Warning: Angst. Be prepared

My angst probably sucks but whatever. I try. Plus I realize I write way too much fluff and happy endings so I decided to do this. Anyways, onto the story!

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He didn't know what was happening exactly. He wasn't quite sure why either. All he knew is that he's terrified. Evan Hansen was backed into a corner as Connor Murphy yelled at him. He didn't know what he was saying. He just knew he was yelling. Fear consumed his thoughts and emotions as hot tears spilled down his cheeks. His stomach twisted into painful knots as his heart beat rapidly against his chest, a familiar pain of heartbreak lingering in his chest.

This was his fault. He knew it was. He said something wrong, and made him angry. He was insecure, his depression and anxiety getting the better of him. He questioned why his friends, Jared, Alana, and Zoe, cared. He questioned why Connor loved him. Looking for reassurance, he stupidly asked Connor the very question he should've kept to himself. It caused something to snap in him, and he blew up right in Evan's face. Looking in his multicolored eyes, he couldn't see anger, instead seeing pain, heartbreak, and sadness.

This was his fault, and he remembered exactly why.

~~~

(Using an excuse to do a flashback haha) "U-um, C-con-Connor..." Evan stuttered, fidgeting with his hands nervously. Connor glanced over at him from his phone, taking an ear bud out to signal he was listening. Evan fidgeted even more before eventually tugging on Connor's jacket, trying to get the anxiety out of him. Connor, on the other hand, recognized that as one of Evan's many signs. Usually that meant he wanted to say something, or he was cold. Considering how much he was shaking, and he didn't seem to want to say anything, he assumed it was the latter.

Unzipping his jacket, he draped it over the smaller males shoulders and pulled the zipper together to keep it on. Satisfied with the blush and small squeak coming from the other, he put the ear bud back in, returning to his phone. Evan blushed more but snuggled into the jacket, enjoying the warmth, even if it did smell like weed and cigarettes. Shaking his head, Evan nervously tugged on Connor's shirt this time. He took a moment to notice he was wearing a My Chemical Romance shirt. The one Evan got him for his birthday.

Connor raised an eyebrow and returned his attention to Evan, turning off the music and removing the ear buds. "What's wrong?" He asked, frowning slightly, worry noticeable on his face. Evan couldn't help but think it was fake. Fake worry. Fake caring. Fake love. The thoughts consumed him, eventually spilling out. Evan spoke his mind for once.

"W-well I just, um... Why? Why Connor? You were always so mean to me and Jared, a-and you never cared. What game are you playing?" Connor's expression was pure shock, but Evan couldn't stop the words from flowing out like water. "You don't really care. I mean, who would care about me anyways? But the fact that you lied really hurts. I trusted you... I loved you, Connor. But it's all fake, isn't it?" Tears started to fall. "You never loved me, did you? You never cared, did you? You just wanted to toy with my emotions, didn't you?"

Connor got up, hands clenched into fists. It hurt, everything he said. He couldn't control his actions as he punched the wall nearby, creating small cracks. His breathing became heavy. He gave the world to Evan, and this is how he's repaid? By getting questioned? By having him doubt their relationship? Before he knew it, he was yelling at Evan, backing him into a corner. That lead them to where they were now.

Evan was pressed against the wall, terrified of the short tempered man in front of him. Connor seemed to calm down and he turned away, heading to the door. Shaking, Evan managed to call out to him. He cringed at how weak and terrified he sounded. "W-Wh-wher-re a-a-are y-yo-ou g-goi-ing?" He stuttered, his voice breaking. "Away. You don't seem to care. You and I, we aren't tied up by some "string of fate"." Connor replied coldly, walking out the door. The door made a small slamming noise as he shut it.

Evan sank down to his knees, tears pooling up in his eyes and streaming down fast like miniature rivers. A small sob escaped his lips as his small frame shook violently, the sobs becoming louder until he was curling up in a ball, sobbing uncontrollably. He would call out Connor's name weakly, shaking. He would've had a panic attack by now, but something was preventing it. He realized why. Connor forgot his jacket, which was still wrapped around him tightly. He shook as he pulled it closer, the warmth seeming to calm him down.

Meanwhile, Connor had drove himself home, holding back the tears threatening to fall. He walked inside and slammed the door shut. No one's home. Good. He headed up to his room and sat on his bed, letting the tears fall. He was angry, but at himself. He didn't know why he yelled at Evan. He's done it before, question their relationship. Every time, he would respond with he cared because Evan had hope in him, and because he was the first person who didn't hate him right away. He clenched the fabric of his shirt and realized he wasn't wearing his jacket. Evan had it.

