I..hate you. You know?

hate you because I know, and I also dont know what you did. I hate that the things I saw, what you made me do, I cant say. I cant say it because it hurts, and I can't say it because no one will believe me. I hate the rage. And insecurity and creativity. I hate that you built up my own mind to fortify it with all your sadistic thoughts. I hate that you took what was supposed to be a child and mottled her mind into an ungodly, organized cryptic mess. I hate the structure. I hate that you made people expressly to make them suffer. That you took the ones I had made and turned them into groveling, sniveling, growling, snarling, and drooling beasts.

You made me inhuman. And took pleasure in that. You made me blind to it all and made it so easy for me to pretend. Took my body from me. And I still haven't retrieved it. You made me hate myself. My selves. And when I didnt hate myself you made one that would. When I didnt hurt myself, you made someone who would. You put demons and shadows in my mind that haunt me every day. You took my bones and broke them so I couldn't walk. You took my eyes so that in a twisted revival you could remind me of all these things when I begged for them back. You.

I hate you and I dont even know you. I thought I did. But I truly dont. And you made it that way. You locked me in darkness so that all I saw was my own horrendous reflection and you held my hands and feet and held my head underwater so I would forget my name. You played every  GODDAMN GAME you could think of. Like a God I would pray to and beg for forgiveness. Like a spiteful hell beast, I feared and answered to. You made rules in my mind that I still dont know. And STILL cant break.

My body is not my own. My mind is not my own. And you are the blame. You are disdainful. A wretched creature of the night. The kind that lures children into darkness with candies. And God. GOD I fell for it.

And now look at me. It's been years...and the stench of you still surrounding me. The ache of you still inside me. And what have I left? Some godforsaken concept of love? Still now I wretch at the thought. Still now I am haunted by your control and you are nowhere near me.

I was in your control after you had gone. So much so that a glimpse of normalcy knocks me off my feet. So much so that I was deranged. That i fell into traps. And what am i now?

I am scared. I am just as scared as I was at 7 years old. JUST AS SCARED. I am so afraid now because I am your legacy. I am only you now. All my memories revolve around you and I will always have them. I will always fear them.  I will always ALWAYS know that what I so intrinsically am. Is your abomination. And I will always have to live with that. No matter what happy day I have. What great things happen, you will always be there, because I am the scar you made on me. And my existence is so tied to you that..that I DONT EVEN KNOW what it is to be whole.

I RELISH in the thought of it. Of being regular. Look at me. LOOK AT ME NOW BECAUSE I WILL ALWAYS BE THE REMINDER THAT YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON. You cant even hear me...you cant even read this...you aren't even here to feel the unbridled rage I hold for you..only I can. I am the only one who can hate you. And know that I hate you..what does it even matter if you have no idea? How much you have crippled me. After all...I am only a beast in your eyes.