"Fucking fucktardery," Luca muttered irritably into the dregs of a pint. Despite the numerous awards this particular bar had won in its sixty years operating in the Sea of Tranquility on Luna, Luca was barely able to taste the liquid he was currently taking as medication.

It was only his first, though they had been in this bar for quite some time. At Luca's feet, an old sign reading 'Tranquility's Wet Hole' lay in pieces. Alcuard had spent a few minutes rearranging the pieces and had managed to make "neaTly Wettish liquor', which impressed the new owner and bartender enough that he was still considering making it the establishment's new name.

Their conversation was accompanied by the quiet drone of construction work, as a crew of people who looked conspicuously like former mercenaries were slowly building new walls. Rubble was strewn in a wide path around the foundations of the building, and little was standing inside except for a half-dozen stools, a bar, and a now copiously well stocked collection of ales.

"Frankly, it's a little weird this didn't happen earlier," Isabella said, and she clapped him on the back hard enough to shake him out of his reprieve. "You are the sole controller of portal technology. That's scarier than having thermonuclear armed dreadnoughts in orbit or a mass accelerator on the moon capable of flinging rocks at Earth. Why shouldn't you be making decisions about world security?"

"Because I'm terrible at it," Luca said, and he gestured with his empty mug towards the bartender. "Let's try a sour IPA this time, see if that kicks my funk."

Isabella set a mug down beside his. "Enough ale, give me rum!"

"You're really taking this pirate thing seriously," the barkeep, Lanval, replied with a wry grin as he took Luca's glass first.

"Hey, why are you serving him first?" Isabella asked.

"Besides the fact that he asked first? Odds are you're going to make him pay," Lanval said.

"Wait, you pay for drinks at bars?" Isabella asked. "I thought barkeeps just handed you pints and then showed you some guy who wanted to sleep with you."

Luca was glad he wasn't drinking anything, as he might have choked on it.

"Well, consider me an enlightened man, Miss Bonny," Lanval said, as he finished pouring Luca's drink. "I won't accept Luca's money to pay for your drinks tonight."

"Now let's not go that far," Isabella pleaded. "I'm technically unemployed, and I have a ship to care for. They're expensive and super high-maintenance."

"In that they actually need maintenance. I know, I've owned a few," Lanval commiserated as he set Isabella's rum on the counter. "And unlike Luca here I actually had to think about budgets, ongoing expenses, and the ammunition cost of a job."

"Hey! I think about budgets," Luca protested.

"I just ran your credit limit. It came back with the infinity symbol. I ran it again, it showed me 1/0. A third time it printed a document saying 'unless you're selling him a planet, yes he can afford it. Now fuck off'," Lanval said drily. "And this is even after the recent news report saying that your stock dropped by 99.99999%."

"Yeah, I know. I'm the one who set up the short-sell scheme. Made a fortune that I'm not allowed brag about, because I'm a lowly fucking billionaire now," Luca cursed. "It's degrading. Billionaires are disgusting, just look at what they get up to on Wattpad."

"I'm not sure about Wattpad," Lanval mused as he dried a glass with a towel. "I had started 'There are many Flowers in Tokyo', but the author never talks about what kind of flowers they are. Another one called 'Local Flavour' didn't have a single recipe, 'Dirty Lying Faeries' had faeries that were mostly honest, and 'The Heir and The General' had an heiress and someone who probably should only have been a major."

"They did ratify your status as Lord of the Martian Dominion," Alcuard noted. "You're on the UN Security Council, and the short-sell scheme fully recovered the costs of bribing our current barkeep."

"On that subject, Lanval would you pour that bag over there into a glass?"

"I don't do box wine," Lanval replied. "I'm trying to run a reputable establishment."

"That's 'o' negative blood," Luca said, and he grinned as he pouted at Alcuard. "A donation from a small club of new fans, who saw you on the web and went absolutely nuts. When the corporation contacted them to ask if they wanted to do anything to let you know they exist, they asked if they could donate blood."

"Wait, I have a fan club? For what?" Alcuard asked.

"Our duel on the wings of the Red Baron," Luca said. "It picked up a bit of a cult following. Anyway, we're celebrating your new job, and it isn't a toast unless you have something you can drink."

Alcuard took the glass from Lanval, and held it in the air warily. "What job?"

"My ambassador to the United Nations."

"You haven't offered this to Viviana?"

"Oh heck no," Viviana announced, stepping between some of the workers. "I'm too busy, and he knows it. Besides, I'd plot to take over the world on his behalf."

"And might succeed. So she can't have the job. But you, my friend, understand the value of peace. I'm pretty sure you'll be perfect," Luca said. "I'll need you to help keep the world from tearing itself apart, spank misbehaving nations if it needs to happen, and generally keep them from killing each other. That way, the people who matter can keep to the quiet work of making life better."

