Chapter 49
Quency presented me with all of the forged documents in their entirety. "It was a fake ceremony with a fake priest and fake documents."
My heart shatters when I get to hold those documents she was talking about. She was right. Every single one of these is fake. Even the attorney's license here is expired, proving that our marriage is null.
"He fooled you again, Sheen May," she rejoiced.
I glanced at her, trying to suppress my overwhelming hatred. "Bakit mo pinapakita 'to sa 'kin?" I asked. Thinking that she possessed these documents made me realize that Jhon Rey gave them to her to prove that he'd been lying to me and that all of the things Quency said were true. They will get married soon.
"Just to remind you, na wala kang karapatan sa kaniya. Kaya let him go."
Narinig ko ang pagbukas ng pinto at doon nakita ko ang lalaking dumurog ng pagkatao ko.
"Quency? What are you doing here?!"
Lalo akong napanganga nang ang una niyang tingnan at ang banggitin na pangalan ay hindi ako kundi ang babaeng iyon.
"I just missed you, but you were not here. Guess, I'll see you at my home." Quency bids goodbye to him before leaving us alone.
At doon palang siya tumingin sa akin. He walked over me, but I stepped back.
"Sheen May, what happened? What happened to your knees?" He was ready to sit down and inspect my knees, but I stopped him. He noticed it and faced me. He was surprised by it. "Sheen May, what's wrong? Why is she here? What did she say to you? And what are you holding?"
Doon na kumawala ang mga luha ko. Para akong pinapatay ng mga nalaman ko. Akala ko ba wala nang kasinungalingan? Pero bakit, ano na naman, 'tong nalaman ko?
"Sheen May, speak to me. Bakit siya nandito? Anong ginawa sa 'yo ni Quency?" He tried to hold my hand, but I shook my head.
"You lied to me again." I sobbed bago ko isinampal sa dibdib niya ang mga dokumentong nagpapatunay na walang bisa ang kasal namin. It was his reaction that let me recognize that what I had been told was real. What Quency said turned out to be true. The marriage that we have is a lie.
"How can you do this to me, Jhon Rey?!" I screamed. Nagdedeliryo na ako sa galit. Sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko. Gusto kong sumabog. "You told me, no more lies! But what is this?!"
I gripped the side of my clothes, trying to contain myself, but how can I do that?
"Sheen May, I can explain."
I shook my head repeatedly. "Don't fucking fool me again, Jhon Rey! Tang ina naman! Inubos mo na 'ko! Binigay ko na sa 'yo lahat! I trusted you, but you fooled me again! You told me you love me! Is this how you prove it? With lies?" Nanginginig ang mga labi ko, ang buo kong pagkatao. Gusto ko siyang saktan, pero ayokong gawin. Gusto kong ipasa sa kaniya lahat ng sakit na nanunuot sa dibdib ko. Gusto kong maramdaman niya.
"Sheen May, please listen to me." He holds my arms, trying to embrace me, but I am forced to remove his hand and instead beat his chest. My eyes are clouded with tears of frustration and agony.
"You're here again because you were using me! Your mother cut off your financial privileges because maybe she discovered your fucking lustful deeds! Kaya pala nagbago ka bigla! Dahil gagamitin mo na naman ako! Lolokohin! That's why you became this kind and thoughtful because you're plotting something again! I knew it, but then I let myself be stupid again! F*ck this life! I fucking hate this life with you!"
I pushed him away. I saw how his eyes were all in tears. No, I don't fucking believe it. Those were lies, too.
"You fooled us, Jhon Rey! That's what fucking hurt me! You fooled your mom, you fooled me, and guess what hurts the most? You fooled my mother, who trusted you wholeheartedly!"
I could not believe it. He's not even saying sorry.
I held my chest as I surrendered in defeat. "Right, you were not cheating. We're not married for me to be mad at you. I'm just your toy." Hindi ako makahinga nang maayos. Ramdam ko ang galit na nanunuot sa bawat sulok ng sistema ko.
"You promised me no more lies," I sobbed as I tried to repeat his promise, which he already broke. Always.
Napayuko ako at doon nakita kong may umaagos na dugo. Hindi galing sa tuhod ko. Umakyat ang kaba sa dibdib ko. Mas lalo akong napapahagulgol nang unti-unti napoproseso kung anong ibig sabihin ng mga dugong iyon.
"J-Jhon Rey, m-may dugo... Jhon Rey si Kento... Jhon Rey..."
****
Malakas na paghagulgol ko ang pumuno sa kwarto ng hospital. Warak na warak ang puso ko sa ibinalita sa 'kin ng doktor. Ang inaalagaan ko, ang mag-aapat na buwan nang nasa sinapupunan ko, ang makakasama ko sana sa tagumpay ko... wala na.
It's almost as if the rest of my life is pointless now. It's almost to the point where I don't want to continue living. Pagod na pagod na ako. Gusto ko na lang pumikit at magpahinga habang buhay. Kung sana nga panaginip lang 'to pero hindi... isa itong bangungot, kalungkutang bumabalot sa puso ko, sa buong pagkatao ko.
Niyakap ako ni mom. "Anak, nandito lang ako..."
"P-pero wala na 'yung anak ko, mom. How am I supposed to live without him?"
