Chapter 36

Raphael Pov

"Oh, no!Rap?" I almost groaned when I heard Colt's playful voice at my back. Thank God, I was able to suppress my groan.

"Damn man! Desmond the second ka na ba? Ginagawa mo na ring tahanan ang bar ko, ah!" Natatawa niyang saad at may pa tapik-tapik pa siya sa balikat ko.

Umupo si Colt sa high chair na katabi ko at nag-utos din ng kanyang inumin. "One black label."

"Why are you even here?" I asked him without looking at his damn face.

"Tsk! Syempre ako ang may ari kaya binibisita ko lang business ko."

"I mean, why here, of all your bars?"

"Coincidence lang."

Binigay ng bartender ang alak ni Colt sa kanya at bahagyang yumuko nang umalis ito. Binaba ko ang mata ko sa basa ko na may alak at konting yelo na unti-unting natutunaw. Dahan-dahan kong inukot-ikot ang basa ko.

"Problem?"

"No." I lied.

Actually, kaninang umaga. Matapos kong maligo at makapagbihis sa bahay ni Ralph ay dumaan ako saglit sa bahay ko na under construction pa. Pagkatapos doon ay pumunta ako sa rental room kung saan nagr-rent ngayon si Dareen.

And I was so fucking surprised when I saw him laughing with another guy riding on a damn motorcycle. That time, I want to pull my hand gun from my car's compartment and aim it at the guy's head out of jealousy. Yes! I'm fucking jealous! I'm envious of the guy with whom Dareen flashed his smile. Bullshit! I want him to smile only at me. Fuck! It sounds so possitive, but that is what I want. I don't want my baby to smile at the other guy unless it is me. And then suddenly, Desmond's voice sank into my head like a damn broken plaque ringing in my ears. 

"Tsk! Don't call him that unless you have label. Label muna, Rap. L-A-B-E-L. Label."

"Tsk! Don't call him that unless you have label. Label muna, Rap. L-A-B-E-L. Label."

"Tsk! Don't call him that unless you have label. Label muna, Rap. L-A-B-E-L. Label."

I want Dareen to be happy. I'd rather see him laughing than miserable, lonely, and sad. Yet now that I saw him laughing at someone else and not me, it stings in my heart. It's like my flesh is being carved. My heart feels like being pounded by something. 

I closed my eyes and laid back. Napasabunot ako sa sarili kong buhok at muling tumingin sa direksyon kung saan si Dareen. He wear the helmet and ride on the guy's motorcycle.

My grip on the steering wheel tightened as I followed them with my eyes. I breath and try to calm my shaking nerves because of too much jealousy. I've never been this possessive. I've never felt this kind of jealousy before. I don't know if it is because I am aging or old. That is why I feel like this. Slowly, I start the engine and follow the rails. 

While I was following them discreetly and from a distance, a fleet of realizations hit my mind. What if Dareen could live without me? What if he could be happy without me? What if he could live his life like he used to before? What if he can find someone new? What if his love for me withers? What if his feelings for me were just temporary emotions? 

And here I am. I was almost shit. I almost went mad. I'm almost going insane from feeding my mind with those kinds of thoughts. What if I'm the only one who feels that I cannot live without him? What if I'm the only one who can't be happy without him? What if I am the only one who thinks that he loves me? What if all these things were just all my illusions? What if it's just my illusion telling me that Dareen loves me when the truth is he doesn't?

I pressed the brake really hard and bumped my head on the steering wheel. 

"Fuck! Dammit! " I cussed as I punched the horn of my car. 

Napatingin ako sa sa katawan ni Dareen na nakasampa sa motor at unti-unti nang lumiliit sa paningin ko.

"Please, baby. Wait for me a bit. I'm almost there." I said on the air. 

I ran my hands through my hair. I started the engine again and took a U-turn. I cannot bear to look at him riding in the other guy's vehicle. If I continue on watching them, I might pull a trigger without thinking. Damn this! Magiging kriminal pa ako dahil sa selos.

"Tungkol ba iyan doon kay Mr. Hernane?"

