Li's thoughts on Mulan's life: from start to finish. 13 drabbles.

Pregnancy

Li was thirteen when she met the honourable Fa Zhou, fifteen when she was betrothed, sixteen when she ran away, and eighteen when she married him. She was nineteen when her first child was born, still. She was twenty when she lost her second child, twenty-one when she lost her third and twenty-three when she lost her fourth. Zhou was called away to war before they could try again. You must find another woman, a husband. To bear your children: I am inept. She wrote. Nonsense. I love you, and if no children are written in the stars for us, then who are we to question it? He replied from the frontlines.

Li just turned twenty-six when Zhou returned. She was now a decade over childbearing age. Before she turned thirty, she lost another two children. One lived long enough to pass the month of recovery, and they thought he would live healthily. Yet: the fever took him quietly and quickly in the night. Li turned thirty-two the day after her daughter Mulan graced the world. Her chubby face, pink with uproar of being born. Her fists shook angrily in the air as she screamed angrily, only hushing when she was fed.

"I am sorry she is not a son, husband. We will try again as soon as possible," Li said softly as she fed Mulan in the bed. Zhou took the baby from her chest, bouncing her gently. "Rest. Recover. You have given me a child, and that is all a man can ask for," He smiled.

~

Siblings

Mulan was a few months shy of a year old when Li and Zhou decided to try again, albeit by accident. This would mark her ninth pregnancy. She wrote her mama to visit from fear of losing another child. Her mama arrived with her elder sister, of whom had birthed 3 healthy sons and a daughter. Jua entertained Mulan for the first few days of their visit, while Ming-Na talked through Li's worries with her.

It was all pointless, for in the end, Li had another stillbirth, a son this time. She fell pregnant quickly again when Mulan had just learned to crawl: miscarrying as she hit her fifth month. Her mama rocked her as she sobbed, uncaring if anybody heard. Her mama left two months after that, passing down a jade comb. "I wore it with every pregnancy, and all eight of you came out healthy and pink," Li wore it every single day, and while the sentiment passed down, the luck didn't. She lost another child just before Zhou went off to war: and when it nearly took her life, they decided no more trying.

Instead, her father visited. Ming-Na was busy helping Jua birth her newest baby, something that made Li feel unpleasantly sick with jealousy. With his visit, her father brought a puppy he'd rescued. Mulan took to him immediately, calling him brother. Her father joked and said because he's so small, he would be called Little Brother: and so the name stuck forever.

~

Stereotypes

Fa Li tried to brand herself a traditional person: she wore her hanfu, she cleaned the house, she cooked for her husband and his mama, she tended to his farm, she baked, she took care of the infants of the village, and she only spoke when spoken to. Except, try as she might, her daughter would not conform to the rules. Her husband didn't help matters either: encouraging Mulan's wild tendencies with a sly smile. He returned from war with the Huns, after a long year away, injured and no longer allowed to serve. He was disabled now. Li nursed him to health whilst Grandma Ju watched after Mulan.

Li argued with Zhou when Mulan was one, the first time she'd ever done so. "Li, I will not have our daughter's feet bound. It is cruel and torturous," He said firmly. Li huffed. "She has boy feet! She will never fit into delicate shoes fit for a wife, Zhou!" Zhou had taken her hands with a soft sigh. "Li. It does not matter: she cannot carry on the family name, so it is not imperative that she marries well. Just so long as her husband loves her, yes?" Li sighed loudly. "Yes, I agree. But will the matchmaker agree? Will she have the same views as us?" Zhou opened his mouth just as Grandmother Ju spoke with a scoff.

"If that prissy tart denies Mulan marriage because of her feet, then she needs to find a new job,"

~

Growth

Li watched as Mulan blossomed into a young girl. Her face grew chubbier then slim. Her countryside nature grew stronger and her height climbed. At the ripe age of four, she stood at Li's waist and Zhou's hips. Little Brother aged with her, though he never grew in height. Mulan was a leggy youth: something that the village wives always pointed out. If she had half as much on her hips as she does her legs, she would be perfect for my son. They would say. Li would smile, brushing off the completely inappropriate comments made about her four-year-old.

