Ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Gusto kong patigilin, pero hindi ko alam kung paano.

"Tungkol sa ating dalawa?"

I started to feel nervous. Should I also tell him what my situation is? About being pregnant?

Pumunta kami sa lugar kung saan makakapag-usap kami nang malaya. 'Yong kaming dalawa lang. More likely in a lush area with many plants and flowers.

"I learned that our parents are rivals," panimula niya. "I wasn't aware before since I ran away from them and I'm living alone. And when they learned that I transferred schools, met you, and became friends with you, they told me not to associate with you," pagpapatuloy niya.

And there, I figured out that we might be in the same situation. His parents might not want him to approach me either, just like my father wants me to do so. Maybe that's why Jhon Rey needed that space before, especially when something happened to us. He may be experiencing the same chaos inside as I am.

"I was bombarded with things I'm trying to solve that's why I asked for time to think, especially about what happened to us."

I nodded. Tama nga ako. I can see now why he suddenly said those words when I asked him hypothetically. Maybe he was just carried away by a gust of emotion. Naiintindihan ko, pero hindi ko maiwasang masaktan—thinking that he was not ready for me because he doesn't love me either.

"Did you do it on purpose?"

Napakunot ang noo ko sa tanong niya. "What do you mean, Jhon Rey?"

"Did you plan it all? Seduce me, so something will happen between the two of us?"

I was shocked by his accusations. "W-what?"

"Iyon lang ang naiisip kong dahilan kung bakit nangyari lahat ng ito. This is not what I meant when I said you could use me."

I grimaced in disappointment. I never imagined that I would hear this from him.

"Anong pinupunto mo, Jhon Rey?"

Nakakaramdam ako ng init. Hindi pa tapos ang araw at heto, may nangyayari na namang mas lalong nagiging dahilan ng stress ko. Ramdam ko ang pinaghalo-halong emosyon sa loob ko at ang umiibabaw ay ang poot. I feel like I will burst at any moment.

"I mean, I told you to use me as an excuse to get rid of your ex-boyfriend, or maybe make him jealous so he can come back to you. I don't know your reason, but I was just willing to help you, and now you seem so fine. Mukhang nagkabalikan na kayo. Magpapakasal na ba kayo?"

Mas lalong nagsalubong ang mga kilay ko. Hindi ko maintindihan kung saan patungo ang pag-uusap naming dalawa. Hindi ito ang inaasahan kong pag-uusapan namin. "Bakit ganiyan ang mga tanong mo?"

"I want to know if I became useful enough to you, and if we can stop this now."

I was stunned. There are no words left to come out. I was gasping air like I was trying to calm myself.

"I don't want you to use me against your father, because I feel like you're doing it."

I closed my eyes, trying to compose myself. I don't want to make a scene here, kahit na pwede ko namang gawin dahil wala namang makakikita sa amin bukod sa aming dalawa. Nakakapagod. Gusto ko siyang tanungin. Pagod na ako sa mga bagay na nangyayari sa paligid ko pero ang tanging nasambit ko lang ay, "I am not using you against my father," matigas kong sabi habang pinipigilan ang mga luhang nagbabadyang bumagsak.

I never thought I would feel annoyed with the person I used to admire. I want to understand him because he may be feeling exhausted like I am, but what I don't understand is where his suspicions come from that I am using him against my father when all I did was choose him beyond death.

"Then why did you start all of this when you know that we're not supposed to be together? I know you're aware of who I am because your father may have warned you before. Why did you let all of these things happen?"

Napasinghap ako. "Was that the reason why you wanted to talk to me? To blame me for everything? I never wanted to use you; you just kept on insisting! And if you thought I was approaching you to rebel against my father, no, I am not doing that. How many times have I told myself that I would stop looking at you but always end up being with you?"

I once again remembered the night I thought would be my last. If I had just never insisted on going to that party, maybe I would not be experiencing this miserable life.

"Do you like what happened that night?" he uttered firmly. I can sense that he's starting to hate me.

Hindi ko na alam ang sasabihin pa. Hindi ko naman masasabing hindi ko gusto ang nangyari dahil una sa lahat, may pagpipilian akong humindi pero pumayag ako. Ako lang ba ang may gusto ng nangyari? Ayaw niya ba talaga sa akin? Bakit? Paano? Pakiramdam ko noong gabing 'yon gustong-gusto niya ako.

