Words Count- 2470
Attached Song- Tujhe kaise pata.
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[ Neha Mehra ]

Fear and insecurity are the only emotions that I am aware of, after I spotted him with her.

I don't know why, but I was scared to lose him. I felt goosebumps on my skin, thinking if I would close my eyes and the moment I open them, he wouldn't be there anymore by my side.

My eyes were burning with tears, and I felt my heart thudding hard as I woke up and didn't see him beside me.

Where is he?

Tying my hair in a messy bun, I saw my reflection in the mirror. My face looked pale, bags under my eyes, nails bare of nail polish and chapped lips, winter being the sole cause of their dryness. I could see some of my grey hairs tangled with my black wavy ones and my shooting up stress taking a toll on them. They were losing their lustre, with frizziness. Should I take a hair porosity test?

Hurriedly, I grabbed a full glass of water in a glass tumbler and picked out a few hair strands after combing a little. I dropped the hair strands into the tumbler, and it sank till the middle of the glass.

Thank god, it didn't sink fully!

Taking deep breaths, I brought crushed ripe papayas from the kitchen and applied it to my scalp gently, tossing my hair side by side wrapping my hair with a clean transparent plastic.  I placed a fruit sheet mask on my face and laid on the sofa, thinking deeply on what to do next.

Is he really getting tired of me?

Unknown to me, I was lulled to sleep with the cooling sensations in my hair and face making peace with my inner conflicts. A sudden shake on my shoulder disturbed me.

"Why are you laying here like a clown?" I heard someone's voice.

"Di, I just slept. I don't know how?" I mumbled, pulling out the face mask.

"Go and wash your hair. I have made your favourite chocolate cookies and pastry." She exclaimed excited, while rubbing her hands.

I ate to my heart's delight and then, got ready to leave for the hospital. There were three major patients for the day.

Two of which were minor cardiomyopathy. I was done with prescribing their medications and then, I moved to the last patient.

It was the case of a mere girl of 19 years, who lost her parents in a bomb blast. The trauma was so severe that she was suffering from broken-heart syndrome or takotsubo cardiomyopathy.

Though at first, she was admitted for a silent heart arrest, but there weren't any clots or clogs in her arteries. It was pretty unusual, that concluded the case as an emotional trauma post witnessing the fatal bomb blast. I wrote medicines for her shortness of breath and chest pain and advised her attendant to follow up with a  psychologist to stabilize her emotional turmoil sooner, or else a mild stroke could attack her.

I took rounds of patients after the lunch and three hours passed in a blink. It was still an hour to go for the clock to hit six in the evening. So, I thought to pay him a visit.

In about half an hour, I entered his cabin without a knock, seeing it vacant.

He smiled at me and excused himself to the washroom. I was scrolling through my e-mails, when my eyes caught the sight of his phone.

Should I check who his lifeline is?

I wondered and held his phone to see it unlocked. I typed his birth date and even our marriage date, but everything in vain.

I was only left with a single chance or the phone would get locked for hours. I tried hard to recall something that I missed but, couldn't find anything.

I was still gazing at it, when he entered and asked me if there were any calls for him. I shook my head in a no and filled our tummy with delicious masala dosas, erstwhile sharing a kiss in the parking lot.

I loved the feeling of us being together. They say, eyes hold the honesty of a human and there are his eyes that always glance at me with that intensity of love flashing in them.

Were they all a facade?

My heart wanted to believe him, but my mind was adamant not to take any risk. I wanted him all for myself. We soon reached home and as he got into the room, I kissed him roughly. My mind was blinded with the fear of losing him. Like I lost Viraj.

The fear of losing him and the only thought of sharing him with anyone else set my body on fire. There was this ignited desire and desperation in me to not leave any choice for him, but to stay with me. Only by my side and in my thoughts.

A sudden jerk drew me apart from his body. My body was shook with anger at his rejection to my advances and tears of humiliation and the fear of losing him condensed together and rolled down my eyes.

As tears streamed down my face, he yelled something at me and left. I couldn't hear anything, not a single word as I was way too occupied in my own series of thoughts and notions.

The sound of the door hitting the wall resonated in the room, dragging me out of my reverie. I saw him sleeping on his side, his back facing my direction.

Does he really not want me anymore?

The hope in my tiny heart was succumbing gradually with his unwillingness to share things with me. It hurt me to see his nonchalance towards me. The urge to hold him made me so frenzy that I slept in the direction of the bed he faced in that little space beside him. His arms felt like my heaven, that I knew I was getting dependent to.

He moved back and snuggled closer to me, making my lips smile merrily. I pecked his lips delicately and slept, inhaling his manly citrus cologne.

×× ××

Soon, the sun rose.

He was looking for his clothes, when I finally thought to ask him what has been ripping my heart for almost a week.

"What is your phone's password?" I inquired in a low tone.

"What?" He looked at me, shocked. Maybe, he doesn't want me to know his password.

"I mean, I just wanted to call my mum but, my phone is dead and I just put it on charge." I quickly brought up an easy excuse. It seemed believable.

"I'm not asking you why you want it. I'm just surprised that you still don't know my phone's password." He explained and I looked at him, wide-eyed.

"Uhh." I mumbled, guiltily. Were we not even that close to strike these little conversations in these months of our marriage?

"14581" He answered.

"Why 14581?" I asked, quite curious. Because, it wasn't something significant I knew about.

"It's your name. The numbers are as per the alphabetical order of your name." I looked at him in awe.

Is he for real?

We had lunch together with everyone else and he went to the study.

I was making a presentation for my upcoming seminar when his phone rang.

