The rest of the weekend, I pretty much lock myself away to study. I'm really struggling with math, now that we're getting into more complicated calculus. I mean, I thought I was good at math before, but Ectoplasm teaches a little too fast for me. 

I'm sitting on my bed, reading through my math textbook for what has to be the thousandth time when I notice my phone buzzing off the wire. I decide it's time for a study break, so I grab it. 

Ochaco is looking for study buddies in the Dekusquad group chat. Apparently, Iida and Todoroki always study by themselves and Tsu is studying with Tokoyami and Shoji. This leaves Midoriya to be the only one to agree to study with her. 

Do I agree to study with her, knowing that we'll most likely get distracted and get nothing done? Or do I let her hang out alone with her crush for a few hours every day for the next week? Hmmm…tough decision. 

Not.

I text them back saying that I get too easily distracted when I try to study with other people. It isn't technically a lie, but it's also not the only reason I'm declining. 

I grab some snacks from my bedside table and watch an episode of the Suite Life of Zack and Cody. This is the most effective method I've found for studying. When I can't cram any more knowledge into my brain, I watch one episode and then get back to work. Then, right before bed, I do an extensive review, so that the facts are better retained in long term storage. 

Knowing a professional psychologist has its perks.

I'm about halfway through the episode, I get another text, this time from Eijiro. 

Kiri: Hey are you getting this math stuff?

Me: Lol nope

Me: I mean the earlier stuff I'm fine with, but the more recent stuff is killing me

Kiri: Well I was wondering if you wanted to come study with me and Bakugo this week. We've been doing a lot of math. It's still not clicking with me either

I have to think for a moment. If I was only studying with Eijiro, I'd probably get nothing done, but Bakugo seems like he would be a drill sergeant when it comes to studying. At least we could stay on topic the whole time. Enh, why not? Maybe he could help.

Me: Sure when are you guys getting together?

Kiri: Well we're studying every day after school next week, but we're also meeting in an hour if you wanna join

Me: Yeah, any little bit helps

I receive a location and pull it up in my maps app. It's not too far away. I guess they want to use the same place after school, so they picked somewhere in Musutafu. 

Me: See you in an hour!

Kiri: Kk I'll tell Bakugo

I go back to studying with a new vigor. Something in my brain doesn't want them to see me look stupid, even though they both now know I need help. I just don't want to get so frustrated that I cry in front of them. Because that happens sometimes. 

Eventually, I can't wait anymore, so I pack all my books into my backpack, shove my feet into my new Crocs, and head out. I walk around the city for a while, taking in the neon lights as they come on. I try to calm my nerves at the thought of studying with people, but by the time I walk into the little cafe, my hands are still shaking. 

Maybe this was a bad idea. 

Pop music quietly plays from the speakers on the wall. I quickly locate Eijiro and Bakugo sitting at a booth with their books spread out. My stomach twists in anxiety. 

I still have a whole week to study. I'm sure I could figure it out by myself. No, I'm just kidding myself if I pass up the opportunity to work with someone who actually understands the material. 

I take a moment to debate if I should just leave, but I am stopped when Bakugo's eyes meet mine over the top of Eijiro's seat. I gulp at his glare and walk forward, suddenly aware of my shoes squeaking on the linoleum floor. 

"Oh, you've gotta be kidding me," the blond groans, looking down at my feet. He turns his glare to Eijiro. "You have a problem."

I look at my red haired friend for an explanation. He grins and pokes his foot out from under the table, showing off his red Crocs. He meets Bakugo's dangerous stare with a bright smile. "Are you sure you're not just jealous you don't match us?"

"Hell no," he responds, leaning back in his seat as Eijiro moves over so there's room for me on his side of the bench. "Those are ugly as fuck."

I smirk as I pull out my books and open them. "He's totally jealous," I illuse, turning to Eijiro. "I think we should get him a pair for his birthday."

