My ribs are roughly prodded and poked until I finally manage to crack open an eyelid. As my vision comes to, I see the blurred face of my mother's looming over. I flinch back, heart racing ecstatically.

"What's happening? Why are you here?" I ask.

"Just checking to see if you're still alive." She chuckles. "Before Kyle left, he explained how much you had to drink. Ava, why do you feel the need to drink so much?"

"It's all Kyle's fault." I try to defend myself.

"Ava!" She grumbles.

"I'm sorry?" My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth.

"Hm." She shoots me daggers. "Just come and clean my beautiful lounge room, okay?"

"Sure." I promptly nod my head.

"Kyle left a glass of water and painkillers on your side table," she explains.

"Thanks." I tug on a smile.

The quietly exits the room while I slide back under the covers. Eventually, I resurface and grab the water. The pills stick to my tongue but I manage to wash them down. I still feel like a sponge that's been left on the sidewalk for too long, but other than that, I feel fine.

I throw the bed cover away climb out of my comfy position. The lack of Kyle's presence shows me once more, Kyle's never going to stick around and help. This is the fourth time he's done this. You know, one day I'm going to cast my revenge.

Trudging downstairs, I walk into the living room to assess the mess. As my eyes wander over the room, I fail to understand the complaint. We've only left the glasses and the blanket out. In fact, I'm surprised we're not in trouble for taking their alcohol.

I grab the blue blanket from the couch and attempt to fold it. In the end, it looks like a fluffy blob of material. I shove the blanket into the linen cupboard and slam the door shut.

Once I return to the lounge room, I collect the two shot glasses and the bottle. I toss the glasses into the sink and the empty bottle into the trash and then return to wash down the table. Once the mess is cleaned, I grab my thongs and head outside.

The sun already has a bite to it but this doesn't faze me. In fact, I enjoy the warm rays dancing across my skin. Some days I feel numb and I enjoy sitting in the weather. A rustle of wind through my hair, a slight chill, or even the sweat of a warm day oddly makes me feel human. It reminds me that no matter what happens, I'm still here.

I wander through my mother's garden until I come across my green plant pot sitting on the brick edging. I pour some water into the drying soil and take a seat on the grass beside it.

"You look how I feel and that isn't a good thing." I frown.

Just after Ivan passed away, my mother bought me a plant. I thought it was stupid. What am I going to do with a plant? It's not going to love me like my own child. But in a weird, warped way, I sort of get it. The plant needs to be cared for, to be loved, and in return, I get to watch it grow and eventually flower. It's no child but it's what I need. This plant became the reason I would get up in the morning.

Just beside my pot plant is an established rose bush she bought after Logan's passing. The roses are beautiful and I finally understand why she got mad that one time I cut the flowers off to put in a vase.

However, my beautiful plant has begun to wither from, hm, I'm not too sure. The once dark green leaves have begun to turn a ting of yuck brown and I can't work it out. I water it as per instruction, so it can't be that, or is it? Maybe I over watered it? I can't believe I can't keep a plant alive. It hasn't been that long since I was given the plant.

"Don't worry, I'll figure out how to fix you," I mumble. "You just need to keep holding on, buddy."

I poke the soil and then feel the leaves. There's not much to add to my observation other than the fact I honestly have no idea how to fix the problem. I sit and ponder on it for a little longer but no solutions come to mind.

The back door opens and my mother comes to sit beside me. She looks over the plant with worry before settling with a frown.

"What am I doing wrong?" I ask.

"I don't know," she replies. "Maybe it's time for a change up?"

The thought of giving up on my plant makes me sick to my stomach. I can't just throw him in the bin and start over. It wouldn't be the same and I'd feel terrible for being responsible over the plant dying.

"No." I shake my head. "I can't. I'm going to fix the plant."

"Okay, maybe try some fertiliser?" she offers.

"Yeah, good idea." I nod my head.

"Anyway, I'm making lunch and I was wondering if you're hungry?"

"Sure," I agree. "Any food sounds good right now." A greasy burger comes to mind.

Mum gives me a hug and then kisses the top my head. She retreats to the house but I decide to stay outside for longer. When the door shuts, I look back at the plant and smile. Some people think that talking to plants helps them grown. I'm not sure what to think. I've never thought about plants other than being beautiful organisms living in the ground.

"You know, I can't lose you either," I whisper.

Nothing really happens. The leaves on the plant rustle and I'm left feeling like an idiot for talking to a plant. Hey, it's cheaper than a therapist.

"Hm, here goes nothing." I sigh. "I miss Blake, Ivan, and even London. I know I should go back to Blake because my grand adventure is a pathetic attempt. But, I just don't know, I have this feeling inside of me that longs for something fun, then the other part pulls me back to Blake."

When nothing happens, I lay on the grass and look at the fluffy clouds passing through the light blue sky.

"If I'm being honest, I'm afraid that if I go back, I won't be happy, and that we can't get back to who we were."

The world changed the moment I realised I was pregnant with Ivan. Just as fast as it had changed, it moved once more when he passed. I realised I didn't want to play house, not right now at least. Being locked up in a house caring for another person's child is restrictive and hard. Sometimes I feel like I can do nothing right.

"I'm really lost. Although, I'm sure you've figured that out." I chuckle.

I've been thinking about moving forward, well, whatever that is. Maybe I'll finish my studies, get a job, move out, and maybe experience other things."

For once, it's tiring being the person people need me to be opposed to the person I am. Even I don't know who that is. I'm always being told who I should be, that I've lost sight of who I am.

"Maybe I should get on with my life?" I ask. "Go out and be myself, see what he world has to offer. And like they say, if it's meant to be, I'll find myself with Blake again. It happened once before, it can happen again."

If Blake and I are destined to be together, then I have faith that no matter what happens. . . we'll make it back together. I just know it.  

Who do you talk to on off days? When I'm not talking to my cat about life problems, them I'm talking to you guys! Here's my little baby, Jasper.