What's wrong with me?

Why do I cry all the time?

Why do I have to hurt?

Why is it every time I look at my scars, I want to create more?

I have flaws. I know that. I see every single fucking one. I have lost count on how many I have. I can't bear looking in the mirror every single day, knowing that is what I am going to see.

I have scars. I know that. I hate them, but I create more. Do you want to know why? I might hate them, every single fucking one of those ugly marks on my skin. They will be there forever and I know that. I do not cut because I enjoy it. Does anyone actually enjoy inflicting pain on themselves. Maybe some do, I'm not going to judge, I have no right to do that because I do it myself. I cut. I create scars on myself. But I do not cut because I enjoy it. I cut because I deserve it. I deserve all the scars that I have given myself plus more. I deserve to have the blood dripping down my thighs and arms. I deserve it all and that is why I cut. I do not do it for attention. I don't do it because I want to. I do it because I deserve it.

Everyone has problems and I know that. I don't share mine with others because of that. I pretend to be happy and put on a fake smile to please everyone else. I don't need to get others involved in life that is not their own. I don't want someone to think that they can help me.; Because lets face it no one can. People have tried, but I am past the stage where someone can help. I've given up. Everyone wants to be saved, I want to be saved, but I can't be. I don't let anyone in to save me because every time I do or am about to, they hurt me. So why try? Why be saved, when in the end i'm going to die anyway. Why be saved when the hero will just walk away?

What is wrong with me?

I can answer that. Everything. I'm not perfect. I have flaws and insecurities. I'm stupid and I couldn't even pass the first grade. I have speech impairments, so I will always never be able to talk perfectly. I have eating disorders, and I cut. I'm afraid of letting people help me because I know that everyone will just hurt me and walk away in the end. I give up too easily and let everyone else win. I trust too easily and end up getting hurt, over and over again. It's my own fault i'm like this, because every single day I am the exact same. I have the same fears, and Every day I hate myself a little more.

What's wrong with me?

I'm me that is what is wrong with me.

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So this monologue was absolutely terrible. sorry that it was so bad I don't know what it is.

Thank you guys so much for 13 reads, I know its not that many, but its a lot to me. I didn't even think I would get this many reads.

HAPPY NEW YEARS BTW EVERYONE I hope everyone has an amazing year of 2017. IT feels weird typing that Omg.

Anyway starting on the 9th of January (which is this month) I will start to hopefully update every Monday . No promises though, because sometimes I might not be able to or I might not get time during the week to write anything. But anyways yea.

Have a wonderful night/morning wherever you are

Xoxo-Courtney