Napabuga ako. It's funny how he wants to end us when we haven't even started anything.

"Hindi ko ba naipakita sa 'yo?" giit ko sa kaniya. That made him shut up.

"Look, I know where you are coming from, and I'm in a mess too. I assumed that there was something between us, and that's why I let it happen. Baka nga tama ka; kasalanan kong lahat. Nasa akin ang problema. At kung naabala man kita, sorry. Sana lang ay hindi mo ako kamuhian," mahaba kong litanya habang tinatanggap ang pagkatalo.

I wanted to cry, but I forced myself not to. I would like him to understand that my words are not intended to convince him to remain with me. This is my sincere feeling.

Pinili kong iwan siya sa lugar na iyon dahil pakiramdam ko, wala na akong dahilan pa para manatili. Agad kong nakita ang sasakyan ni Derrick na wari ba'y naghihintay para sa akin. Derrick opened the door and made way for me to come in. And there, I never stopped myself from crying.

I noticed how Derrick came out when he saw me bawling inside the car. Hindi siya nagtanong pero bakas sa mukha niya ang pag-aalala. Sana lang ay hindi niya sabihin kay Dad ang mga nakikita niya ngayon na nangyayari sa buhay ko.

My heart hurts so much. Hindi ako makahinga. I want to release all my feelings by crying them all out. There are many things about which I regret. Dapat hindi ko na itinulak pa ang sarili ko palapit sa kaniya dahil, mas lalo lang iyon naging dahilan ng paglayo niya sa akin. Sana wala nalang nagsimula para walang nagtapos nang ganito.

Napatingin ako sa pinto nang magbukas ito. Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ba ako kay Derrick nang abutan niya ako ng sandamukal na box ng tissue. Sinulyapan niya lang ako bago siya muling lumabas. Dahil sa ginawa niya, umatras ang mga luha ko. Pati na rin ang realization na kahit anong iyak ang gawin ko ay hindi nito mababago ang sitwasyon ko. But, it feels lesser now.

A few moments passed when Derrick came in to drive. We were in an awkward silence. Nakaramdam ako ng hiya nang maalalang nakita niya akong pumapalahaw ng iyak kanina. Maybe now he's wondering why I was crying so hard earlier, but I hope he doesn't ask anymore.

"I would appreciate it if you wouldn't tell my father that I cried," I mumbled and tried to clear my throat.

"Can I know the reason in exchange?"

I gasped in surprise. Hindi ko alam na tsismoso din pala siya. I saw him glance at the rearview, where he saw me squint.

"Was it because of that guy?" he assumed.

"Who's guy?" I asked.

"Should I tell him his name? Wouldn't that make you cry even more?"

I am shocked. I wasn't aware that he could tease me like I was his close friend. Do I really have no allies in this world?

"Alright. I won't tell your father, just like how I did not do so when you escaped that night."

Napanganga ako sa ipinagtapat niya. So he knew it all along and acted like he wasn't aware?

"Why haven't you told my father?" Is he going to use that card against me someday?

"That will put you in so much trouble."

Napaatras ako at napaayos ng upo. Pinagmasdan ko siyang maigi habang nagmamaneho ng sasakyan. Mukhang marami siyang nalalaman tungkol sa akin at mukhang alam niya rin ang nangyari bago ako tumakas ng gabing iyon.

"So if you wouldn't mind, you can tell me what's bothering you so I can help you."

I looked at him. That convinced me that he was not telling my father everything about me. So, hindi siya ganoon ka-loyal kay dad? Kanino pala?

"And if it's about that guy, I know I'm not in the right place to remind you, but you don't know him, Miss Velasco. There's a great reason why your father is against him. It wasn't just about the business."

"Why? What do you know about him?"

*****

I couldn't sleep that night. I was crying the entire time I finally entered my room. A lot of things happened in just one day, and it exhausted me so much. I feel like I've got this heavy burden on my back.

What should I do now?

What will happen to this child I am bearing?

Ni hindi man lang ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataong maipagtapat kay Jhon Rey ang tungkol dito. And the fact that Anne Marie doesn't know this yet makes me feel more alone in this world.

I picked up my ballpoint pen and wrote it all out on paper.

The me inside is screaming for help and shaking from the cold. It feels colder because I am alone tonight.

I really need help. And that someone is the only one who could help me.

I guess I only have this chance to write this.

"To you who have wounded me the most..."