Chapter Ten 

Peter Foster was a mutual friend who was about to go on an extended holiday to Europe. He had decided to give himself a going away party, and had invited all his friends and relations. The house was full of guests. Records were played, cigarettes were smoked and food vanished as if it had never been. After much hesitation, Philips had finally decided to go. He tried to avoid Harper as much as possible without people noticing; he felt he just wasn't ready to face him again after what they had done. His parents' religious views had unexpectedly come back during the night to haunt him, despite his best efforts to rationalise them away. His parents would have said he had committed a mortal sin and called it sodomy. 

Harper was aware that Philips was avoiding him. He felt hurt and upset, though he had more than half expected it. He had to talk to him. Around midnight he saw Philips preparing to leave and about to ring for a taxi. He approached him quietly. "I've got my car with me. Can I take you home Richard?" Philips started, blushed and shuffled uncomfortably. 

"I didn't mean anything else! I just want to talk to you. For heavens' sake, don't look at me as if I'm some kind of monster!" 

"Sorry Bill. Yes, alright. Thank you." 

Harper drove a little slower than usual so that he could talk at the same time. He knew Richard wasn't going to invite him up. 

"Are you still feeling upset about the other night?" 

"Yes." 

"Can you talk to me about it?" 

Philips looked at him and answered honestly. "I don't think I can, not yet. I'm just feeling really confused." 

"Okay, please just make sure it's your own reaction, not someone else's false morality." He swallowed. "This is very hard for me; I'm not very good with talking about my feelings but I need to tell you this. Until last night my desire for you was all mixed up with shame and guilt. It was the same shame and the secrecy that twisted my behaviour towards you. But after last night I thought, society may say this is wrong but I don't agree. I'm working really hard to get rid of those negative emotions completely - after all if I feel guilty and ashamed, how on earth can I expect you to feel any different? You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I was hoping that maybe, if you were willing, we could try again. Just see how this works out a bit longer ... maybe actually have a relationship ..." His voice trailed away, and he glanced sideways at Philips, who was staring straight out the window. 

"Don't decide anything now," he urged. "Just think about it." He paused, looking incredibly uncomfortable. "I realise that perhaps I was a bit, uh...forceful the other night. We could take things more slowly if that was a problem for you." 

Philips bit his lip and turned to look at him. "I don't think I'm gay Bill. I still fancy women. I couldn't imagine doing what we did with any other man." 

"I don't want you to do it with any other man," countered Harper, forcing a smile. "Just me." 

He pulled up outside Philips' apartment block but didn't turn off the engine. "Here you are. See if you can get a good night's sleep; put it all on the back burner for tonight. Give me a call when you're ready." 

XXX 

"Are you looking for that special massage? Then come and meet our beautiful girls, Debbie, Trisha and Kerrie in clean, discreet surroundings at 199 Kings Terrace, Balmain. PH..."  

The advertisement was less obvious than some, but still plain enough for anyone who wanted a girl. Sydney's 'massage parlours' did a booming business and the employment columns were full of urgent pleas for new staff. Philips paused outside the building with some distaste. It was down the end of his street and he had been on his way to the station when the sign caught his eye. It was a two storey brick building with a white plaster front, freshly painted to cover some recent graffiti which was bleeding through. The solid wooden door was also white, hoping no doubt to convince prospective customers that the place was as clean as the advertisement claimed. 

There was a discreet plaque on the door that read Kings Terrace Health Clinic. A plump man in a grey suit strode jauntily around the corner towards Philips. He looked like an average, middle aged business man. Surely he wasn't coming to the health clinic? But he was. He smirked at Philips as he passed him to reach the door. He went straight in without knocking. Philips felt another surge of distaste. This was definitely not the answer to his current problem. Attempting to have sex with a prostitute would not help him find out if he was gay or not. 

He had just turned back to continue on his way to the station when someone grabbed him roughly from behind, wrenching him around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" It was Harper, his face dark with fury. Evidently Harper thought he had caught him leaving the building. 

Before Philips could explain, Harper shook him savagely. "Is that what you think of me is it? Not even as good enough for you as a whore?" 

Philips went white. "Bill, I didn't-"  

But Harper was too steamed up to let him speak. "How could you make love to someone you don't like, don't respect, don't even know - just because she's female? I think that's a hundred times worse than me being a man; it's -" 

"Bill!" Philips gripped Harper's shoulders, refusing to be shaken off. "Listen to me. I did not go in there! I have never gone in there and I never will; I was just standing here thinking. Thinking about what an unpleasant place this is, and about how going in there would be a really bad idea. Trust me!" 

Harper looked at him, the anger slowly fading. "You didn't? I'm sorry. I...I had no right to yell at you." He released his grip on Philips' arm. "I'm sorry," he repeated, "It just really ... bothered me." 

"Come up to my place, Bill. I think we really need to talk. Have you got time?"  

The other man nodded reluctantly, suddenly fearful. "I can make time." Was Richard going to tell him their brief affair was all over; that he'd had enough? 

"I think I need a drink, what about you? Beer?" 

