I just want to make a serious chapter for once, alright? And before I begin anything, I'd like to apologize first. I'm sorry if I offend you or upset you in some way. I'm just expressing what's on my mind because I'm not able to do that as often as I want.

Anyways

Here I go.

---

To be honest, I don't know where to begin. Like a lot of people, I feel out of place. But for me, I feel like it's worse. Like ever since I was little, I was always invisible towards others, unless I did something wrong.

I don't know why though. It was probably my looks. Back then, I used to look like Dora the explorer with bucked teeth but without the olive toned skin. I was hideous. That's probably why I was always the last kid to be picked for groups and I still kinda am till this day 

I had one close friend. Two actually, but she kinda...abused me. But the close friend one...well...she was amazing. We would always hang out after school and we had sleepovers too. But...in third grade, that right was taken away from me. When she slept over my house after her birthday party, we fooled around a bit. Let's just sum things up and I duct taped a piece of paper to my basement wall and when my dad told us to clean up the basement, she ripped it and the paint came off the wall in that area. My parents blamed her and they kinda hate her but I'm not 100% sure. But in the end, it's kinda my fault. I put the paper there in the first place so I should've gotten the blame.

Anyways, after that she would always ask to hang out, but I would say "sorry I'm kinda busy" or "I'll think about it ahah"

But I was afraid

Of my parents

What would they say if I brought the person who "ruined" the basement to my house?

They probably don't want me being friends with her anymore

She would constantly ask and I would refuse

I felt guilty

And I still do

Because now we barely talk to each other anymore.

She sits with me at lunch sometimes

But we don't talk that much

I feel like she ignores me because of how I acted when I was younger

I lied to the only friend I had

We could've been closer

But now we can't

She has her friends

I have mine

But she's friends with my friends

And I'm kinda friends with her friends???

But what I'm trying to say is, when you have the opportunity to hang out with someone, do it. No matter who they are. You don't know what the outcomes would be. That person may become the most important person ever; the most trustworthy person you could ever find. The one who will listen to your problems and not change the topic before you even finish.

----

In fifth grade I had a friend. We'll call her A. (No PLL reference. Just that her name started with an a but I'm not gonna say her real name)

A and I were never that close until that year. But...she was one of those friends who you would call a toxic friend. Remember my friend I just talked about? Well now I know how it's like to be in her shoes. I would constantly ask A to hang out with her, but she would always say "oh I'll have to ask my dad".

But she never did.

Back then, and still to this day, I was known as "The Last Resort". Just imagine your best friend was already chosen for a project and you had one person left who was somewhat considered your friend, but you either didn't like them that much or you just didn't know them too well.

I was that person

And I still feel like I am one still to this day.

People would always go for their friends but then there's me...the odd one out. When I know there's an odd number of friends in a class, I start to panic because I know that I will never be chosen. I'm just not interesting. I'm just boring. Useless. A waste of time. Someone who wants attention, but will never obtain it.

Am I too clingy?

It's possible that A disliked me for being "too clingy". But I had no one else.

Again with the girl I talked about before.

Yeah.

In fifth grade

It was either her group or A's group

Friendship VS popularity

And I chose popularity

----

By now, all of you know I'm Greek right? Well, to some people, they're fascinated by it. They ask me questions about it and it makes me happy knowing that there's someone out there that wants to know more about my culture.

But then there's other people who just don't care.

I'll talk about Greece, but they'll completely ignore me. In the end, I'm talking to a wall. But at least the wall acknowledges me more than that person.

In first grade, I decided to bring these Greek cookies to class. The teacher was okay with it because that was before America was like "NOOO JUNK FOOD FOR KIDS!!! EVERYONE IS GETTING FAT!!!" Shut up America we need food.

Anyways, back then I was totally okay with talking out loud. I used to raise my hand a lot and I was never shy, unless it was talking to a complete stranger or if I didn't know the answer.

