-ˋˏ ༻☁︎༺ ˎˊ-

I'm Mr. Sad Teddy. I just recently realized that Khaemi, my owner, has been trying so hard not to hug me anymore. Hindi na kagaya noon na sa bawat pagpatak ng luha niya, ako ang sumasalo. Mas pinipili na niyang yakapin ang kaibigan kong si Blanket na ibinalunbon niya para lamang magawang iyakan.

I am actually envious towards my friend Blanket. She's been hearing Khaemi's problems that I used to listen to. She's been receiving Khaemi's tears that I used to catch. She's been on the exact place where I used to be. Wala akong ibang maramdaman kundi tampo sapagkat wala man lang pasabi si Khaemi sa biglaan niyang pag-iwas sa akin.

Alam kong bago pa lang ako sa buhay niya. I'm just three months old in Khaemi's place. Leo gave me as a gift to her. Si Leo nga pala ang first love ni Khaemi. I can vividly remember how her eyes twinkled after seeing me. 'Yung higpit ng yakap niya sa akin sa una naming pagkikita, hinding-hindi ko makalilimutan ang pakiramdam na 'yun.

I missed it so much.

Sa unang buwan ko na si Khaemi ang palaging katabi, wala akong ibang inisip kundi ang maging palagi lang siyang bantayan. Sa pagtulog, sa pag-aral, sa pag-iyak, at lalong-lalo na sa paggising. Sobrang saya ko dahil palagi siyang nakangiti sa gabi sa tuwing yayakapin niya ako ng napakahigpit.

Wala yatang araw na hindi ko siya nakikitang matingkad ang ngiti. She's like a light gleaming with so much positivity. Not until one night, after she lightened up the dark room I was in, she slammed the door as her body directed on the chair beside her desk. She frustratedly sighed and messed her hair up. One second later, I realized that she started crying.

That was the very first time I saw her broke down. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin. Ang alam ko lang ay nalulungkot akong nakikita siya sa gano'ng sitwasyon. Nasanay akong palagi lamang siyang masaya. I was so used at her being the sun that gives sunshine in her world that I forgot that sometimes, it can be cloudy too and that her rays won't reach us.

Half of an hour or so, I remember her walking towards her bed and then there I received a very unusual hug of her. It was so tight but at the same time so weak. I can feel her tiredness, her pain. She hugged me like I was the only thing that she could ever hold on to. Ito rin ang unang beses na naramdaman ko ang bawat patak ng mga luha niya.

Sa gitna ng kaniyang pagtulog, pinagmasdan ko ang mukha niyang natuyuan na ng luha. She mumbled something: "Leo... why?" And then she started crying in her sleep again.

Tatlong araw lamang yata siya sa gano'ng sitwasyon. Napansin ko rin na sa tuwing kakatok si 'Ma, ang nanay ni Khaemi, ay kusa niyang pasisiglahin ang boses niya kapag sasagot. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ginagawa niya 'yun. Kung hindi talaga niya kaya maging araw sa buhay ng mga nakapaligid sa kaniya, bakit niya pa pipiliting maging gano'n? Sa tingin ko isa siyang tanga sa parteng 'yun.

Matapos ang tatlong araw na 'yun ay nagsimulang bumalik ang kasiglahan kay Khaemi. Naging masaya ako kasi ramdam kong hindi niya ito pinepeke. Tunay siyang masaya. Bumalik ang mga yakap at kwento niya kagaya noong unang mga araw ko sa piling niya. It was a moment that could never be equaled by anyone or anything. It was a pure heaven.

For my second month of laying in Khaemi's fluffy bed, I got used with her ranting sessions and breakdowns. Madalas siyang magsabi ng: "Ano tingin nila sa akin, tanga? I-aassign ko ba sa kanila 'yun kung copy-paste lang 'yung kailangan ko? Lord, bakit mo ako biniyayaan ng ganitong groupmates!" o hindi naman kaya: "Lord, alam kong cute ako but why must I suffer with these shits?"