"Yeah, thanks." Philips got two bottles of Coopers Ale from the fridge and gave one to Harper. "I really do want to talk, but first let's try something." 

He took Harper's face between his hands and kissed him. Harper stood motionless for a second as if he was totally surprised, then opened his lips and licked hesitantly against Philips tongue which was pushing into his mouth. Philips drew back after a minute and Harper looked down. "Sorry." 

Philips looked at him questioningly but he was silent. 

"Can I ask you a personal question?" 

That earned an unwilling laugh from Harper. "Go ahead." 

"How many lovers have you had?" 

"Only one, really ... technically." He had to lean forward to hear the quiet answer. 

"And let me guess, he didn't like kissing, right?" He looked steadily at Harper. "In fact I bet he didn't like hugging that much either?" 

Harper shook his head in agreement as he remembered his first lover. He had been at university and joined the drama society and the rugby team. Rather to his surprise, he had not found his lover in the drama club. Probably his mistake, in hindsight. The man who had approached him had been one of the better players, a large muscular man whom nobody would ever have suspected of being gay. He had picked up Harper and introduced him to sex. They had been in the changing rooms, he remembered. It was their turn to put away the equipment after the match when everyone else had left. 

Harper had attempted a clumsy kiss, and been told in no uncertain terms, "That shit's for girls. What d'you think you're doing man? This is what men do! " And the other man had bent him over the table, pulled down his shorts, and taken him hard and fast right there. That had been the nature of their relationship for the next few months. Harper had found it exciting at first and then he started to feel as if he was just being used. Nevertheless it had been Gary who had dumped him, for the next new young player to come along. 

After that came the police force and there was no question of another relationship there. Even if there were officers who were gay, no one could admit it because it was illegal. As he rose up the ranks, he had to be even more careful to avoid putting himself in a position where he could be blackmailed. 

"So what have you been doing for sex?" asked Philips. 

Harper hesitated, and looked away. "You're probably going to despise me for this, especially after the lecture I just gave you, but...well there are places you can go after dark ... in the city, in the parks mostly, to find others..." 

Philips looked at him in horror. "Bill, that is so dangerous! You could get mugged or ..." He was so agitated he got up and began to pace around, Harper watching him in bemusement. 

"Promise me that you'll never do that again, whatever happens with us!" 

"I'll try." 

"I bet there wasn't much kissing or affection going on behind those toilet blocks either!" said Philips sardonically. He sat down again. "I want to be honest with you; I'm really not sure if I'm gay. I can still see myself finding a woman one day and falling in love, getting married and having a family if it works out. But if you can deal with that, one thing I know for sure is that right now I love you, maybe not exactly how you love me, but I do love you. And lovers kiss - they don't just have sex. I have had several good relationships with women, and if I've learnt one thing it's that." 

He looked at Harper who was watching him with total attention, hardly daring to hope. 

"What do they call people who like both men and women?" 

"Lucky?" joked Harper. 

"No you idiot, bi-sexual. Maybe I'm bi-sexual? In any case, what I'd really like is for you to stay here with me tonight and we'll just kiss and hold each other, and then maybe we'll go to bed and-" he paused. 

"Have sex?" asked Harper hopefully. 

Philips frowned, "No." He waited as Harper mastered his disappointment. "We won't have sex; we'll make love. If that's okay with you?" 

Harper couldn't move; he just sat there in his chair. He couldn't believe he'd got that lucky - Richard wanted to make love with him! He realised Richard was starting to look at him a little anxiously, waiting for his reply. "I can't think of anything, anything, else in this world that I would rather do! I'm just a little  ... blown away here, give me a minute." 

Philips came towards him and hauled him to his feet, smiling possessively. "Minute's up." 

He took Harper's face gently between his hands again and pulled his mouth down to his. This time he went slowly, licking Bill's lips with the tip of his tongue until they parted, then sliding his tongue into his mouth, further and further, tilting his head to get as much in as he could, his hands moving down the other man's back to pull him tightly against his body. He could feel that he was already fully aroused, but he just kept on kissing him with slow, thorough movements of his mouth. 

Then Harper began to kiss him back, with urgent thrusts of his tongue, and he found himself backed up against the wall with Harper's hands pulling his shirt from his trousers. He was eager to get his hands on bare skin while trying to be careful of Philips' recently healed wounds. He still couldn't believe he had been given permission to do those things he had dreamt about for so long. Richard really wanted him to kiss, to touch, to love...maybe when he got him to bed he could actually run his tongue down his back as he had wanted to do that first night. Harper was practically quivering with excitement. 

On second thoughts they might not even make it to the bed. Perhaps he should try and calm down. It was too late; Richard was now pulling at his own shirt, dragging it right off. He was running his fingers teasingly around inside the waistband of Harper's trousers, against his warm skin ... dipping lower and lower with each turn. 

Harper had never thought in his wildest dreams that Richard would be an active participant; that he would want to do the sort of things to him that he wanted to do to Richard. Maybe he'd died and gone to heaven and just didn't know it. Then Richard's questing fingers brushed him, as light as a feather, again and again, and he nearly went through the roof.