I've spent way too much time
With pools of sweat on my forehead
Shaky breaths and an uneven pulse
Staring at figures in the dark
Trying to make out what they are
Never brave enough to turn on the light
Making sense of things that don't look right
Hoping for the best
And ignoring a weight on my chest

It's like I'm watching a horror film
Waiting for the bad guy
To get the helpless fool

And the warnings fall on def ears
But I think I know
And I think that makes it worse

They tell me to start thinking about my future
As if that's not the only thing I ever think about
As if I haven't planned out every move

Like a game of chess
Letting the consequences
Of each move
Play in my head
Over and over
Until I decide
It'd just be easier
Not to play
Their stupid game

I almost died today
I swerved just in time
There wasn't even a scratch
Or a mark

And we just went on with our day
As if everything didn't almost change
And I think that's fucked up
or maybe it's just me

I mean we were both
Seconds away
From living in a completely different world

One without me
Or one without her

It's like we've been conditioned
To be desensitized
To things that had no real consequences

I watched her take a deep breath
And then merge back on to the road

And I wondered if there was
An alternative universe
Where she wasn't so lucky

And I wondered if there was
An alternative universe
Where that bothered her too

There's a whole world
It's so much bigger
Than were capable of giving it credit for

And we only have one life
And I feel this pressure
To see as much as I can

And sometimes I feel
Like I'm the only one
With that pressure

And it makes me feel so small
Not because of how big the world is
But because of how big my fears are

And it makes me feel alone
Not because of how many people there are
But that I'm the only one that feels such a need

To be great
To be deserving
To understand

Everyone wonders
What happens after you die?
But what if when you die
Everyone wonders
What happens after you are born?

I have this stupid thought because
We obsess about things being better
But what if even in death
That's all we can do

I don't say "what if"
I say "what's the point"
Because I'm secure in my insecurities
And eternally weary of progress

I look at my future
The way I look in the mirror
Sometimes I like what I see
And sometimes the feelings lasts

But try as I might
I don't trust myself
And just because things look pretty now
Doesn't mean it's not all in my head

I watch every step I make
And analyze every look on everyone's face
To be sure that they'll stay,
Even if it's just a moment longer

And to this day
I don't miss people
But I hate them for leaving
Because I'm never sure why.

I remember being wide eyed
And optimistic
I don't know what hit me
But I have the scars to
Prove me wrong

I don't always learn
From my mistakes
But I learn from my feelings
And I think that's important

Being in the dark
Doesn't make you darkness
Set yourself on fire
Light up the world
And the unknown
Can never stifle
You again