Sa buong buwan na 'yun ay mas nakilala ko si Khaemi. I realized that she was not just a sun in her garden but also a rain that needs pouring. Mas naitindihan ko kung paano at sino si Khaemi sa mundong ginagalawan niya. May mga oras lang talagang binabalot siya ng kabaitan niyang madalas ay nauuwi sa katangahan. Sa mga oras na gano'n ay kundi luha, mabigat na buntong hininga ang sinasalo ko mula sa kaniya.

I'm actually feeling secured in Khaemi's presence. Alam kong sa mga susunod pang mga buwan ay ganito na palagi ang sistema namin. I am her only friend that she can talk to without fear of being judged. I am her only favorite thing to hug aside from Leo. I am her only teddy bear that will never leave her side. But based on her actions for the past few days, I think I should change the "is" to "was".

It's really unfair. Ang layo ko na sa dating pwesto ko sa tuwing matutulog siya. In fact, I am not part of her bed anymore. The one that used to be the main character on her bed turned out now to be just one of the displays on her bedside table. The loneliness that I've been feeling was indirectly proportionate with my emotion back when I first felt Khaemi's genuine embrace.

And this morning, I couldn't bare it in any way. I have decided to confront Blanket about Khaemi's sudden changes. Ito ang pinaka tamang oras sapagkat sabay-sabay kaming lalabahan ni 'Ma. Mahirap mang makipag-usap ng ganito kaseryosong usapin habang umiikot sa washing machine ay wala na akong magagawa. I needed to compromise just to know the underlying truth about Khaemi's reason.

I'm widely aware that this confrontation might hurt me in the process but I will push through anyway. Ayokong lumipas na naman ang isang araw na may tampo ako kay Khaemi. I want to stop thinking about how unfair her treatments she's been giving me. I want to end this kind of thinking because I know how a great person she actually is. Ako dapat ang pinaka-nakakaalam niyan.

"Blanke---" Hindi ko pa natatapos ang sasabihin ko nang unahan ako niya ako sa pagsasalita.

"Teddy bear, indirectly, sinasaktan mo si Khaemi." Walang emosyong sambit ni Blanket. "I think it's better if you just stay as a memory in her."

I felt a pang of pain striked inside my cotton heart. "Anong ibig mong sabihin, Blanket?"

"Mas mabuting 'wag mo nang pangarapin na makababalik ka pa sa kama ni Khaemi dahil malabo na 'yun." Saglit siyang hindi nakapagsalita dahil natabunan siya ni Pillowcase nang umikot kami sa loob ng washing machine. "Wala akong sama ng loob sa'yo Teddy Bear kaya 'wag mo sanang masamain ang mga sinasabi ko."

"I'm really confused, Blanket. Bakit ganito nalang ako tratuhin ni Khaemi?" Si Blanket ang pinakaunang inilagay sa dryer at ako naman ang panghuli. Dahil dito ay hindi ko naintindihan masyado ang naging sagot niya. Ang tanging malinaw ko lamang na narinig ay ang pangalan ng taong nagregalo sa akin kay Khaemi, si Leo.

Sa ilang oras na nakabilad kami sa araw, wala akong ibang naisip kundi pagdugtong-dugtongin ang mga posibleng dahilan sa likod ng pagtrato ni Khaemi sa akin. I came up with two reasonable hypothesis: (1) Leo hurt Khaemi for the nth time, or (2) The two broke up. Both are reasonable but frightening.

Nang umuwi si Khaemi, bumungad sa akin ang lungkot sa mata niya nang makita niya ako sa dati kong pwesto sa higaan niya. She spent a minute staring at me before hastily averting her gaze towards something else. It's starting to get clearer now. Malaki ang posibilidad na isa sa dalawa sa hinala kong rason ay tama.

