"For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'."

- John Greenleaf Whittier

•❅───✧❅✦❅✧───❅•

My dear moon,

The thing about losing someone is that it doesn't just happen once.

It happens over and over again, leaving a mess of broken hearts and tears each time. It happens in the little things of life, which don't seem like much until you've lost them. Like how every morning I wake up not to the sound of the alarm, but the lack of warmth beside my body only to remember it hasn't been there for the past seven months. Or how I make a cup of jasmine tea alongside my coffee for breakfast only to pour all the tea down the drain. Or how last week I searched the entire closet for my favourite black hoodie before I realized it was never mine to begin with.

Or how yesterday, when your brother showed up at o̶u̶r̶ my place to collect the remaining of your belongings, the only thing I could focus on was how he wore the same perfume you did every time we went out for dinner.

And now, every time I do my laundry, I still can't bring myself to wash the sheets we last slept on together, because somehow, after all this time, it still smells like you.

How every time I try to feed Leo but only end up with whines and scratches on my hand. He always liked you more anyway. I don't blame him.

I remember whenever we sat down for movie night, I'd leave my legs spread open for you to tuck yourself in and nuzzle your cheek against my thigh, leaving small kisses here and there. I remember how I'd run my fingers through your wet hair because despite me telling you a million times to dry it well, you just never seemed to listen.

"I like the cool feeling," you'd say.

I remember how some nights, you'd be tucked against my side and I would draw circles on your arm, the one wrapped around my waist. You would hum, and I could feel the vibrations deep down in my heart.

I remember the first time I called you moon. The tips of your ears turned red as you turned your head away in embarrassment.

"Why moon?" You asked me later that night when we lay in the comfort of our shared blanket.

"Because no matter how dark things get for me, I know that when I look at you, you'll always guide me towards the light."

That was the first time we made love.

Some days, the feeling of melancholy becomes too strong to bear as it leaves a dull ache resonating deep within my bones.

I remember the last time you had trouble sleeping, you were too quiet, and I could sense the trouble in your breathing.

"What's wrong sweetheart?" I asked, my voice thick with sleep.

You latched on to me tighter and spoke in a muffled voice. "I'm scared I won't do well in my performance tomorrow."

It was a lie. You were never nervous about your performance. You were always confident in your voice. It was one of the many things I loved about you.

"I'm the best at what I do darling," you used to say.

The worst part is that you knew, that I knew you were lying. Why you felt the need to lie to me that night, might never become clear to me. But it was the first time you ever lied to me. It was also the last.

I wondered if I should confront you about it. A thousand confrontations made their way into my head.

"I know you'll do great my moon," was what I said instead, kissing the side of your head.

You hugged me tighter gave out a small 'hmm'. And maybe if I had paid more attention to the little things, I would have noticed how you didn't ask me to increase the temperature of the AC like you do every night because you get too cold. Or how I didn't see your toothbrush beside mine on the bathroom sink when I went to brush that night. Or how your suitcase was hidden under the table, your pink t-shirt, the matching ones we got for our fourth anniversary, peeking out from it.

Some nights when I lay alone in the bed, I wonder if I should have said something. Perhaps I should have confronted you about the lie and asked you what was really bothering you. Perhaps then we could have been on a different path than the one we are on now.

I remember the last time I saw you. Your eyes were brimmed with tears as you carried your suitcase with your left hand because you had cut your right one while chopping vegetables for dinner last night. The pink t-shirt, still peeking out from it.

You refused to look at me. And I wish you had. I so desperately wish you had because you always carried your heart on your sleeve, and I knew that if I looked hard enough, I could've seen your reasons in your eyes.

"I'm sorry," you had said. But the only thing I can remember was how beautiful you looked, even when you shattered my heart into a million pieces.

Though what hurts the most, is that you'll never know. You'll never know how I woke up extra early that morning just so I could fetch you your favourite pastry from the bakery across the street because you told me last night how you were craving one.

You'll never know how I begged my boss to let me take the day off because I know how much you loved seeing me in the crowd, watching you perform, and I could never miss the chance to see you shine on the stage. You always shone the brightest when you sang.

"You're my good luck charm," you'd say with a kiss to my cheek.

I've never been someone to believe in god, but if I did, I'd beg him to let me see you one last time, so I could memorize how you look because some days I feel like I'm starting to forget.

I don't want to forget.

I don't know why you left when you did. Nor do I know if you're out there somewhere, enveloped in the happiness, I wish I could've been the one to give you.

I don't know and I might never find out.

What I do know is that after all this time, I'm still very much in love with you and I wonder if I'll ever stop. But right now, the only thing I can do is hang on to the belief that wherever you are in this world, you're still shining as bright as I've seen you shine.

So now, every time I'm surrounded by those I love, I make sure to cherish the moments we live through, for they might be all we have left.

Happy birthday my moon. I hope you still shine bright enough to guide those who happen to be fortunate enough to stumble upon your path in their time of darkness. Just like I once did.

With love,

Your darling.

•❅───✧❅✦❅✧───❅•

Hello fellow readers! I hope you enjoyed the story.

Notice how I have neglected to specify the gender of both characters. I leave that up to the reader's imagination.

Looking forward to your votes, comments and feedback.

Love,

N