I don't know where I was planning to go when I left the house. All I know is that the days without work are the hardest.

There's nothing to distract me from the truth I don't want to accept. I willingly agreed with Yugyeom that friends were only going to cause problems, but without them, all I can do is think.

About home and how I'm not there. About him and how much I ache without him here.

About Taehyung and how stupid I feel for thinking about him.

About everything wrong. And there's nothing I can do to stop it.

"RAPMON!"

My eyes widen at the sound of his name as a wagging tail attacks my feet, and I realize that he's being called for running off to greet me.

I take in the crowded beach in confusion as I kneel to meet Rapmon. I don't know how I got here or even walking in this direction. I barely remember leaving the house, and yet, here I am.

"Hi Rapmon." I smile weakly as he nudges my cheek with his nose.

"You seem to be on his Friend radar," Taehyung says as he approaches with a camera secured to his chest by a crossbody strap.

"I guess so."

He smiles at me and my heart flip-flops. "I'm happy that you came."

"Are you?"

He nods.

"I was starting to think you weren't going to show."

My lips part to tell him I wasn't planning to, and I'm not sure how I ended up here, but quickly press my lips back together.

The look on his face is genuine, like he actually means it, and I by no means am about to burst his bubble. It's hard to be anything but happy near him.

"Yeah, sorry." I give Rapmon's ear one last scratch as I stand up. "I didn't realize the time."

"That's alright," he says, waving for me to follow him. "We're just over here."

I hesitate before falling into line with him, walking slowly behind him with Rapmon trotting alongside me as we approach the oversized yellow umbrella perched in the sand with two beach chairs.

I look in the distance where large like really large air tubs, slides are being assembled and a castle like orange-yellow thing is being tied to the ground with hefty ropes. Loading vehicles lined up in a row are being dumped into the circles.

"What's that?" I ask without asking anyone.

"That's the mud festival preparations. Tomorrow is the day." Taehyung replies as he looks at me.

"Oh. Is it fun? Like playing in mud." I ask looking at the assortments just a few metres away.

"You will see."

"Are you asking me to come tomorrow as well." I look at Taehyung as the sound of shutters goes off. I look at him as his smile grows more and more behind the camera before another sound came from it.

"What was that for?" I ask a bit amused.

"Nothing...you were looking beautiful so I couldn't resist." Taehyung says shrugging and moved to the place where everyone was.

"Hi, sweetheart." Taeri smiles as she looks up from her spot under the umbrella. "Glad to see you could join us."

"Hi." I lift my hand to wave.

"Here." Taehyung pats the top of the beach chair. "Take a seat."

"Isn't that yours?"

"I'll sit in the sand," he says, ushering me to take his seat.

"I can sit in the sand." I waved my hand trying to dismiss him.

"No, come on." He gestures again, but when I make no effort to move, he leans towards me and lowers his voice. "We have to at least try to convince her I'm the gentleman she raised me to be."

Despite trying my hardest, a laugh falls from my lips as I step around him and sink into the chair just a few inches above the sand. "Chivalry at its show off."

" Nope at its best." He chuckles at his own statement.

"Are you sure it's okay I came?" my insecurities kicking in again as I feel restless from inside that whether I am intruding their family time.

"Of course," Taeri replies instead of Taehyung assuring me, her lips curling up when she sees Rapmon settling down next to me, moving his chin to rest in my lap. "Looks like you've made yourself a friend."

"Yeah," I say as I smooth my hand over the space between his ears. "Seems like it."

"Did you want something to drink, Busan?"

I follow Taehyung's voice and find him knelt down next to the cooler. "Sure."

"What would you like? We've got beer, soda, water."

Looking around the beach, I take in what everyone else is drinking before landing on the glass beer bottle in Taeri's hand. "I'll take a beer."

Taehyung nods, grabbing a bottle of water from the ice bath for himself after popping the cap off the beer. He hands it to me as he sits in the sand next to me.

"Thank you," I say, taking a small sip before resting the base against my thigh. "I haven't missed Jimin, have I?"

"Nope, he's out there right now," Taeri answers, pointing toward the water. "He's in the blue rash guard."

"Oh! he is our cute bubble gum." Taehyung jokes.

I sit up a little straighter to get a better look as the wave approaches and he sinks beneath the water, turning himself around as he paddles to catch it. I watch in awe as he pushes himself up, finding his balance as he shreds the wave.

He controls the water as he rides it out, making it do exactly what he wants.

"He's great."

"He was the best on the surf team in high school." Taehyung shares as he sits up, holding the camera up to catch him in the water. He takes a few shots, the shutter buzzing in anticipating of the next time he'll snap a picture.

I turn my head and meet his eyes.

"Surf team?"