"I," Alcuard said solemnly, as he stared at the cup in his hand. "I'd be honoured. I accept."

"Wow. He didn't even wait to hear what you were paying him," Isabella said.

"Oh, he's working pro-bono," Luca said, knowing what would come next.

"You have adorable delusions, you skeezy billionaire," Alcuard said.

"Stuff it, you stripper-glitter chrysalis," Luca retorted.

"Go chase a stick."

"Get a tan."

"You do need to settle on a wage," Viviana said smoothly, though she was smiling like she'd be happy to let the verbal battle continue.

"I'll take sixty-eight percent of what he pays you," Alcuard said.

"Fair," Luca said, and he spat on his palm and extended his hand. Surprisingly, Alcuard didn't hesitate to spit in his hand and shake Luca's.

"Oh, boss, another wrinkle in the nation-planet lordship thing. Because you signed on to the UN, you're bound by international agreements to take on refugees. I already have two claims that are pretty ironclad, one weird issue I'll talk to you about later, and about a dozen more I might be able to wiggle out of."

"Refugees? You mean I might have to share my planet?"

"I've already sequestered one of the small continents, with an auto-portal protocol that drops people in northern Manitoba if they get too close. You should be able to spend every full moon in peace from here on out."

"Nicely done, darling," Luca said. He raised his glass. "To Alcuard, in his new role bullying nations into doing the right goddam thing once in a while!"

The others cheered and raised their glasses. Lanval was quick with producing a pint of amber ale for Viviana. They drank, and cheered again before setting their drinks down on the counter.

"Vi, why don't you get Alcuard briefed on the intelligence and resources he'll have access to for his job. Let's get a head-start before they start trying to involve him in their schemes," Luca said.

Alcuard finished his glass, stood up, and nodded politely to Lanval. "I suspect I might have work for you, if you find bartending a little tame."

"Duly noted. Much obliged," Lanval said as he took Alcuard's cup off the bar. "And I'm glad things worked out as well as they did. I don't think I'd enjoy being your enemy."

"Nor I," Alcuard agreed. "Isabella, BIRD would call it a bad metaphor for character development, but I suspect your blood tastes far better than it would have when we first met. Don't let the mangy mutt rope you into anything without reading the fine print. Billionaires are cads, after all, and very fond of bondage."

"Go suck a tomato," Luca said.

Alcuard didn't respond, instead following Viviana past the working mercenaries, around the rubble, and into the street.

Isabella, meanwhile, slid over next to Luca and wrapped her arm around his waist. "So, now that you've won the day, aren't you going to get the girl?"

Luca sighed, and laughed uncomfortably. "Yeah, we need to talk."

"Wait, you're about to tell me something I really don't want to hear, aren't you," Isabella said accusingly.

"Let me Venn Diagram this for you," Luca said, and he took a napkin and set it on the table between them. He took a pen from the counter that Lanval had been using for inventory, and drew two circles next to each other.

"You've just drawn a pair of boobs," Isabella remarked as she looked at the napkin.

Luca frowned and looked at it. "Is it weird that you're the one who sees boobs on that?"

"I see boobs," Lanval remarked as he passed by.

"Okay, the circle on the left is all the women I'll sleep with," Luca said as he wrote on the left circle. He moved to the other circle, and wrote Isabella's name.

"What?" Isabella asked, and Luca would hear the rage beginning to build even in that short word.

"Problem is I like you too much," Luca explained. He sighed ruefully and scratched at the back of his head. "It's a weird thing to say, but part of my job is maintaining this image of an unattached, good looking bachelor that women can dream about marrying. Or kidnapping. Or whatever you're into. That image is a surprisingly important part of Cardego Corp's valuation on the public markets."

"Like how much?" Isabella asked.

"If I got married it would tank the world's economy and put Earth in a financial depression so severe it could take half a century and a world war to dig our way back out. Viviana runs the simulations every year on the anniversary of the day I hired her," Luca said.

"Why does she run that simulation?" Isabella asked, and surprisingly, there was a knowing smile on her face. "Shit, you're promised to her. Or some sort of idiot trillionaire version of a love separated by circumstance."

"You're right, I'd have married her years ago if I could have," Luca admitted. "But I can't, and she understands it."

"You play the field, though. Does she?"

"She does. What kind of cad would I be if I expected her to be chaste and celibate while I frolicked through the fields? I'm not Odysseus. And it's fine for us, unless we get attached. Which hasn't been an issue for any woman I've met since, until you."

"Holy shit, I'm being friend-zoned," Isabella muttered as she held the heavy glass mug in her hands. She scowled, likely mulling over drinking the rum inside, or hurling the glass at something.

