Please do not read if you have any triggers at all.

This one-shot is heavily angsty and I do not want to trigger anybody. If you're reading this, it means that I made the decision to publish this chapter.

I was very on the fence about whether to publish or not, since I know many, if not all, of you have triggers. I know I do, just not super strongly. Please please please be careful, and I don't want any comments like,

"Oh, I have triggers but I'll read it anyway haha.".

I want everyone to stay safe; I take triggers very seriously.

I don't want to set anyone back in their process of getting better, because it sucks super bad.

I wrote this originally a week of two ago not feeling that good, and then came back and decided to finish it.

I will reiterate,
DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE ANY TRIGGERS SUCH AS:
ANXIETY
SELF HARMING
SELF ESTEEM ISSUES
HOMOPHOBIA
INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA
PARENTAL ISSUES (them fighting, not approving of you, etc.)
AND A FEW MORE.

Thank you. Stay safe, stay fine, stay spicy, stay hip, and get better.

Joe Shmoe AU
(Check my other Headcanons/Theories book for what that is)

"No thank you" is what I should've said, I should be in bed

"Fuck."

I'm waking up in bed, but not my own. I look to my left and see Evan and Kleinman cuddling and realize that I had been spooning Kleinman. I need to stop doing this.

But temptations of trouble on my tongue, troubles yet to come

"Larry, stop! Connor has finally made friends and you're now barrading him about it?!"

"Cynthia, 'friends' don't leave for the night and come back the next day with disheveld hair!"

Well, both of them aren't exactly right. Things are...complicated...between us three...

It's my fault they're fighting. It's all my fault and if I just dissappeard then this wouldn't be happening.

The pain comforts. I would say in an odd way, but it's no longer odd to me. The redness of my skin isn't enough for me. My longs nails don't satisfy my sadness.

One sip, bad for me

That wasn't the first time; far from it. Parties are a hormonal, internalized homophobia filled, horny, crushing on two guys, teenage boy's nightmare. That was the first time it was all three of us together, but I'm sure all of us had done it with the other two separately once or twice. Or four times.

One hit, bad for me

Evan came over and was stressed. By what, I don't know. He was also anxious. By what, I don't know. Probably people.

I aggressively offer him a blunt I was smoking and he eagerly takes it, catching me off guard. I had lashed out yet again that day, and forgetting was always good for me. Forgetting me would be good for everyone.

It was his first time smoking anything, the only drugs he had ever taken before that was medicine. We shotgunned it, and things escalated from there. Our brains weren't the only things high that night.

One kiss, bad for me

Kleinman had burst into my room through the window one night. He had messed up his friendship with Evan. To be fair, Evan was sorta using him for that dumbass lie, but Evan's intentions were good. Evan's words though, had hit too close to home for Jared.

We talked it through. He was too shaken up and upset to go back. The reason he had come to my room at 2:30 am in the first place was because he wasn't able to sleep. The usually humorous and slightly obnoxious Jared Kleinman had been stripped of his persona and mask.

He kissed me.

I kissed him back.

We were sad.

We were lonely.

We were horny.

Fits like a glove.

But I give in so easily

Larry and Cynthia were fighting again. Probably over me. Scratch that, definitely over me. I was anxious, and music wasn't calming it this time.
Aaa
I was hurting myself like usual, but it's not enough. It's fine that I do this regularly, because it's not really self harming. I'm just scratching myself and stuff like that. Self harming is cutting and starving and shit like that.

But it's not working.

I grab a pencil sharpener and use it. You know full well how.

Let me just say, cutting is overrated. It doesn't hurt enough. It's only a full pain for a few seconds, then it's gone.

...

"Kleinman, I need help."

"What is it hot topic?"

"Just...help."

"Evan's with me, and we're messin' around with alcohol. Wanna come over?"

And no thank you is how it should've gone
I should stay strong

"..."

"So?"

"...yes."

But I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?
Boy, oh boy I love it when I fall for that

That night wasn't as sinful as others. We did cuddle and someone was in the bathroom for like at least 15-20 minutes, but I don't remember. Did he flush?

Ew, he didn't.

I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?
Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that

Relapsing into old habits aren't as bad as people say it is. Hurting helps, and fucking with my crushes also helps. I'm not gay. Because if I were gay, then I would be even more broken than I already am.

Who am I kidding?

I'm already so broken, there's no way to break me more.

I'm weak

I really am. I give in. My addiction, my...comforting, my...friends...

I do feel good about them; I promise that I'm not using them. I just, I just...

But I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?

It's fine that I slip up sometimes, it's fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is awful. Nothing is scary as fuck.

Nothing's wrong with me! I'm fine! I'll grow up and have a fantastic, normal life! A wife, a nice picket fence, barbecues every Fourth of July, two children, a middle class and modest house, possibily a garden. Yeah. That's my future. Not with my fantasies, or with what would happen if my fantasies became more than just fantasy.

Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that
(Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that)

I love falling and slipping up way too much for it to be healthy.

No thank you

Yes, please

They call me after dark, I don't want no part

"So, are you coming to pick it up or not?"

"No, don't worry. I'm coming."

I walk downstairs and right before I'm out the door, my father calls,

"You're going to get more drugs, aren't you?"

"DAD! NOT EVERYONE I MEET IS A DRUG DEALER!"

