Postserum Stucky
Angst
⚠️Trigger warning: mention/attempt of suicide⚠️
———

Put on a happy face.

That's all Bucky could do as Steve walked up to him. He didn't want him to know the pain he felt inside. He didn't want him to know how broken he still was, how unstable he still was. He wanted Steve to be happy. And he knew Steve could never be happy with him.

This was the second time in his life where he realized Steve would choose Peggy over him. A girl from the past had won him over, not a man from the present. It hurt. It hurt like hell. He wasn't enough to satisfy Steve. He wasn't stable enough, strong enough, even pretty enough to come close to Steve's standards. That was what he firmly believed.

Yet Bucky still smiled as he hugged his best friend, now a lost love, one more time. He wanted Steve to see that he was happy even though he wasn't. Steve didn't need him anymore. He'd like to say that he didn't need Steve anymore, but he did. He desperately did. Without him, he was nothing but a weary soldier with a washed up memory. A ghost to society. There was blood on his hands that he couldn't wash off on his own.

But without Steve, he felt as though he had no one.

Bucky was barely holding it together at the seams once the hug ended. His gaze wavered as it met Steve's, taking one last look at those baby blues before they would be lost to time. It felt like his chest was being squeezed. He couldn't find his voice. It had long since died in his throat after he heard about Steve's decision.

"Take care of yourself, Buck." Steve said, placing a firm hand on Bucky's shoulder. Although he couldn't feel it, Bucky was trembling. Everything he had built up over the years was crumbling to pieces, every foundation cracking and splitting. After all they'd been through, he couldn't even say goodbye.

Bucky could only swallow thickly as he watched Steve turn and head towards the portal, where Bruce and Sam were standing. And then, just like that in a flash of light, Steve was gone. He stared for a moment, not wanting to believe that Steve was really gone. His Steve. And then, once the realization sunk in, he left with a heavy heart and a darkening conscience.

———

Everything hurt. The tears had flowed nonstop since Bucky reached his room in the new Avengers complex. His chest felt as if it were about to explode, his stomach twisting and churning. He couldn't get the negative thoughts out of his head, their whispers nearly driving him mad.

'You're nothing.'

'Steve didn't want you. He didn't need you.'

'Pathetic.'

'Worthless.'

'Murderer.'

'Criminal.'

'You don't belong.'

'No one will ever want you.'

'Steve hates you.'

Bucky tightly gripped his hair in his hands, his chest heaving as he fought for each breath. He looked at the pistol laying next to him on the bed. He had brought it out for a specific reason. What more did he have to live for if the only thing that was keeping him sane was gone? Without Steve, he was just a threat to society.

His fingers slowly wrapped around the gun, the cool metal sending shivers down his arm. He let go of his hair and just sat still, his sad gaze fixated on the wall as he slowly brought the gun up to his head. This was what he deserved after all he had done. No one would miss him. In fact, they would probably be overjoyed that he was gone. One less menace to society. His breath caught in his throat when he felt the barrel of the gun against his temple, his lower lip quivering as tears streamed endlessly down his face. One finger hovered over the trigger, poised to pull it.

"I'm sorry..." Was all he could muster, choked sobs escaping him.

His finger started to move.....and then the door flew wide open to reveal Steve, his Steve, completely out of breath. He froze, his finger just centimeters away from pulling the trigger. In that second of hesitation, Steve cried out in alarm and rushed forwards to grab the gun from him. It clattered harmlessly to the ground and Bucky fell back on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.

Steve hovered over him worriedly, tears gathering in his beautiful blue eyes. It almost felt like a dream. Maybe he was dreaming... Maybe he did pull the trigger and this was just the last thing he saw before he died. No, this seemed too real to be a dream. After a moment of staring, Bucky suddenly grabbed Steve by his cheeks and pulled him into a passionate kiss that he just couldn't wait any longer for. He half-expected Steve to pull away in disgust, but was surprised when he returned the kiss just as passionately.

And that was how he knew that he was enough for Steve. Steve hadn't left him. He was safe.

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