His pointy smile absolutely glows as he turns to the glaring boy across from us. "Good idea! When's your birthday, dude?"

"As if I'd tell you," he growls in response. 

"C'mon, Ducky. Don't be difficult," I illuse with a shit-eating grin. 

He slams his textbook shut and leans across the table to get in my face, anger written all over his features. "I don't have to help you study, you know, Curly."

"Alright," I illuse, sighing. "I'll find out one way or another." His eyes narrow at me and I narrow mine in return. 

Ah man, it sure is fun to tease him.

Eijiro coughs to get our attention. We both look over at him as he says, "hey, can I get some help with this problem?"

I pull out my notebook and start working on my own review sheet, only to realize I've already done as much as I could before I got completely lost. I tune into what Bakugo is explaining to Eijiro, but it's something I already know, so I take out my phone and send a quick text. After a moment, I receive a reply.

"April 20th," I illuse. Both boys turn to me, Eijiro's face conveying confusion where Bakugo's is contorted into anger and disbelief. "His birthday is April 20th."

"How the hell?" 

I lift my phone, waving it. "You seem to forget your mother gave me her number." I relish the shade of red his angry face becomes. My phone buzzes again, so I open the message only to laugh. "Oh, look at that! You were such a cute kid! What happened?" I turn the screen to them to show a picture of a tiny blonde toddler, bundled up in a fluffy coat, standing proudly with a giant smile next to a messily made snowman. 

Bakugo lunges across the table, but I illuse white noise to catch him and force him back down while I put away my phone. His bottom lip juts out, his face still red with anger, when I won't let him up. It occurs to me that he's pouting. He's doing a pretty poor job at it, but then again, it's his actual anger taking over his features, not the expression I have trained myself to master.

"Why the hell aren't you studying?" He decides to change the subject. I let the sound fade, hoping he isn't still planning on attacking me. 

"Cause I'm confused," I admit, looking down at my woefully blank paper. 

He groans, scrubbing his face with his hand. "Which part confuses you?"

I walk him through my process for doing the problem, stopping when I have no clue how to continue. He flips through the pages of his own textbook to the section I'm having trouble with and explains (very forcefully, might I add) what to do and how to remember it. 

We study like that for a few minutes before a waitress walks over. She stops in her tracks when she sees Bakugo smacking Eijiro over the head with a rolled up notebook. I notice that the two boys have drinks in front of them and were probably going to get dinner here. I begin to think up evasive maneuvers, staring down at my textbook, pretending to read. I'm not really in the mood to eat when I'm so anxious about looking like an idiot.

"What can I get you, miss?" The waitress asks. 

I glance up at her only to look down again, illusing, "just water, thanks." 

People are often disturbed when I "speak" without opening my mouth, so I've taken to just facing away from them when addressing them. It's something I've had to become used to ever since people started recognizing me. I've been posting dance videos to my Twitter account to keep my name in the rotation, as per Mic's advice, but it's also gotten me recognized a lot more.

After taking the boys' orders, the waitress leaves and we get back to studying. I try my best to work by myself, but I can't get past the next problem either. After a few fruitless attempts, I swallow my pride and ask Bakugo for help.

In the middle of his explanation, their food comes out. I sip my water as they dig in. Finally, Bakugo explains the concept in a way I understand, so I finish the page of problems by myself while they eat. 

After finishing his food, Eijiro stands to go to the bathroom while I struggle with the next section. The blonde across from me sighs and slides a dish of carrots and celery over in my direction. I meet his red eyes with a questioning look. 

"You have the appetite of a fuckin' rabbit," he growls, turning in his book to the same section I'm working on. 

I push the celery to all one side and take a bite out of a carrot. "Thank you," I sign, but he's not looking at me. His eyebrows are furrowed at the bowl. 

"What are you, Mute, too good for celery?" He snaps. 

I sigh and lean back in the booth. Looking him directly in the eye with an unamused expression, I illuse, "I hate celery with every fiber of my being."