I smiled and shook my head. "No, this is all not true. My baby is still alive, right? He's still here, right?" nababaliw kong tanong sa kanila.
Natigilan ako nang pumasok ang taong pinakaayaw kong makita. Agad kong binitawan si mom. Umusbong na naman ang galit ko.
"Anong ginagawa mo rito?! Bakit ka pa nandito? Ano? Ipapaabot mo sa akin kung gaano ka kasaya na wala nang nagdudugtong sa ating dalawa? Are you checking if I'm grieving enough to kill myself again?"
His appearance made me hate him even more.
He shouldn't be here.
I don't want to see his face.
"Tigilan mo nga ako sa lungkot-lungkutan mo na 'yan, Jhon Rey! Alam kong masaya ka! Masaya kang nawala na ang ugnayan natin! Malaya ka na 'di ba? For sure, nagse-celebrate kayo ng babae mo!" Binato ko siya ng unan. Babatuhin ko na sana siyang muli ng nahawakan kong vase nang pigilan ako ni Anne.
"Sheen May, calm down. You're going to hurt him."
"Am I not allowed to do that? It's not even enough for all the ruins he left in my life!"
Jhon Rey doesn't speak and just looks at me, mas lalo akong nainis dahil doon.
"Huwag ka ngang umarteng naaapektuhan ka! Alam kong wala lang 'to sa 'yo. Ginusto mo ngang ipalaglag ko 'yung bata 'di ba? Eto na, nangyari na! Bumitaw na siya! Nasagot na 'yung mga dalangin mo. Baka sa susunod naman, ako na 'yung mawala kasi ipinanalangin mo rin 'yon 'di ba?"
Pinipigilan ako ni Anne, pero hindi ako nagpapigil sa kanila. Wala akong pakialam kung magalit din sila sa akin. Wala na rin namang saysay na narito pa ako. Nawala na 'yung anak ko nang hindi ko man lang nasisilayan.
Muli na naman akong pumalahaw sa iyak. I will never get any reaction from him. I looked down and saw my hands twitching. "Kasalanan mo 'to, eh. Kasalanan mo kung bakit namatay ang anak ko. Hindi mo alam kung gaano kasakit sa 'kin kasi hindi mo alam ang totoong pagmamahal. Alam mo 'yong pakiramdam na nababaliw ka na kakaisip? Kung maibabalik ko ba ang panahon? Kung maibabalik ko ba ang buhay ng anak natin? Kung paano ko gagawin 'yon? I wish I never met you."
Patuloy na bumuhos ang mga luha ko sa pisngi. Kahit anong pakawala ko ng masasakit na salita, parang hindi nakakatulong para maibsan lahat ng sakit. Hindi nababawasan. Para pa rin akong mamamatay.
"Don't show yourself to me anymore. I don't want to see your damn face."
But he did not seem to be affected by any of the harsh things I said. Even now, he's still winning against me. I want him to disappear. How can I do that?
"Sheen May."
That burst my tears once more. His voice weakens me. Just hearing him say my name makes my heart beat faster, and I feel more alive. I'm so stupid. I shouldn't be this foolish.
I shut my eyes and bit my lip.
"Alam mo 'yun Jhon rey, paulit-ulit sa utak ko na sana ikaw na lang ang namatay at hindi 'yong anak ko. Tutal, wala ka naman ding pakialam sa amin. Sana ikaw na lang dahil ayaw na kitang makita."
He was just looking at me and asking if all I said was true.
I was forced to take my gaze off of him as a result of the unexpected motion of the door. When my father entered the room, the moment he laid eyes on Jhon Rey, a change occurred in his demeanor. "Leave if you want to stay alive."
Jhon Rey gave me a look that appeared to beseech me to grant him permission to remain, even for a single night.
I averted my gaze away from him.
I remember it wasn't too long ago when the two of them were joking around and laughing in the backyard of Carpio's house, but now I can clearly see how upset my father is with him. He can kill him if he wants to, but maybe he knows it will hurt me more if he does that.
"Sige na, Jhon Rey, umalis ka na. Respect what Sheen May has told you. Leave her alone now," said Anne, sending Jhon Rey away.
Doon ako mas lalong umiyak, nang makita ko siyang lumabas ng pintuan. Sa totoo lang, ayoko siyang umalis, pero sobrang sakit kasi ng nararamdaman ko lalo na kapag nakikita ko ang mukha niya. Naaawa ako na nasisigawan ko siya, at hindi siya lumalaban. Dati, sinisigawan niya rin ako pabalik, pero ngayon, tinatanggap niya lahat.
Naiiyak ako kasi sobrang tanga ko pa rin pagdating sa kaniya. Nalason niya na talaga nang buo ang utak ko. Hindi na ako makahinga dahil sa pag-iyak. Hinahagod-hagod ni Anne ang likod ko habang pinapakalma ako.
"Iwan niyo muna kami," utos ni dad.
Sumunod naman sila at lumabas na si mom and Anne. Naiwan kami ni dad sa loob ng kwarto.
I tried to stop crying, dahil alam kong ayaw niyang naririnig ang iyak ko, pero hindi ko magawa dahil sobrang sakit ng iniinda ko.
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