yes a really good book

ya'll

we've been doing testing all week im cryin

the day before yesterday i stayed up until 4 am

i had taken a nap from like 3-7 and then ate some food and read a bts fanfic for 6 hours straight and finished at 2 am

then i played the piano and grabbed a pen and started writing on my arm again

partways through the fanfic i realized that i have so many friends i dont see outside of school and since im going to a different high school i'll likely never see them again so i cried and talked to myself in the mirror about how worthless and undeserving i am and how it disgusts me to look at my self and i went into the hallway and sang to my deaf dog and watched some asmr and fell asleep for two hours before i woke up for school

then yesterday i went to bed at 4 pm instead

fun

and now im here with writing still on my arm

im tired

we just finished the language arts portion of our fun state-mandated testing rite

first i tried a bit then for the essay portion of this particular test we took today i just wrote the lyrics to tear in my heart and submitted that

in others news emerson is in a cONSTANT GAY PANIC

i was cold during rehearsal in drama and chloe was like "here take my hoodie" (whiCH IS THE SAME HOODIE I GAVE HER FOR HER BIRTHDAY) and im crying its so warm and it smelled like her gOD

my friends and i were reminicing over animal jam at lunch today it was great

"why do you have so much writing on your arm??"

"lol it looks like you took a library stamp and just put it on your arm"

"what do you write on your arm?"

"sTOP WRITING ON YOUR ARM"

god fuCK just leave me to my coping in pEACE im not hurting myself or others sO WHO CARES

i know its not everyday that you encounter someone with a blanket that scratches their face and suddenly you see a ton of writing in pen from their knuckles to their elbow but come on man

dont tell me to stop writing on my arm because if i stop writing on my arm im gonna cut my hair and if you tell me to stop that then im gonna do something else and you'll probably unpleased with that so leave me be pls

next next day:

my arm is hurting a bit which is weird bc i dont exercise so what is thiS

am i just dehydrated

i hope i dont need to take another damn break from drawing i nEED TO WORK ON A COMMISSION ARM SO SUCK IT UP

last night i went to go see my school's musical with joey and my friend tyler rite

i knew almost all the cast and cheered them on and gave them hugs after the performance it was great

last year i knew almost none of the cast which was awkward

unfortunately one of the main characters was played by ben

fuckin ben

ya'll

i hate ben

he was a sevie who helped me when i was a student aide last semester bUT HE WAS SO ANNOYING

we would take out the recycling and he'd throw snow at me

he'd steal my phone and run around the classroom with it ugh

every time i see him in the hallway i'll say "oh fuck it's ben" and chloe told me i say that so much she'll see him when i'm not around and hear my voice in the back of her head saying "oh fuck it's ben"

me: lol jefferson and lafayette's outfits arent thAt hard to draw

me, actually drawing them: i shouldve charged extra for this

yesterday my mom was late to drive me to school and she said "ya know what you wanna just get dunkin donuts and i'll call you in late? you can lie and say you had a doctor's appointment or something"

so we went to the new dunkin donuts by our apartment and i ordered a blueberry muffin and a hazelnut iced coffee and hid it all in the bag and put it under my blanket and no one figured it out

bUT THEY GAVE ME A CHOCOLATE CHIP MUFFIN INSTEAD OF BLUEBERRY

top ten anime betrayals

ya'll the new face yourself album has me fucking sh00k bUT NOT AS SH00K AS ALL BLACK-HAIRED BANGTAN FUCK ME UP

i never really listened to their japanese songs which is weird bc i know more japanese than korean

but i can read more korean than japanese

i cant write in japanese bUT I CAN WRITE SOME STUFF IN KOREAN EVEN THO I DONT KNOW WHAT IT MEANS

my favorite thing is joey not understanding vine references and just looking at me with confusion and concern

sam: should we sit down?

tyler: actually, i cant sit anywhere

me, tyler, and sam: i have hemerroids

like three days later:

we're starting the math portion of state mandated testing rite

im like not even reading half the questions and just clicking answers randomly and typing lyrics

like on the last question i wrote the lyrics to allstar, submitted my test, and took a nap

my neck kept breaking bc laying flat on two unconnected chairs isnt super comfortable so i bunched my blanket up and used it as a pillow and my friend handed me his jacket which i used as a blanket

now i couldve used the jacket as a pillow but i drool when i sleep and i didnt really wanna drool on his jacket alright

my computer was bein such a hoe this weekend

fucking hell

i had four layers and one tab on my browser open aND THE SECOND I TRY TO MERGE A LAYER IT FREEZES FOR 10 MINUTES

gOd

like my computer regularly handles 6 tabs and like 20 layers sO WYD

(lol dont leave any comments past this point or im deleting the comment and blocking you dont message me dont talk to me after this point until the next chapter)

ever wish you could just like

stop breathing

like one day you go to sleep and dont have to wake up

bc i think that almost every night

i felt good today ya know

got stuff done

opened my blinds and enjoyed some sunlight

hung out with friends

then i go out to dinner and i feel worthless and angry again wowie

why does my dad have this fun cute habit of bringing up his divorce whenever we're in public

i dont care about people hearing no no no

i care about the fact that im still sad about them splitting and it makes me cry

i dont like crying in public

how many times

have i just cried

and left everything unsolved

got no closure

and just felt empty

how many times has my dad pissed me off 

and i tell him that i want to go to my room and be alone

and he tells me that i have to fucking stay out

and talk to him

and not understand

that going into my room and being alone

is what makes me feel better

not continuously talking about your goddamn poor relationship choices and the fact that ive left behind so many amazing people because he's in the military and they decide to ditch the only solid thing in my life

heres a commission i did plus the sketch oh wow

i want to stop breathing