I stood up to give him his phone, but my actions halted as I saw the name flashing on the screen 'Lifelines'.

Should I receive it?

"Oh my goodness, Surfraaz. I love you. I love you. I am so damn happy. I did it. I can't express how happy I am- It's all because of you and your efforts. I love you so much. Why aren't you saying anything, huh?" I received the call with my trembling hands and then, declined the call abruptly.

She loves him?

I could hear footsteps approaching this room, so I did what I could do the best at that time. I threw the phone on the sofa and laid my body on the bed, while calming my heartbeats taking deep breaths.

I could hear the door opening. Some minutes later, his phone rang. He went away asking, "Hey, how are you?"

I followed him closely though my heart was restless. I didn't know where this would lead us, but I need to get to the truth out of him by hook or crook.

"So, how were the results?" I heard him inquire from her.

"Tell me again, I couldn't hear that time. Oh my goodness! Congratulations, sweetheart. I knew, you would make me proud. I am so happy for you." I had never seen him smile this big since the time, I entered this house. But, his next couple of words were enough to freeze me to death.

"But, I love you more, my princess." He said, a dazzling smile playing on his lips.

He too loves her. Then, what about me?

Anger and agony coursed through my veins like liquified mercury. He turned to face me and I could clearly see him stiffening under my gaze. While, all I could do was to stare at him, completely stoned.

"Who is she?" I croaked out calmly, trying hard to control the surging anger eager to erupt from my mouth through harsh words.

"The one about whom you were asking Viraj and Maa, when I was in pune." He answered, looking straight into my eyes.

"But, who is she? Why have you never introduced her to me?" I asked as my restlessness was transforming into tranquility. The peace of my heart and mind were returning, which I longed for long. Maybe, I could've asked him before.

"She is Saanvi. Someone really important in my life. She doesn't concern you, so I didn't feel it important to let you know about her. By the way, we were never that close to discuss every parts of our life with each other." He replied, but what hurt me hard was the use of that last line. Were we really never that close?

I couldn't pin-point, why I was hurt when what he said was true. We were really never that close to confide our thoughts and secrets in each other, neither ours is a normal husband-wife relationship. We are way more like room-mates, who are best of friends nothing more than that. Even, most of our months post- marriage we stayed apart.

Gathering every pieces of my broken heart, I put up a micro-smile and asked him with a hope that he would deny, "Do you love Saanvi?"

He was looking at the main door continuously, I too followed his line of sight and gazed at our flower paradise happily bloomed, and waiting for the season of fall.

"I do. More than I can ever love anyone." He mumbled in a daze, still gazing at the bushes of flowers with a dreamy smile, that I love to swoon over.

Only if he knew how he stabbed my brittle heart into zillions of pieces with that smile and that damn line.

I wish he knew!

I turned to the other side and tightly gripped on my saree, crumbling it as I bit on my lips to stop the tears threatening to rush out rigorously. I wiped my tears with the sleeve of my  blouse as my shoulders continued to shake and I silently consoled my heart taking deep breaths.

You are stronger than this, Neha.

"Neha." I heard him calling for me. I looked everywhere except him.

The smile on his face faltered as he came towards me. He rested his palms on both of my shoulders, but as he was about to say something we heard a familiar voice.

"Surfraaz Bhai."

It was Aisha. She was walking with the support of a stick. He immediately left me and went for her aid.

"I denied you so many times to not walk much." He said in a stern voice.

"What happened to her?" Maa's worried voice, came to my ears. Soon, all of us were rounding around Aisha's bed as she sat on it, inclined to the upright pillow against the headrest.

"Maa, Bhai, I am alright. I was just shot during a mission." She answered, while I saw Raaz rolling his eyes at her.

"You just got shot, isn't it?" He asked, while she pouted.

"Even if there would've been a point-size difference in the gun hit area, we would've lost you. Do you understand the gravity of the case?" He yelled at her in a bit raised tone.

Aisha just kept pouting and flaunting her puppy dog eyes. She stood up and dashed into him.

"I love you, bhai. Sorry, I will be careful the next time." She mumbled and held him tight in the hug.

"Keep this line by-heart, kiddo." Viraj spoke sweetly and Raaz too nodded.

Maa too included herself in the hug and the trio hugged. She also dragged me into the family hug. It felt so beautiful.

We were released from the hug and were about to walk to our respective rooms. All dispersed, but Aisha asked Raaz to stay back.

I walked a little slowly to listen, what she has to say.

"Do you remember, what today is?" I heard her ask.

"No, what's the date?"

"Today is 2nd December, Arjun Bhaiya's birthday." I stopped on my tracks as I saw Raaz's expressions going blank. It literally gave away nothing.

Without saying a single word, he just held onto the pillar.

"How could I-" He whispered as turned hastily and rushed to the direction, where our vehicles are parked in the backyard.

His tensed body and stoned expressions were something I had never witnessed. It was as if seeing a different shade of him, a latent part of him, which he has been toiling to veil from the world under that mask of serendipity.

He seemed like a mystery all of a sudden.

I saw his car being drove out of the house boundaries and probably, that was the last time I saw him on that day, leaving me all alone to tussle and sail through the umpteenth questions in a sea called our relationship. The love blooming in my heart like an endless rain, while his emotions seemed as though those frequent lightning, sometimes on and sometimes off.

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Hey peeps,

Here's the update. How is it?

Basically, how's life treating you ?

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This chapter is dedicated to my soul sister, best busddy and the most wonderful girl, I have ever came across infiniteflames_99 . My sweetiepie ❤️

Stay safe, take care and keep smiling. <3

See you soon. Till then, bye bye :)

Love,
Biswa❤️