"Yeah, that's a fair way to put it," Luca admitted. "Any sex I had with you wouldn't be casual. I like you way too much for that."

"Fucktardery, I might be the first woman in the history of the verse scorned for being liked too much," Isabella cursed. "Not that I was at all willing to settle down, but I was looking forward to trying to disentangle myself from you and those magnificent abs of yours."

"Well, I have a different way to entangle you," Luca said, and he opened a small portal in the air to his left. He reached his hand through, grabbed a piece of paper, and set it down on the bar.

"What is that?" Isabella asked.

Luca looked down at the thick paper, old cloth-press stuff written with a calligraphic script with his own signature on the bottom. "It's a Letter of Marque."

"Same question. What is that?" Isabella asked again.

"How do you know nothing about pirating history? A Letter of Marque was issued by a sponsoring nation to a private ship of war to capture ships and raid enemy strongholds. It basically legalized piracy for the holder, so long as they left the sponsoring nation's interests alone and cut the crown in on a share of the bounty."

"Wait, you issued this?" Isabella asked.

"Mars is an independent nation now, and I need a way to catch smugglers and overzealous scouting ships. So I thought I'd offer you and Nightmare the job first. It's an ongoing contract where I pay you a set amount yearly, cover armaments and maintenance, and supply portal transportation. In exchange, you make sure Mars is a terrifying place to travel if you haven't been cleared," Luca explained. "You'll even get to keep the ships you capture as prizes."

"How much are you offering me?" Isabella asked.

"More than I'm paying Alcuard," Luca said.

"Sold! Well, if I can't have those abs, your money is a close second," Isabella said, as she spat in her hand and shook his. She frowned, looked at him for a long moment, and eventually nodded her head. "Thanks for being honest with me. I'll be bitter for a little while, but it's nothing to stop me from being your friend. You get in a jam, call me."

"Thanks," Luca said. "You've been a bloody miracle in my life so far. I'd hate to not have you in it."

Luca reached into his pocket, and took out his wallet. He set a single, black card on the table, and slid it over to Lanval. "To sweeten the breakup a bit, Izzy here gets to throw a party in your bar, starting now. Bill me for the drinks, glasses, concussions broken windows, and whatever else happens tonight."

"But we've barely got the walls up!" Lanval exclaimed. "Free booze and a hot space pirate will get this entire area demolished, and who knows how many people arrested! It's going to set me back half a year!"

But Lanval's former mercenary company, now his construction crew, showed their true loyalties as soon as they heard 'free drinks'. They took to the streets like town criers, shouting into alleyways and malls alike, "Free booze at the unfinished bar! Free drinks, courtesy of Luca Cardego!"

Luca gave Isabella a wave and left just as the crowd began to trickle in. Isabella was already on the other side of the bar, handing out drinks and welcoming people with the unique cheer of someone who didn't have to pay for their generosity.

As Luca walked away and into the street, a small metallic bird fluttered over his head a moment, then landed on his shoulder.

"I didn't think I'd see you again so soon, birdbrain," Luca said.

"The last piece of this nonsense narrative was seeing how long it would be until the steamy moment when you and the pirate consulate your budding affections. But you're leaving just as the party's starting, and I'm really confused," BIRD admitted.

"Yeah, I told her it was never going to happen, and offered her a job. She's celebrating right now," Luca said, pointing back at the bar. Impressively, someone had already set up large speakers and a sound system.

"What? You made people wait through fifty chapters and then friend-zoned the pining maiden?" BIRD asked, astonished. "What the hell?"

"It's called being a grownup with principles," Luca said. "And caring about other people's feelings enough to be honest with them."

"I'm beginning to worry that I'm completely off-base about being in a story. Especially since I can't see where the narrative is going from here," BIRD said.

"You're looking in the wrong places," Luca said. "There are more stories out there than mine. Heck, I have a group looking to set up a steampunk commune on Alcuard's floating island. The world's an interesting place, BIRD, and if you're looking for an interesting tale you'll find it out there, sooner or later."

"We'll settle this eventually, Luca," BIRD said.

"You know where to find me," Luca replied, before he pulled out his portal device and the world vanished.

It took a moment for his eyes to adjust, but after a few more moments he could see the dim light of the stars from the dome of his captain's cabin, aboard his yacht. Looking straight up he could see the moon passing in front of Earth, the faint glow of the lunar colonies gleaming in the dark. It took only a moment for his eyes to pick out one dot among the billions of lights in the night sky.

Luca poured himself a drink and sat back in his leather chair, as he floated above worlds and surveyed his domain.

Luca smiled, as satisfied with life as he had ever been.

"Mine."