***TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER! I HAVE MARKED OFF THE SECTION CONTAINING SENSITIVE DETAILS! PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE***

  It took me a couple of days to get on board with the moving idea and it took Zayn a few more to even consider it. After Zayn and I had discussed everything and the three of us talked about it we had decided that I would, in fact, be moving in with Harry. It took a little time convincing Zayn that this wasn't me abandoning him, but I didn't mind waiting for Zayn to get on board. He was my best friend and I wanted him to be completely comfortable with this. 

I was glad the house already belonged to Zayn's family and was technically under his mother's name so I didn't have to put Zayn through any more stress than he already was under. The only thing I had to do was pack and leave. 

I did notice that over the week it took for me to pack up, Zayn had started smoking more and the bags under his eyes got bigger. I felt a shred of guilt eat away at me as the week went on, but it was never enough for me to unpack everything and to stay. He had reassured me multiple times that he was fine and okay with everything. I figured Zayn would have to get used to living alone anyway because we couldn't be roommates forever.

The last Saturday was hard. Zayn had insisted on us playing video games and eating unhealthy food the night before, as a finally 'guys night'. The day of Zayn hadn't even left his room. Harry had come over and helped me load all of my boxes into his car to take over to his house. I started getting excited as Harry finished getting the last box in his car. 

"Is that everything," Harry asks. He looks at me and smiles widely. We were both excited to be living together. I turn towards the house to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything only to see Zayn. He was sitting on the front patio with a cigarette in between his fingers. 

"Yeah, I think so, but uh... let me go check," I mutter, as I walk towards Zayn. He doesn't stop smoking when I approach him. He continues the cycle of bringing the cigarette to his lips, breathing it in, and breathing it out.

"Hey, are you going to be alright," I question. He shrugs, not stopping to talk to me. As he takes one particular long drag I notice the inside of his arms and the angry red marks on them. Had he been hurting himself? Was it good to go through with this if it meant that Zayn was hurting himself? Were those even scars or just something all in my head?

"Just, hang in there. This isn't the end of the world, alright? I'm just going to be around the corner and a phone call away. We'll see each other everyday at work, too" I remind him. He doesn't answer me or even spare me a glance. I sigh and head back to Harry's car. 

I climb into the car after Harry. He starts to speak, but I'm too focused on Zayn in the back wind shield. I watch him as he stands and squashes the smoke under his foot before returning back inside. 

~_~_~

Going back to school on Monday was pretty exciting. Harry and I had spent all weekend coming up with plans on how to live together easier. We had gotten chores assigned and figured out how we were going to split the monthly costs. It sounded absolutely boring, but it was exciting to us because it cemented the idea of us becoming roommates and taking our relationship to the next level.  

I was also nervous to see Zayn, though. I had been worried about him over the last couple of days. I had expected Zayn to be a little upset, but I hadn't imagined it would go this far. He could barely look at me, let alone speak. 

I head to the art room the following Monday morning, deciding on catching up with Zayn. I wanted to let him know that I still cared about him. As I approach his room I stop as I hear the  sound of clicking heels. What were heels doing in Zayn's art room?

I walk into the art room and stop as I see a woman's back, "Hello?" She turns and I notice her tanned skin and long brown hair. She wore a nice dress and looked professional enough, but that didn't explain why she was here. 

"Hi, I'm Miss. Nelson and I'm subbing for Mr. Malik," She says. She sticks out a hand for me to shake and I take it hestitantly. Why wasn't Zayn at work? Zayn never missed work. He would rather come to school sick then miss a day. 

The next two days went the same way. When Thursday rolled around, I knew something was up. I decide on leaving a little earlier Thursday afternoon so I could run over quickly to make sure everything was okay.

I borrow the car and drive to my old house. When I approach the house I don't notice anything off at first. I head to the door and bring a hand up to it and knock. After a minute of no answer I grab the spare key that was hidden in the flower pot, thankful that Zayn hadn't changed the hiding spot. 

***FINALLY TRIGGER WARNING! PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO SELF HARM OR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/ACTIONS***

The first thing I noticed when I entered the living room was the smell. My favorite scent, Hawaiian Breeze, was strong as I walked through the living room. The living room was messy and looked like a tornado had blown through it. 

After the living room I went to the bathroom. I suck in a deep breath as I find emptied pencil sharpeners lying across the bathroom counter. My heart drops as look into the sink and find blood stains. What was going on?

My heart races as I run to my bedroom. Thoughts filled me as I prepared myself for what I might see. I push the door open forcefully and let out a sob as I see Zayn laying on the floor.

He was in the middle of the room seemingly passed out. I run to him and bring a hand to his cheek. I notice the tear stains and his glazed over eyes. I glance around him and notice an empty bottle of pills laying near him. 

I pull out my phone and call 911. The operator has me describe what as happening and I find myself choking up. I run a hand through Zayn's hair as the lady on the phone promises me help is on the way. I cry loudly as she runs through the steps on how to move Zayn into the recovery position. The reality of it all was finally settling in. What if I lost him?

After I do so I set the phone down and find myself cursing at him under my breath, "Zayn you idiot. God why did you do this to yourself? You could've come to me and I would've helped you! Just because I'm not living with you doesn't mean you're not my best friend. I love you too much to leave me, you bastard," I cry. 

I sit like that a little while longer, waiting on the ambulance to show up. It seems like years before the ambulance finally arrives to take Zayn to the hospital. I sob as I watch them push his unconscious body into the vehicle and shut the doors. 

I walk back into the house to pick up my phone and car keys that have been forgotten in my old bedroom. While I do so, I find a crumbled up piece of pair that I hadn't noticed before. I pick it up hesitatingly. 

Louis,

I figured you would be the first one to find me. I wanted to promise you that none of this is your fault. Recently, I've been under a lot of stress and it felt like I was lost and had nobody to go to. First, I lost Liam and that hurts SO much. It's hard to go into work and see him acting as if nothing happened, because I love him. I, so stupidly, fell in love with him. 

Then, you told me you wanted to move. I know that you had promised it didn't mean the end of our friendship, but it felt like it. My mind keeps telling me that you hate me and that Harry's better than me. I'm so sorry about that. I shouldn't have been such a dick over it all.

If there's any miracle that I live through this please, no matter how much I may resist, please get me treatment or therapy. If I live then I'll hate myself. I'll hate myself even more and I'll probably do this again. 

If I die I want you to know it's not your fault. I know you'll blame this on yourself, Louis. This is on me. I wanted to leave and that's my fault. Never blame this on yourself and please don't let this hold you back from anything. Go and live your life and be happy. That's all I ever wanted you to be, but I've been getting in the way of that myself, huh? 

I have so many things I could apologize for Louis, but my biggest regret it keeping Harry from you. If I could go back and change that I would. He makes you so happy and everyone around you can tell. I hope he makes you that happiest man alive.

My deepest apologizes, 

Zayn

~_~_~

Hey guys! Thoughts? So, I enjoy telling you guys what books I'm into and I've just recently started reading the BEST undiscovered Larry book. It's called Crossfire by @FayShaughn (I'll just dedicated the part to them), but it's so good! Please go leave lots of love on it! Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed! (although you probably didn't this time lmao) ~B