The man sitting in his coffin was unnaturally pale.

More than the milky paleness of an engineering student who hadn't seen the sun since he enrolled. Whiter than geisha makeup, close to the chronic vitamin D deficiency supermodels on Luna were fond of maintaining, the man was so pale Luca idle wondered if this man could glow in the dark.

One of those supermodels on Luna had actually gotten a bioluminescent gene modification to her skin. Drove cameramen absolutely berserk, but Luca has rather enjoyed it.

"No, goddamnit, no!" Isabella's AI assistant, BIRD, squawked in indignation.

"What's wrong with birdbrain?" Luca asked.

"This is actually pretty normal for him," Isabella breathed, her chest doing that thing she was fond of doing where her breathing would try to push her breasts out of her bra.

"A vampire? A love triangle with a vampire? Why am I not equipped with a self-destruct feature?" BIRD asked.

"He's a vampire?" Luca asked.

"That should be patently obvious. Long hair, pale, fussily dressed, coat with a collar roughly the size of a woman's handbag, and he has fangs. Does he need to count to six with a Transylvanian accent and then laugh maniacally with lightning flashing in the background?"

Something about the confidence BIRD made the claim with bothered Luca, niggled at his understanding of the world almost as dramatically as the idea that there was something he couldn't buy.

Or that a woman didn't want to sleep with him.

"Excuse me a second," the man said, holding up his hand. He turned away, and with both hands, began to frantically scratch at his nose.

"Uh..." Isabella said.

"My dear girl, I have lain in cryogenic stasis for eons. My nose has itched since the battle of Waterloo. Allow me my proclivities," the man replied, still scratching his nose. He kept it up for a few seconds, then stopped, and let out a long sigh of relief. "Oh, that feels exactly as good as I imagined it would."

"Eons? You've been in that pod for eons?" Isabella asked.

"To a historian, yes. To an astronomer, definitely not. But it has been millennia," the man said, and he swung his legs over the side of the pod. "But let me introduce myself. My name is Alcuard Cominetti Von Dracul."

"Wow. Not even the pretence of subtlety," BIRD groaned. "How long until he tries to turn Bella, I mean Isabella? Because this plot line has never been done before. Ever."

"I don't want the girl," Alcuard said.

Luca wasn't particularly surprised. There was something in the way this unnaturally pale man was looking at him, a look he was used to from most of the women in his life, with a slight twist. The lust was there, certainly, but it was a slightly more sinister sort of longing. Gold digger rather than party girl lust, or the women who saw him for his bank account rather than his abs.

"Woah. I didn't see that coming," BIRD admitted.

"I have lain in stasis for millennia. I have hungered, frozen in time, for almost as long," Alcuard explained, pushing himself up and out of his coffin with unnatural ease. "And at the end of my long fast a man walks into my home, announces himself a friend, with the most appetizing blood I have ever smelt. Why would I content myself with salad when I can have steak?"

"What do you mean, blood like his?" Isabella asked. "Do you have any idea where he's been? Pretty sure he'd give you a list that looks like the census of a small town."

"He smells of satisfaction," Alcuard said, inhaling with his eyes closed and smiling a menacing smile. "Of joy and carnal cravings given an outlet. Of a life lived without reservation. And of wet dog."

"Wet dog?" Isabella asked, eyeing Luca strangely.

"Yeah, I have to admit, it's a tad off-putting," Alcuard said.

"Izzy, have any weapons on that garbage scow of yours? Guns, a flamethrower, military grade lasers?" Luca asked, as he slowly backed away from the coffin and the vampire. Alcuard was, disturbingly, now rising slowly into the air above his coffin.

"Yeah," Isabella replied, backing away beside him. "Is he flying?"

"I did not see this coming," BIRD said. The robotic bird's eyes were wider than before, and it was hopping slowly from one foot to the other. "Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating."

"Yeah, glad you're happy, birdbrain," Luca said. "Isabella, make a run for your ship. Get the biggest gun you have."

"Right," Isabella said. "Kiss for luck?"

"Get moving, sweetheart!" Luca growled. He was still staring up at the vampire, who was now standing in the air theatrically, arms outstretched. He was relieved to hear Isabella's heels clicking against the stone hastily.

"It isn't her I want, anyway," Alcuard said as the clicking started to fade. "Your blood is the most extraordinary temptation, and I will have it!"

The vampire let out a rather comical sounding hiss as he swept through the air towards Luca, hands outstretched and fangs exposed. He crossed the distance between them with the ferocity and swiftness of a...

Of a...

Of a helium-filled balloon tied to a meandering toddler.

Luca frowned as he had to stop and wait, as Alcuard moved through the air at the pace of a leisurely walk. "This isn't your top speed, is it? Because that's almost exactly the pace of an anemic supermodel told to put the pizza slice down and go eat a celery stick," he said.