So, when the entire class sat on the rug, I stood up and explained the best I could about the cookies. I said that my grandparents got them from Greece, however I didn't know what they were called because the name was in Greek and I was still learning how to read Greek. After I handed a cookie to everyone, the kids ate it.

And when I was putting the rest of the cookies back into my bag, a bunch of kids walked up to me and told me that it tasted like paint.

At that moment, I lost all of my confidence, which still affects me to this day. And I became insecure. Before I was to ever do anything, I would think about how it may result in the future; how other kids would react to it.

So I haven't given anything related to Greek food, except recently when I gave my friends some Greek chocolate. I mean, they liked it. Hopefully they did.

Also...those cookies. Yeah I haven't eaten one since that day.

And for your information, they don't taste like paint. And how do you even know what paint tastes like?? Were these kids seriously eating paint when they were younger??? Wtf???

----

When you look at me, what do you think? A girl who's constantly smiling and has no fault in her life? Someone who wears dresses and vibrant or pastel bows in her hair?

Well...that's all false.

Sure I smile, but most of the time it's forced.

What people don't know is that...I cry everyday.

I cry because of the mistakes I make.

I cry because of my past

And I cry because of the future

I overthink things sometimes

I overthink the concept of death.

Yes

My biggest fear

Death

And you may be thinking

"But don't you always say 'I wanna die'?"

Well, you're right.

But there's a meaning to it

And it's pretty deep

I say it because I'd rather die than have everyone who I love so much die.

My family, strangers, enemies, and especially

My friends

I'm honestly willing to sacrifice my own life so I won't suffer from watching someone die in front of me. And even if they aren't in front of me, I still suffer because of others sufferings.

I don't like seeing others cry

Because it's sad and I'll start crying

And I hate it when people see me cry

But sometimes in life I want to cry in front of someone

I've already tried with my family and they completely ignored me for it

So who's next?

Who's willing to be the person I lean on?

Who's willing to be the person I need moral support from?

The person who will always be there for me when I decide to break from my outer shell and release all of the pain that's welled up inside?

----

"Why don't you talk to us anymore?"

"Why are you ignoring me?"

"Speak to someone when you're spoken to!"

Honestly, this pisses me off. I'm only gonna say this once, okay?

When I don't talk to someone, I have nothing to say.

Don't just assume I'm ignoring you because I'm not.

I feel like your ignoring me!

When someone doesn't talk to me or text me it makes me feel like I've done something wrong.

It stresses me out

It worries me

It just makes me feel...angry

Don't expect me to start conversations with you all the time.

And when I do, and you don't respond, it just makes me feel like im a waste of your time.

If you don't want to talk to me, just say it to me right in my face

Don't assume I can read minds

Although, sometimes I have been able to, but that's just pure coincidence.

---

I'm a lonely person. I have two younger siblings who tend to slam the door on my way when I walk by their rooms. My parents say I should lose weight or just stay out of their way

But before I say something else, let me tell you all this.

I used to weigh 123 pounds

Now I weigh 114-117 pounds

And still my parents tell me to lose weight

But anyways, I'm always locked in my room

Bored, yet paranoid and anxious.

I want to talk to the only people in my life that truly make me happy

But I'm afraid my parents will barge in and check my phone.

They don't understand this is America

I have the right to my own privacy and no one can interfere with it without a permit

Meaning my family cannot check through my phone without my permission

But they do it anyways.

They haven't though since January

Let's just hope it doesn't happen again.

I almost got exposed two weeks ago, but I somehow managed to get my phone back.

God, it gave me a heart attack

If my dad turned on my phone and saw my messages

Off goes my head!1!1!1!1!

----

A small tree stood so high and mighty

But as the days flew by

The tree began to dry

And wither away from its past

Waiting for the day it would be harassed

Suddenly it yelled, "I've had enough"

However, it wasn't that tough

Little by little, it's green leaves fell

Not even turning different colors as if it was a spell

The other trees began to laugh

Not able to be in a photograph

And finally it was done

The pain but not the shun

And to think it's such a bummer

That this all took place during the summer

-Nicoletta