Chapter 29

Colt Pov

My hands were shaking as I scrolled through my unread emails. At the same time, my organ inside my chest almost suffocated me due to too much blood pumping. I barely breathe as my eyes scan through my emails. I can also feel the heat under my eyes.
 
I'm not a fan of reading emails. Usually my secretary reads this for me. At ngayon lang ako nagka-interes buksan ito dahil may importante daw'ng files na sinend si Raphael sa akin. That is why I personally open my email account. But I didn't expect to see emails coming from Johannes. 

Nawala na sa isip ko ang pinadalang files ni Raphael sa akin dahil nagscroll nalang ako. Hinanap ko ang katulad noong email na pinadala ni Johannes sa akin. At hindi ko inakala na ang dami na pala noon.

Kinuyom ko ang kamay ko bago naisipang buksan ang pinaka-unang email na pinadala nito sa akin. Matagal na ito. Kaya siguro di ito sinasabi ng secretary ko sa akin dahil baka inaakala noon spam emails o chain email lang ito.

My dearest babe,

Beibu, I'm so sorry. Yeah. It is my first draft of a message for you, yet the introductory part was not good—it is not that pleasing and catchy. But no matter how much I think and contemplate things.  Makita man kita, makausap man kita o sa kahit anumang sitwasyon ay iyan pa rin ang unang-una kong masasabi sayo. Beibu, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for hurting you. I'm so sorry for not being a good and downright loving boyfriend to you. I'm so sorry for being an asshole and a bastard. I'm so sorry for keeping secrets from you. I'm so sorry that it took me months before I finally told you who I am—the real Johannes Dwyer Shinubo. I may be the son and the successor of the largest and oldest Yakuza in Japan, but what's with that when I can't even tell you the real me, right? 
 
Beibu, I know that no matter how much I say sorry and no matter how much I regret and atone for my mistakes, I can't turn back the time. I've already hurt you, Beibu. All I could do right now is prove to you my true feelings and that I'm not like the men or people out there. 

Colt, when I said I liked you, I mean it. I meant every word I said. And I love you more than I thought I was capable of. When I love you, I can't find myself alone when I am with you. When you are by my side, it feels like everything is going well because I have you. I have the man I had desired. 

 
I know you can't trust my words right now because of what happened to us, but beibu I will not stop liking, loving, and desiring you. This is not my choice alone, beibu but also my soul's decision.  
 
Yes, Colt. I may have used you, but only in the part where I used you as my shield from my enemies, only to shift their attention to you. But that's useless, right? It's all useless because when you get hurt, it's triple pain for me. I'm so sorry, beibu. I really am. 

Beibu, I will end my first letter here. I love you!

Very truly yours,
Johannes

Matapos kong basahin ang unang lihim niya ay nakasandal ako sa swivel chair na kinauupuan ko at pinakatitigan ko ang email ni Johannes sa akin.

After how many months? Or maybe year? His first letter was a lil bit too late.

Tinitigan ko ulit ang email nito sa akin. Should I answer? Should I write back? In the end, hindi ako nagsulat sa kanya at sinara ko ang email na iyon. Napatingin ako sa labas, sa balkonahe ng room ko at napangiti ako nang maalala ko ang pag-akyat niya doon.

Unconsciously, naghanap ng baso ang kamay ko. Naghanap ito ng baso ng alak pero hindi ko na iyon ginagawa. Tinigil ko na ang pag-iinom ko sa gabi o sa madaling araw. Dahan-dahan ko nang iniwan ang pag-iinom. Hindi na naman kasi sumusumpong ang insomia ko.

Binalik ko ang mata ko sa laptop at sunod ko nalang binuksan ang kasunod noong email.

Dear Beibu,

Beibu, I'm sorry. Oh, how silly I am. Nagso-sorry na naman ako sa unang linya ng sulat ko. I forgot to tell you in my first letter that I finally got home. I'm already here in Japan, in our Shima to be exact. And don't worry that much, beibu; my wound is slowly healing, and the scar as well is slowly fading.
 
