Smudge | smej | noun; a blurred or smeared mark on the surface of something: a smudge of blood on the floor.- New Oxford American Dictionary.

Chapter twenty one; smudge

"That was an amazing service. The worship team was just so great this week." My mom tries for conversation on the way back from church but I remain silent, my thoughts somewhere far away as I watch the trees and houses fly by in a blur. "But then again, I seem to say that every Sunday don't I?" She laughs.

I give her a small smile and a nod but keep my mouth closed.

It's not that I'm upset or moping around because there's really no reason for that. It's more like all I do is think and I just can't seem to stop. I walk around like some zombie and every day passes; memories of the hours a blank in my mind. It's like I'm a broken record.

Eat, sleep, nod, smile and start over.

It really shouldn't be this complicated. But every time I tell myself to just pick up the phone and call him my mind spazzes out and I can't think of anything to say whatsoever.

I even did it once. He picked up and as soon as I heard his voice I freaked and hung up. End of story.

I sigh, my mind wandering and scattering into a million different places.

"Call him and quit your sulking. We all know you like him so just get over your pride and do it."

My head snaps in my mother's direction, my cheeks turning scarlet when Ray chuckles in the back seat. Great, the one Sunday he finally decides to get his butt to church it happens to be today of all days.

"Mom." I groan, my head hitting the headrest hard. I bring my hands up to my face to cover up the embarrassment. "It's not that easy."

"Come on, Lovely. You know it is." A voice from the back pipes up.

"What do you know, Ray?" I snap at my brother before closing my mouth tightly to restrain from saying anything else.

"Well for one, I have a girlfriend."

"She made the first move." I stick my tongue out at him in defiance.

He smirks, a dark eyebrow raised. "How do you know?"

I gasp, looking over at my mom who just laughs and shakes her head. "You're despicable."

"And you're single."

Let's just say that the rest of the ride is spent in angry silence.

* * * *

For the rest of the day I ponder over what my mom and Ray said. But overall I can't seem to get Lila's words out of my head.

I know I'm being a coward and if I want something I should just go for it. But it's not like he's made any moves to talk to me either...then again; if it's as difficult for him as it is for me at this moment then I get why.

So for the millionth time I pick up my phone, his contact glaring up at me. Beckoning.

I bite my lip, my thumb hovering over the button. Just one touch away...

Buzz

The phone vibrates and I jump where I am, almost dropping the thing.

"Hello?" I breathe, recovering from the scare; my heart still pounding from how close I was to finally doing it.

"Lovely."

My heart beats faster and faster and faster and –

"Art." The smile happens on reflex.

His laugh echoes through the phone and I almost pinch myself to see if it's real. "There you go, using that nickname again."

"It suits you I guess." I reply, my mind completely shutting down. I can't think.

"How are you?" His voice is soft like velvet. It rolls over me in such a genuine interest in my wellbeing that my brain can hardly function.

HInsisnvisifnvruhgrnvonrigornvnuahfrbnwjovnorhjvirnvje.

...

Form real words please.

"Um – I – well..." Come on Lovely, spit it out. "I miss you." No, not that!

He doesn't say anything at first. I can hear him breathing through the phone and suddenly I would pay or do anything to know what he's thinking.

He clears his throat and I instantly tell myself I've said the wrong thing. "Do you..." He pauses, "...wanna go do something. I don't know maybe get some ice cream or something?" He laughs.

I almost cry in relief. "Okay."

After I awkwardly hang up I let out a nervous laugh before running to my closet and flinging the doors open.

Not too casual but not too...not casual.

I look around my closet about a thousand times before groaning. "I'm putting way too much thought into this. It's just Arthur."

Right. Just Arthur.

So with that, I settle for a pair of black and white striped Adidas leggings with a pale pink T-shirt and my old converse. I stop by my mirror to fix my mascara and concealer before pulling my hair out of its previous bun, the locks falling over my shoulders.

Good enough.

I make sure I have my phone and some money before grabbing my keys off of my bedside table and jogging downstairs.

I open the door, ready to leave.