His eyebrows raise the slightest bit before crashing back down in annoyance. He grabs the handful of celery stalks out of the bowl and puts them on his own plate. "Fine then," he growls, taking a bite out of one. "Eat even less. See if I care."

I roll my eyes and continue nibbling on my carrot stick as Eijiro comes back to the table. 

And so us three continue to meet for the rest of the week to go over problems we still have. I mainly correct their English and talk through some science questions with them. I need an embarrassing amount of help with history, but they both help me with that. I can't really be blamed for that though. I only have a couple years of Japanese history under my belt while they have their whole lives' worth. 

•°•°•°•

It all comes down to the last day of the written exams. Math and history on the same day. To make matters worse, math is in the morning, so my hand is shaking from my regular morning nerves and I can barely read my own handwriting where history is in the afternoon, so I only have a short amount of time to purge all the calculus from my brain and quickly memorize important information that didn't find its way into long term storage in my brain. 

When time is up, Koda collects our row's exams, then I walk straight out, not even bothering to celebrate with the rest of the class. I had put my hair in two braids to keep it out of my eyes, but they were removed about 10 minutes into my first exam so I could run my hands through my hair. Somehow, it helps me when I'm concentrating. However, as a result, my hair is one big frizzy mess. I yank it back as tight as I can and put it into the ballerina bun I'm so accustomed to doing. 

I rub my eyes with the heels of my hands, trying to chase away both the afterimage of those stupid answer bubbles and my frustrated tears that threatened to emerge too many times. 

"Hey Koto!" A voice calls out behind me. I school my features into a calm and relieved expression before turning around. Eijiro runs up to me with Bakugo trailing behind him. "We were gonna stop by the cafe for a celebratory drink. Wanna come?"

I take in his joyful expression with an apologetic smile, meanwhile the floodgates are threatening to break any second. He's too confident that we all did well. I know I failed. I had to. Throughout the week, I had witnessed him ask questions and grasp the subject whereas I sat in silent embarrassment, not feeling like I was getting any better. 

"Can't, I've got ballet," I sign, shrugging as Bakugo leans up against the wall next to us. 

"But that's not for another couple hours," Eijiro argues. Why did I ever tell him my schedule?

"I can't have sugar before rehearsal."

Am I lying? Yes. Does he know that? Nope. Of course I feel a little bad, but I don't know how much longer I can keep my tears in. 

He frowns, but I try not to look at his face. "C'mon, at least come hang out with us."

"Sorry," I sign quickly. "Maybe some other time."

I walk backwards down the hall, trying to get away from Eijiro's crestfallen face and Bakugo's calculating glare. Although, I'm starting to be convinced that's his normal expression and his face is just stuck like that.

It takes an immense amount of willpower to not run to the footlockers and sprint out of the building, but I walk a brisk pace. Finally, I make it out of the school into the humid, summer air. The clouds in the sky blur as my eyes overflow with tears. They finally spill down my cheeks, but I don't move to wipe them away when I can feel people's eyes on me from behind. I don't know whether it's real or just paranoia, but I walk off the path anyway, cutting through the trees until I come across the place I had found Bakugo all that time ago. It seems much further in the past than just a few months, but the memory is so vivid I can almost see him sitting at the base of the tree, looking up at me with those angry red eyes as he tries to hide his tears. 

Would things have been different if I hadn't found him that day? I ponder as I sit down, leaning back against the tree. I understand why he chose this spot. I didn't get a chance to appreciate it last time, but it's perfectly secluded. The leaves make a moving mosaic of sunshine on the grass as they sway in the breeze. 

I've almost forgotten my despair when footsteps approach behind me. I hide my face in my hands, too ashamed to face anyone right now. The footsteps stop right next to me and I involuntarily let out a choked sob. 