Beibu, I don't want to tell you about it because I'm ashamed to write about it. But still, I want to tell you about it. Ewan ko kung mababasa mo man ito o hindi. But do you know that I always dream of you, beibu? I dream of you in my arms. I dream of your arrogant face, your smug smile, and I even dream of you cussing me. It's weird that I feel like it's so real! But when I wake up that's when the reality strikes hard to me that we're oceans and lands apart.  

And aside from that kind of dream, Beibu, I also dream of you... kissing me and making love with me. I hope you'll not punch me when we see each other again, beibu. I hope you'll not punch me because of this letter.
 
Beibu, I'll be honest with you. Maybe, you're wondering why it took me so long to send my letters to you. It's because... I've been imprisoned here in Japan. When I came back, I was grounded. I can't use any form of communication or gadgets. I was imprisoned for a year, which is why it took me time to send you the letters I wrote inside my cell. 
 
I know that you may not care or even read my letters, beibu. And I know that this thing seems futile, yet I still want you to send you some letters. This is the only thing that keeps me sane, beibu.  

Alam mo ba, beibu. Wala na akong gupit mula nang umalis ako sa Pilipinas. I bet I look like an old man right now, beibu. I miss you, Colt. I miss seeing you and hugging you. Please eat your meal at the right time, beibu and take care while I'm away. And I hope that you're able to find yourself again as soon as possible. I love you.  

Very truly yours,
Johannes

Sinara ko ang email niya na 'yon. Umigting ang panga ko nang makita ko ang sarili ko sa salamin ng desktop ko na nakangisi.

Alam kong matagal na itong mga liham ni Johannes at alam kong binabasa ko lang ito ngayon pero parang nakikita ko si Johannes. Parang nakikita ko siya habang ginagawa niya itong mga liham. Parang naririnig ko ang boses niya sa tainga ko.

I can imagine him chuckling. It feels like I can hear his laugh.

Sa mga oras, araw, at taon na lumipas. Nandidito pa rin. Buhay na buhay at patuloy pa ring naninirahan si Johannes sa puso ko kahit na wala na siya dito sa piling ko.

The decision I made back then was so hard. It is so hard to push the man you love away from you when you only want him beside you. It's so hard to act tough in front of your loved ones when you are really weak and vulnerable.  
 
I ran my fingers through the strands of my hair. 

Hindi lang naman si Johannes ang nakaka-miss. Hindi lang naman si Johannes ng nahihirapan at nasasaktan. Nasasaktan din ako dahil bakit kailangan pang mangyari ito? Bakit ba kasi ganito ako? Bakit ba kasi ako si Colton Pauling?

I dropped my head backward.

And he was imprisoned. He was locked up. Johannes.

I feel like crying thinking about him inside his cell alone and cold. My heart throbs in pain. Tangina!

Pero heto na ako. Heto na kami. This is the reality. This is the current and real. Wala na siya sa akin, di na siya akin at ganoon din siya. Ako ang nagtulak sa kanya palayo. Ako ang nagdesisyon nito. So I have to accept all of these.

Dear Beibu,

Beibu, I just want you to know that I'm doing my own investigation right now. Iniimbestigan ko ang nangyaring mga ambush natin d'yan sa Pilipinas. I just want you to know, beibu, that while we are apart, I'm fixing and seeking answers to the vague things that happened to us while I was in the Philippines. Even though I don't have any means of communication or connection outside my cell because I'm imprisoned, I used my Nana as my ears and eyes outside of my cell to gather information. 

I am doing this investigation so that I can end this thing once I get out of here and clear all the things here in Japan. I can finally be with you, even if you don't want me anymore. I will still pursue you, beibu. If I have to court you again, then I will gladly do it. 
 
And Colt, alam mo ba na ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay nanatili pa ring buo ang utak ko? Through writing, I keep my mind sane by recording my thoughts about you and what I am doing right now. The memories of us keep me alive every day. I do have reasons and inspirations to wake up every day and survive in this sombre cell because of you, beibu. 

