“Memories are always special.
Sometimes we laugh by remembering the days we cried.
And we cry by remembering the days we laughed...! That's a life”

*** Gemini POV ***

I woke up drenched in sweat.  At the very end it seemed to me that I was falling into some endless abyss.  It was terrifying.

I hate it!

I fucking hate it!

What have I done in this life and in previous ones to deserve so big pain? How bad person I had to be to deserve this all? Will it ever end? I wish it stopped. I wish someone took away my memories. I don't remember my whole childhood, just some little flashbacks, for example my mom and dad eating breakfast with me and Dunk when we were very little, but...

Fuck!

I hate it! The pain it brings... I wouldn't wish that to my worst enemy! I wanted to scream, I wanted to punch the wall or someone's face. I wanted alcohol or drugs to erease everything from my mind. And to for a moment not feel anything.

Emotions and feelings sucks. Being human sucks. Sometimes I wish I was never born. Because what is the reason? I will never be happy anyways. I will never be loved and I don't even believe in love. Love sucks. Love is for weak. I'm not weak. I'm strong. I'm a warrior. I had to learn how to survive.

If I'm a warrior, a fighter, then why do I feel like a loser? Why it feels like the darkness isn't outside me but INSIDE my own soul?! Why, when I think about my own soul, I see it crying black tears and bleeding with broken wings of an angel, with dirty clothes that used to be white but now are grey and with a lot of holes? Why when I picture my own soul it looks so pitiful? Why do I feel like unwanted, abandoned dog on the street, always kicked by everyone? Why do I feel like my heart breaks over and over? Why can't I just live normal life? Without memories from my past lives dragging me down?!

Why can't I just LIVE?!

These were questions I don't have answers for.

And the worst thing is that I can have flashbacks at the strangest moments, for example when I drink my morning coffee (I don't like the taste of it, but I remember that as long as my mother was with us, she always drank it in the morning and always with milk; I have few memories of it,  so I'm sticking to what I still remember).

Today I had the same dream again: we were on a date, me and... and the other guy... yes, the other guy... The guy who looks like Fourth...

This is what hurts the most, because I hate him with all my heart, he annoys me with his very existence, he is always so nice to everyone, so good-natured and polite... And meanwhile, my dreams...

No, they're not even dreams, they're nightmares, and today was the worst of them all...

In this dream we were on a date, I have a vague feeling that we ran away from home to go there.  He taught me how to ride a motorcycle and at one point he decided that I could ride a bit on my own.  I got on the bike, but I didn't hear anything, no sound, nothing.  There was no warning.  This car just suddenly appeared out of nowhere.  It didn't even have his lights on.  I had no chance to brake.  There was a head-on collision.  My body flew helplessly over the car, the bike fell onto the road surface...

And then, I don't know how, but I stood next to my body and watched the boy run up to me, kneel next to me and tug at my arms.  My whole body was covered in blood.  My left arm was broken and my eyes were open, reflecting the streetlights.

I was dead beyond any doubt.

“Heart!  Wake up!  I'm begging you, talk to me!  No, no, this can't be true!  Heart, come back to me, you hear?!  COME BACK TO ME!  I LOVE YOU, do you hear?!  How come I didn't have time to tell you this?!  Heart, no, I don't believe it.  Don't make fun of me like that, talk to me.”

He was speaking as if in this lifetime I could hear him... But as far as I remember I was deaf. But he had forgotten it all when the accident happened. He was hurt and scared and I wanted to come to him, to cheer him up, to tell him that it's okay, that I didn't feel much pain. I wanted to tell him that we'll meet again, but he couldn't see or hear me. I wasn't even a ghost, I was only a soul that left its body...

This broke me. I never wanted to experience this again. Maybe my curse is that I'll always remember all out joint memories?

I have never heard such pain, such despair in someone's voice.  And he was kneeling over my dead body and begging me to come back to him, even though for obvious reasons I couldn't do it anymore.  I was dead, but he didn't get it.  He hugged my body to his, cried, screamed.  It was night, a beautiful, cloudless night with a full moon.

“God, if there is any god, know that I hate you!  You can't take him from me, you hear?!  I only have Heart, I only have him, don't take him from me, you cruel monster!  If any god exists, I curse that god!  Give me back Heart!  I'm not asking for anything more, I'll never ask for anything again.  You can take me away, you can hurt me, you can give me all the suffering, but let Heart come back to me.”

His crying broke my heart.  I realized that we must have been very close to each other.  How close?  I don't know, but it seems to me that we have known each other for many centuries and are constantly looking for each other.  I feel tired of it because every time one of us dies young, and I can't let it happen again...

That's why I hate him.

I believe that if I hate him, that if we are not together, I will protect him and this time he will live to a ripe old age, have his own happy family and...

