Lately I've been feeling a bit...less excited for Halloween. This holiday is my favorite. Sure, I love Christmas and Easter mainly because of the food and how I get to give people gifts, but this holiday truly speaks to me. It's the one day of the year where I can be myself and not be embarrassed. Well...sometimes.

In 6th grade I wanted to dress up as

Bear with me

Serena from Pokémon XY. Yeah, that loser. I hate her soooooo much. She's really annoying and I question why I wanted to be her.

Anyways, I forget what the costume looked like but I made it myself..

I had a fedora

Yeah....

I looked terrible in one

The only two people (well ones a thing but whatever) that can rock a fedora is Patrick Stump and Perry the Platypus.

And I also carried around a messaged bag with a homemade pokedex and pokeballs made out of play doh

I also brought my fennekin plush—

Wait no

I didn't have a fennekin plush

I remember I got it at great wolf lodge in 6th grade.

Okay so I probably carried around a pikachu

And I went with my friend and I think she dressed up as someone from homestuck? I forget it's been years.

Her costume was amazing and mine was trash.

People might've been questioning me but hey...I probably get that everyday.

Anyways...worst Halloween ever. The only good thing I got out of it was going trick or treating for the first time with a friend.

Yeah I didn't have many friends in elementary school and I was afraid to ask people. Or it just never came across my mind. Either way, that was my first year going trick or treating with someone other than a family member.

The next year was when I went to a Halloween party. I was a pirate I think???

Yeah

I watched a full horror movie for the first time.

Well it was one of those horror movies that try their best to be scary but like...adding ghosts and a bunch of spiders isn't really gonna scare anyone. Especially me.

So that was my 7th grade Halloween

8th grade, however, was terrible. I forget why but I was really depressed. Like...beyond what I have now.

I think it started when I was at my schools Halloween dance. I had friends their but they hung out with their other friends. So it was just me most of the time. Alone. As a black cat.

I didn't go trick or treating that year. I stayed home alone with my mom, watching 16 candles I think. Idk. I was watching a movie.

And when I wasn't with her, I was crying...I think. Because I was alone and I feared that no one wanted to do anything with me.

Is it bad that I still have these thoughts today?

Anyways, back to why I don't feel that excited for Halloween. Like I'm being keith?? I should be happy!!

But I'm not

And that's because I fear that I won't go trick or treating again. I'm afraid that everyone will turn me down and say they don't want to go, but I can't tell that they're lying. I know when people lie, even though text sometimes. It's not that hard actually.

Idk I just feel like I don't fit in sometimes. Like I was really excited this year. Now, I just sit in my room everyday it grows nearer and think "I'm gonna be alone again....I know it. I wasted almost $100 for nothing...."

And then my parents will yell at me for not going trick or treating. I wasted money for nothing. But how do I tell them no one wants to go trick or treating with me?

I've said things similar to that before many times within the past few weeks. They say I shouldn't ask to do stuff with anyone anymore and have others ask me.

But I can't do that

It's just not me

But yeah

That's the reason why

Hopefully I'm just jumping to conclusions.

I really want to go out for Halloween with at least one person. I can't afford to stay home again and do nothing. Well...I can study for a bio test but nah. I'll do it throughout this week. I'm sure it's gonna be easy because bio is one of the only things I actually pay attention in.

-Nikki