So, beibu please wait for me, hintayin mo ako at h'wag kang maghanap ng iba habang nandidito pa ako sa Japan. Promise, bibilisan ko ang lahat dito, beibu. Bibilisan ko ang lahat dito so that I can finally be with you, and we can go back to Isla Maligaya together. I love you, beibu. Please be well.

Very truly yours,
Johannes

Again, I've never been a fan of reading. Kahit na noong nag-aaral ako ayaw ko talaga sa pagbabasa. I'd rather take a nap than to spend time reading some books or whatever. Pero sa mga araw na lumilipas natatagpuan ko nalang ang sarili ko na nagbabasa sa mga emails ni Johannes. At kahit na paulit-ulit ko na iyong binabasa di pa rin ako nagsasawa.

Kapag wala akong ginagawa sa main office ko sa bar ko around Makati ay nagbabasa ako sa mga email niya sa akin. At sa dinami-dami ng email ni Johannes sa akin ni-isa noon ay wala akong nireply-an. I'm afraid...

It's understandable that he can only send his messages through my email kasi nagbago naman ako ng phone ko dati. Kaya nagbago na rin ang number ko. I have inactive Facebook account and Messenger, and I rarely open them. Bubungad lang kasi sa akin ang mga walang kwentang chats nila Desmond at Rap. Minsan nga naiisip ko na baka di talaga sila ang gumagamit sa mga account nila. Para kasing mga seven years old sa mga chats nila.

Reading email became my hobby, checking my email became my thing, until one day di na rin nagpapadala ng email sa akin si Johannes. Maybe napagod? Maybe nawalan na ng gana dahil walang nakukuhang reply sa akin? I guess.

But I miss him. I miss his emails. I miss how he described his daily routine and what he did every day. I miss how he described the color of the leaves falling and being carried by the wind in the autumn season. I miss how he described the fine white of the snow during the winter season. I miss how he described the leaves slowly sprouting on the trees during the spring season. And I miss how he described the hot summer days during the summer season. 
 
I want to go after him in Japan. There's a lot of time that I think of running after him, but the situation doesn't let me do so. And so does myself; I won't go after him without healing myself first. Then, my parents came and patched the wounds they left in me. They're slowly mending my broken heart. The broken heart of my childhood.  

Physical injuries, wounds, or scratches may be healed through time. The scars of physical pain can be erased through lasers or surgeries, but emotional pain and emotional wounds can't be healed with those methods. Emotional pain takes time—longer times to heal—and there's no shortcut for it. You have to take the stairs before you can achieve the full healing of your emotions. 
 
And I'm so glad. I now appreciate my parents' coming in and out of my house just to be with me. Though we cannot be together, their presence in my healing has really helped a lot. 
 
Thanks to my parents for coming to my doorstep during my healing process. Of course, to my friends as well.  

---
"Here," bigay sa akin ni Rap ng isang magarang sobre.

All of a sudden he called me na papuntahin sa bahay niya. Kaya nandidito ako.

"What is this?" I asked him and scanned the envelope.

"It's from Greece."

My eyes automatically widen. Di palang sinasabi ni Rap ang pangalan ay alam ko na kung kanino ito. Isa lang naman kasi ang taong taga-Greece na kilala ko.

"Las? Laszlo? From Lazlo?"

Tumango si Rap, sinandal ang katawan sandalan ng sofa.

Pupunitin ko na sana iyong sobre nang magsalita ang kaibigan ko sa aking harapan.

"The bastard is getting married."

Fúck!

"Does Desmond knows?"

"Yeah, tumawag siya sa akin kanina."

Napatingin ako sa sobreng hawak bago nagsalita.

"How about the province boy? Ady. Does he knows as well? Is he invited?"

Isang tango ang sinagot ni Rap sa akin.

Tangina! Anong gusto mo Las? Iimbitahin mo ang ex mo sa kasal mo? Gago ba siya?

I don't know if Laszlo and Ady ended their relationship well pero para padalhan niya ito ng invitation sa kasal niya. Siguro naka-move on na siya? And how about Adriel? Ang bait at ang inosenteng tao pa naman noong taong iyon.

"Binigay ko kay Clayton ang invitation para kay Ady. Si Clayton na ang magbibigay noon kay Ady since they work in my restaurant together and they're close."

