Hello Everyone!!

Sorry for coming late, as my lappy fell ill..lol.

So i'm not blabbering much...

Happy reading..

----------------------

Happiness had come sailing into my life..With every sunrise, I had begun looking forward to an exciting new day..In fact the anticipation would begin in the night itself, when I prepared for sleep. I would close my eyes with the happy realization that when I would open them again, it would be a new day, which would present me with a new opportunity to meet him. I don't exactly remember the last time in life when I had looked forward to a new day.

But then this happiness too wasn't absolute. Soaked in the guilt, at times I would have to tell a lie, at times, I would only need to conceal the truth.. Either way, it didn't feel right. Comparatively, telling a lie felt more wrong than hiding the truth. But either case, it felt wrong. The price of overlooking my conscience was heavy and yet I pay it.

I had begun to make up excuses to meet Arjun. We talked beyond gym hours and on rare occasions I even met him on the days he didn't train me..there were plenty of stores in the mall with the gym. I could plan enough reasons to visit the mall and plan bumping on Arjun. The thrilling attention that I received in return from Young handsome guy was worth all the efforts.

I began to take safety measures that no body could caught me. The notification display of my WhatsApp was turned OFF. The chat history between Arjun and me was regularly deleted so that the phone carried just the suitable transaction of messages between trainer and his client.

Not that the conversation that got deleted were dirty or sexual in any manner....we were still far from it...but they were definitely flirtatious, or at least I felt so, given the context of my own feelings..

Often lying on my bed, with my eyes shut, I had begun to imagine him in more intimate ways than I had ever done in the days before. I started to blush from such things. Yet , all this while , I knew this was only temporary..that sooner or later it will end..it has to END!! But then I was that bird who escaped the cage for limited time.

I wanted to sail high and fast for I knew the moment I touched the ground, I would be caged again..

But I wanted to break those society handcuffs which are only claimed for girls...I wanted to be like those girls who never cared about what other thinks about them but their own heart.

Let me have my share of light..Let me live my life a little...Let me feel that Sunshine...Let me feel That Rain...Let me be myself....

I thought to myself to drown the guilt.

In my mind, it was beginning of an affair between Arjun and me , Yet, neither of us had confessed of it to each other. Perhaps, we never felt the need to even talk about it.. Perhaps, discussing it would have made us step back. So we proceeded, naturally, relying upon the intangibles than the looking for tangibles evidence to verfy anything.

None of us crossed the very evident but invisible physical lines...we never kissed, we never touched each other the way that it would make us take responsibility for our action..

It was silent affair between our thoughts, our minds and our hearts..

The words never direct . they always implied something touching and it was left to the other person to interpret it..

Just like the other day when he said --- I like your type.. on certain occasions, the smileys did the job wonderfully of conveying the unsaid.

Amid all this, I only hoped he felt for me just the way I felt for him. Else, why would he spend so much time with me in person and on the phone??

That was the benefit of doubt I gave myself..besides, there were days he took the flirtatious lead and I enjoyed the man doing so..

It was all going smooth...I had accepted this life..then , one night something happened that woke up my conscience and disturbed this happy guilty romantic equation of my life.

It was late in the evening. I had been watching this movie on television...Unfaithful.. it's the story of married woman and who indulge in adultery. Day after day, she lies to her husband; she makes excuses, only to meet the guy who she is having an affair with. I see myself in that female protagonist. And, it wasn't a just movie for me but I was watching my contemporary life unfold on the screen with peek into what lies ahead of me in future, as well. For the very first time, I get to look at myself in real mirror. As the movie proceeded, the suppressed guilt within me started to grow into a shame which engulfed me.

In one scene, the actress forgets to pick up her child from the school, for all this while she was busy getting fucked up by her lover..That one scene made me sick about myself...even though I wasn't married yet..even though I was not a mother..even though I was not in any physical relationship with Arjun..Yet, I could not ignore the intimate moments I had imagined with him. They could have become a possibility in a distant future if not in near.

The realization badly shook me..selfishly, I thanked god for not having taken it too far. But that didn't help me from feeling disgusting about myself. I guess my discomfort had a lot to do with Saral's visit to me that evening... even though he may not have been a good fience, he was decent man. I had known this always..just like the actress in the movie , I was cheating on my soon to be husband who was a good human being..

What I am becoming??

That night, till late, I keep tossing and turning in my bed..sleep had postponed its arrival.. I didn't close my eyes looking forward to brand new day.

Sweltering in the heat of my sins, neither did I want Saral nor did I desire Arjun in my thoughts..

I wanted to run away; to anywhere; to nobody; no..to Sam...

Yes, Sam!! I wanted to speak to her, to confess to her..

At dawn, I woke up with a jerk, to a horrible dream...No worst and most horrible nightmare...Arjun was dead..Saral had killed him...Just like it happens in the movie..

I was breathing heavily. The possibility of fictitious movie becoming my reality had terribly scared me..but I could control it to happening in reality..

Caught in between my dream, my reality and the after effects of watching that movie..i felt alone.. not sure of what to do...I again thought of Sam..

I was getting urge to call her..but then I checked the time..it reads 4.45 am..On second thoughts I would send a message first and see if she responds.

"Sam...I need you right now!!" I quickly typed and sent.

I went to the washroom and carried my phone along with me.. I had been sweating..i spleashed a lot of cold water on my face..i looked myself in the mirror. Beyond my skin, my flesh and my bones, into the depths of my mind and my soul I searched for the real me..

What has happened to you, Radhika??

The mirror didn't speak. I don't know how to decode its silence for answer.

It took me a while, before I came out. Nt getting any response from Sam, I considered calling her. I had unlocked my phone again, when her call arrived. I quickly swapped it to receive..

" What happened , Radz?? " she asked ..from her husky voice I could make out she was in half sleep.

" Sam.....Arj..Arjun....." I started but couldn't able to hold myself from sobbing hard...

The darkness of guilt overtook every inch of me and I fall.

----------------

How's it??

Sorry for being late to reply ur comments but i will..they make me smile..

Guys i wanna share a thing..May be tommarrow m Gonna post one OS..One chapter short story...

So when you get free time do read it on tommo..

Don't forget to vote, share and comments

love you..

xoxo