Dean's P.O.V

Dear Cas,

This has got to be the sixty-ninth letter I've written to you since you left, I'm still a cheeky shit but I'm sure you already know that. I'm doing better than I was in the beginning I don't wake up screaming or crying in the middle of the night for you anymore. I'm glad about that I felt bad for always waking Sammy up he said it wasn't a problem but I know it affected the way he worked. The first two months without you were a nightmare. Every night I would replay your death over and over like a never ending cycle. Bolting out of bed I would be covered in sweat my eyes watery, the feeling of my heart pounding in my chest as I looked around. Every. single. time. I would reach for you yet grasp nothing that's when reality would hit me. Sam would be sitting up asking if I was okay and then would sit with me until I fell back to sleep. He's the best brother a guy could ever ask for I'm thank for him I really am.

I have your trench coat in the trunk of baby I couldn't find it in myself to get rid of it. When I can't sleep at night I'll lay it next to me it kind of still smells like you. It makes sleeping a little bit easier for me. I miss you so much you'd think after you leaving so many times since we've met that I would be use to this you know? That I wouldn't have such a hard time dealing with you being gone. But I think the reason this time is different is because I know you won't ever come back. No matter how many deals I make no matter how many people I beg they can't bring you back. I got the bastard who did this tho I slowly slit his throat watching the life drain from his eyes just like he did to you. Standing over his body as it squirmed him gasping for air the fear noticeable in his eyes.

I thought it would make me feel better to watch as he died I thought I would feel a calm sensation knowing I had avenged you. But it didn't I felt nothing at all only the painful reminder that I won't ever get to hold you in my arms again. I won't ever get to kiss your lips again or watch as you tilt your head in confusion over something you didn't understand. I held Sam so tightly after I finally laid your body on the ground I cried so many tears I'm surprised I have any left. So many times in my life I've cried over the loss of a loved one yours seemed to hit me the hardest.

If I could have one last wish it would be to spend a few more moments with you just to tell you how much I love you. I don't know if I'll ever see you again I pray to you every night even tho I know you can't see or hear me. Does this make me pathetic mourning you for as long as I have? it's been five months and I still get flashbacks of the day I last held you in my arms. The moment where I watched you take your last breath of life before falling limp in my arms. No matter how many times I asked for you to come back you didn't.

If only I had gotten there sooner to get you out if only I could have knocked that blade from his hand you might still be here with me. I've trapped and tried to reason with as many demons as I could. I even begged Crowley to bring you back he actually gave me a sad pitiful look apologizing and telling me he couldn't. I felt my world crash again when he told me that he was my last hope of bringing you back. As I sit here writing this to you before I go to visit your grave I can just feel the tears falling down my face. I've tried my best to keep the tears off of the paper but some managed to slip past my fingers. Sam came to me yesterday and suggested I maybe try to move on not find someone new but slowly move past the pain and heartache that I feel. I'm not sure if I'm ready I don't know if I'll ever really move on from you.

I remember the day I first met you the thunder that seemed to sound everywhere around me. The sparks going off all around as you walked towards Bobby and I. The way you knocked him out just with a touch. I remember the way your hair was all messed up in the front the serious look on your face. Just thinking back to that moment makes my heart race, I didn't realize it then but in that moment I met the person I would love for the rest of my life.

Castiel I love you so much and I promise I am going to until my heart stops beating and the last breath my body ever breaths is gone. I loved you in life and I will love you in death with everything in me I will never forget you. Nor will I let your memory die you were the best thing to ever happen to me; I just wish that I would have been able to spend the rest of my life with you here next to me. I'm going to end this so I can get ready to go to your grave I'll talk with you again in a few minutes.

                                                       Love till the end of my life and past that.

                                                                        Dean Winchester

Finally setting the pen down I wipe my face folding the letter up and sticking it in a envelope. I reach for the brown box unlocking it and sticking the letter in with all of the other ones I wrote. Putting the padlock back on I stand writing a quick note for Sam before going out to baby and starting her up. Taking a deep breath I back out of the parking spot driving from the lot I turn the radio on to drown out my thoughts. The memories of him that always seem to fill my mind I tried to keep them down while I drove so I wouldn't crash. When I finally pull up to the cemetery where we buried Cas I can't stop the shiver that runs threw my body or the goosebumps that cover my skin. I continue to drive soon pull up towards the back of the cemetery where an old willow tree stands facing a pond.

Brushing the leaves on his tombstone I sit down staring at the words written on the grave.

                                                                                          Castiel

                                                                             Angel, Lover, Friend.

I look at the grave next to his where Jimmy's actual body lays I lay a hand over the grass before turning my attention back to Castiel's stone. What lay here is only an outfit of his and one of his favorite movies. Sighing I look up at the sky thinking for a moment before I begin to speak.

"I know you can't hear me I don't know where you are if you just went back to Heaven or if you're really gone. I wrote you another letter today I placed it with all of the others it helps me feel a little better. Just letting out all of my emotions into the writing it's a whole hell of a lot easier then trying to explain out loud how I feel."

Picking at some strands of grass I clear my throat.

"I try not to think about you too much when I'm driving I know you would probably tell me to focus that way I won't crash. Although if I'm honest I have thought about doing it so many times, just ending all of this I've lost so many people in my life. More then most people ever have or will I want to be with you again Cas. I hate the emptiness inside of me a giant hole I'll never be able to fill."

Tears fall on my cheeks I bite my lip as more sadness washes over me I sit there for awhile longer. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I look up to see Sammy standing above me.

"It's getting late Dean and it's going to rain we better head back to the motel so you don't get sick."

"Okay."

I sniffle wiping my eyes before standing Sam puts his arm around my shoulder patting it.

"He really loved you Dean."

"I loved him too Sammy I just really wish I wouldn't have lost him so soon.

                                                                                The End

So I wrote this as an entry for the Fanfic account here on Wattpad their March contest. I really hope you guys enjoy this I loved writing it. :)