Inis kong binalingan si Colt sa tabi ko na malaki ang ngisi sa labi. Kinuha niya ang kanyang baso saka dinala sa bibig niya at uminom doon habang ang mata ay nakatingin pa rin sa akin. Colt is causing havoc in my life. He irritates the hell out of me! And fuck it! He is enjoying the view!

"How the hell did you know that?" I asked him as I shot him a glare.

Ngumisi na naman siya. Nilapag niya ang baso sa counter.

"Well, Desmond rants on me."

"Rants?"

"You idiot! Wala akong mga kaibigan na stalker." Kumunot ang noo ko sa kanya. "Jesus! Don't tell me nakalimutan mo na sinusundan ninyo ni Desmond si Mr. Hernane kahapon."

"Desmond told you?" Di makapaniwalang tanong ko sa kanya.

"Oo sa akin nagnguwa. Napagod daw siya kakaupo sa kotse mo at parang baliw na sinusundan si Mr. Hernane."

Namura ko sa utak ko si Desmond. It was really a mistake to take him with me.

Inalis ko ang atensyon ko kay Colt at binalik ang mata ko sa baso ko na tunaw na ang yelo. I called the bartender to give me another glass of whisky.

"Tsk." I just tsked para di na humaba pa ang usapan namin ni Colt.

"Mr. Hernane is the reason why you're here, am I right? " I just glance at him and keep my mouth shut. "We're friends rapping. I can lend you my two listening ears."

"Aren't you disgusted?" I asked him without sparing him a look. 

"Disgusted?"

"Dareen is gay."

"And?"

"I'm in love with him. I'm in love with a gay man." This time I looked at him and I saw how the corner of his lips rose.

"Damn you! Wala naman akong pakialam d'yan. Wala akong pakialam kung anuman o kung sino man ang mahalin ninyo, Rap. Look at Lorcan and Clayton, look at Laszlo and Ady? Nakita mo ba ang nandiri ako sa kanila? Nakita mo ba akong tiningnan sila nang may pandidiri?" Naging seryoso na si Colt.

Wala mang sinabi sa amin si Laszlo but that fucker, he's clearly ogling his new friend. He is also in love with his friend. 

Nilagok niya ang kanyang alak at nagsalita muli.

"Look, Rap. As long as you are happy. As long as you are not stepping on anyone. I don't care who you love and what you love. All of you, Rap, are my friends and my family.  Pamilya na ang tingin ko sa inyo. That is why, kahit na ano pa kayo tanggap ko kayo. Tanggap na tanggap. Saka love is love and it's just a gender. Gender does not limit who you can love, nor does it allow you to choose who you want to love. You can learn to love someone but when it beats for someone," he pointed his heart. "no one can stop this."

Bumuntong hininga ako. "Thank you. Thank you, Colt."

"Kaya nga kung ano man ang problema mo ngayon kay Mr. Hernane maayos din 'yan. Ayos lang kung di mo sabihin sa akin. Maiintindihan ko naman."

Pumikit ako. Maybe, I can breath easily when I tell this to someone. Napakahirap kasi na pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko kanina pa itong pakiramdam ko na gusto kong manuntok ng tao. Napakahirap pigilan at itago ang selos.

Tumingin ako kay Colt at sinimulan ko na ang pagkukwento ko sa kanya. From how Dareen left my house until yesterday.

"You're so damn in love, bud."

"I am." Walang pikit matang sagot ko sa kanya.

"Damn, the air is oozing with hearts."

"I'm fucking jealous Colt."

Gusto ko nang suntukin si Colt ng tumawa siya.

"Damn. Hindi ko talaga aakalain Rap na darating ang araw na magkakaroon ka ng ganitong klaseng problema. Hindi ko aakalain na mawawala ang cool at malamig mong aura mo dahil kay Mr. Hernane. He can make you feel restless. He can make you feel less of yourself. If only Laszlo and Desmond are here sigurado ako na luluwa mga mata n'on."

I groaned. "At masusuntok ko rin talaga sila."

Humaglpak pa talaga ng tawa si Colt at nang makita niyang mapapatay ko na siya sa tingin ko ay unti-unting nawala ang tawa niya.

"I'm just trying to make you laugh. Ang seryoso mo na kasi."

"Di ako natutuwa sa sinabi mo."

