I woke up naked. I saw myself not in my room, and there I remembered what happened last night. Totoo nga. Nangyari lahat kagabi at narito ako sa kwarto ni Jhon Rey. I can prove it because it hurts... It hurts down there.

Mabilis akong bumangon para hanapin ang mga damit ko bago nagbihis. I went out of the room to find Jhon Rey, but what greeted me was chaos. The whole unit is in a mess because of the party that happened last night. Nagkalat ang mga lobo sa sahig; ang iba ay ang confetti. May mga bote pa ng alak na nasa bawat sulok ng kwarto. Masasabi ngang nag-enjoy ang lahat sa birthday party ni Jhon Rey.

I suddenly remembered my gift. Tama. Hindi ko pa nga pala naibibigay sa kaniya 'yong regalong inihanda ko. Ang dami kasing nangyari kagabi, kaya hindi ko naibigay. At dahil sa naalala ko, muli akong napangiti pero saglit lang iyon. Nawala ang ngiti ko nang makita ko si Jhon Rey sa may kusina na na nakaupo sa tapat ng lamesa. Napatigil ako sa paglalakad nang makita ang bagay na naroon sa harap niya.

Condoms.

I felt nervous when he glanced at me with those horrifying looks, as if something had happened that wasn't in the plan.

"I forgot to use it, Sheen. Paano kung mabuntis ka?"

Parang may bumara sa lalamunan ko nang marinig ko ang sinabi niya. Umakyat sa dibdib ko ang takot. Disappointment took the place of the overwhelming emotions. Kahit ang mga tuhod ko'y biglang nanghina at napaupo na lang ako sa may hagdanan.

"Hindi mo ba ako kayang panindigan?" tanong ko habang sinusubukang kumalma kahit na nagpapanic na ako sa loob. Hearing that from him feels so wrong. What I said may sound like I am pressuring him, but I just want to know to get some assurance.

There is a trace of frustration on his face, and because of that, I feel miserable. Ibang-iba siya kagabi. Kita ko ang saya ng mukha niya habang ginagawa namin iyon, pero bakit tila ba parang naging ibang tao siya?

"Hindi pa ako handang maging ama."

Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Gusto kong magmura. Hindi ako makahinga. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling ang pasensya ko pero gusto ko nang sumigaw. Gusto kong isigaw ang sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayong para niya akong iniwan sa ere. I just feel betrayed and I don't know why I can't voice it out.

"Hindi sa 'yo," dagdag pa niya. I could clearly see how his hand gestures and facial expressions showed as if he couldn't accept what happened. Nangliliit ako.

"Hindi sa 'kin?" naiinis kong tanong.

"Hindi kita mahal."

Muntik na akong matawa. Gusto ko siyang sampalin pero wala akong karapatan para gawin 'yon. Ginusto ko ang nangyari kagabi. Hinayaan ko siyang may gawin sa akin dahil gusto ko. Gusto niya rin naman 'yon, hindi ba? Pero bakit parang ang dali para sa kaniyang saktan ako at ipamukha sa akin na hindi niya ako mahal. Pwede naman siyang magsinungaling kahit kaunti. Pwede naman niyang sabihing dala lang ng alak pero bakit parang ipinapasa niya sa akin lahat ng kasalanan?

"Ipanalangin mo na lang na hindi ka mabuntis," sambit niya bago siya naglakad paalis.

Iniwan niya ako.

Napasapo na lang ako sa mukha. Dahil sa ginawa niya, nakikita ko ngayong wala talaga siyang nararamdaman para sa akin. But I just can't understand. I thought there was something between us. How he touched me that night, how he moaned my name. Am I the one who just feels that way? Assuming lang ba ako?

Fear settled in my chest. Paano na lang nga kung magising na lang akong isang umaga na may laman na sa sinapupunan ko? Paano kung malaman 'to ni dad? Papatayin niya na ba ako?

A ringing sound abruptly interrupted my thoughts. Hinanap ko ang bag ko at nakita ko 'yon sa kwarto. Laking gulat ko nang makita ang dami ng missed calls ni mom, at ganoon din ang messages. Napapikit na lang ako nang maalalang tumakas nga lang pala ako kagabi. Masyado akong napasarap at nakalimutan kong hindi nga pala ako dapat umalis.

I bit my nails. Her latest messages made me even more nervous... She was telling me that my father was on his way home. Lalong rumagasa ang takot sa dibdib ko.

Even though my body hurt, I hastened to leave that place.

Sunod-sunod ang buntong hininga ko habang nakasakay sa cab. I forgot I was supposed to go home before midnight, but here I am running my life because the sun is now up. Gusto kong sampalin ang mukha ko dahil sa napakalaking katangahang ginawa ko. Things would never be this bad if I just listened.

I started to hate myself just remembering what Jhon Rey said. Hindi ko mapigilang tanungin ang sarili ko. Hindi ba ako kamahal-mahal? Hindi ba ako maganda?

Kung hindi niya ako mahal, bakit ganoon siya makatingin sa akin? Sa lalim ng tingin niya sa mga mata ko, umasa akong ako ang babaeng gusto niyang makasama. Nag-expect lang ba ako nang sobra? Ako lang ba talaga? Am I just ahead of myself? Hindi niya ba talaga ako kayang panagutan?