One day, in particular, was a favourite memory of hers. Her beloved had returned from a small battle, a horse in tow. "Husband, what is this?" She asked. "I found him on my way home. He was being beaten. I could not let him stay," Li stroked the tall beast's snout. "For the love of god, do not let Mulan see him otherwise-" A squeal interrupted her sentence as a blur of black hair rushed to the horse, giggling and stroking him fondly. "Can we keep him, mama? Please!" Li sighed loudly as Mulan and the beast seemed to bond instantly. "His name is Khan, Mulan," Zhou said softly.

Mulan turned with her baby brown eyes. Li tutted. "So long as you take care of him,"

And that was that.

~

War

Mulan was six when Zhou was called away. He was away for three years, only returning in a medical cart. A parchment lay atop his sleeping chest. Fa Zhou has been honourable discharged from the army on a medical basis. He will, unfortunately, no longer serve. Signed: Captain Li. Ah yes. Li Yong. Zhou's dearest friend from childhood. To Li's distant memory, he had but one son and two daughters. Yong had asked to betroth Mulan to his son, but Zhou refused, saying he wanted Mulan to be old enough to voice an opinion.

Li had nursed Zhou back to health, cleaning his wound and making him exercise, despite the pleading and begging he threw her way. Mulan's tenth birthday came and went, along with Li's forty-second. Li was in the markets with Ju for the day, and when she returned, she found Mulan coaching her father across the courtyard to watch the sunset. The war finished another year later, around Mulan's eleventh birthday. A large sum of money was delivered by Yong personally, who also brought his family to celebrate the war finishing. Mulan wandered off with the eldest daughter, who a few moments later, ran back crying.

Mulan chased after her, covered in a brown substance. Li winced softly. "It's only mud, Su!" Su hid behind the son, who Li later knew as Shang. He flashed a wide grin at Mulan, wiped a hand down her muddy arm and began chasing Su, who sobbed loudly. The two children cackled as they chased the panicking girl.

~

Bullies

Li watched on sadly as Mulan trudged through the courtyard, caked in mud and squashed fruit. She wiped her face furiously, stomping into the house. "Mulan, your father has a new book for you to read," She commented lightly. "I don't care," Mulan whimpered as she slammed her bedroom door loudly. Li rubbed her arms as she cleared her throat. She walked out to the courtyard and picked up the remained of her shopping. "Here boy," She grabbed Khan's reins and tied him in the stable, next to Zhou's warhorse. She handed them both apples and let the destroyed fruit fall to their hooves. "Eat up,"

Mulan was bullied most days she ventured into the market. Li, Zhou and Ju journeyed with her on one occasion. A loud commotion brought them from the store they were in. "Mulan!" Li gasped loudly. Zhou hobbled over and cleared his throat loudly. Ju cackled. "Young man, care to explain?" He spoke sternly. "She hit me!"
"Only after he threw a rock at my head! That's why I'm bleeding!"
"Because you're a freak!"

Li didn't venture into the market for a while after that. Mulan had pounded the boy into the ground, only being pulled off when Zhou wrapped an arm around her waist, calmly walking on as she flailed in his arms.

~

Snide comments

"Have you seen her feet?"
"Nevermind that, what about her skin? She's far too dark!"
"Or lack of hips! She would die in birth,"
"She has no discipline,"
"Poor girl, such beauty wasted,"
"She'll never marry,"

Li walked on ahead, ignoring the comments directed at her and Zhou indirectly.

