Dot |dat| noun; a small round mark or spot: a symbol depicted in colored dots. – New Oxford American Dictionary.

Chapter twenty; dot

Five days have passed since the incident with Jonathan and Lila. I don't bring it up and neither odes Ray. I suppose we've decided that it's best that we never do.

            Lila seems to feel better every day and I feel like part of that is due to Ray's never wavering friendship and loyalty.

            Speaking of Ray today is a pretty special day for him. Or...at least I think it's special. Ray doesn't get too excited over birthdays since our dad died.

            "Come on Ray just a small party?" I plead. He glares at me and takes a bite of the French toast, strawberries, and whipped cream mom and I made him for his birthday breakfast.

            "No, Lovely. It's not that big of a deal."

            "Yes. It really is. Come on, you're sixteen! Do something crazy." I grab his arm and shake it a little.

            "Can I invite Arthur?" He shoots at me with a matter of fact look and my stomach drops.

            I haven't seen Arthur in almost two weeks and it's killing me. But I can't see him. Not yet anyway.

            "You guys aren't even really friends I mean –"

            "Okay well in that case I'm not having a party. If you don't have to step out of your comfort zone neither do I." He shrugs.

            I sigh, knowing his right. Albeit annoying, he's right.

            "Are you at least going to invite some friends over?" I coax.

            He rolls his eyes and sets down his fork now that he's literally inhaled his breakfast.

            "Joey's probably going to come hang out." He shrugs. "And uh...Lila is going to come later tonight and we're going to watch a movie or something." He blushes, his eyes never in one place.

            I smirk and ruffle his hair. "A romantic movie?"

            "Shut up." He glares.

            I laugh and take his plate from him, bringing it to the sink and absentmindedly scrubbing the contents off into the sink.

            Over the past several days I've come to terms with the fact that although he hasn't confessed to it, Ray has a crush on Lila. And...there's a pretty big chance she feels the same way. Though it hurts my feelings that she doesn't feel like she can tell me.

            The two have been texting, calling, Face-Timing and hanging out nonstop for a while...even when her and Jonathan were dating they were really close.

            And – dare I say – even closer than she and I have been these days.  This makes me feel absolutely awful. Both for myself and for her.

            I've mentioned it to her once or twice and all she said was that the two of them have helped each other in ways that I just couldn't...no matter how much I wanted to.

            And while the fact that my brother and best friend seem to be linked at the hip bothers me, I can't help but feeling relieved and grateful that they got the attention they needed.

            But now there are moments where I'm just downright uncomfortable.

            "None of your business." He shoots back, his dark hair curling behind his ears; a clear sign that he's in need of a haircut.

            "Everything concerning my best friend is my business. Plus, she'll tell me anyway so you might as well just tell me now." I do my best to convince him.

            He gives me a perturbed eye roll, his green eyes still showing signs of sleep. "Don't even try that. It's not like it's a huge secret I just don't feel like telling you."

            I stick my tongue out at him in defiance before leaving the room and checking up on my mom.

            "So what's the plan for Ray's birthday party?" I lean against her doorpost, peering in at the spotless abode. "Because...clearly he's not throwing one."

            "So?" She raises an eyebrow, seated in her chair as she squints into her vanity mirror; her arms up in the middle of French braiding her chestnut locks.

            "What do you mean 'so'?" I air quotations. "He's turning sixteen. That's a big deal and should be celebrated!"

            "Exactly, honey. He's sixteen now so we can't go planning his parties for him. And frankly, if not throwing a party is the worst decision he makes as a sixteen year old boy; I'll throw a party myself." She states with a nod.

            I leave a trail of groans all the way up to my bedroom at my mother's complete disregard for the situation.

            I'm not really sure why I care so much about this. Maybe it's the fact that I never had a sweet sixteen and want to live bi-curiously through Ray (hopefully that's not it) or I simply want him to live life and have fun after all these years of sulking and being basically the most morbid person I knew.

            I just genuinely want to see him happy.

            But I suppose if not having a party will make him happy then I'm cool with.

            Plus there's no way I'm caving and letting him invite Arthur. I just can't face him after everything that's happened. Just thinking about talking it through makes me feel like I'm going to throw up.

            I let out a shaky breath through my mouth, the memory of his hands shaking as he hands me the notebook filled with nothing but me still fresh in my mind.

            "Ugh, why can't I just forget?" I groan, falling onto my mattress with my hands over my eyes as if it'll help keep the images out of my mind.

