here's mermay day 2 and 3

when ur too lazy to do lineart so u just color the sketch and that gets more compliments than ur lined pieces uH

to be fair i think day three is my favorite one so far

look at her

im in love

also here's a lil doodle i did while practicing my new hair

for some reason i got flashbacks to when my doodles were-

*distant sounds of me vomiting(

loOK HOW I USED TO DRAW MYSELF IM CRYIGN

the evolution of emerson's mental health-

next next day:

bitch yesterday was weird lemme tell ya-

i did my usual thing where i fall asleep after i get home and wake up at night

so i stayed up til like three in the morning after waking up at eight and i just laid in bed the entire time

but for some reason i was weirdly worried about nuclear weapons

i learned this a couple months ago but it really started creeping me out last night:

bikini bottom was based off a real place called bikini atoll where we tested nuclear warheads

its a cool fact but then it hits you that all the creatures of bikini bottom were results of radiation

then i thought:

"goddamn i live near an air force base thats a very important place for communications which would likely be one of the first places to get nuked"

then i thought about the book on hiroshima i read where one of the characters (i think it was mr. tanimoto idk) grabbed a woman's hand to help her up but then her skin slid off like a glove

so it wasnt my usual "im terrified its the middle of the night and there are monsters" kinda fear it was a very subtle "im gonna die in my sleep from a bomb"

next day:

last night my dad made me come over to his apartment bc my mom and brother were gonna be out

so i went to his apartment after stopping at walmart to get a corkboard, red string, and tumbtacks (yes im actually gonna make a conspiracy board) and its a noice place

my dad got me some prints of my drawings and its so cool sCREE

i have a queen size bed im cryin

anyway i laid in my bed to sleep and played an hour loop of jimin's serendipity and for some reason i could not stop crying

i cried for like an hour before just giving up and watching some more asmr and finally falling asleep

this wasnt your average "im depressed" crying this was some "i just watched clannad level" sobbing

i dONT EVEN KNOW WHY

speaking of being sad-

i got home this morning and my mom was like "are you okay? you look sad?"

and i kept assuring her i was fine and she brought it up a couple more times then left me alone

and i just thought

next next day:

hello yes im at my dad's apartment and finally got ahold of a computer and internet connection

im using my old tablet here so sorry if everything's garbage for a bit

also here was mermay day 4 sorry

next next day:

god im so inactive sorry this week has been crazier than my fucking mental health

its currently my friend's birthday so i was cramming and trying to finish the lineart of a drawing for her before my dad picked me up to go to his place rite

and he calls me goin like

"aye so your mom told me you havent been responding to texts and she's a little offended she's upset, im upset, we're gonna have a talk and things are gonna change around here"

like lol okay my life totally hasnt been a trainwreck recently you really gonna implement more change ya piece of shit

tfw your life is constantly changing and you cant seem to catch a fucking breather 

god dad "things are gonna change around here" is this a fucking joke

i didnt respond to a meme and i wanna stay at mom's house and suddenly hamilton just appeared so the world hAS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN

the first night i stayed at my dad's house i cried for an hour straight for no particular reason but i think i got it

its because i felt the same dread as if i moved away

i know i didnt move away or anything but it dawned upon me that

"this is a new house i'm living in" and my brain, when it thinks that, just decided to yeet on my tears because the last time i thought that i had just moved to colorado away from all my most amazing and cherished friends in california and before that when i moved to california away from the closest to childhood friends i ever had in massachussetts

im really tired guys

ive been sleep deprived all week

and i cant seem to get a break

"but emerson people have it soooo much worse than you you should be grateful"

what the fuck kinda thing is that

i used to think like that

"stop complaining you have a roof over your head whats the damn problem"

see that doesnt make you feel better if anything it makes ya feel worse

school ends in two weeks

and im fucking ready

im so tired

and i just want to sleep and not wake up again

so i dont have to open my eyes and realize that i have no purpose, my only damn purpose is to follow instructions exactly as im told without a complaint

and whats the point in living if thats your purpose