There are a lot of women out there who dream of what just happened to me. They dream of being accosted in the dark, and being claimed by a vampire. Of being the object and subject of passions that overwhelm reason as a rich, well-manicured creature of the night satisfies themselves.

They're obviously batshit crazy.

Admittedly, I did enjoy it. But only because the moment that pasty shit broke my skin and had my blood in his mouth, Jacoby Edwardo started convulsing like he had just won a billion dollars. His legs gave out, he thrashed limply on the street for just long enough that I could enjoy the sight, mouthed something suitably morose for a pasty emo hipster, and died.

"I did warn you," I said. For emphasis, I gave the dead fool's ribs a good kick, only to see his body give like I had just kicked a pillow. A puff of glitter shot into the air, and all that was left of Edwardo Jacoby or whatever he was called, was the designer jeans with the strategic rip, and the t-shirt likely made in a sweatshop billionaires keep for the sake of 21st-century nostalgia.

"Did he just turn into glitter?" One of the mercenaries asked. As she asked the question, she sprayed something on my neck and then applied some gauze.

"Well, I guess vampires do sparkle in daylight," I replied.

The other mercenary crouched down and put his finger into Jacoby Edwardo's now glittery remains. "Wow. That's actually body glitter. Like the stuff they use in strip clubs."

"And how would you know that?" The first mercenary asked.

"Because I had to wash your uniform when I had laundry detail," the other one remarked. He looked up at me from the glitter-corpse and said, "Go on back to the others."

I didn't need to be told twice. Other vampires had already begun to gather around the pile of body glitter, and more than a few of them looked like they were willing to slice me open. I hurried back to the others, just in time to see Alcuard take something that BIRD was holding in one foot.

It was a five-dollar bill. Alcuard pocketed it, and took another from Luca.

"So, I'm loving the chivalry and grandeur in this corner," I chided them. "Vi's totally off the hook, except for the fact that she came down in a Mech suit but didn't bring any guns. But neither of you supernatural creatures even lifted a finger to save me!"

"You weren't in any danger," Alcuard replied calmly. "If you were a virgin, that would have been different."

"Oh, so because I've been defiled I'm not worth it?" I scathed indignantly. I wasn't actually angry at the time. If Alcuard knew I'd be fine, the smart move really was to let it play out and get that appallingly named vampire killed off.

Alcuard at least had the decency to look sheepish, but Luca's smug grin was apparently impervious to any sort of self-reflection. "Izzy," Luca said. "Do you really doubt we'd be there to help you if you needed it?"

I sighed, annoyed that he went ahead and forestalled my indignation. "No," I admitted. "But you still didn't save me because I wasn't a virgin. I want that on the record."

"Looked at another way, your love life is too decadent for vampirism. The surest sign of being a real woman," Alcuard said.

"Ooh, that wasn't bad," Viviana said.

"Yeah, that was a pretty good line," I agreed.

"But how did you know Jacoby Edwardo would quote twilight in his death throes?" BIRD asked.

"I asked myself what would disappoint me most," Alcuard admitted.

"So BIRD," I asked the little robot. "Had your fill of ruining lives yet? Or do you need to cut Luca open and read his guts like tea leaves?"

"I have a feeling I'd break my beak trying to cut through his abs. And it would be played for laughs," BIRD remarked. "But I've learned a lot. That last moment, in particular, was extremely informative. But to test that, I need to let this play out and see if I win."

"You mean by endangering the entire solar system and everyone in it by giving those morons the secret to antigravity, or whatever is making this city fly?" Viviana asked in response. She turned to Luca and asked, "What is making this city fly, anyway?"

"Something called an Unobtanium Stone," Luca said,

"What?" BIRD and Viviana both asked. They both wore the same gawking expressions, the warring fight between incredulity and disgust.

"It's a blood-red, glowing rock about the size of a softball, and apparently it can do anything. It gave Atlantis vampirism, made their city float, and powered all their technology," Luca summarized quickly.

"My people used it to keep Atlantis in endless midnight, and treated the world below like a lord's hunting grounds, kept pristine to use at their leisure," Alcuard added. "And that is the least of what these fools will do if given that power."

"As if the stakes weren't high enough," Viviana reflected. "We need to keep that thing out of their hands." She stepped up to Luca and took his hand in hers. "If it comes down to it, you need to portal back, grab that infinity - I mean unobtanium - stone, and get out."

"Now hold up a minute," BIRD shook its small head vigorously. "What makes you think they'd be so irresponsible with it? Why would Luca be a better choice?"

Viviana laughed and grinned at BIRD with an expression better suited to putting a knife in someone's back. To my eyes, Viviana looked like she was just about to break BIRD as completely as she could. "BIRD, you can run reality simulations, right? Fairly powerful ones? Find me someone who would be more responsible with portal technology than Luca."

