Hello Lovely people!!

I know I kept you on bay last time...and this is the next installment having emotional clash....

Happy Reading

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" I love you, Arjun!! I love you so very much " I wept over the phones as I talked to him in the dark room that morning.

His expressing that he loved me was so different from the way the world expresses love. It wasn't a proposal . it didn't have any expectations. It was a confession of true love that come along with a sacrifice... that he will walk out of my life!!

" Please don't say that!! Please don't go!!" I begged him

I suddenly realized that I was too loud . I feared my voice might go beyond my bedroom. So I got up and walked inside the attached bathroom. I switched on the light and saw my reflection in the mirror.

Tears left my face wet and swollen. The kajal from my eyes had streaked down and spread everywhere on my face and blended with the rest of the make-up. . All that had made me look beautiful till the night before made me look ugly now. My hair was undone. Strands of hair stuck to my cheeks. In that mirror, my face looked devastated. In that mirror, my life looked deserted.

While I behaved like a woman madly in love with a man who didn't know how to deal with such a heart-breaking situation. Arjun sounded composed. He acted maturely and tried to handle things in sensible way. This was the first time the two of us were openly expressing ourselves. Nothing was us back.

Arjun tried his best to comfort me..in that moment, I again needed him as my trainer who was going to provide me necessary support. And he was exactly doing the same—trying to calm down. This was first time also that I had cried this much badly in front of him., even though we were only connecting with our voices and our thoughts. I was miserable. He was sensible and it was getting difficult for him to stop me.

" Listen to me Radhika!! Get a hold on yourself..you can !! Don't let yourself break down. Pull yourself up and face this situation. You can do it, dear! You can do it!! " he tried to encourage me with his words.

I was out of control. It was as If being suppressed for so many years had burst a dam in me. And in that pathetic state, with my back against the wall , I screamed at him.

"I AM DONE LISTENING TO YOUR INSPIRATIONAL WORDS.STOP IT!!" Its not about training any more...its not about my body. THIS IS ABOUT MY LIFE. MY SOUL !! GOD DAMMIT..CAN'T YOU GET IT..I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU, ARJUN!! Don't leave me..DON'T GO ! SAY THAT YOU WON'T GO...SAY THAT..PLAESE!!

I slowly slid down against the wall. I was on my knees now. Leaning on the bath tub for support, I yelled and cried. What was happening to my life ? I had followed everything that I had ever been told, first by my family and then by my fiancé . I had never put myself or my wishes first.

When I had decided my life the way it was, things had begun to change. I had new life, friends, an identity away from everyone. I had found love!!

And now I couldn't be with one I loved..My first and Last Love!!

My nose had blocked due to all crying session and I was gasping for breath. I was trembling with emotions that were now overflowing through my eyes.

Arjun was still on the line and from what I could make out, very worried about me.

" I love you too, Radhika. I do ! And you know that well. I need you so badly in my life. But sweetheart!! Try to understand !! Love should bring happiness in our lives and not misery. It should not make our lives complicated . and in this case we will not put my life in jeopardy. Its' yours we are going to ruin. How do I do this to you?"

All that I had running away after watching unfaithful was now lying in the recyle bin of my mind. It is a human tendency to recoil to the most comfortable state. And my comfort lay in being closure to Arjun . not distancing myself from him. What I wanted had again become my priority . what my conscience suggested took a backseat. My beahviour overrode my values. Again!!

" I don't know that, Arjun..and I don't want to..i'm not in position to do that. Right now, I want to listen to my heart. I'm done listening to my mind. For the first time in my life I have fallen in love. Do you understand what that means to me? How does it feel to be in love for the first time? This..........this.........whole sense of fulfillment that my twenty three years of existence could not provide me..this consciousness of being desired .........being wanted.............by someone? How do I let this go and why do I let this go? I deserved happiness too..."

Arjun was as much in love with me as I was with him. But for him love couldn't override the logic in his hand.

" Of course You deserve happiness, Radhika.." he said , but he didn't approve of the way I wanted it. I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do with my life..my vision was short term..Arjun felt there was no way I would ultimately derive happiness out of this love that would bring misery to our family and the people we cared about.