It was hard for me to pull myself together.  Today, even brushing my teeth turned out to be difficult, I didn't have enough strength to take a shower.  I was glad Fourth wasn't in the room, but I was concerned about how close Prim was hanging around him.  I know her too well, she's a nice girl, but she can confuse anyone.  But maybe it's better?  If she is Fourth's girlfriend, then at least Nattawat will be safe in this life and maybe the curse will be lifted?

When Prim said Fourth was acting like a girl, it unlocked another memory of mine...

Her name was Susanne, but we called her Susie.  She was beautiful, two years younger than me.  She came from a higher social class, had a husband and three children.  That day we were sitting together in church (it looks like we were Europeans), in the middle, on a catafalque covered with dark purple material, there was a small, white coffin and next to it a cross with a plaque and name.  I will remember this name forever.  Evie.  She was 3 years old.  Only 3 years.  Susie looked as if she was absent in thought and spirit.  She looked straight ahead, her eyes swollen with tears and red.  Her husband was sitting next to her, he seemed drunk.  We were all dressed in black.

Her husband was generally a very handsome man, many people liked him, not just women, and there were rumors that he had male lovers, even I had mixed feelings about him.  It was all part of my dreams, or rather nightmares...

A moment later the scene changed.  We were sitting on the edge of the king-size bed in what I think was Susie's bedroom.

“It's because of us that our little Evie died,” Susie said sadly.  I held her hand.  To this day I don't know whose child Evie was, mine or her husband's?  There was no explanation for this in my nightmares and that made me even more nervous.

“Don't say that, please.”

“But it's the truth!  God took it from us for our sins.”

“What do you call a sin?”

“Us together.  This should never have happened.  I have a husband, Thomas, I had a husband the day I started talking to you.  I must have gone completely blind.  I brought tragedy to our home.”

“You love me, not him, I love you too.  I may not be rich, but I could take care of you.”

“No, Thomas.  We have to break up.  That will be better".

"Better?  For whom?  Certainly not for you.  Raphael will hurt you again!”

“I deserved it.  Go away, Thomas, I beg you.  Get out of here before my husband returns.  I don't want him to see you."

“Susie, you know I don't want this.  Let me take you to me.  Let's escape.  We will live somewhere in the countryside where no one will find us.  It will be difficult for us at first, I know that, but together we will do it," I tried to convince her to accept my idea.  And I know that if I could...

If I had succeeded, perhaps none of what happened would have happened.

I think it was maybe 1889, a long time ago.  At least that was the year on the tablet on the cross of that prematurely deceased child, Evie.

I don't know how long we sat like that together.  At some point a storm broke out.  Lightning flashed across the night sky outside the large windows.  Susie was trembling with fear.  I hugged her to me.  Large raindrops were hitting the window loudly.  I hated the sound, I hated the rain.

Suddenly, Susie's bedroom door opened with a loud bang, hitting the wall.  A handsome man stood in the doorway, tall, with beautiful, slightly curly brown hair and blue eyes darkened with anger.  He had a funny mole above his mouth.  He looked at us menacingly.  Suddenly he took a small Colt from his belt and pointed it at me.

“So that's it, so I was right.  You're unfaithful, Susanne.  You never loved me, did you?  I know we were forced into this wedding, that you never wanted to be with me.  And now I see who really takes my rightful place in your heart and... in our marriage bed.”

His voice was sharp and his face was contorted with diabolical cruelty.

“Raphael, it's not like that... Thomas is my friend...”

Susie tried to explain it to him.  She walked up to him, grabbed his hand and began to beg him to listen to her.  He pushed her away.  She fell to the floor.

“You only deserve to die, Thomas.  You were a good tailor, but you hurt our family.  You destroyed us.  From now on you will never be able to be together again.  I curse you forever.  As many times as you are reborn, as many times as you will find each other, but you will never be able to be a happy family”.

And then he pointed the gun at her, pulled the trigger, and it was all over.  My beautiful Susanne slumped to the floor lifeless, and the cruel Raphael walked up to me, grabbed me by the cotton shirt I was wearing and pulled me towards him, pressing his mouth painfully against mine.

“I just wanted to see if you were really good enough to take my wife away from me, but let me tell you honestly, you don't even know how to kiss.  I don't know what that stupid bitch saw in you.  Well, then I guess you should join her.”

This time he put the barrel of the Colt to my temple and smiled cruelly and sinisterly.

“Go look for her,” he said again and pressed the trigger.

Everything ended.  The world turned black and empty.  I lost my Susie, I lost myself.  I lost.

That's why now I can't love or even like Fourth.  Reminds me too much of Susie and LiMing.  I don't want to suffer like that again and I don't want him to die because of me.  Although maybe it's all just in my head?  Maybe these memories aren't real?  Maybe some demon is sending me these visions to destroy me?