As usual, for my third month inside her bedroom, she spent hours typing something in front of my friend Personal Computer. Nakatalikod man siya, alam ko kung gaano na siya kapagod dahil sa minu-minuto niyang paghilot sa balikat niya. Gusto kong ilagay niya ulit ako sa likod niya para makasandal siya ng maayos... kagaya ng dati. That thoight just made me gloom more.

When the arrow pointed exactly at 1 am, she finally turned my friend Personal Computer off to sleep. Sa pagharap niya sa akin, nagulat ako nang makita ang umaagos na luha sa mga mata niyang halata ang pagod at lungkot. And for the first time in weeks, she suddenly jumped at me and then there... I finally felt her familiar embrace again.

"Fvck you, Leo. Fvck you." Paulit-ulit ang panunuya ni Khaemi. Alam kong galit siya ngunit mas nangibabaw ang panghihina sa kaniyang boses. "Why would you hurt me this way? If you really love me... if you really love me..."

Khaemi buried her face more in me as she hugged me so tight that I might have died if I have only been a human. Madiin din ang paghawak niya sa aking magkabilang braso na puno lamang ng bulak. I'm genuinely thankful that I'm made up of cottons or else I'm doomed.

As her kind teddy bear, I stayed still.

"Bakit sa tuwing aalis ako, tsaka mo lang pinapakita na ayaw mo akong mawala?" Sinuntok ako ni Khaemi sa aking cotton tummy. "Kung ayaw mo talaga akong umalis, tratuhin mo ako ng tama! Ang tanga tanga mo, Leo! Ang tanga tanga mo..."

I might be a teddy bear but I knew how relationship works. And at this point, I realized that Leo and Khaemi were in the verge of breaking apart. Based on Khaemi's rants, Leo hurt her again. I actually can't come up with a rational viewpoint about Khaemi's decision of compromising with Leo's fvcked set-up. Khaemi should know better of her worth.

Apparently, going back with Blanket's perspective earlier, once they broke up, there's a chance that I will just be a forever bitter memory stocked behind the glasses of Khaemi's cupboard. I don't want that. I did noting wrong so why must I suffer like this? Khaemi did nothing wrong so why must she suffer like this?

It was all Leo's fault.

"I'm sorry Leo but I think I needed you out of my life." Khaemi cried endlessly that night. I kept cursing Leo in my mind for hurting Khaemi like this until I realized that...

... that I was the Leo she keeps on ranting about.

And then everything went on a haze. Several flashbacks of how she used to call me whenever she's telling something to me...

"Leo, Leo! Alam mo ba, I just aced Ms. Mariano's examination? I'm such a real cutie with a brain! Sayang busy ka with your online game tournament, hindi ko tuloy agad masabi sa'yo."

"Oh my goodness. Leo, look! Someone commented that my works are worth seeing in one of the bookstores! Hala shet, kung hindi ka lang tulog ngayon, I should have called you right away."

"I'm really sad, Leo. If only you were here, I should have been under your embrace."

Leo... Maybe that was the reason why Leo gave me to Khaemi. I am his substitute so that Khaemi wouldn't be so sad if he's nowhere to be found.. so that he can do whatever he wanted to do because I am here to made up his negligence. I really don't get it because Leo has his every mean to come and make Khaemi happy. Why must he leave Khaemi with something that can barely show comfort for her?

Leo, that's totally fvcked mindset of yours. Ngayon tuloy, kahit ako ay damay sa katangahan mo.

"I loved you. It's all over now."

The morning after her breakdown, Khaemi enveloped me with her comforting arms. I never knew that that was the last hug I will be sharing with her.

"And in order to move forward, I needed to erase every single memory that reminded me of you."

Khaemi did not discarded me though. Maybe there's still a part of her that loves Leo. Or, maybe it was the comfort I made her feel that pushed her to just stocked me among her childhood dolls.

I am a sad teddy bear but it's more despairing to know that from now on, I will be just a forever memory that she both wanted to cherish and forget.

-ˋˏ ༻☁︎༺ ˎˊ-