I can't believe this is happening. That fúcker. Bigla-biglang aalis tapos susurpresahin kami ng ganito, ng kasal? Tangina niya!

But what surprised me the most ay si Ady. Akala ko talaga di siya pupunta. Akala ko irarason niya ang busy niya sa trabaho at sa school niya since he is taking is architecture. Pero nagulat ako nang sabay sila ni Clayton na dumating at sumama sa amin papuntang Greece.

At di maganda ang kutob ko sa pagsama niya sa amin. Mukhang may di magandang mangyayari.

Hindi naman nagkamali ang kutob ko nang may mangyaring inaasahan ko na. Sa pagsama palang ni Ady sa amin sa Greece alam ko nang may mangyayaring di maganda kaso hindi naman umabot na puntong tatalikuran ni Las ang lahat kaso iyon ang ginawa ng gago kong kaibigan. It's crazy what love can do.

Laszlo was just fortunate enough na ang babaeng papakasalan niya ang mismong gumawa ng daan para sa kanila ni Ady. Aaminin kong masaya ako para kay Laszlo. Masaya ako para sa kanya pero nalungkot lang ako sa sitwasyon ng babaeng dapat sana ay papakasalan niya, si Princess Allari.

What pathetic and evil parents she had? How can they say to abort their supposedly grandchild? How can they push their daughter to abort the child? Dahil ba mahirap lang ang lalaking ama nito? Dahil mas mababa ang minahal ng anak nila ay gaganunin na nila?

I pity Princess Allari. I pity her so much. Though I admire her bravery and stand points in life. Ngayon malaya na siya. Malaya na niyang ipagbubuntis ang anak niya kaso wala na ang ama nito. What a wicked fate?!

Hinatid namin si Laszlo sa airport, susundan niya si Ady sa Santorini. Si Clayton dapat ang susunod doon kaso si Laszlo na ang maabutan ni Ady doon pagnagkataon.

Nasa loob na kami ng eroplano at napatingin ako sa ulap. How ironic love is. Hindi ko inaakala na ganito ang magiging adventure namin sa Greece. Hindi ko inaasahan na marami akong magiging realization after coming Greece.

Laszlo and Ady break for years pero hanggang ngayon mahal pa rin nila ang isa't isa. They're still stuck into one another. Laszlo gave up his title, he gave up everything for Ady—for his love, for his happiness. Walang binatbat ang taong paghiwalay nang makita nila ang isa't isa matapos ang ilang taong paghihiwalay.

And when I turned my eyes to Rap, nakita ko siyang kausap niya si Mr. Hernane, si Dareen.

Si Rap din hindi ko aakalain na magmamahal ulit siya after Rhian. Hindi ko aakalain na si Dareen ang makakatunaw sa nagyeyelo niyang pagkatao. Hindi ko aakalain na kaya niyang magmove forward after his past marriage.

And then, here's Clayton Perkin. Kahit na wala na ang kaibigan ko. Nandidito pa rin siya, nasa tabi pa rin siya ni Daniel at di niya ito iniwan. Mahal na mahal niya pa rin si Lorcan.

Tiningnan ko ang kamay ko. Ako? How about me? Ano pa ba ang gagawin ko? Ano pa ang isusuko ko para sa pagmamahal ko? Ano ba ang pagdadaanan ko para sa pagmamahal na ito? Ano pa ba ng isasakripisyo ko para sa pagmamahal kong ito?

Naisandal ko ang ulo ko at napapikit. Ano na ba ang naisakripisyo ko para kay Johan? Ano ba ang nawala sa akin para kay Johan? Ano ba ang nabigay ko para kay Johan? May naisuko na ba ako para sa pagmamahalan namin? No...

"Rap," tawag ko kay Rap nang makita kong tapos na silang mag-usap ni Dareen na naiwan lang sa Pilipinas.

"Hmm?"

Binuksan ko ang phone ko at binuksan ko ang isang email na galing kay Johannes.