"So you're meeting your gay friends?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, LARRY! WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?!"

The sad thing is, he's right. On both counts.

My habits, they hold me like a grudge

"Evan, there's nothing wrong with smoking weed. It's not bad for your health."

"That's-that's not what I'm worried about! I'm worried about you getting caught and going to jail!"

"Shut up, Evan! I'm fine!"

"S-sorry..."

Oh shit, I fucked up again. I turn to him and take a hold of his hands, and breaking my heart on the process as I see him flinch, scared that I would hit him. I've never done any such thing before, but just seeing him think I might breaks me and shakes my already unstable emotions.

"No, no don't be sorry. I'm the one who should be sorry. I shouted at you when you just wanted me to be okay. I promise I'll think about it. I'll try to stop. Okay?"

"O-okay! Wait, you're listening to me!"

"...-y-yes?"

"It's just that, you don't usually do listen to me when I try to help."

I do that? Oh no, I do that!

"I promise that I'll do my very absolute best to never yell at you again."

"Thank you Connor."

He smiles up at me and buries his face in the crook of my neck and falls asleep. Oh yeah that's something he does a lot since I'm such a tall ass.

I promise I won't budge

I frown as he falls asleep, already knowing that one of those promises will never be fulfilled.

And we all know which one it is.

One sip, bad for me
One hit, bad for me
One kiss, bad for me
But I give in so easily
And no thank you is how it should've gone

"I really shouldn't be here! I need to go Jared!"

"Con, it's 5:00 am! Come on, stay here! It's not safe for someone as frail as you."

I giggle,

"Your insults don't hurt me Kleinman. And, my parents are going to be even more mad if I'm not home."

"One, they're not supposed to. Second, since when do you care about what your parents think?"

"Since they have the power to ban me from seeing you."

"Oh, so you do love us?"

"Shut up."

We banter and giggle back and forth.

Jared straightens our his face and breathes out,

"But, seriously. Please, stay."

"Hey, it's either stay tonight or wait 2 weeks."

"Ugh, why do you have to be right!"

"Suck it, Kleinman."

"By it you mean you, right?"

"...bye."

I walk downstairs and leave. I think he looks hurt, but who cares. Not me. I don't care. Because why should I care.

I don't care.

I should stay strong
But I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?

Everything. Everything is wrong with that.

I'm supposed to be a man; I'm graduating in less than a year and I'm in no place to be an adult.

My perfect image of my life from when I was little has been shattered and beat into the ground; six feet under to be exact. Everything I just assumed has been changed and re-contemplated.

Will I have children?

Will I have a wife?

Will I ever even date a girl?

Will I ever be rid of this overwhelming anxiety

and fear

and homophobia

and self loathing

-an-and this blade.

I threw it away last week. I've heard all the warnings, I've heard all the messages, I've heard all the P.S.A.s but the thought of it tempts me so much.

They always say listen to your gut, right?

I take back what I said.

Cutting feels fantastic.

Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that
I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?
Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that
I'm weak
But I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?
Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that

I love you, but I hate myself. Sometimes my love for you is so strong that I forget, just for a moment, how horrible and disgusting I am.

We, we fall for that
Wake up, we fall again

It feels like a vicious cycle.

Wake up, fuck up, drink up, cry, sleep, repeat.

Sometimes I don't cry though.

Sometimes I'm angry. Sometimes I'm envious. Sometimes I'm lustful. Sometimes I'm selfish and greedy. I only cry a little.

My emotional range is too broad and too shaky to just stick to crying.

God, I wish I just cried.

That would be so much easier.

We, we fall for that
Can't wait to fall again

Oh, not matter how wrong it is, I love it.

I love the cycle more than I hate it.

I've surrounded my day and plan around the cycle; I accept it and utilize it. I make sure not to hang out with anyone near 11 p.m. unless planning on getting drunk and/or high with them. I double check the lock on the bathroom. I chug water before bed, not wanting to get up in the middle of the night for water once I'm spent and not wanting to be dehydrated either. Condoms are in my drawer, always ready for when they might come over.

The cycle is vicious and accustomed  to. And like all pain I experience,

I relish and love every second of it.

One sip, bad for me
One hit, bad for me
One kiss, bad for me
But I give in so easily
And no thank you is how it should've gone
I should stay strong
But I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?

I'm scared of getting better.

What would my life be like without The Cycle? My life is The Cycle. If I get better, what would my life be without The Cycle?

Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that
I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?
Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that
I'm weak
Go!
But I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?

...

I've just graduated, kissing Jared and Evan. I'm happy. In this moment, I'm happy and terrified.

I can't do this.

What is this, you ask?

Everything.

Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that

I've fallen back in, still living with my parents. We three have all decided to take a year off before starting college.

What am I going to do?

Okay, let me just add:

Not all of the stuff in this chapter are problems I have. For example, I love my parents. They're great parents. HOWEVER,

I vent through writing, and Connor's parents aren't the best. They pretend as if he doesn't need special attention and treat like any other "normal" (normal is in quotes for a reason) kid when he needs special assistance. This is not to insult, just that he needs a little more help than others. I'm bad at wording, so please say something if this sounds offensive, as that is not my intent.

Please don't be worried; I've been getting better and this was originally written a couple weeks ago, so I'm fine now.

Okay, see ya later! 👋