asked. "So what if you have a little... chubbiness to you. Do you honestly think that holds you back from being beautiful?"

"Well... yeah" I shrugged.

"Well, it doesn't!" Johnny told me. "And fuck anyone who made you feel like that was the case... I mean, don't go fucking them, they don't deserve that. Just, y'know..."

I started sobbing again.

"Aww, sweetie no. No, c'mere..." Johnny held me, rubbing circles on my back. "Now listen, it's true I have dated a few women with certain structures, but I only dated those girls because I liked what I saw inside. Same reason I'm with you. At my age, I've come to the assumption that looks fade with time. I mean, I'm living proof! Can you honestly say I look the same way I did in the eighties?"

"You actually got better with age" I sniffled and smiled lightly.

Johnny nodded "Everyone says that, but if that's the case... how bad was I before?"

I laughed. "But seriously, John" I said. "Can you honestly tell me you find me attractive? And be honest, I'd rather you be honest than nice."

"I am attracted to you!" Johnny told me, handing me a tissue.

"How can you be so certain?" I asked, wiping away my tears.

"Well, let's just say you're not the only one who hasn't been entirely truthful..." he said.

"What do you mean?" I raised a brow.

"Because I found the bag of viagra you were hiding in your jewelry box. I accidentally knocked it off the vanity when I was unpacking." Johnny smirked "So I replaced the pills with blue breath mints."

My eyes widened. "What?" I turned to him.

He grinned and nodded.

"So this... wood... you got right now?" I asked, looking down at it. "It's real?"

Johnny grinned "As Pinocchio's schnoz!"

I went to my jewelry box, pulled out the box of viagra and I smelled it... they did smell minty! I took one out and licked it... they were breath mints alright!

I smiled and turned to him slowly. "You sneaky little sex bomb!" I chuckled, hugging him. "So does it really hurt or...?"

"No, I just said that to get the truth out of you" Johnny pecked my lips. "And there isn't gonna be anymore lies between us, is there?"

"No, there isn't" I smiled, resting my head on his chest.

"Good" Johnny kissed my hairline and rested his chin on top my head.

I nuzzled my face into his neck. "Sweetie, while I'm confessing the truth..." I said. "Remember when the Hollywood Vampires came over for a jam session last month...? And Tommy accidentally knocked your 1952 Fender Telecaster guitar off the wall and broke it."

"Yeah..." Johnny nodded. "That thing was worth fifty grand."

"That was me..." I admitted. "I paid Tommy twenty bucks to take the blame."

"I forgive you" He kissed my forehead. "Now can we please have sex?" He whined. "I think it's actually starting to hurt now!"

"Okay" I giggled. "Strip down and get into bed. Just give me two minutes in the bathroom."

"Alright... hurry!" He kissed me once more before letting me go to the bathroom.

I went to the bathroom and quickly brushed my teeth, spritzed on some perfume and made sure I was still shaved. I took off my skirt and blouse and looked in the mirror. I didn't really like what I saw, but I remembered what Johnny said, just cause I'm a little chubby doesn't mean I still can't be beautiful.

And besides, all that mattered was that Johnny loved me. That's why we were doing this. Because we loved each other...

I walked out of the bathroom with my bra and panties on and looked at him in bed.

"Beautiful" Johnny smiled at me.

I smiled back, climbing into bed with him. "Do you have something for me...?" I asked him.

"Honey, I have so many things for you... that you probably won't be getting out of this bed for the rest of the day" He kissed me and flipped me on top of him.

⚘Present Day⚘

I sighed remembering it all. Suddenly Johnny stirred beside me, he rubbed his eyes and looked over at me.

"What's got you looking so happy?" He asked me, grinning.

"You" I answered. "And knowing that I'm yours and you're mine." I leaned down to kiss his lips. Then I noticed the covers near his groin had turned into a tent.

"Ready for round two, I see?" I giggled.

"I was dreaming about you" Johnny shrugged. "Remember that time you actually thought I needed viagra?"

"Yeah" I smiled, peeking under the covers. My eyes widened "Boy, was I wrong..."