Somebody is waiting for an explanation that I can't give them. Another sob breaks free. My heart wrenches as all the sadness and stress I've been feeling comes tumbling out. All in front of some unfortunate soul who came after me. There's no other way they found me. Somebody saw me walk into the woods and probably wants me to explain. 

And yet, I squeeze my eyes shut even tighter. The person seems to sense that I'm not looking up any time soon because their feet shift a couple times in place. I expect them to walk away, but instead, I hear them sit down next to me. 

I listen to their slow, quiet breathing as I run my hands over my scalp, tearing out the hair tie so I can grasp at the curls as I cry. 

Eventually, I calm to just uneven breaths. I wipe my eyes and let them open, despite how much I don't want to. I look down at my hands in my lap, covered in smeared makeup, but I can see ash blond hair in my periphery. I'm so stupid, I chastise myself. Pull yourself together already.

I wipe my face again, knowing I'm probably making it worse, but I'm too numb to care. 

"I'm sorry," I illuse. I know my hands are shaking too bad to sign. "But thank you."

"What did I fuckin' do?" Bakugo asks,
incredulous. I look over at him for the first time since he walked over. To his credit, he doesn't flinch at my tear-stained face. Instead, his eyes narrow at me. I'm too emotionally exhausted to try and hide behind my well practiced expressions. 

"I hate when people try to talk to make me feel better when I'm falling apart." I wring my hands in my lap, trying to clean off the makeup. I take a deep breath before illusing what I really want to say. "It always just makes me feel worse. So thank you for not trying to hug me or talk to me or make me feel weak. I know that's not really your style, but just sitting silently did more than you know."

I pull over my backpack and root through it, pulling out a pack of tissues. Wiping my hands off, I open my phone and use the camera to clean up my face. 

"You should invest in waterproof makeup if this is happening all the time," he comments, leaning back against the tree. Despite everything going on in my brain, I let out a silent breath of laughter. 

"Yeah, this was supposed to be."

He scoffs. "Shitty brand, then." I smile, still wiping my face. Casting a glance over at him, I see he's still wearing his usual scowl. "It's pretty fuckin' easy to tell when you're lying. I didn't want to go either, but it's not like you to skip out on something Shitty Hair invites you to. What gives?"

I sigh, crumpling the tissue in my hand. "He was so confident that he did well. And of course you probably aced everything since you always score in the top of the class. I didn't want to be there when I'm so sure I failed."

He stands up, dusting off his pants. "Success isn't fuckin' guaranteed for any of us, Mute. Next time just admit you don't get it instead of pretending to understand."

"Easier said than done," I illuse, looking up at him as my stomach knots up. Being clueless is one of the worst feelings. Why would I ever willingly admit to feeling that way?

He slings his bag over his shoulder and narrows his eyes at me. "When you asked me for help, did you learn shit or not?" He snaps. I look away, ashamed. I may have learned something during our study sessions, but I hated asking for help every time. He always knew the answer. It made me feel weak. Like I was falling behind. 

He takes my silence as an answer. "Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm not a shitty teacher, but don't think I'll help if you don't admit you need it, dumbass," he growls, stalking away. I lean back against the tree, listening to his footsteps growing fainter. 

My negative thoughts refuse to cease even after he's gone. Part of me wishes he didn't leave, if only for the purpose of having a distraction. Sure, he would be all pissy but at least I could mess with him. 

I fan my eyes to try to reduce the redness. Eventually, I feel calm enough to walk home, so I stand and head out. Thankfully, the path is empty, all the other students having already left. I take my usual route home, opening the door to the empty house only to break down in tears again.

------Author's Note------

Hey guys!

We've got some fan art this time around from lovelyavvz!

Thank you for the beautiful portrait of Koto! The eyes are spectacular! And the Disney shirt!

I can't believe this is chapter 40! I never would've expected it to get this far and I'm so grateful! Thank you guys so much for all the love this story has gotten!

Stay safe! Wash your hands! Wear a mask!