------Author's Note------

Hey guys!

I really hope y'all are doing well. I know school's been starting up again with the new year. It can be difficult, but it's important to keep your head up and take breaks when needed. That goes for work too and anything else that's going on in your lives right now.

We're going back to Koto's perspective now! This is going back to right after the attack at training camp, so we'll see what she's been up to...

Koto's POV

I wake up in the hospital room, my mind fuzzy. I feel my brows furrow, trying to remember why I'm here, when everything begins hitting me like a ton of bricks. 

Eito attacked me in the woods and when I woke up here, I was too scared and angry to do anything but attack. I could've killed Momo. I could've broken the window and jumped out. If Mic and Midnight hadn't been there, either one of us could be dead. Or both.

I feel hands on my shoulders and metal straining against my wrists as I try to sit up. Sayuri pushes me back down into the cushions, eyes flashing as she takes in my emotional aura which I'm sure is a jumble right now, what with how fast the memories are flying through my head. 

They put me in here, chained me down. I attacked a nurse. I attacked Ochaco. I kept Eijiro at a distance and when I saw Bakugo, I felt like I was being cleaved in two, the pain hurt so bad from panicking. 

The image of him is seared into my brain, the way he stopped breathing for a moment...his hands unclenched...his eyes filled…

The way he stumbled out of the room, tripping over himself, the blood drained from his face. 

He looked so weak. 

I made him look weak.

It's my fault. It's all my fault.

"Koto, calm down," Sayuri says quietly. "This is not your fault."

Have I been saying that out loud? No, my mouth isn't moving. And yet it's echoing around the room.

I feel the cold metal of the quirk-supressing handcuffs press into my wrists and the room falls into a stony silence, my thoughts no longer filling the air. When did they take those off of me in the first place?

It feels as though a shard of glass is tearing at my heart. Of course I wouldn't be speaking. I can't. How could my mind have forgotten that? How could it have let me have hope?

"We should leave these on until she calms down a little," a lower voice says from next to me. I glance over to see Mr. Aizawa, looking solemn. Behind him is Eito, the man who put me here. 

Why is he here? Don't they know what he did? More memories come crashing down onto me. Oh yeah, they explained it to me. The villains took his brother. Isn't his name Touma? He's in my ballet class. He's so shy, I hope he's okay.

I sit, watching as police officers escort the man out. He sends a glance over his shoulder, guilt filling his eyes as he looks at me. I can't help but cry at his broken expression. 

Why did I have to be there? It could've been worse, I guess. He could've gotten my other classmates with his quirk. He could've made it permanent. But I can't believe what I did because of it. 

Ochaco and Eijiro must hate me. I can't blame them. I wanted to hurt Ochaco so bad that she would want to leave me. I don't deserve her as a friend. I'm so broken, so why does she care about me? 

And Ei, it was like he was a stranger to me and I got scared. How can somebody be so unfortunate to have a quirk like that that brings out the worst in someone's mind?

I can't believe what I did to them. And that poor nurse that I attacked. 

I hate myself for everything that I felt. 

And yet, anger flourishes in my mind, directed at Eito. If he could fix my brain, why not help me speak again?! If he wanted to fix his mistake and show he felt bad, he could've just fixed it!!!

But what would that entail? Would that mean forgetting what I did: what made me this way?

A thought surfaces in my mind; my parents. As I had been sitting alone in this room, left to be drowned by my thoughts, I kept seeing them in the crumpled car, an accident that I caused. I saw them being lowered into the ground, the last time I ever saw them. I was constantly overwhelmed with guilt that I never went back to see them. 

I never even got to say goodbye to Grandma. We didn't go back for the funeral. I feel more tears slipping from my eyes as the bad thoughts drown me. 

I'm so selfish. Why have I never gone back? They wanted me to learn how to use my quirk properly and even in the best hero course in the world, I can't do that. It landed me here. I'm a failure. I wasted their love and now they're gone. I used them as stepping stones and now I'll never see them again.

Most of the adults have filed out of the room, except for Mic and Sayuri. A nurse walks tentatively through the door with a tray of food and sets it on my lap, keeping as much distance as she can. 

I made her have that reaction. I take the tray gently, trying to calm her obvious nerves, but she rushes out anyway. I didn't have much of an appetite before, but it's surely gone now. 

"Hey Koto," Mic steps forward warily. 

What? I want to scream. He fixed me, so stop walking on eggshells!

I set the tray aside and stare up at my uncle. "Do you want me to stay?" He asks. 

As in he just wants to go and he's making sure I'm okay with that or… I look deep into his eyes. Of course there's the pity that I hate seeing, but beyond that, I can see his caring gaze and the emotional pain I must've put him through. Maybe he really wants to stay, but doesn't want to make me angry. 

"If you're okay with that," I sign, some tears still falling from my eyes. The metallic sound of the chains clinking reverbs across the cold room, somehow making it feel even more empty. 

In an instant, he has pulled a chair to the side of my bed. He grabs me and pulls me into a tight hug. "Of course," he cries. 

