If I want to keep it simple, Harry felt on edge, like he needed a good scream, but we all know it wasn't possible, he had to keep himself sane for as long as possible, Liam was sitting right next to him in the waiting room, he was talking to Harry, but he felt alone.

Closing his eyes, taking a deep breath, Harry got up from his seat, he just needed some air, he felt too trapped to stay there.

There were some reports, obviously, he made it to the news, but then he heard the familiar voice, "fuck," it was Sammy with a lady holding his leash.

"hey, I'm so sorry I didn't know if I can approach you or not, but you kinda left him in the park, I didn't know what else to do, so I just brought him here?" the lady said in one breath, she knew who she was talking to, and from the look of it, there was not a good time to bother Harry.

With a smile Harry bent down and hugged Sammy, "I'm so sorry buddy," he mumbled with a sniff, then he looked at the lady, "thank you so much, I don't know how I can repay you," his eyes were red from trying so hard to keep his tears from running down. It was harder than he imagined.

"There is no need for that, take care of yourself, Mr. Styles." She said with a sad smile and just gave him the leash and left, it was too much for her, she was his fan, and seeing him like that broke her in ways that were not explainable, she could almost feel Harry's pain. Just too much.

Harry was a bit shocked, but it didn't last long, he just called Liam and asked him to take care of Sammy.

Before leaving, Liam gave Harry a water bottle, at this point he was begging him to be careful, but Harry was too foolish even for that.

What do they say? Fake it till you make it? That was what Harry was aiming for because he could feel his blood going cold every time he recalled what happened in the park, but he needed to stay strong for once.

Walking back and forth in the waiting room was not helping the time to pass faster, he just needed to see Zayn again, and the doctors were taking too much time to get him ready. Harry didn't even know that he was biting on his nails till someone slapped his hand, "Louis? What are you doing here?"

Louis was oddly calm, he looked kind to him and for once it didn't look like he had something sassy coming right up, "Liam told me what happened, I couldn't just stay home Harry." And what Harry didn't need at the moment? Someone crying in front of him.

Louis wasn't sobbing, but he was open with his feelings, he did let tears run down, "can he have visitors?"

Harry ran his fingers through his hair, maybe a bit too roughly, "not yet," short, cause anymore talking would lead him into sobbing.

It was silence, mostly. Every now and then they would hear about a death, the environment was too toxic for someone who didn't want to break down, he wanted to catch himself before he falls, cause who knows what happens when he falls and finally breaks down.

Believe it or not, Harry knew by the way Dr. Horan breathed that it was him who walked in the waiting room, if Harry had the energy he would've jumped towards him, "can I see him now?"

"yes, follow me, you have to change your clothing a bit,"

They gave him a gown, gloves, shoe covers, and a mask. He was ready to go inside, him only, the more they got closer, the more he knew he was nowhere near ready to see Zayn on the hospital bed.

The doctor could hear Harry's ragged breathing, maybe it wasn't a good idea.

"are you ok? You don't have to do this," some people are not made for dealing with stuff like this and as a doctor, he could see Harry did not know how to cope with the situation.

The mask was making it easier for Harry to hide his wobbly lips, "I'm fine, I want to see him," and he did, he didn't want to abandon Zayn, not when he needed Harry the most, he wanted to talk to him even though Zayn probably couldn't hear him.

The doctor just nodded and led Harry to Zayn's room, well, Harry paid a lot of money so Zayn can stay in a room alone, to have a lot of doctors around him, he didn't know how else he could take care of his husband.

Before this, if you asked Harry what was the scariest thing that ever happened to him, he would've said Zayn leaving him when he did, the way he did, not even a proper break-up. But now, this? This is far worst, all those wires attached to Zayn's fragile body was defiantly the most heartbreaking thing he ever had to witness.

Harry had to turn around for a second, he felt his heart dropped when he saw how lifeless Zayn looked, he felt his hands shaking, it was way too much.

It took him more than he wanted to finally have the courage to turn around, "oh god," Harry closed his eyes for a moment and then walked towards the bed, he wanted to touch Zayn, in his head he wanted to, but it was like his hand was not letting him, he was too shaky, "what did they do to," then it hit him, "what did I do to you?"

That's when his knees finally gave out, "how could I not see it?" he put his hand on the bed to steady himself not to fall.

"you'll be ok, I promise you, you are not gonna leave me, you hear?"

Of course, there was no answer, Harry was hoping for a miracle, like in the movies when the patient just comes out of the coma cause their lover is talking to them, it was not working for him though.

"it's not late, I'll save you," he bit his lip and closed his eyes, then he put a hand on Zayn's chest, right above his heart, and stared at the monitor, then he smiled, "keep me in your heart, yea? Don't leave me. Don't let go of me, I won't let go, I promise,"

Harry knew Zayn can't see him, but he could still feel him, right? that was good enough.

When Harry finally had the guts to leave the room, Liam was back, he wanted to see Zayn too, but they told him he had to let Zayn rest for some time then he could visit him. So in the meantime, Liam went to the buffet to buy something light for Harry. Just to keep him alive.

Liam had a cookie and a juice box in his hand for Harry, he sat next to him and offered them food to him, Harry just shook his head, "it's- it's all my fault, Liam,"

"don't you dare Harry, he was sick before you guys even got married, it's not on you." as his friend Liam could not let Harry drown in guilt, at the end Zayn's sickness was not on anyone.

"I should've taken him for a checkup when he was taking those stupid pills!" he was so emotionally in pain that he didn't even notice he had a headache, he didn't know he was hungry or dehydrated, he didn't know what he was doing to himself. Well, subconsciously, he was punishing himself for a sin he did not commit.

Liam gave the food to Louis who was sitting on the seat on the other side of him and turned to Harry, he took his hands in his, they were too cold and he could feel the small shakes of nerves, "Zayn is not a child, he chose this, he didn't want the surgery for whatever reason, all you can do is to take care of yourself, for him Harry."

"I- I forced him to marry me-" then he went quiet, remembering all the shit he did to Zayn only to take his frustration, his anger out, he didn't see Zayn's pain, he was only thinking about what he himself went through, "I'm so selfish, fuck- I-"

"Is everything ok here?" a nurse asked when she was walking past them and saw how pale Harry looked, surely not okay.

Harry knew he was walking on the edge now, he knew it was so easy to slip, so he just nodded and asked for the juice box and drank it, he felt better, the sugar helped, "I need some air," he said when he saw another person died and a family broke down in front of him again.

It was dark outside, he didn't notice it was already 3 in the morning, he found a bench in a quiet corner of the hospital yard, he was losing what he never found, the family he wanted to build, he was shooting for the sky, but now he was drowning.

he was not ready to let go, he would never let go, still, the emotions were too much to handle, he didn't know when it happened but one second he was keeping his tears at bay, and the other second he was breaking down, he wanted to hold onto something, to someone, he needed help with the pain.

Though he knew he was alone, and he didn't deserve to be ok when Zayn was not, so he made sure to feel all the pain there was, and even that was not washing away the guilt. there was no other way around, why would he try though? He knew he was gonna fall down, so he just let it happen.

********************** 

hey beautiful people, sorry for the late update, but there was no motivation to write for me, I just picked myself up and force myself to write.

hope it wasn't too bad.

thanks for reading and supporting guys.