            I just can't wrap my mind around it. How could someone just...fake it so good? No mess ups. And if he did I surely didn't notice.

            Maybe guys like him really are too good to be true. If he lied so easily about this then who's to say he won't do it again?

            But the thought of just shutting him out forever brings a bad taste in my mouth and a sinking feeling in my stomach. I want to trust him...I really do.

            "I just don't know how." I whisper to no one.

            "Knock knock." A voice brings me out of my stupor and I sit up, finding my best friend before me.

            I smile, glad to have her here to comfort me even if she doesn't realize my inner turmoil. "Hey, Ray said you weren't coming until later."

            She shrugs a mischievous grin on her face and a sparkle in her eye. I rarely see her so happy. "I have a few surprises up my sleeve." She bites her lip anxiously.

            My curiosity kicks in top notch and I immediately stand. "Like?"

            She looks at my door as if he could be listening at behind the wood before leaning in and whispering, "Come outside and I'll show you."

            My eyebrows furrow at the request but I follow nonetheless. We somehow manage to sneak past Ray in the living room waiting for Joey to show by taking the back door.

            "Does he know you're here at all?" I whisper even though we've already made it outside and we're in the clear.

            She smiles, tucking a strand of mousy brown hair behind her ear, tawny eyes shimmering in the sunlight. "Not yet. I wanted that to be a surprise too." We round the house, our driveway in view.

            I stop her, grabbing her arm. She looks startled when she sees my expression. "Lila, in all seriousness..." I begin, knowing after I ask there's no going back, "Do you have feelings for Ray?"

            She doesn't seem surprised, her face straight and sure. Maybe even a little relief flashes in her eyes. She sighs, looking at the house as if she can see straight through the walls and into the living room where he sits.

            I watch as a subtle smile and a faint blush peaks through her demeanor, her bottom lip disappearing behind her teeth before she laughs giddily.

            "I do." She breathes almost to herself. Her eyes go wide and her head snaps towards me. I can't help but smirk knowingly at her small panic. "I like Ray. Like...a lot. Ray - as in - your little brother." She swallows.

            I laugh, grabbing her by the shoulders. "It's great that you finally admit it."

            She peeks at me through her lashes, embarrassed. "You're not mad?"

            I think about this before giving her my honest opinion, "I admit that it's strange. And weird. And kind of crazy but..." I look into her eyes, seeing the admiration for Ray and the courage to admit to it in each one and I know..."there's no one I'd trust more with him. Same to him for you. I love you both so much and if you make each other happy then well...who am I to get in the way?"

            Lila wipes away a stray tear before pulling me into a hug. I squeeze her tight, knowing that soon these moments will be rare and I'll have to see it happen with someone else. The moment is bitter/sweet for me but Lila looks like she's on top of the world.

            I give her a supportive smile. "Go get him tiger."

            She laughs nervously and I follow her the rest of the way to the "surprise".

            After being shown the gift I feel just as excited as Lila, my eyes still wide in shock. And I might possibly be a little bit jealous. Just a little.

            I follow a nervous Lila into the house, biting my lip in an effort to keep a straight face, not wanting to ruin the surprise.

            Ray's eyes come up from his phone casually before resting on Lila. With a jump he shoves his phone into his jacket pocket, fixing his navy blue V-neck. "Lila." He clears his throat before standing up, subtly pulling up his light washed ripped jeans. "I thought you weren't coming until later?" He says it like a question, as if he could be wrong even when he knows he's right. Ugh, guys in love.

            She smiles with a shrug. "What can I say; I'm a girl of many surprises." She winks at me.

            He doesn't seem to see the action, his eyes fixated on Lila. I must say that I didn't notice until now but she look absolutely stunning in a V-neck baby blue spaghetti strap sundress, her hair down in loose curls. Her feet are bare but it just seems to add to the look.

            "Now come on, there's something I saw outside that I think you'll really like." She sings, grabbing his arm and pulling him out the door. He looks back at me in question but I play it off with a shrug and a fake confused look like I have no idea.

            I run and wave for my mom to get outside. Thankfully she doesn't argue or ask questions and follows me out the front door. We both stand on the porch quietly.

            Ray still looks completely confused and clueless and Lila still look excited and nervous at the same time.

            "What's going on?"

            "Shush. It's my gift to you." She tells him, pulling out her phone and dialing a number. "Okay, we're ready." She says into the device before hanging up.