"Woah whoa whoa. Where are you going in such a hurry?" Ray asks with his mouth full of Chinese takeout.

I smile sweetly. "Arthur and I are going to hang out."

His eyes go wide. "Wait what – "

I shut the door on his sentence, smiling to myself as I make my way to my car. But I'm stopped by a pair of extremely bright headlights. My hand comes up to shield my squinting eyes.

When the lights finally dim I blink, looking straight at a familiar black Wrangler.

"Well if it isn't my old friend, Lovely Bates." He comes out grinning, his hair disheveled. Like Ray, he seems to be in need of a haircut. But...I must admit it looks pretty good on him.

"That's me." I laugh, not really sure what to do. Do you I hug him? Shake his hand? Stand here like an idiot? Well, I've got that last one down.

"How've you been?" He gives me that goofy smile of his and all of my anxiety about seeing him again completely disappears.

I walk close enough the see the freckles across his nose in our dim porch lights. "I'm...okay. How about you?"

"I've missed you too." He answers my previous comment so abruptly and nonchalantly that I have to double take in order to process it properly.

I swallow as he steps forward, my heart beating so loud I'm almost positive Ray can hear it from inside.

I'm about to hyperventilate and pass out but manage to calm down when his hand grabs mine gently. "Shall we? I'm really craving some vanilla bean. Four scoops. Maybe five since I'm feeling extra adventurous." He winks.

I laugh as he leads me to the jeep, opening the passenger side door to allow me access. I slide in, giving him one last smile before he shuts the door. I have about two seconds to breathe in the smell of his car and stale oil paint before he hops in and starts the car.

We talk on the way there. I'm not really sure what about because all my brain can handle right now is the fact that we're really sitting here. Together. And the way his fingertips drum on the steering wheel in a way that's both mesmerizing and soothing.

I laugh weakly at something he says but it must not have been meant to be funny because he glances at my strangely. My cheeks go red. "Are you okay, Love? I mean really okay?" He asks, his eyebrows furrowing together. My heart warms at his concern.

I sigh, watching cars pass us and fall behind. "I think so. It's just kind of different between us now isn't it?" I look over to see him staring straight ahead, his chest rising and falling. The street lights shine through his window around him and I realize I don't fear the answer nearly as much as I thought I would.

"Yeah but...not in a bad way. At least I don't think so. You're still one of my best friends. That doesn't have to change."

I watch him as he drives. There's something strangely satisfying about watching a guy drive. I'm not sure if it's just because they're guys or if their masculinity makes it look so...masculine.

"I hope not." I smile.

He doesn't answer as we pull into the small late night ice cream establishment. The colorful sign is almost blinding.

We climb out of the car and walk into the small building, the bell jingling behind us.

"Welcome to Sweet Cream how can I help you." The teen girl slouches behind the cash register as she speaks in a monotone voice; my eyes involuntarily staring at the hoop in her bottom lip and the colorful dyed spikes in her hair.

"Um...I'll take five scoops of vanilla bean and she'll have three of the strawberry." He orders for me. I glare at him but on the inside I'm flattered he knew me well enough to know what I would have ordered.

"Hey I can eat more than three scoops." I jokingly complain.

"Make it five scoops of strawberry." He corrects, looking over at me with an eye roll.

After debating and arguing, he pays the glaring girl. I try to shove what I owe into his pocket but he backs away with a laugh.

"Lovely, there's no way I'm letting you pay. Sorry." I get the feeling he isn't very sorry.

We receive our ice cream soon after and make our way back outside.

Arthur suggests that we take a little drive and eat. Of course I don't really put up too much of a fight.

Before we pull out of the parking lot I hear a buzzing sound. My head jerks upward to see the top of the vehicle rolling backward to rest. I smile up at the night sky as we cruise down the road to someplace unknown to me.

I happily take bites of my large ice cream bowl until we finally drive up to what looks like a deserted dock. We park up to the water and soon the rumble of the engine is replaced with the soft hum of the radio and comfortable silence.

He turns, looking straight at me. "You wanna sit in the back?"