"Kaya ayaw ko sa ganyan. Nakakagago ang magmahal. Salamat talaga at wala ako n'yan. Pero seryoso Rap," si Colt at tiningnan akong mabuti. "Nagseselos ka dahil sa iba na siya naging masaya. E, bakit ba kasi di mo pa suyuin at maging iyo na. Gusto mo? Mahal mo? Suyuin mo. It may be hard on Mr. Hernane's part, but if he really loves you, he will understand. Show him how serious you are. Show him what you really feel. Rap, I know you are also fixing yourself. But if you prolong this thing baka maging huli na upang maging kayo ni Mr. Hernane, ni Dareen. Ikaw na nga mismo nagsabi ilang araw pa lang lumipas may umaaligid na. Don't be coward, Rap. You're not like this."

---

Sa araw ding iyon doon pa rin ako umuwi sa bahay ni Ralph. Alam na naman nila ni Yas na dito ako tutuloy kaya kampante akong pumasok sa loob. Pagdating ko sa sala ay sinalubong ako ni Snow.

Tumigil ako sa paglalakad. Kiniskis ni Snow ang ulo niya sa may paa ko kaya napayuko ako at t-in-ap ang ulo ni Snow.

"Did you miss, Dareen?" I talked to the cat like it will answer me.

Snow meow. At naaliw ako sa paghaplos sa kanya kaya di ko na namalayan na napatagal na pala ako doon. Hanggang sa may tumawag na sa akin.

"Raphael?" Nag-angat ako ng tingin at tumigil sa paghaplos ni Snow.  Napatingij siya sa kamay ko na nakay Snow. "I thought you are afraid with cat?"

"Not now."

"Wanna have some drink?" Alok ni Kuya at giniya ang ulo doon sa counter.

"How about a coffee?"

Tumango si Kuya at nauna na sa formal kitchen nila. Tumayo ako at sumunod sa kanya doon sa kusina nila. Umupo ako doon sa high chair na nasa harap ng island counter.

"Natutulog na si Chiara?" tanong ko.

"Hmm. Kanina pa."

"Are you okay, lil brother?" tanong naman ni kuya sa akin at nilapag ang umuusok na kape sa harap ko.

"I'm... I'm trying to be fine . . . I visited Rhian's grave."

Tumango si Kuya sa akin at humilig siya doon sa countertop na nakadugtong sa sink.

"Humingi ako ng tawad sa kanya. Pinatawad ko ang sarili ko at tinanggap ko ang mga pagkakamali ko noon."

Kanina matapos doon sa bar ni Colt ay pumunta ako sa libingan ni Rhian na matagal ko ng di nabibisita. Wala kasi akong lakas ng loob na humarap sa kanya at sa namatay naming anak.

"How does it feel?" tanong ni Kuya. It is like we are having a heart-to-heart talk.

"I'm happy. I was relieved. I feel like the burden that I have been carrying for years has been lifted. Ang gaan sa pakiramdam kuya."

Ngumiti si Kuya sa akin. Lumapit siya para tapikin ang balikat ko.

"I'm happy for you. Pero pinag-alala mo sina mommy at daddy." Si kuya matapos tapikin ang balikat ko.

"Just tell them they don't have to."

"Pero Rap sigurado ka ba na bubuksan mo ang bahay mo sa publiko?"

"Oo kuya. Maraming humahabol sa mga painting ni Rhian. I consulted her relatives kung may plano ba sila doon sa paintings pero wala silang interes doon na ipagbili. Gusto rin nilang i-treasure ang mga likha ni Rhian. Ayaw ko rin naman na ibenta iyon kaya bubuksan ko siya sa public sa mga taong gustong tumingin sa mga artworks ni Rhian."

Kaya nga may bahay akong pinapagawa kasi iyong bahay ko dati ay gagawin ko iyong museum sa mga paintings ni Rhian. It was her dream before to have her own art display, pero di niya nagawa because of my selfishness. I know it is too late to do this thing now, but this is the best thing that I could do. Rhian will always be part of my life and my past. She's a great woman, and I know she will understand me. 

***
A few more chapters to go and we're going to say goodbye to Raphael and Dareen's story.