"Such a freak!"
"She-man!"
"Big feet!"
"Country girl!"
"Scarecrow,"
"Peasant,"

Fa Ju didn't let the comments slide: snapping at the young girls to, "Gǔn kāi!" They scrambled off, but not before stern looks were sent in Ju's direction. She shrugged. "If they have a problem, they know where we live,"

~

War

Li sat in the courtyard every day, waiting for Mulan and Khan to ride in. Zhou would be in the temple praying. The farm grew unkept for three months before help arrived. A knock disturbed Li's praying. She opened it to reveal a few young children. "Mulan protected us from bullies. We want to help do her chores while she is away,"

Li cried that night. Mulan had touched so many young girls with her strongness.

Another three months passed, making it half a year since Mulan left. Four villages fell to the Huns, only one in between them and the Huns now, and it was a very small village, less than two hours away by foot. But then: another two months went by, and Mulan arrived home, a tall man following shortly behind. Li was in too much shock to do anything but stand and watch as Mulan reunited with her father after a long eight months away. Li displayed the crest of the emperor in Mulan's room, though it was moved into the main area soon after. The young man stayed for two weeks before leaving.

Li was surprised to find out his name was Li Shang, much like the boy she briefly knew so long ago.

~

After

Li noticed the small things first. She saw Mulan's eye bags when she silently walked through the house just after the sun rose, sweaty and slumped over. She noticed the bones poking through her tanned skin next. Despite her best efforts, the bones didn't seem to sink back under her skin. Li saw the declining rate of Mulan's hanfu as well; though a single look from Zhou was all she needed. And that: her husband seemed to be with her less, focusing more on their daughter.

Li knew Mulan was having trouble adjusting to life after war: and Zhou was more than happy to help her through it. One night, after Mulan had fallen asleep on the blankets on the floor by the fire, Li confronted Zhou. He resigned. "She was wounded. Horribly, my love. I didn't want to worry you," He pulled apart Mulan's waist ribbon, revealing an angry red gash in her skin. Li covered her mouth in a gasp. "I bathe it and tend to it every five hours, my love. She cannot."

"She bled into her hanfu, didn't she?" Li asked. Zhou nodded. "She didn't want to worry you either, my love,"

They failed.

~

A new girl

Li watched from the window, smiling as Ju welcomed three men. "Mulan!" Ju called. "You've got visitors! Oh, go on ahead, she's that way." Mulan turned with a grin, running at the men. "Yao! Ling! Chien-Po!" She cackles. Li watches fondly, grabbing her husband's hand when it finds her arm.

The boys catch Mulan in midair with a flying tackle of their own, shrieking with glee, and land in the grass of the garden. Mulan tussles with the smaller one with the black eye and manages to get him into a headlock before the tall skinny pushes her down and shoves a handful of fallen flowers into her hair. "There we go," he smirks, "now you're an actual flower vase."

"Get off," Mulan laughs, and punctuates by flipping him into the bushes with her legs.

"Ping?" Li asked, confused. Zhou gave a one-shoulder shrug. "Perhaps that was the only masculine name she could think of," Li frowned. "But why ping? It means flower vase," Zhou chuckled. "Our daughter is many things, Li." He said. "Perhaps a white liar is not one of them,"

~

Marriage

"Li Shang, do you take Fa Mulan to be your lawfully wedded wife?" The offiator asked. "I do," Shang answered, smiling. "Do you promise to love, honour, cherish, and protect her, forsaking all others, and holding only unto her forevermore?"

"I do,"

The officiator turned to Mulan.
"Fa Mulan, do you take Li Shang to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
She took a breath "I do,"
"Do you promise to love, honour, cherish, and protect him, forsaking all others, and holding only unto him forevermore?"

She grinned. "I do,"

The officator smiled. "And now by the power vested in me by the Emperor, it is my honour and delight to declare you Mr and Mrs Li."

