Chapter 28

Johannes Pov

I lived in Japan for almost all of my life, particularly in Hokkaido. This is where I was born. This is where I grew up. This is where I learned everything. This place witnessed how I grew from a child to a full-grown man. I love Japan. I love this place so much, not only because this is where my family and relatives are. But the seasons, the people-our people here are so amazing. But these feelings slowly subsided in just a few months of staying in the Philippines.

I may love the feeling of living there, but there's a particular reason why I love it there.

After months of staying in the Philippines, I feel foreign in my own birthland. For the past few months, it feels like Japan changed so much while I was away. Japan never feels like home again for me. The comfort, the home, that Japan was able to give me back then was long gone. It feels like I left my life-my soul-in the Philippines.

I may be back. I may have come home, but my heart and mind remain in the Philippines. My heart and soul have already found shelter in the Philippines. My beibu, Colt.

Winter, spring, summer and autumn.

The four seasons may have passed, but I wasn't able to enjoy and see them because I was imprisoned the moment I stepped into our shima.

I only saw a bit of snow from my small square window. I only experience winter when my cell feels cold. I was only able to watch the leaves sprout bit by bit from the tall trees and branches near my cell. I only know when it's autumn when the leaves have slowly changed color. I only know when spring comes when the moss phlox starts to blossom.

Oyassan, my father, the current Yakuza leader of the Shinubo family, punished me for disobeying him. This is a very minimal punishment in our family; after one year of being imprisoned and grounded, it feels like I was only alive to suffer-to eat all of these tormenting moments.

The whole time that I was in my cell, I was alone. I wasn't able to use any kinds of gadgets or technology. I was forbidden from using any means of communication outside. Well, except for the paper and pen, which were discreetly given to me by my nanny. My beloved nanny, who was a Filipina, she is the only Filipina in this household.

"Kumusta ka dito, Johan?" One day my Nanny came into my cell. Dala niya ang panibagong papel at ballpen na lihim niyang binigay sa akin kasama ang pagkain ko. Siya kasi ang nagdadala sa mga pagkain ko dito.

"I'm fine, nana." I called her nana.

Hindi ko siya makita dahil mataas din itong pintuan ng selda ko at ang pagkain ko ay pinapadaan lang sa maliit na butas sa ibaba ng pintuan. Literal akong bilanggo sa sarili naming tahanan.

Sumandal ako sa gilid ng pintuan.

Tiningnan ko ang pagkain na dala ni Nana. Wala akong ganang kumain kaya naman ang kinuha ko lang ay ang papel at ballpen at saka nagsimulang magsulat.

"Johan, kinausap ko ang ama mo kanina."

Napatigil ako sa balak kong pagsulat dahil sa sinabi ni Nana.

"Nana. You don't have to do that. You know what Oyassan is capable of doing." I said, nag-aalala ako sa kanya.

Iba ang ama ko magalit.

"Hindi ko kaya na ganito, Johan. Nakakulong ka dito simula nang makauwi ka. Magtataon ka nang nakakulong d'yan." Kahit na hindi ko siya nakikita ay alam kong umiiyak na siya sa labas ng selda ko base sa kanyang tono.

I sighed.

"Nana, it's still my fault. I have a fault." I said, as matter as fact.

"Oo pero sana nagpaliwanag ka sa kanya. Like what you said. You were ambushed twice in the Philippines by a familiar organization." giit niya pa.

Bumuntong hininga na naman ako.

Yeah, Oyassan didn't listen to me. He didn't listen to any of my explanation. He thought that I'm just making story-excuses para di niya ako maparusahan.

"Nana, it's okay. Malapit na rin akong lumabas dito."

"Ayaka is also worried sinisisi niya ang sarili niya kung bakit ka nakulong dito."

"Nana, can you tell her not to get worried about me? Just tell her that I'm... surviving here. And don't worry that much, nana. At may plano pa akong makalaya dito, nana. I still have a lot to do once I get out of here."

