"I love you"
It has no meaning in this house
It's just a word
Something like "good bye"
Or "see you later"

There is no meaning
No sense of security when she says it
No gentle hand to keep me going
No support to get me through the day.
The day of unruly teenagers
Judging stares
And hurtful gazes that make my hairs stand on end.

When those words are uttered
An answer is expected
An answer that mirrors her words.
I have no ability to hint at the pain inside my head
The aching of my wrists.
Though I've had the chance before,
To confide in her
But I fear that she will be angry.
Angry at me for hiding it
Angry at me for making her feel guilty
Angry at me for touching my skin with a razor
Angry at me for thinking about how high I have to be, in order for the fall to end in death
Angry at me for allowing myself to continue like this.

So i keep quite
I dont speak
When she raises her voice
I avoid her stare
I suddenly find the stitches in the carpet to be the most interesting thing around.
I keep quite
As the tears stream down my face
Or as my mind tells me she's right to yell.
Right to blame me.
So
I mutter an apology.
But what I don't say
is what counts

"I'm sorry,
I know you never wanted another daughter,
I know that I would be alone without you, stuck in foster care
I wouldn't know the friends I know now
And I wouldn't be who I am today,
I'm sorry that I'm so difficult
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this,

Deal with such a disappointment
And I'm sorry, that I have been too scared to off myself
But next time
I promise
I won't back out"