More tears fell as he tugged on his hair roughly, pulling it out of his face. He was a mess. He shouldn't have done what he did. He hurt him, and intentionally too. It was his fault. He pulled his hair again, his scalp stinging with the pain. Eventually, he stopped, simply sitting on his bed, arms in his lap as he slouched, head down so the tears landed on his arms. He glared at the scars on his arms for no reason before finally grabbing his phone. Opening his texts, he opened Evan's contact.

Connor scrolled through their messages, seeing all the excitement, pain, and times of despair. But the last conversation they had definitely hurt him. It was his idea to go over to help, but he made things worse.

You: Ev can i come over you arent acting like yourself
Seen 4:20

TreeBro: Yeah
TreeBro: But...
TreeBro: Um...
TreeBro: Bever mind
TreeBro: *never mind

You: ok
You: b tjere soon
You: unlock the door
Seen 4:38

Connor sighed in defeat. He pressed the text box and hesitated before starting to type.

You: Evan im so sorry
You: I love you
Sent 6:03

Connor bit his lip hard, making it bleed. He licked the blood off his lip before throwing his phone onto the bed. He got up and started pacing. He heard the door open after what seemed like forever. Great. It's probably his mother, Cynthia. He heard the quiet footsteps come towards him but ignored them. What shocked him was the pair of arms that rested on his sides, something soft pressing against his back. His eyes widened, tears threatening to fall.

*Evan's POV during that time*

Evan finally calmed himself down, curled up in a ball, Connor's jacket almost completely covering him. He heard his phone buzzing on the coffee table. Finally working up the will to get up, he grabbed his phone and checked the messages.

Connor: Evan im so sorry
Connor: I love you
Sent 6:03

He stared at the message, tears forming in his eyes again. He was frozen in spot for a while before he put the jacket on properly, slipping his phone in a pocket. He walked out, making sure to lock the door. Taking a few shaky breaths, he started walking towards Connor's house. They lived about 10 blocks apart but he didn't care. After finally arriving, he tried the door, finding it unlocked. Quietly walking in, he glanced around. No one was home. Good, he didn't want to explain why he was attempting to sneak in.

Making his way upstairs, Evan felt the regret forming in his chest. He shouldn't be here. He drove him away. But his legs didn't listen to his brain, since he made his way up to Connor's room. Slowly and quietly opening the door, Evan peeked in his room. Inside, Connor was pacing back and forth in front of his bed. His face was tear stained, and his expression was a mix of guilt, regret, and pain. Evan's heart dropped. He didn't want to cause that. Quietly, he walked into the room and over to Connor. He realized he noticed his presence, but didn't do anything.

Hesitantly, Evan went up behind Connor and slipped his arms underneath his, resting his hands on the sides of his chest. He pressed his cheek against his back, tearing up as he felt the other tense up. He closed his eyes and waited for something bad to happen. Feeling him move away, Evan let a few tears fall. What he didn't expect was a pair of arms to wrap around his shoulders and pull him into Connor's chest. Evan hugged back, burying his face in his shoulder.

Connor gripped his arms tightly as he held Evan against his chest. Tears slipped down his cheeks as he felt something warm hit his shoulder. He gently moved his arms, wrapping one around his chest, the other one lifting him up from his thighs so he was carrying him bridal style. Evan curled into his chest, moving his arms so they were pressed against his chest. Connor gently laid him on the bed, slipping under the covers with him. Evan clung to his shirt, moving as close as possible.

Connor rubbed his back gently, placing small kisses on his forehead, cheeks, and nose, before connecting their lips. Evan hesitated but kissed back, melting into it. Connor pulled away and kissed everywhere he could reach on his face, earning a small giggle. Satisfied with that response, he kissed his jaw gently, then his neck. Evan sighed in content and moved closer to him. Connor hummed and pulled the blanket further over them, holding him close.

After a while, Evan watched as Connor pulled the blanket up to his chin then start to drift off. Evan was pressed against him, as close as possible. He felt Connor's breath on his neck but didn't care. Although the blanket had slipped off his shoulder, leaving it exposed to the cold air. He pulled the blanket up then nuzzled his face in his neck, earning a small giggle and "that tickles" in response. He giggled and purred as Connor wrapped his arms around him tightly, hands resting on his bare back.

Eventually, the two of them fell asleep. Both having guilt on their minds, but neither wanting to hurt the other again. Of course it would happen again, but maybe not with the same results.

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Dg22: 1859 words, holy shit. That's a lot of angst. Seriously. Wow. Well, uh, I'm just gonna leave. Hope you enjoyed this. Byeeeeeee