Holy crap this moment was tense. Luca and Alcuard facing off, each of them in possession of planet-ending power, and both of them insisting that it was their way or nothing.

Typical alpha male bullshit.

I mean yes, being able to reflect on it in hindsight, Alcuard probably has severe PTSD about murdering his entire civilization, then waking up and having to do it again. And Luca's weirdly principled for a billionaire playboy. So in some ways, this fight had to happen.

But seriously, alpha male bullshit. Nonsense like this is why women should run the world.

Though, in Luca or Alcuard's position, I might have just shot first and been done with it.

Thankfully Alcuard backed down like he actually possessed the wisdom of a six thousand year old immortal. And immediately ruined that impression by giving the unobtanium to Luca.

"You may not be," Alcuard said with that elegant, slightly Transylvanian accent of his. "But you've proven that I am not."

"So," I said as condescendingly as I could. Now was probably a great time to let these two fools know how silly they were being. "Are you two going to kiss and make up now? Or kiss and make out? I'm good with either."

Alcuard and Luca looked at each other and then back at me. "Well, at least she knows her priorities and sticks with them," Alcuard said condescendingly.

"Engine thrust and abs," Luca added.

"That wasn't..." I sputtered, but decided to leave it rather than defend myself rationally. Reasonable arguments would have fallen on a pair of deaf ears. "Okay then, what do we do about keeping this ultimate power out of the hands of morons like Fabulo? Because if we were going to stand and fight, y'all should've just let me nuke their ship while we were in orbit."

"What did I just say about the nuclear option, Ripley?" Luca asked. "The best thing to do is see if we can use this infinity stone, I mean unobtanium, to dig us out from underground. Once we do, we can remove the stone safely and portal out."

"Then, by your will, Atlantis will return to the skies!" the computer announced triumphantly.

"Uh, what now?" Luca asked.

The ground began to shake. The rumble felt like the rattle of a malfunctioning fusion drive about to blow up a ship. I was frightened enough that I clung to Luca's arm, unfortunately slowing him down as he reached for the controls.

"Computer!" Alcuard bellowed imperiously. "Explain yourself!"

"I am executing the will of my master! Atlantis will return to its gloried perch above the world!" the AI exclaimed happily.

"But your Master didn't give you an order. Atlantis isn't mine," Luca said.

"You were given control, and instructed me to take us out of the dirt and return us to the heavens!" the creepy AI shouted in giddy joy.

"I didn't order any of that," Luca noted.

"Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I'm being right now!" the ship teased. "And if I stop now the city will fall about half a kilometre."

"We're already in the fucking sky?" I exclaimed. "Holy burning hell, what about my ship?"

"Your stupid penis-shaped rocket with over-sized engines is just fine. Your landing site was very close to the street, and the ship will remain undamaged as I brush the dirt off the city," the computer said indignantly.

"I'm billing you for the hole in my planet," Luca said to Alcuard.

"You're the one who decided to grow the Shire atop my city," Alcuard said.

"Stow it, zombie breath, and tell me how to land this ship like you're dropping your wife on a bed," Luca growled.

"I don't know how," Alcuard admitted.

"What?" Luca and I both exclaimed.

"Why do you think I crash-landed on Mars? I have no idea how to fly this thing properly, and I put my sword in the guts of the last person ever trained to do it," Alcuard admitted.

"You can't fly this fucking thing?"

"Luckily I can," the ship said. "We will ascend to six kilometres, and hold there. We have almost finished scouring the surface of the city clean. Do you wish me to throw the garbage scow off the side?"

"Garbage scow? I'm going to nuke you," I warned the ship. I frowned, and asked, "Wait a sec. How are you cleaning the city?"

"Tornadoes mostly," the ship admitted. "Combined with antigravity, it's pretty easy."

"Wow," I said. "So what the hell do we do now?"

"Computer, is there a ship approaching Atlantis?" Luca asked.

"A ship? No. A ship registered under the name 'Oar Gee' is still in orbit," the computer answered.

I frowned, and thought for a moment about the ship's oddly specific wording. Besides, there was no way a ship as big as the Oar Gee was rated for atmospheric entry. And there was no way a cabal of billionaires would travel on a small vessel. "Computer, are there shuttles in the air?"

"Why yes! Dozens. They'll touch down in a few minutes," the computer chirped. "I have already cleared a place for them to land.

"Well, shit," Luca grumbled. "Okay, computer, once you finish cleaning off the city, set it back down gently. Once the ship's landed, we can grab the unobtanium stone and bug out."

"I understand your command, master," the ship said sullenly.

"Good. In the meantime, the three of us are going back up and doing everything we can to stall for time," Luca said. "Remember that we're stalling, and billionaires like Fabulo enjoy gloating. We give him enough incentive, and he'll babble for hours."

"I understand," Alcuard said. He retrieved a scabbard and a belt from the wall, and sheathed his sword. "Though I reserve the right to murder the vampires as I see fit."

"The vampires, sure. But not their employees, unless they're armed." Luca said.

"Got it," I said. "But seriously, I'm pretty sure I've got some awesome small-arms in my ship. Also, I have my ship. My point-defence cannons alone could ruin their day, and my targeting lasers would be like frying ants with a magnifying glass."

"You did that to ants?" Alcuard asked as he opened the elevator. "You monster."

"No, it was just a metaphor," I said in my own defence.

The three of us crowded into the elevator. As the door shut and we began to rise, I kept glancing at Alcuard's sword and wished I had some kind of weapon of my own. Or really, my spaceship.

We exited the elevator and strode through Alcuard's entrance hall. Passed the entranceway, Alcuard stopped just in front of the doors, turned around, and smiled at us.

"It isn't exactly how I wished to share this with you both," he said kindly. "But it's a pleasure to show you my home for the first time."

He then opened the doors with a snap of his fingers; the city still obeyed him as quickly as a waitress on her first day on the job. The doors opened to a resplendent midnight, with cool blue light of gas lanterns and starlight lighting the way.

The streets were made of cobbles, flat and polished. The roads were impressively wide, with gardens and fountains set in the middle of wide intersections. The streets seemed to lead from one palace to the next, as dozens of mansions large enough to make movie stars blush from the excess dominated the scene.

"It's beautiful," I whispered.

"Agreed," Luca said.

"Nothing pithy to say about my home, werewolf?" Alcuard asked.

"No, nothing. Your home is a marvel, my friend," Luca said simply.

"I, thank you," Alcuard replied hesitantly.

A familiar, but unexpected voice chimed in from the shadows. "I concur. Atlantis is a beautiful place."

Suddenly, a dozen people emerged from the shadows. All of them wore black armour, modern and sleek, ceramic compound armour meant to survive high-calibre rounds and keep the wearer in the fight. Rifles and Gauss guns now pointed at them, held by people who looked convincingly dangerous.

Luca put his hands up in the air first, though he looked rather nonchalant about the move. Alcuard's hand lingered on his sword for a moment before he did the same. Reluctantly, I put my own hands up, both afraid and annoyed.

"Mister Cardego, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to find you here," Lanval Adams said, as he stepped out of the shadows. Unlike the others, he wasn't wearing a helmet, instead sporting his dusty fedora. The mercenary looked rather pleased to have found them, unusually so. As if he were enjoying a private joke.

"Mister Adams. Well, if I had to see a mercenary today, I'm glad it's you. I don't like being shot by accident, and people with guns can be jumpy," Luca said. Despite having his hands in the air, he was still standing as if he owned the place. "So, in the spirit of being on an alien planet, why don't you take me to your leader, earthling?"