Alcuard descended somewhat sheepishly. "That usually frightens people so much that they don't notice."

Luca backed up slowly, trying to get as close as he could to the exit before the vampire gave chase. "Skinny, long-haired people in fancy dress throwing themselves at me is kinda old hat," Luca admitted. "Though usually they're shedding clothing at the same time. Don't feel obliged on that count."

"Even ones looking to drink your blood?" Alcuard asked as he touched down.

"You would not believe what people are into," Luca replied. "Out of curiosity, can you turn into a bat?"

"A." Alcuard stopped and sputtered in indignation. "A bat?"

"Classic vampire power. Turning into a bat, or even a swarm of bats? Have to admit, that would be pretty cool," Luca admitted. He managed another three steps towards the entrance before Alcuard shook off his confusion.

"You're stalling," Alcuard said, and he crouched like a runner who took sprints way too seriously.

"Of course I'm stalling," Luca admitted. "Does anyone actually want to let a vampire suck their blood?"

"All the time," Alcuard disagreed. "For some reason I can't explain, women love the idea of having someone bite them in the neck. As long as you're rich, hot, and they believe you're obsessed with them. They find the combination intoxicating. How else do you think vampire novels sell?"

While Alcuard monologged, Luca surprised himself with a moment of clever inspiration. It was more surprising still because most of his eureka moments had a naked woman nearby.

He pulled the portal remote out of his pocket and quickly scrolled through his picture history. It only took him a few seconds to find the photo he wanted, a picture of Viviana celebrating something on his new yacht in orbit around earth. He zoomed in on a certain portion of it and switched his grip on the device.

Just as Luca finished, Alcuard pushed off and charged. The man was unnaturally fast, and hit Luca like a tidal wave of admiring women at a company product launch. Alcuard managed to knock him off his feet and sent him skidding along the stone floor almost to the friendly doorway.

Before he could get up, the vampire was on top of him.

"Oh, is this a gay romance? Isabella will weep when she hears she missed this," BIRD said drily.

"No more games," Alcuard said. For the first time, Luca was genuinely alarmed, as the vampire opened his mouth and the long fangs were clear to see.

Luca was relieved to still feel the device in his hand. "So let's see what other bad stereotypes you fall under. Ever seen this before?"

Luca turned the screen towards Alcuard. At the sight, the man's eyes widened, his face somehow got paler, and he screamed like a boy band fan. The vampire threw himself off, and held his arms over his face as he backed away.

Luca got up and ran, glancing back to see the vampire pat himself over for a moment. Alcuard was feeling his face and hands, inspecting his skin. A moment later he stopped, glared at Luca, and charged in pursuit.

Luca passed through the doorway and sprinted for the exit. He didn't stop or glance backward until he stepped out of the shadows and into the sunlight. Then he turned to see Alcuard standing just behind the edge of the light, growling.

"So," Luca said, grinning as he stopped and walked back towards the shadow, careful to stay in the light. "A little photophobic, are we? Photovoltaic even?"

"I'm pretty sure that word doesn't mean what you think it does," BIRD said as it landed on his shoulder. "But it does look like the vampire is afraid of the light."

"Ashamed of sparkling?" Luca asked. "You should be."

"Sunlight causes my flesh to combust," Alcuard admitted. "Should I take two steps forward, I will burn like a bonfire for a single minute, then be nothing but ash. But please, I need to drink. The thirst, it's maddening."

"Not my blood. I'm using it."

"Please! I don't need all of it. I'll survive off a pint or two."

"Like I said, it's my blood and I like it where it is. Now how about you tell me why I shouldn't just have that cave of yours fumigated and your corpse shoved into a crematorium? You're a zombie, which means it isn't murder."

"Vampire, you shrivelled, shirtless, shilling-less shit," Alcuard retorted.

"Go get a tan," Luca bit back.

"Hey, back the hell away from him before I turn your pasty, frilly, stick figure frame into the dust some other vampire can use for sparkles!" Isabella's now familiar voice bellowed from somewhere behind Luca.

The first shock was seeing Alcuard's eyes widen in unabashed terror. Luca whirled around to see Isabella holding a massive metal with several barrels, all of which were spinning. Luca recognized it a heartbeat later, but idle wondered if she had ripped it off her ship's hull.

"Bella, darling, what is that?" Luca asked, carefully stepping out of her line of fire.

"You said bring the biggest weapon I had," Isabella replied.

"Isn't that a railgun?" Alcuard asked.

"There's no kill like overkill. Now how about you lie down and play dead?" Isabella asked.

Luca let out a long laugh. "Izzy, I think you can put that down. Vampy here will play nice. In fact..."

Luca stepped into the shadows and up to Alcuard. He held out his hand and offered him a wry grin. "Let's start over. I'm Luca Cardego, and this is Isabella Bonny. I can have someone bring some blood over in a few minutes. You okay if it's bagged and refrigerated?"