            I smile knowingly as a loud motor rings in the distance (down the street and out of sight to be exact) and soon I see it.

            Ray's mouth drops open just as the matte blacked out Harley is pulled into our driveway, his eyes practically bugging out of his head. "What?"

            Lila laughs loudly, grinning wildly up at my brother. After the man driving the bike shuts off the motor Lila thanks him and gives him the keys to her car. "Tell my mom and dad I'll be home later...Ray can give me a ride, right?" She elbows him but he seems to be in shock.

            "Lila..." He looks at her and then back at the bike. "How did you –"

            "I just know you." She cuts in, meeting his eyes. I watch as he grins, rushing to her and picking her up off her feet, legs swinging as he spins her around. I laugh as she lets out a little scream before being set back down, his arms around her still.

            "You're crazy, you know that?" He laughs loudly and pulls her into a hug, his face tucked into her shoulder.

            "Happy Birthday." I barely hear her say in his shoulder, a tear running down her cheek.

            And that's when I see Ray in way I've never seen before. He pulls away slightly to look at her. With more admiration and appreciation than moments ago as he saw his gift. With more care and more thankfulness than I've ever seen him give.

            And with a smile on his face he kisses her sweetly. I look away at my mom to see her crying happily and I can't help but laugh a little. I never thought I'd be here right now. Watching my best friend in the whole world find happiness with my little brother.

            But I guess he's not so little now.

            With his forehead rested against hers he says something only she can hear, her eyebrows pulling together as tears fall before nodding. Her hands clasp around his neck as she pulls him in, planting a kiss on his cheek before they separate.

            We all make our way back into the house, not talking about what just happened. Not that there is a need to. It's just one of those times that deserve a moment of silence.

            Joey finally arrives moments later, completely baffled by the hot ride in the driveway. Ray casually explained what happened (leaving out the part about him kissing Lila) only to receive a low whistle from the blonde haired boy.

            We spend the rest of the night making use of the light and carefree aura that's brought by a brand new year and the joys of love and carefree unadulterated happiness.

            At least I tried my best.

            "Hey." Lila sits next to me on the couch. "I come baring cake." I grab the plate of vanilla ice cream cake and set it in my lap.

            "Thanks." I give her a small smile. "How are things with Ray so far?" I ask.

            She laughs. "Best two hours of my life so far. But I get the feeling that Ray and I aren't really what's on your mind. So...out with it." She nudges me with her elbow, taking a large bite of cake.

            I almost deny it and blow it off seeing as I really don't want to confront my thoughts and not to mention my feelings but...Lila always has a way with helping me sort through my many problems. "It's just..." I try and find the words, "I thought that things were one way and now...I find out that they've been completely different the entire time. And I just feel so stupid." I exclaim, rubbing my forehead in frustration.

            She stays silent for a few seconds. "Why? Why do you feel stupid?"

            "I don't know."

            "Yes. You do...you're forgetting I know you."

            I lick my lips, trying my best to hold back the tears. "I – I just feel...deceived. And like everyone got the joke and I just – I don't."

            "Lovely, what joke? Arthur wasn't meaning to hurt you, you have to know that." She places a hand on my arm.

            "I'm just scared."

            "Scared of what? Of living? Of – of stepping outside your box, putting down your journal and facing your feelings? You can't hide behind your writing anymore, Love. You can't be afraid to get hurt because it's a part of life. I'm sorry but that's just the way it is. And you need to decide pretty quick how you want to live yours. Do you want to live safely with no adventure, no love, and no heartbreak? Or do you want Arthur?" She laughs out of the nature of the speech. I sit there, baffled.

            I want to be mad at her but I can't bring myself to feel it.

            She's right. I'm afraid to feel and it's already costed me too much. And there's no way I'm letting it happen again.

            She must see it on my face because she smiles, giving me a pat on the leg. "You can do this. Let it go and forgive him. I'm sure you'll make a mistake one of these days and you'll hope for him to forgive you too."

            "Geez." I laugh, tears drying on my cheeks, "When did you get so deep?"

            She shrugs. "Turns out I'm dating an artist too." She sighs dreamily when Ray meets her gaze and motions for her to come. I don't get an explanation because she practically floats over there no questions asked.

            My eyebrows furrow as I try and figure out what she means.

            But those thoughts are overwhelmed by the anxious question lingering over my head.

            What do I do next?