•°•°•°•

I'm let out of the hospital a few days later. When Mic brings me home, I do my best to not look in the mirror. I don't want to see what I look like. I've barely eaten and haven't seen the sun in a while, I'm sure the sight isn't pretty. I take a long shower, letting the hot water wash away the feeling of the woods and the hospital which still lie on my skin.

I throw a blanket over the mirror and hole up in bed for a while, just thinking; I've had a lot of time to do that recently. When I'm in a cold, empty box with only my thoughts, a lot of time is spent in my head. I consider why exactly Grandma wanted to send me here. She said I should be working on my quirk, learn to master it, not be afraid of it. But why did she want me to be a hero?

I don't exactly feel heroic. 

I'll admit, it feels easier to help others than help myself, but as Bakugo pointed out, if I can't help myself, what sort of hero is that? I've been thinking a lot about him too, particularly why he came to the hospital room. The logical part of my brain is sure that it's because he wanted to keep an eye on Eito, but I can't shake my other thoughts. Why would he care what Eito did to me?

The other part of my brain, the one silently hoping that he was starting to see me as a friend, is quietly whispering that it's because he doesn't want anything bad to happen to me. Or any of his friends. Mic has filled me in on what had happened in the woods. Apparently Bakugo let himself get taken and told everyone else not to fight when he knew they would be outmatched. 

Why is it so hard for me to be a hero like him?

I feel myself getting antsy, so I go over to my desk and start fiddling with my long-forgotten circuit boards to busy my hands. 

I graciously accept the food Mic keeps bringing in, trying my best to eat it, but it's difficult. Sometimes, just looking at it makes my stomach churn. Mostly, I see the way I attacked the people in the hospital. The image continues to haunt me. 

I desperately want to reach out to Ochaco or Eijiro, even maybe Bakugo to see if they're alright, but I don't want them to be worried about me. I'm sure that if I take time for myself, I can reacclimate to my positive emotions and be more normal when I talk to them next. 

After the sun goes down, Mic brings in my dinner for the night along with a message from Aizawa about a Class 1-A therapy session. 

"Therapy?" I sign, incredulously. "With everyone?"

"You're not the only one who went through some stuff, kiddo," Mic replies. "Might I remind you that Hagakure was poisoned alone in the forest and Yaoyorozu was nearly killed by a crazy redhead!"

He smiles at his attempt at a joke, but my stomach feels like lead. Two people that I nearly killed, I think. On top of that, Ochaco…

"Hey now," he shouts, pulling me out of my own head. "I didn't mean it like that!"

"Now's just not a good time," I sign. "Can I just go to bed?"

He puts a bowl of food on my lap. "Eat first," he instructs, then goes to the door. Over his shoulder on the way out, he says, "I'm sorry for being insensitive. The therapy session is tomorrow at 10am. I can let them know if you don't want to go, but I think your friends want to see you. Just let me know what you decide. But Shota might come over and drag you there himself if you don't go, so I'd really think about it if I were you, ya dig?"

I sigh and nod. I know I won't be able to get out of it. Of course I wish I had more time, but I just have to put on a brave face like usual and go with it. 

After tomorrow, I'll be able to be by myself for the rest of break and have some time to fix things in my head. 

•°•°•°•

Mic walks to the school with me the next day. I hadn't been able to get any breakfast down. I kept throwing up from the anxiety of seeing my classmates again. The whole morning, I've been going back and forth between "I shouldn't see them until I'm better" and "just put on a brave face, you can do it, you always do it."

Mic and I arrive at UA at exactly 10 o'clock. He rushes us to the elevator and selects the eighth floor, frantically clicking the "close doors" button, as if the 14 extra clicks will make them close any faster.

As the elevator rises, my head becomes dizzy, surely from dehydration. I blink the little spots in my vision away and let Mic drag me through the hallways of the eighth floor until we get to the right conference room. 

"It'll all be okay," he whispers before pushing me forward into the room. I stumble a bit, the harsh motion not doing good things for my head or stomach. 

Immediately, I lock eyes with Bakugo from across the room. He seems to be talking with Eijiro, but his expression shifts upon seeing me. 

Great, I think to myself. It seems as though Ei notices the change on his friend's face and he begins to turn around, but that's thankfully when a woman standing on a podium begins speaking. She gathers everybody around and begins discussing what will happen today.

I try to listen, I really do, but the knot of anxiety in my stomach won't go away and I have to focus really hard to even keep standing. Things get a lot worse, though, when suddenly, everybody turns to look at me. 

I hear multiple people hold their breath upon seeing me, which makes me want to cry. I'm not some fragile thing, I think exasperatedly, even though I don't quite believe myself. The woman up front beckons me forward to stand up on the podium with her and Bakugo. I don't remember him going up there. 

She holds me in place with her intense gaze for a few seconds before I nod and begin walking towards her. It feels as though I'm moving in molasses. My feet don't exactly fall correctly onto the floor and my legs feel weak. The dots start swimming into my vision again as I nearly trip up the small step to stand next to her. I stare at my shoes, not wanting to meet the eyes of all the people staring at me. 

"Right," she says a little warily. 

Maybe starting to think you shouldn't have picked me, huh? I ask in my mind. I hear the two people she was with, whispering behind my back. 

