I found no motivation to write my novel so

Apparently I had motivation to write a frickin vent

Anyway, lessa go

So anyway, I'm slowly growing into be really careless

One time I tried looking for a pencil and my first choice to look was automatically the bathroom. I stood in there for 5 seconds and thought how dumb I'm getting and got out.

I think everyone can somewhat relate to being embarrassed about making mistakes at some point

I get highly embarrassed and disappointed in myself. It's like I can never really learn.

I'm kind of a "scholar" (as my classmates like to call it) at school. I got really good grades and when I make a mistake in front of everybody, everybody probably think of me as a fake. An actual failure. Someone who is cheating her way through. The more I think about that makes me feel like they're right.
Maybe I am fake. I'm not really smart. I'm just really lucky. And sometimes I actually believe that I try so hard and do my best when I really don't.

Then there's my art skills.
People probably think I actually steal off of other people's work, stealing their ideas and styles. And tbh, I kinda do that but I really try my best to give them credit.
People probably see my drawings and say "Oh god it's her again. The wannabe."

Though, I think I really am a wannabe. In my head I call myself that usually when I am suddenly squeezed in with the other fantastic artists. It feels so right but wrong, like I deserve that honor but I just don't belong with others who also have the honor. But I'm not surprised, really.

Now there's this one about my social abilities.

I can do so much wrong things by accident and be so oblivious about it.
And I absolutely hate it when that happens. I don't want people to think I'm doing wrong things on purpose. And it's a living nightmare when people point that out on me. I don't want to be the actual bad guy.

But then I look at my relationships with others and think that I really am the villain.

I rarely talk with my friends and probably make them think I'm a fake friend who wasted their time.
Tbh, they're still the best. I had a breakdown at one point in front of two of best friends and felt so horrible.

From then on, they started treating me like I'm suddenly special.
I appreciate what they're doing for me but it's just too nice, and I'll never get used to it because I don't deserve their kindness.

I'll never really get used to earning praises. I guess it's because the other side of me wants to die and tries its best to avoid adoring those compliments.

I keep pushing my friends away when they're only trying to help. I try my best not to get them involved with my trash

But again, I can't help but get them involved because I'm just naive and stupid.

Now I'm starting to really wish I was dumb and ignorant so I wouldn't feel like this. No one would be interested in me (even though that's already happening) and I get to be careless without a single doubt.