The problem isn't there yet, but here I am overthinking.

Siguro tama nga si Jhon Rey. Ipanalangin ko na lang na walang mabuo sa tiyan ko.

It was only a few hours before I got off the taxi. I went to the back door, and that's when I saw dad's expensive car passing by the front gate.

I immediately feel the cold grain of sweat dripping on the side of my face. Ang puso ko'y parang sasabog sa kaba. Hindi rin ako makahinga nang maayos. Pakiramdam ko, nagtatago ako kay satanas.

Sinubukan kong pakalmahin ang sarili ko bago ako pumasok sa back door papunta sa dirty kitchen. Kailangan kong makabalik kaagad sa kwarto ko para hindi malaman ni dad na wala ako. Hindi niya dapat malaman na tumakas ako. Hindi niya ako dapat makita.

I was holding the doorknob and was about to open it when I heard footsteps.

"Where's your daughter?"

Napapikit ako nang makita ang anino ni dad na papalapit sa akin. Bakti sa lahat ng daang tatahakin niya, dito pa sa lugar kung saan ako nagtatago?

"In her room."

I heard my mother answer. I gulped. Nagsisinungaling siya dahil sa akin.

"How was she?"

I peeked to see mommy, and that's when our eyes met. I can see the surprise in her reaction.

"I don't think she's fine. She didn't even go out to eat. I'll check with her later. Come on, go to your room, I'll prepare your clothes and your bath," sunod-sunod na sambit ni mom habang kinuha niya ang coat ni dad.

I breathed a sigh of relief when they disappeared from my sight. I took the opportunity to go back to my room. I caught my breath while leaning on the door of my room that I carefully closed earlier. I went to the shower room to change my clothes and took a shower.

I was stunned when I saw my reflection in the mirror. Muli ko na namang naalala ang nangyari kagabi. A moment of happiness and freedom that I never thought I would enjoy.

I held my body while the water soaked my hair down to my thighs. The hot steam from the heater makes me feel sexier. Maybe that's the reason Jhon Rey felt the same way last night. I couldn't blame him if he forgot to use protection if he was too carried away like me.

And also, I can understand why he acted that way earlier. Maybe he is also afraid of the consequences of what we did. Right, I shouldn't be angry with him. Dapat intindihin kong hindi niya ako mahal dahil kakikilala lang namin. Hindi ako dapat magalit sa kaniya dahil at least nagsasabi siya nang totoo. Maybe we were just carried away last night by the gust of our emotions aroused by the alcohol.

Ilang sandali pa nang may kumatok sa pinto. I was scared for a moment, thinking that it was my father barging in again, but thankfully, it was my mother. I was dressed when she entered, and she immediately approached me. I can see how worried she is because I just got home this time.

"Saan ka galing? Pinag-alala mo ako. Natulog ka ba sa anak ng Carpio?" sunod-sunod na tanong ni mom.

"N-no, Mom." Iniwas ko ang tingin ko. "I slept with my classmate. Hindi na nila ako pinauwi kasi hating-gabi na raw kaya ngayon lang ako," pagsisinungaling ko. She seemed not to be convinced by it, but she didn't ask any more questions.

"Alright. Ang mabuti ay narito ka na at nakauwi ka nang buo. I was just worried that your father would learn about this. Good thing you made it on time." Pinagmasdan niyia ako. "Kumusta ka? Mukhang pagod na pagod ka? Did the party go well?"

I nodded. "Yes, mom. We had so much fun."

"I see. I'm happy that you enjoyed your night. What do you want to eat? I'll cook for you."

Umiling ako. "Okay lang po ako. Mas gusto ko pong magpahinga."

"Sigurado ka?"

"Yes, mom. I'll call you when I'm hungry. I'm just going to catch up on sleep because I was up last night."

She nodded and stroked my arm. "Fine. Call me. I'm just outside."

Sinara niya na ang pinto nang makalabas siya. Katulad ng sinabi ko, ay humiga ako sa kama at napatingin sa kisame. And just like earlier, I keep on remembering what happened last night, as if my body is asking for it again.

I closed my eyes and tried to stop myself.

It can't be.

My naivety has been opened.

This flesh is unbearable.

My body is longing for it.

I suddenly remembered how Jhunel and I only did it via video calls. I was satisfied and pleased just by doing it virtually, and I never imagined that the feeling was really different when it's actual. Talagang hahanapin muli ng katawan mo at totoo nga, nangyayari na sa akin.

Dumating ang lunes at hinayaan ako ni dad na pumasok sa school, pero mukhang mas naging mapagmasid ang minion niya. Pakiramdam ko mas naging malapit siya kaysa noon na hindi ko siya maramdaman o matanaw.

Kahit nasa classroom na ako, naroon siya sa di kalayuan na para bang wala nang pakialam kung makita ko. May suot pa siyang binoculars habang pinanonood ako. Pakiramdam ko, mayroon akong stalker. Minsan, kinakabahan ako kung kahit ba pagpunta ko sa banyo ay tinatanaw niya ako. Katulad na lang ngayon na nasa comfort room ako. Narito rin ba siya sa paligid?

I was about to get out of the cubicle when I heard someone's voice.