me: ya know life's not so bad i can smile every once in a while and be happy :)

my lack of serotonin: try me bitch 

i should write a bts reader insert bc then i'll get a whole lot of views and im all about selling out

imma do it fuck this

since im going to a new high school with literally no one from middle school i know i kinda wanna make a sort of mafia thing and become a mob boss and make a ton of money and rise into power and have guards and be kinda anon so when i walk by people in the hall they dont know im like the most powerful person in school but as soon as they disrespect me i can just snap my fingers and they'll never mess with me again

i really just want power and to use people for my own agendas to become successful and rich

jfc that sounds really baD

its cool though because im power hungry but im also a huge pussy so thats never gonna happen

next day:

so i tried actually going to bed at a reasonable time (8:30) bc i was feelin kinda sick and then i woke up at 11:47 and now its 2 am and idk what to do

my dad said im not allowed to eat in my room but if you honestly believed i would follow that rule you're an idiot

this aint my first time to the rodeo okay i wasnt allowed to eat in my old room back in california so i would sneak food up there and hide it strategically

i have lots of places in this new room to hide food in

like

lots of drawers, a bigass closet with a bigass empty suitcase in it

hecc even one of my dresser drawers is completely empty and has no purpose so i use it for storing food, trash from that food, and things i dont want my family finding out about

btw all i have in there at the moment is an old saltine wrapper and a throwing knife i stole from my friend bc they were using it to cut themselves

but im hiding that knife because my dad would ask "why tf do you have a throwing knife" and i aint just gonna be like "because my friends are fucking depressed"

im still highkey pissed off at that kid nick in language arts who's a silly kid right and i expected him to read out an entertaining memoir especially after molly's funny story of how she got expelled from catholic school for satanism and then nick read out a memoir of how his fucking grandpa died and i was so caught off guard and sleep deprived i burst into tears and he laughed at me

you know i had such high standards for humor when i was little and now-

me: wanna hear a joke

friend: sure

me: okay why couldnt the map maker find his map

friend: why?

me: because he lost his map

me: *laughs hysterically*

haha im kidding i havent seen my friends in almost a month

i think the last time i hung out with one of them was may 30th or smth

its june 21st

fuck its almost been a month summer break is gonna be over before i know it then im gonna be back at school oh no please dont put me back there-

im literally getting trauma from fucking school i swear to god-

oh yeah also i drew some more saucy stuff heres a sexy cat girl

my ass is too lazy for backgrounds

plus its smut who the fuck is gonna care

i tried cel shading because it looks nice and i wanted to get back into it and i dont have my custom brushes on dad's computer but it was hard like im never doing this again

i mean i might to it again bc it looks nice but not often dont look forward to it

lol throw back to the end of the school year when all my friends were like "we're gonna hang out and do lots of shiz together over the summer" and flashback to now when its been almost a month since i last saw them wHEEZE

one time emily was complaining to me about how she'd been trapped inside for three days and how she hadnt socialized with anyone besides her family and now im just sh00k because even tho i cant break my two week indoors record since i have to switch apartments every week i still havent socialized with anyone outside my family in a long ass time

i talked to my brother's gf for a bit and thats literally it help me

lol i keep saying im gonna get help for my mental health especially after the vodka incident but i still havent gotten help lmao

me: im gonna get a therapist and meds and im gonna work on helping myself :)

also me: maybe if i sleep for 18 hours my depression will be cured

its 4:30 am rn im surprised i havent fallen into a deep pit of existentialism yet im kinda proud

ya know suga lowkey brags about how good he is at oral sex all the time and tbh i want him to eat me out

like in agust d and cypher pt 3 he says how his tongue is gonna send ya'll to hong kong which is apparently slang for giving someone lots of pleasure during sex and now im like "boi prove it"

tbh at this point anyone can eat me out its free real estate

im sad and i wanna have meaningless sex

you, probably: emerson dont you have a girlfriend

yES I DO

and i love her but at the same time i just wanna be distracted and sleep around

next day sort of since its still the same day but i just woke up so:

alright so i went to bed at 7 am yEET

im drawin jd right now oo fun

lol i just made fettuccine alfredo at 10:30 pm which doesnt sound late but my dad sleeps in the living room and snuck an extra bowl into my room for later