"...a hero?" I catch one saying. 

My teeth grit together as I fight to not cry. I know, I want to cry out to them. I know I look pathetic!

I hear the main woman finish her speech, but again, I wasn't paying attention. The edges of my vision start to creep in, making my sight dark and my head foggy. I feel the eyes still staring at me, probably all thinking the same thing the others were. 

Why couldn't they've just given me more time?

All of a sudden, I feel a hand slip around my waist and rest firmly on my other side, sending a shiver through my body. My eyes flick up to see Bakugo as he pulls me tightly against him. 

What's going on? I feel my body tremble against him. My breathing becomes staggered and all I can focus on is the way his presence suffocates me, the way his caramel scent drowns me and his touch feels like a vice. The power he commands in every action just reminds me of how weak I am.

He'll be a hero, I think to myself, recalling all my thoughts of the past few days. Maybe one of the best. Even though he's terrifying and brutish, he can still try to comfort, sure in his own way, but that's why he's a great hero. All I am is a disappointment.

I struggle to take a deep breath, but I feel too restricted to even get any air. My vision completely blacks out and I push weakly away from him as my legs give out from underneath me. I don't recall ever hitting the floor, but when my vision returns, I see the floor a lot closer than it once was and a blonde figure rushing out the door, closely followed by my teacher. 

The woman crouches down next to me and tells everybody else to let me have space, but even she's too close. My head swims and I motion for her to back up as I try to fill my lungs with oxygen. 

My eyes unwillingly meet a few of my classmates'. Tsu, eyes wide, one foot forward as though she was stopped midway through getting to me; Sero, hands over his mouth; Eijiro, glancing frantically between me and the door that Bakugo has just exited out of; and Ochaco, lip quivering, tears running down her face, so similar to how I made her look at the hospital. 

I'm a horrible friend. 

I roll to lay flat on my back and rub my face with both hands. A furry face pops up next to mine. "Need to bark about it alone, pup?" Hound Dog asks, to which I nod. He extends a paw to me and I take it, slowly standing and letting him escort me out of the room and to his office. 

•°•°•°•

Hound Dog keeps me there for a few hours while I fill him in on what's been happening. I have to appreciate how calmly he waits while I write my situation down; thankfully, he keeps a whiteboard in his office (I guess a lot of other people find stuff easier to write down than talk about). He made some good points, he really did, but I'm not sure how well they were imprinted into my brain. 

"All heroes face disappawntment in themselves."

Yeah, they can't save everyone. I bet that's tough on them. 

"Many heroes face criticisms too, about how they're not fit to be heroes."

I get that. But I don't even think I'm fit for this.

"Have you considered how people treat Miss Midnight?"

It was at that point my mind paused. I had told him way back when I first met him about my issues with Midnight. I didn't really understand where they were coming from back then, but he had discussed this with me many times.

But I guess I have been unnecessarily harsh on her. I know it was bad timing for us when we met and I can't justify my harshness towards her by what she wears or how confident she is. She's powerful and put together and so many other things that make a great hero. My problems with her just stem from missing my own family and not wanting to open my heart to her as the aunt she wants me to see her as.

"She had to fight through a lot of adversity to make it where she is now. A lot of people were stuck in their ways when she was a pup, telling her she couldn't do what she wanted. There's a lot of naysayers out there, but you have to trust in your own pawer and those around you."

I guess I can do some pretty impressive stuff...maybe…

"On the other paw, there are many people who support you. It's often easier to remember the bad things people say, even when the good things outnumber them."

All of my fans I made from the internship and ever since. I have upperclassmen talking to me in the halls, being supportive. The number one hero trusts enough in my power to put me up against Bakugo. 

"Just some things to pawnder, now have you made any more pawgress with that Shinso pup?"

I walk down the hill by myself, remembering my session. Apparently, my other classmates will be there for a while and Mic has his radio show to prepare for, so I'll be alone for dinner. I pick up a bento box from the local corner store before heading home. I put the food on my bed and go into the bathroom.

Washing the tears from my face, I take a look at myself in the mirror for the first time in a while. Puffy blue eyes stare back, starkly contrasted against the tightness of my other skin as it's pulled across my cheekbones. My pale skin is red and splotchy, particularly my nose and eyes. The skin around my nose is rubbed raw and irritated. I glance down at the rest of my body. My clothes still hang off my frame which seems to look even weaker than before. The harsh cuts on my wrists and forearms show how hard I was pulling on my restraints. Both of my thumbs have deep cuts at the base where they got caught against the metal when I tried to pull my hands free. 

I roll the sleeves of my hoodie over my hands and walk back into my room. Examining the contents of the bookshelves, I see a case poking out slightly; the Just Dance case with GGG's video in it. 

I take the disk labeled "Good Times" and put it in the projector. Opening my bento, I press play and begin watching my great-great-grandmother's life as she recorded it. 

I rewatch the Just Dance part, along with some other parts of her teenage years: going out with friends, driving to the beach, sitting outside on summer nights around a campfire. I get to the summer before her first year of college before I start to get sleepy, so I pause the video and vow to finish it tomorrow.