Sa mga araw na dumaan mula nang makulong ako. Tanging si Nana lang ang nakakausap ko. Sa bawat hatid at kuha niya sa pinagkainan ko kinakausap niya ako ng ilang minuto. Kinukumusta ako at sinasabi niya sa akin ang mga nangyayari sa labas.

At habang nasa selda ako ay naisip kong mag-imbestiga tungkol sa mga nangyari sa akin sa Pilipinas. Tungkol sa mga ambush at mga tangka sa buhay ko doon.

Ginamit kong mata at tainga si Nana sa labas ng selda para makakuha ako ng impormasyon mula sa labas.

And when I finally got out of my cell, Nana Ayen was the only person who celebrated my release because my father is still disappointed in me.

---

I tied my shoulder-length hair in a bun as I rose from my bed. Sinuot ko lang ang roba na pangtulog. Pumunta ako sa working space ko dito sa aking kwarto at humarap sa aking computer.

Simula noong nakalaya ako sa selda ay sinimulan ko kaagad ang pag-iimbestiga ko. Tinulungan ako ni Ayaka, ni Nana Ayen, at ni Hiro sa imbestigasyon ko. Lihim ko itong ginagawa na kaming apat lang ang nakakaalam.

Sinimulan ko ito sa unang ambush na nangyari sa akin doon sa Pilipinas. Hindi man halata pero minamarka ko sa isipan ko ang mga insignia noong mga nang-ambush sa akin. Mula sa armas na gamit nila, ang mga sasakyan na gamit nila at ang kanilang mga boses ay natatandaan ko pa. It was great dahil kahit nagkaroon ako ng temporary amnesia dati ay naalala ko pa ang mga iyon.

At saka iyong papauwi na sana ako dito sa Japan at na-ambush ulit kami ni Colt.

Kaya sinimulan ko ang pag-iimbestiga sa sarili kong tahanan. Konti lang ang nakakaalam na pupunta akong Pilipinas. Tanging ang nasa household lang na ito ang may alam sa pag-alis ko at si Ayaka lang ang sinabihan ko na sa Pilipinas ako tutungo. Kaya kampante akong nasa loob ng mga household na ito ang may pakana sa lahat ng nangyayari sa akin sa Pilipinas.My gut feeling tells me that. And it was impossible as well, na si Ayaka ang gagawa ng mga ganoon sa akin. She will not betray me.

Gusto kong malaman kung ano ang intensyon nila sa pagtugis sa akin. O kung bakit gusto nila akong patayin.

One time, I visited my mother's grave and my grandparents' grave.

In the very beginning, I really don't like being my Oyassan's successor. I've never ever wished to be one, but Oyassan appointed me. I have an older brother who is more capable of the position and who is more deserving than I am. But still, the Oyassan word is the rule inside our household.

"Mom, I miss you so much." My mother was an American who fell in love with a Japanese yakuza. Unfortunately, when the Yakuza war was ignited way back when I was nine, my mother died in the war against the other Japanese Yakuzas. We won the two years of war, but my mother died.

My grandparents were killed in the Philippines the following year when they took a vacation there. It is one of the reasons why I don't like stepping foot in that country. My father forbade me from stepping foot in the Philippines because of that. And I once cursed the country, yet everything changed.

Hindi ko naman iniisip ang Pilipinas dati. Kahit noong nakilala ko na si Lorcan. Hindi ako naging kuryoso sa bansang iyon until my only trusted friend died because of me. The owner of the Yagami was my friend, who died because of me, and that incident pushed me to go to the Philippines and handle his businesses there. And then I met Colt again.

"Mom, you won't be mad at me kung sasabihin ko sa inyong... nagmahal ako ng lalaki, right? You won't be mad knowing that I fell in love with a man." Pagkakausap ko dito kahit na di naman iyon sumasagot sa akin.

"I really do love him, mom. I love him more than I love this country. I found my true home in him, mom." I smiled, remembering Colt's frowning face. "He is cute to me." I uttered.

"I like it when he yells. I like his tough and rough attitude. He is a straightforward person, Mom, and he is dangerous too. He doesn't think twice about pulling the trigger, even if it's me. He saved me a lot of times too. I love him, mom. I love him even if he pushed me away. I still love him, even if he keeps pushing me away and hurting me. But I know he is kind and softhearted too on the other side." Natawa ako sa mga pinagsasabi ko.