I glance warily at the three conjoined seats behind me, knowing that me that close to Arthur can't end very well. But I agree nonetheless.

Once seated comfortably on either side of the backseat with me curled against the seat, my legs tucked against me and him with one arm over the back and one leg resting on the seat, the other hanging over and on the floor, we just look at each other for a few moments before I smile and look away at the dark water.

We talk for a while about little things and big things while we devour our ice cream, time seeming nonexistent and soon the moon is highest in the sky and I'm afraid to check my phone for the time.

"So you really don't like Dr. Pepper?" I gasp and he shakes his head apologetically.

"Sorry I just...I'm more of a Root Beer kind of guy." He shrugs laughing dryly.

I pretend to be offended, placing my hand on my chest and scoffing. "Well that's it then. We can no longer be friends." I state.

The humorous twinkle in his eye tempts me to break my serious façade, the dimple in his cheek almost coaxing a smile onto my face.

"Well if that's so then this is a sad day for me indeed." He presses his lips together firmly.

"Oh I don't know...I think I'm getting the better end of the deal for sure." I tease, no longer able to hold back a grin when his face falls.

"Hey now." Arthur exclaims. "I think I'm a pretty great friend. Or are you forgetting how I let you practically clean me out of sour punch straws?"

"Oh brother, you don't even like them." I roll my eyes.

"That's beside the point."

"Uh huh." I hum disbelievingly.

"It's almost eleven." He informs me not looking too overly concerned over the fact.

My eyes widen. My mom is going to kill me.

I voice my thoughts and he furrows his thick shaped brows in concern. "I'm not getting you into trouble am I?"

Probably but it's so worth it.

"Nah. I'll just text her and let her know where I am and I'm sure it'll be fine." Hopefully.

He peers at me suspiciously before nodding. "Okay that's a relief."

We sit for a bit just listening to the crickets and wind off the water. A breeze brushes over my skin, my eyes closing contently.

"Lovely can I ask...what happened to your dad?" He speaks so quietly I almost believe it was all in my head. Just me being paranoid but no.

I stiffen, keeping my eyes away from his as his words hit a nerve deep down. Somewhere I never want to be again.

My eyes threaten to tear up, my face growing warm with emotion and I'm tempted to bolt. To escape and avoid this moment at all costs.

At all costs.

I close my eyes, the image of my father smile fading with each day...no longer fresh in my memory the way I wished it always would.

"Cancer." I whisper it into the night like a curse word. A fowl dirty word that should never be inflicted upon anyone so unworthy of such a thing as my precious father. "Stage four." My voice cracks but I'm far too upset to feel embarrassed.

Once I start speaking I can't seem to stop. "The day after my thirteenth birthday they uh...they gave me a book. On leukemia." I laugh bitterly. "I took it and read it like they asked, reading of the cause, the treatments and the chances of survival.

"Did you know that eight thousand, five hundred and forty six people die from leukemia each year?" I ask him, pulling my knees to my chest.

"No I didn't know that." He replies calmly and quietly. I can feel his eyes on me and it almost burns my skin like the rays of the sun.

"He had a fifty percent chance of survival." I whisper, "But a fifty percent chance that the treatments would fail. I actually thought he would live too. I prayed...I swear I did. Every day for six months I prayed for him."

I'm sobbing now, my leggings wet from the tears dripping silently from my chin. I sniff once to help myself breathe a little easier, my breaths ragged and desperate.

I finally find the courage to drag my gaze to his expecting to see pity. Expecting him to apologize for asking and drop it like I want him to. Or the way I think I want him to.

But all I see in his eyes is compassion. Understanding.

The smell of cologne and peppermint engulfs me as he slides closer. "It's okay. I'm here." He speaks strong and true and before I can control it I surge forward, letting him wrap his arms around me silently.

My body shakes as I let go, my hands grasping the back of Arthur's neck with my fingertips, my face in his shoulder.

Let go of my dad and say goodbye.

Let go of the hold that it had on me.

Because when that tumor stopped my father's heart...it stopped mine too.