I haven't told anyone about my dreams, and now, since I moved in with Fourth, I also have these visions that appear at random times and concern different people.

I didn't go to breakfast.  Saturday was our day off.  I wrapped myself tightly in the covers, unlocked my phone, and started mindlessly scrolling through one of those non-magical apps called TikTok.  I just wanted to forget what I remembered and suddenly a TikTok video gave me an unexpected thought:

«Maybe my father asked to have his memory of my mother erased because he loved her so much that it hurt him to think that this woman was no longer next to him?  Maybe he blamed himself for it?  Maybe I shouldn't hate him so much?  What if he was just suffering and that's why he stopped seeing me and Dunk, his sons?  I got used to the thought that we were a burden to him, that he hated us because he lost our mother because of us.  What if it was different?»

Thinking like this made me feel even worse.  I was in such a bad state that when Fourth returned to our room a few hours later, I wordlessly went up to him and hugged him.  I needed it, inside I was falling apart into thousands of little pieces and only he could put me back together.   Fourth's body stiffened.  He didn't make any move, but I could clearly feel that he was afraid of me.

«What have I done?!  I wanted to protect you, my Susie, my LiMing, but instead I only caused you more pain... I'm sorry!  If only you could understand that I have a reason to be such an ass! »  I thought, full of disappointment with myself and anger at a world that had been so cruel to both of us.

I was changing.  I felt this change in myself.  The more time I spent with him, the more vulnerable I became, the more I surrendered to him, the more I wanted to be close, and at the same time I also wanted to run away as far as possible.  My or not my memories were overwhelming me, they were a burden that was so difficult to bear on my own.  And today their weight prevailed.  I no longer had the strength to put on the mask of arrogance, I no longer had the energy to be who I had been trying to be since I first saw Fourth and my heart stopped.

“LiMing…Susie…” I whispered nonsensically.  I didn't cry, although I was close to it.  It is inappropriate for a future king to be a crybaby.  The future king must be strong, brave, have courage, be wise and faithful.  And I have to be strong.  And I must become king.  Then I will take away Fourth's memories and runes, banish him to the non-magical world, thus giving him a chance at at least one happy life.  He is not safe here, with me he will suffer or die.

“What did you call me?”

“Huh?  LiMing... Never mind, forget about it.  It's just the name of someone I once knew.  It doesn't matter anymore”. 

I moved away from him.  His proximity had a strange effect on me.  It was so painfully familiar!  It's him, I was sure of it, it's my LiMing and my Susie.  Maybe he doesn't remember anything, but I remember almost everything and I can't let history repeat itself.

«But in the end it was you who always died, Norawit, you only want to protect yourself», that terrible voice in my head mocked me.  I read somewhere (or maybe someone told me) that people who hear voices in their heads are people suffering from schizophrenia.  I don't know how much truth there is in this and I don't want to find out.  I don't want it to turn out that my beautiful, although painful world is just a product of my tired mind.  I want to believe that I am healthy, that the Knights of Light Institute really exists, that Fourth is really here with me, and that I actually have a chance to become king...

What if all this isn't true?  What if I just made it up?  What if I'm actually lying in a bed in a psychiatric ward in a hospital in a coma and I'm just dreaming all this?

I pinched my cheek and when it hurt, I smiled softly.

No, this is not fiction, this is reality.  If it hurts, it means it's true.

“Gem?  Is everything OK?”

Fourth asked me, his voice unexpectedly soft as I rubbed my hand over my sore cheek.  He stretched his hand out in front of him and touched me there.  I jumped back as if he had electrocuted me, which was partly true, because when he touched me I felt a spark of energy pass between us.

“No, nothing is okay.  I have to find my father.”  I said it completely honestly.  In a moment I regretted my honesty.  I didn't want us to get close at all.  It would ruin everything.

“Your father?  What for?”

“Never mind, none of your business.  Mind your own business and leave me alone.”

I sound rude, I know, but that's how it had to be.  I have to push him away, I have to make sure he is safe.

«You are such an egoist, Norawit!  You don't care about his safety at all, but about your own.  You don't want to suffer and you don't care that he will suffer even more and it will be your fault». 

That same fucking voice again...

I was fed up with this.  I turned my back on Nattawat and left the room.  I needed to find Dr. Mixxiw.  I guess he was the only one who could help me somehow.  His face also appears in my memories, the rest of the faces and figures are blurry.

🤐😭😤☺️❤️😅🫂☁️☀️

Reason by using these names:

Thomas:

Raphael:

Susanne:

Hi Magicals again!

Are you confused?

Well...

As you should be!

And if you're not confused then I failed 💔😭

Or maybe not...

I don't know myself!