AMELIA

Unlike the other time, I don't drive to New Jersey. The flight was a few hours long but compared to having to take the night off at motels, and all, this feels like the best option. I arrive in New Jersey in the early evening of Saturday, grab my bag and my luggage, and push them to get a cab.

My family thinks I'm coming on Monday, that's why I haven't asked for a ride, let it be a surprise for mom mostly.

When my things are loaded in the cab, we head to the address I gave the man.

Three months feel like a long time. The more we approach home, the more nostalgic I get. While in the rear, staring outside through the window at the snow falling on the sidewalks. It reminds me of so much different from Portland, I wish Cam was here to see it. He's never traveled, he says, except for LA where he recently started training. I remember Myles said something about a promo tour in February, perhaps then Cameron could see the world. But I got him a ticket to come with me to New Jersey because I wanted him to have his first experience with me.

Feeling the lump in my throat, I search through my bag for my phone and dial Cam's phone again, which I left on that island, along with some things I wanted him to find when hopefully he returns home.

As soon as I am sent to voicemail, I know he hasn't gotten home to have possession of his phone. A part of me within the past few days has been convinced it was my presence at the house that was holding him back from returning, so I left earlier, optimistic that wherever he was, he'd finally come home for a warmer and better holiday season. But now I am beginning to think Myles' people missed him, I am beginning to fear he had to fly out of the country to Harper and that means trouble.

"Hey, Cam! This is probably the hundredth voicemail I am leaving for you if not over. I am on my way home, you should see New Jersey, it's so beautiful. I think it's going to be a white Christmas this year. I've always loved the holiday spirit since I was little, it doesn't matter that my father left, we still enjoyed it. He wasn't very likable in the house since he made that cowardly move but still, we'd make him a chair on the table, and we'd be a full family once every year. This is the first time in my entire life I am having a dreary and despondent holiday. New Jersey is good, but it feels weird because in my head for weeks now, I had planned on coming here with you. It is okay though, all I hope is that you are taking good care of yourself and you are not doing anything you will regret. Please do not do anything you will regret. Stay in Portland Cam, do not chase trouble. I am sure with time, it will be easier to figure out a way to bring back your sister. But have patience, it is the best compass you need right now. So yeah!..." I pause as I spot our five-floor apartment building, "I will get off by that building," I point for the driver and he nods in the rearview mirror. "Alright, Cam, talk to you later," I say and end the call, making sure I don't leave anything that I own on the seat before I get off.

I use the elevator because we live on the highest level, so that is what I mean by we have a clear view of New York even from my bedroom window.

At the door, while holding the key, I resort to knocking, it will be more surprising for Mom to find me outside her door than just unlocking it myself.

With a few knocks, the door opens, and it is she who attends to it. She has her best mom's apron on and is taking off her mittens, although not attentive because she's looking back into the house, talking about lamp ribs to Anthony, I guess.

My smile stays steady waiting for her to notice me.

"Okay, what do we have..." She starts, finally turning her head to see who is at the door. And she sees me.

"Oh my goodness, darling," she gasps.

"Who's it?" Anthony asks from inside while Mom pulls me into a hug.

"My babies are starting to come home," she yells, telling him, and after a few moments, while still in her embrace, Anthony appears.

"Welcome home, Amy." The man nervously smiles, and instead goes for my luggage, moving it in.

"I am making good juicy lamb ribs, you will love it. Come in." She excitedly says, pulling me in.

The house is where I grew up. It's filled with pictures of me and Carl growing up, and a lot of memories are being boasted here. In my room, there are a lot of trophies I've earned from running tracks in middle school to high school and some trophies from a few debate competitions that I also earned in high school. The ambiance of the house feels warm. It's home, filled with the aroma of homemade food, mom's favorite spices, and the scent of her favorite laundry detergents, which I can feel on my fresh sheets as I lay on them. It should be comforting as it used to be, but I can't sleep. I have discomfort in my chest and head, and I know it's guilt that's tormenting me.

It's past midnight. I just got off the call with Isaac to know how he is and to let him know I have landed. He drove us to the airport, as he was also flying back to Atlanta to his family. And given we still have the same time, it makes it even easier

Lying here, I check Harper's IG, and for the first time, I can't find it. It has disappeared from my messages and searches. My easiest guess is that the Clarkes made her deactivate it.

I barely had a sleep since then. I see 3 am, I see 5 am, and now it's 7 am when my phone alarm, which I forgot to turn off, goes off, waking me up from the short sleep I had.

There is the scent of freshly baked mixed berries bread wafting in the air. Mom liked to wake up early and make some for us when we were little and sad. It always gets our spirits back up. I get out of bed, ready to brush my teeth and have the bread while it's still warm. But in the bathroom, in my PJ, staring at the mirror, I wonder if she noticed anything about my mood last night at dinner, even though I tried the best I could to conceal any physical behavior that could hint at my heartache.

Before I leave for the kitchen, I have to check my phone. There is nothing back from Cameron, that once more adds to my mental ache, but I suppress it and act like I am enjoying the best time of my life, and Mom is so happy the whole day.