"Pretty sure I could just pick a name at random," BIRD muttered, as it turned its head to ponder. There was silence for a moment, and then another, and another. The silence stretched on, and BIRD's amused smirk was washed away.

"No," BIRD muttered. "No, that can't be. Let's try..."

"You're building filters for choosing people right now. People with histories of good deeds, careers in real public service. You've probably just run that simulation with a hundred-thousand names and all of them ended up doing something appallingly stupid. Did the name Gertrude Yeoman come up yet?" Vivian asked viciously.

BIRD only nodded, hesitantly. Its eyes were open wide, and its wingtips dropped on Luca's shoulder.

"Gertrude Yeoman is a lovely woman who lives in a small village in Nothern Italy. She owns a book shop that caters to four different languages. She makes a small fortune on the stock market and uses all of the earnings to run three animal shelters, a soup kitchen that trains gourmet chefs and extracurricular activities for the town's schoolchildren. She'd be nominated for sainthood if she ever advertised the fact that she's a wonderful human being. And she'd destroy the Earth in six days if she had direct access to portal technology."

"Wow," I said. "But..."

"Calvin Terrence?" Viviana asked BIRD.

"Fire Chief in a town in Newfoundland, Canada. Four children, loving husband, damn good father, has a wicked burn on the side of his head that keeps hair from growing there. Shows it to burn victims and tells them he'll never ask a surgeon to hide it, because he got it saving kids on a burning ship. Portals a school-bus sized black hole into orbit in three days, after he sets off a world war while trying to force everyone to take child poverty more seriously," BIRD said with dismay.

"The wandering bookmaker in Uganda who travels and does creative writing seminars for free?" Viviana asks.

"Nine days before she torches the atmosphere by opening a portal to the surface of the sun," BIRD admits.

"The Mongolian shepherd who uses it as a rehab clinic?"

"Sixteen days before he opens a portal six miles beneath the ground and starts dumping magma on cities. The war that follows renders the Earth uninhabitable."

Viviana smiled and patted BIRD's head in a mocking imitation of sympathy. "How many names have you tried now?"

"14,000,605," BIRD blurted out.

"And how many keep the Earth unharmed for more than a month?"

"One. Thirty-two days before he sells portal tech, and a corporation uses it to try and take over the world. The world is rent apart by a quarter-sized portal that links to the black hole in the centre of the galaxy," BIRD admits.

"I spend about three billion dollars a year running simulations like that," Viviana said. "It's a personal indulgence, because every time I do, I find out that Luca Cardego is the most responsible person in the known universe."

"But, but..." BIRD gibbered, struggling to make words. "How?"

"How is that possible? Beats the burning hell out of me," Viviana admitted. "But somehow, Luca Cardego is the only person alive responsible enough to use the kind of power portals offer."

"That makes no sense!" BIRD exclaimed. "He's literally the last person who ought to have that kind of power! All he does is have low gravity pool parties and plays Russian Roulette with STI's. How is he better with power than anyone else?"

"It's because I'm a werewolf," Luca said carefully, and surprisingly, he looked at me when he said if,

"Now that's nonsense," BIRD scathed.

"No, it makes sense," I interrupted. Something in his gaze made me see and helped me to understand. It made sense, terrifyingly so. "What does Luca wish he could do, more than anything, with his curse?"

"Not hurt anyone," Alcuard said, nodding in understanding. "I see it now."

"He wishes he could do nothing," I said. "He wishes he could take his power and do absolutely nothing with it, to keep it from hurting other people. He's literally lived his entire life being forced to endure the consequences of power. It's like his entire life groomed him to have phenomenal cosmic power."

"I, no, fuck! Just, no, no, no!" BIRD cried, as it fluttered down from Luca's shoulder and landed on the cobbles.

"So we broke BIRD and dusted a vampire. We're still a long way from being out of danger, boss," Viviana said.

"Oh, he has a way out. I saw it," BIRD said. The machine looked up at Luca, and its eyes narrowed. "And I'm starting to see that you are quite a bit cleverer than I gave you credit for."

"Luca! This is the last straw!" Fabulo shouted. He was kneeling beside the glitter that Jacoby Edwardo had turned into, and was covered in the stuff as he stood up. The pale billionaire glittered resplendently in the streetlight. "I don't care what BIRD said, this is the end of you. Adama, kill him!"

I expected Lanval to act instantly. Bullets would fly, tear us to pieces, and that would be the end of us. By the looks of things, that's precisely what Viviana and Alcuard both expected. But BIRD looked indignantly resigned, and Luca had the happy grin of a man the morning after his wedding night.

And Lanval looked as if he had just won the lottery.

"Any last words, Mister Cardego?" Lanval asked, but he didn't raise his rifle.

"I'd like to invoke the Tyrion Lannister Clause," Luca replied.

"Wait, what's the Tear-ion canister clause?" Fabulo asked.

"Fuck you, you hack," BIRD muttered existentially. There was a part of me, I had to admit, that actually agreed with it.