The villiage erupted into cheers and whsitles, celebrating the marriage of Mulan and Shang. Li wiped a tear from her eye, cupping her daughter's face. "I am so proud of you, Mulan," Mulan's eye wept a small tear. Li wiped it away with her thumb. "Now go, enjoy your party and your husband,"

~

Children

"Ok, Mulan, I need you to stop pushing," The midwife said from her feet. Mulan cried softly. "Why? Is something wrong?" Li rubbed her shoulder. "No, no. Your daughter is just fine. She's being cleaned over there," Mulan panted, trying to recover from the recent contraction. "What then?" She asked. Li peered over, meeting the midwive's worried face.

"It would appear that you had another hiding,"

Li blinked. Mulan sniffed. "What?" She shut her eyes. "You have another baby to deliver,"

Mulan's eyes widened. "No. No, I-I can't have twins! I didn't sign up for twins!" She dropped onto the pillow, fisting her eyes. "I'm too tired, I can't do it," She cried. The midwife made a sympathetic sound. "I'm sorry honey, but you need to deliver this one,"

Mulan sobbed. "I don't wanna do this anymore mama, please," She cried. "Oh honey, I know. But you don't have a choice, you've gotta get the baby out," Li pushed some hair out of Mulan's face.

"Thirty seconds and then I need you to give me the biggest push you can,"

Mulan cried quietly. "I want Shang," She sobbed. Li tutted, fighting away the guilt. "Honey, he's not allowed in here" She said. Mulan sniffed. "I don't care, I want him," She cried.

"Are you ready?" The nurse asked. Li grabbed Mulan's shoulder. "Mulan, you listen to me." She shuddered. "He may not be here right now, but I am. And I need you to give it all you've got to get that baby out safely. Can you do that?"

Mulan looked up and nodded determinedly. "On three,"

She let out a loud groan of pain. "Ok, I can see the head. Two, maybe three more pushes Mulan, and they'll be here... you ready?" The midwife spoke, gloves on and positioned. Mulan, too tired to speak, nodded.

Li dabbed her forehead with a cloth. She stared into the tear stained eyes of her daughter. She battled internally: "Jing, wait. One second." She hurried out. "Is she ok?" Shang immediately asked. Li grabbed his arm. "Come in, she's struggeling,"

Li took one side, while Mulan's husband took the other. She held her hand tightly, nodding at the midwife. "Ready?" Jing asked. Mulan panted heavily. Her long groan trailed into a scream as the pain became unbearable.

Suddenly, it stopped.
Mulan's head fell back as she panted.

Li waited anxiously, biting her lip.

Then,
Suddenly,
There is was.
The tell-tale sign of a baby.

Li stepped back, smilign widely. "Well done, Mulan. I'm so proud of you!," Shang whispered, holding one of the babies in his arms. Li rubbed her shoulder with a wide grin. "Good girl," She whispered.

~

Death

You should never have to bury your child. Li's mother said as she miscarried again. I am sorry, my love. She said, rocking her daughter back and forth as Li cried over the eighth child she lost. Mulan padded in the hallway, gurgling to herself, oblivious to whatever was going on. "Perhaps another child is not in the cards, for you my love," Ming-Na comforted. Li sobbed quietly.

Ming-Na passed away when Mulan turned three, and after Li suffered her tenth miscarriage, they decided no more children. How right she was, Li reflected calmly. You should never have to bury your child. Yet: here she stood, in her sangfu watching as her daughter's pyre covered in the blossoms from their garden was lit alight in the village square.

She pulled her eldest granddaughter into her side, hushing her as she sobbed for her ma. Her beloved Zhou leaned heavily on his cane now, well into his seventies. He placed a single blossom on the stones beneath the pyre after it smoked. "Take care of her, ancestors," He said softly. Li shuddered but held strong for her grandchildren. Nobody should have to lose their mother.

She insisted her daughter's husband, and soulmate, Li Shang, stayed on the estate for a few days until he felt good enough to return to his estate with the children. They stayed for two weeks before leaving. Li shed not a single tear while they stayed. Once the carriage dust had settled on the road once more, she fell to her knees, screaming and crying.

Ancestors, why did you have to take all my children from me?