I shifted my eyes to where my grandparents' graves were.

"Grandma, grandpa, will I still be your favorite grandchild when I fall in love with a Filipino? I know our family doesn't trust them. But I hope you understand me. I hope you understand why I love that man from the Philippines."

I stayed there for more than what I expected. Simula kasi noong bumalik ako galing sa Pilipinas ay di ako nakadalaw sa kanila kasi diretsong selda ako. I also haven't spoken to Oyassan eversince I went out from the cell. May galit pa rin siguro siya sa akin.

---
"Johan, di mo naman kailangan na umalis dito."

Maliit kong nginitian si Nana Ayen. Si Nana Ayen ang nagturo sa akin na magsalita ng Tagalog simula noong nagka-interes ko sa lengguwahe. Pero nagtatagalog lang din naman ako kapag si Nana ang kausap ko.

"For the mean time nana, aalis muna ako. Don't worry hindi na ko aalis. Hindi ako aalis dito." paniniguro ko sa kanya.

Bumuntong hininga lang siya, alam niya kasing di niya mababago ang isip ko.

"Take care." She said and patted my back. "Ikumusta mo nalang ako kay Ayaka. Ang tagal na kasi mula noong huli ko siyang nakita dito."

Tinanguan ko si Nana Ayen.

Pansamantala akong aalis sa shima para magawa ko ang nais ako. Hindi ako titigil hangga't di ko nalalaman kung sino o sino-sino ang nasa likod ng pag-ambush sa akin at kung sino ang nagbabanta sa aming organisasyon.

Mas mabuti ng gumalaw na malayo at di dito sa shima. Lalo na't pakiramdam ko na nasa malapit ko lang ang may pakana ng lahat. I already have a hunch who it is. I just need to prove it and gather all the necessary evidence.

And while doing my own investigation, I keep on sending Colt an email ever since I got out of the cell. Simula noong makalaya ako ito ang una kong ginagawa. Typing my letters for him na ginawa ko pa sa loob ng selda.

I don't know if he reads it or sees it, but that thing alone makes me survive every day without him. Wala akong natatanggap ni-isang reply sa mga emails ko sa kanya pero umaasa ako na sana ay nababasa niya ang sulat ko sa kanya. Parang mga updates lang naman iyon sa mga ginagawa ko dito habang wala siya. Pampalipas oras ko sa mga oras na naiisip ko siya at gusto ko na siyang puntahan sa Pilipinas.

Every day was a struggle and torture for me. I find it hard to sleep thinking of him. Is he okay now? Is he okay with his family now? Ang dami kong tanong sa kanya.

But I will wait until he is ready. I will wait until he fixes himself. I don't know when that will happen, but I hope it will be sooner after I settle everything here. Everything!

It hurts. It hurt that our last goodbye didn't go well. Well, I'm at fault, so maybe I deserved this. I deserved all of these. Maybe I deserved to be hurt, to be dumped, to be abandoned. Nasa akin na ang lahat ng pighati pero mahal ko pa rin siya.

Colt, beibu, I will wait until you're ready. I will wait until his heart heals. I will wait till he is ready to see me without remembering my wrongs. I will wait till he watches me with his smug smile plastered on his lips.

And I can't wait to see him soon. I can't wait to hear his voice again. I can't wait until he says he loves me again. I can't wait till he is able to fight with me. I can't wait till he is able to hug and kiss me again. And I can't wait until he cusses me again.

I will wait for him, even if it takes forever, like what I told him. I will die because of this love. I will die loving him. I will die and bring my love for him to my grave. Fúck! I didn't know that I was capable of loving this kind of depth until he came.

"I will wait for you, beibu. I miss you, beibu. I miss you so much that it hurts. And I love you beyond what words can describe. I love you more than the billion stars in the galaxy." I said as I stared at the paper where I sketched his face.

***
Thank you for reading, Engels!😍❤️

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