Online:

Me: "How are you all??"

You: "What's up"

Me: "My dog is a fucking MANIAC and tried to step on my EYEBALL"

Me: *laughs at your pain* 

"Sorry I just had to get that out"

Me: *throws angst at your faces* 

"EAT"

Me: "Thank you all so so so much!!!"

*cries in happiness*

Me: "Love you guys!"

Me: "No I'm not fine haha"

IRL:

"Look I KNOW that those scars on my arm look like cut scars but they're NOT I promise they're burn scars look I touched a saucepan I'm not proud of it"

"I have ADHD so if you see me running around the house with a spoon shouting about how good the soup is just ignore it"

*lays on the kitchen floor* 

*flops around like a dying fish* 

"I love lying on the floor it's so comfy"

"I haven't updated in five days oh my GOD FUCK they'll HATE ME"

*cries*

"The story about the raccoons? It's not that impressive they were trying to eat my chickens I just took a metal bat and went whack"

*grabs bat*

"Want me to demonstrate??"

"I don't like people" 

*hides under blanket*

"Except for you you're awesome"

My friends: "Are you okay?"

Me: "Mentally? No. Physically?"

*looks at large bruise. 

Me: "It's merely a flesh wound it'll heal"

You: "Your writing is so good!"

Me: "..."

Me: "Fuck I tricked them into liking me what now"

My friend/my family/anyone really: *does one tiny, nearly unnoticeable thing wrong like tripping*

Me: 

Me: "HA you failed"

Me: *hisses* 

Friend: "Yeah that's my friend right there pay no notice I'm so sorry"

Friend: "I swear you've gotten taller!"

Me: "Well last time I saw you I was five feet and now I'm five feet and a quarter inch so yeah"

Friend: "You're still short tho"

Me: "I swear I will smack you"

Friend: *uses my head as an armrest*

Friend: "You're so tiny"

Me: "Yea I know but you've never like fallen out of a 23-foot tree so HA I win"