"Can you tract down kung saan galing ang mga email na ito? I want the exact location." wika ko sa kanya at binigay dito ang telepono ko.

For the first time nakita kong nagulat siya sa pinakita ko at sinabi ko.

Kinuha niya ang phone ko.

"You... you will go after him? Pupuntahan mo si Johannes?" He said with his eyes out.

I know he didn't expect it to come from me maybe because he knows me. He knows that I will never do things like this, but yeah. After what I witnessed, maybe it's time.   

"Oo, Rap. Ako na naman ang pupunta sa bansa niya ngayon."

Madaling nakuha ni Rap ang exact location ni Johannes kahit na ang gamit niya lang ay telepono niya. Ilang kalikot niy lang doon at naibigay niya kaagad sa akin ang location kung saan galing ang mga email. He even offered Johannes' number pero aanuhin ko naman iyon.

'I'm almost there aijin; just wait for me a bit.'

Masaya akong nagland sa Japan, hindi ako umuwing Pilipinas at dito na ako dumiretso. Ady's courage, Laszlo's sacrifices, and Princess Allari's prowess give me strength and make me realize everything—everything that I had and have with Johannes.  
 
Their love story makes me realize a lot. I realized that in life there are always risks, sacrifices, and what-ifs. And if you don't take the risk, you will get nothing. If you don't try, you will only live in your what-ifs. Yes, we may face different paths and follow different roads, but on other paths and roads, we can always get something from them. We can always gain lessons from varied experiences. 

It was November, so I was still able to see how beautiful the trees were on the roadside, and even the mountains were covered in colors, not the usual thing I always see in the Philippines. May nakikita rin akong mga tao na nagpi-picnic with their family, friends, and even lovers under the trees. They say that autumn is the most comfortable and nicest season in Japan, and yes, that is true, but for some reason I feel chills within me. Maybe because autumn is almost over.  
 
When the taxi pulls over, I politely thank him and get out of the car.

Tumingin ako sa maliit na daan patungo sa bahay kung saan galing ang mga emails na natatanggap ko mula kay Johannes.

Inayos ko ang suot ko bago tinahak ang medyo mataas na daan na magdidirekta sa akin tungo kay Johannes.

Habang binabaybay ko ang daan ay panay ang tingin ko sa cellphone ko at tinitingnan ang house number.

Napangiti ako nang malapit na ako sa house number na nakatatak sa cellphone ko nang sa muling pag-angat ko ng tingin ay kusang napatigil ang paa ko.

Binaba ko ang tingin ko sa paa ko na parang umugat sa sementadong daanan.

Tumingin muli ako sa harap ko at napaawang ang bibig ko bago uminit ang mata at gumipit ang dibdib ko. Halos di ako makahinga.

Sa mga nakalipas na taon na di ko nakita si Johannes ay di ko pa rin naman nakakalimutan ang mukha niya. Sa mga nakalipas na taon ay nanatili sa isip at puso ko ang mukha niya. Nakatatak na siya sa pagkatao ko at di ako pwedeng magkamali ngayon sa nakikita ko.

It was Johannes. It was Johannes who went out of the house carrying the 3- to 4-year-old boy, and a woman with a small face and curly brown hair went out after them.  

"Otōsan, watashitachiha kōen ni ikimasu ka."

"Hai!"

And my heart pounded in so much pain when I saw how Johannes smiles at the woman and kisses the boy's forehead who was in his arms.

Putangina!

Tumalikod ako at saka nagpatakan ang mga luha ko. Tatakbo na sana ko papalayo sa lugar na iyon nang may bumagsak na malamig at munting puting bagay sa pisngi ko.

Snow, snow started to fall.

***
Thank you for reading, Engels!😍❤️

꧁A | E꧂

-want n'yo n ang next chapter? pilitin n'yo muna ako mga beh chrt😆🤭

-anyways, gusto ko lang ulit malaman kung ano ang thoughts ninyo so far sa kwento ni colt bago may kunin akong isang character, charoott. malapit na kasi tayo sa end. so gusto ko malaman kung ano ang masasabi ninyo tungkol sa last installment ng MUS. yon lang sana may maglapag.