Right beside the bathtub , in my bedroom. I was caught in the most difficult situation of my life. I wanted to live a life that I cherish living, one that was satisfying.

" you will always have to hide our love from your family and Saral..therefore, you will always feel guilty..our love will always be adultery in your conscience. It will never give you fullness you are looking for..Try to understand, radhika.."

" will you ready to stand against your family to be with me? Will your family ever approve of this if they gets to know?" he asked

My silence only confirmed the obvious.

" you can't have both of us..the change that we want is so hard that it will break so many equations in our lives: a lot more in yours than mine.. it is a big , big cost for you to pay..you are inviting a tornado that will destroy everything that comes in its way. Are you prepared to do that?? Will you ever be in position to call off your engagement?"

Arjun was trying to clear up the picture for me. But in the emotional mess that I was in, all I chows to see was the fact that he had dropped the ball in my court. And so I asked him the question that turning my mind upside down

" Do you want me , Arjun?"

" Why are you asking this ? of course I do"

" then why are you asking only me to take a stand? What about you?"

" I stand by you, Radhika..in everything we do.. But the question is of your choice- do you want to walk out of your engagement?? Do you want to go against your family?? Its really difficult question.. I believe the most difficult one of your life till now..and therefore, I don't want to push you take a decision..i don't want you to regret in future for taking wrong decision..No matter what you decide, I will stand by you.."

Indeed it was the most difficult question I'd ever faced in my life. I didn't know the answer. I didn't even want to think of letting Arjun walk out of my life. But on the other hand I wasn't prepared.

What do I tell Saral? I want to call off our upcoming marriege? What do I tell my own parents? That I had fallen in love with a man who is not my fience? Even if I managed to tell them this, would they let me do what I wanted? There were several lives t stake here..

" I don't have an answer ready..but I will plan out something..together we can plan out something..just.....just....give me some time..Please!! Don't just leave me like this..Please!!"

My desperate hunger for love was making me short sighted. I had become too insecure to walk away from the only oasis in the desert of my life. Even though its discovery is unintentional..i had long coped with my situation without it. I had learned to live without it. But having discovered it now I didn't want to be left thirsty again.

Arjun didn't push me too hard. He had his own battle to fight as well. He too was a man who desired a woman ..curbing his own desires.. he was selflessly advocating what was good for me..i only wished I had met him earlier.

When I calmed down a bit we began talking about our lives henceforth. We decided to put the decision on a back burner.

Call me selfish in love, but I wanted to live fully in that borrowed time before reality hit again and I had to make choice.

" but nothing changes. You are not going to US..and we will continue the training.." I reminded Arjun

He confirmed that Us plan was anyhow a few months away. So I need not to be worried. But he was with the view that we should not go ahead with training..

" Lets' take a break for a month..and we will resume after that..." he suggested

But I was smitten in love that I failed to see positive side of his suggestion and said sarcastically

" So you can avoid me?"

For the first time ever I heard him losing control

" No..God Danmit!! So that we can settle down!! Emotionally!! What do you think? This is easy for me-to avoid you? You are gravely mistaken, Radhika. You don't have an idea of how bad my situation is..don't forget I am man and I realized that the woman I am in love with is engaged to another man.."

But how could I have settled down ? being away from Arjun would have kept me longing for him. It would have only added fuel to the fire within me..i would have craved his presence around me, for his voice, for his touch.

Our different point of views led to a debate. Our first ever clash of opinions was on the point that we loved each other.

Quite a complicated love this was!!

I tried explaining my point to him.but when he stubbornly stuck to what he thought best, in the heat of moment, I ended up saying something that I shouldn't have

" I'm your client!! I insist that we do the session tomorrow. There is a week left for a month end. I will not renew the personal training membership next month..."

Love makes you do stupid things... it even makes you do insanely stupid things..

There was pin drop silence at the other end. I could hear only the sound of my own breathing that echoed in the bathroom..i immediately regretted what I said. I wish I could have taken all that back. My words must have hurt him terrible.

The next moment I heard him say " Yes, Madam!!"

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