He chuckles. "of course...You're in Seoul now, Busan."

"Were you on the team?"

He nods. "Wasn't nearly as good as Seokjin but yeah."

"Yeah, Jimin was saying he used to travel for it," I say and peer between them. "I guess he stopped when you guys opened Shore Thing a few years back"

There's a brief look on his face that looks a little like hesitation as he runs his fingers through his hair, pushing it off his face. "Y-yeah, that sounds about right."

A smile creeps onto my face, and I realize the happiness is sneaking up on me again.

It's not always there, but when it hits me, it crashes like a wave and I feel like I'm drowning in a pit of my own doing. The sorrow, the anger, the guilt, the happiness. It's all there, and it's ready to pull me down until nothing else matters.

I'll just be gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~///~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There's my baby!" Taeri excitedly cheers as Seokjin approaches us after placing first in his category. There's a massive grin on his face as he runs into her embrace, neither seeming to care that he's soaking wet.

"You're so great, Seokjin."

"Thanks mom," he says with a smile before taking notice of me.

"Hey Jungkook, I didn't know you were coming to this."

"Yeah, Taehyung invited me," I say as Rapmon gets up from his spot next to me and moves to greet Seokjin. "You were really great out there."

"Thanks," he hums as he brushes his hair out of his eyes. "I'm glad you came."

"Yeah, me too."

His lips curl up in my direction as Jimin runs up to join us with a grin on his face. He nudges Seokjin's side as he comes to a stop next to him.

"Hey loser." He chimes.

Seokjin smirks as Jimin teases him. "Nerd. Good job out there."

"Thank you, thank you," Jimin says as he takes an exaggerated bow. "I think today calls for celebration. You want to get a drink with me?"

"Are you buying?" Seokjin smirks before wiping his face off with a towel.

"Hell no," Jimin says with the shake of his head. "Taehyung is."

"Ohkay, how did I get roped into this?" Taehyung questions as he climbs up to his feet, offering me his hand to help me up from the chair.

I hesitate before resting my hand in his—my skin igniting with his touch—as he pulls me up to my feet.

"The pleasures of not competing, of course." Jimin exhales before bursting into a fit of laughter.

Taehyung shakes his head as his hand slips from mine. "You know what? I'm not even going to argue with you. Drinks are on me. Busan, you joining us?"

I know as soon as he asks, I should say no. Yugyeom told me it was a bad idea to come to this in the first place, and while I was not planning to, here I am.

I should want to say no to his invitation, but I find myself wanting the opposite.

I want to say yes.

I want to keep smiling.

There is something about them that makes everything a little less consuming.

It's easy.

And as my lips part to accept, I see Yugyeom out of the corner of my eye with a scolding look on his face. They immediately fall back together as a fake smile crosses my lips.

"Thanks for the offer, but I promised my mom and brother I'd call and it's getting late back home." I lie through my breath and brush some fallen hair behind my ear.

"You sure?" Jimin questions raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," I say with a smile. "I'll see you at home later."

"Okay but you cant escape tomorrow. Tomorrow we will be having all the fun in those giant muds." Jimin shakes his head pointing towards the other part of the beach where five giant tubs along with makeshift slides and castles are fluttering.

"Okay." I say and Jimin nods.

He turns to go retrieve his surfboard with Seokjin following closely behind to do the same. I pick at my sleeve as I step away from the beach chair, keeping a watchful eye on Yugyeom, before realizing Taeri's stepped away and left me alone with Taehyung.

"Anything I can do to change your mind?" he asks as he moves to fold up the beach chairs and collapse the oversized umbrella.

I shake my head, pressing my lips together to keep me from smiling before I admit all it would take is him asking again. My willpower to refuse a second time growing weaker with each second I stay near him.

A few more minutes and I may take my first answer back.

"Thank you for inviting me," I say suddenly, my stomach tying in knots. "I had fun watching."

"That's because I'm fun to be around, Busan." He grins at me, his little dimples on full display. "Contrary to popular belief."

A laugh falls from my lips. "I don't know if I believe that yet."

"Then I guess I'll just have to convince you more."

"I guess so," I say, and my heart flutters as our eyes meet. "I'll be seeing you, Taehyung."

"You will." He nods in agreement as I turn to head home, trying to work the knot out of my stomach as the sand moulds to the sole of my shoe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~///~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's easy to get lost in my thoughts as I find my way back home. I don't know what I was expecting when I showed up, but after spending most of my day with Taehyung and Taeri, it's hard to forget how easy it was to get lost with them.

They don't know me the way people back home did.

They don't know about Yugyeom or that he's gone.

I love him with everything in me, but it's nice to forget how sad I am for a little while. And as soon as the relief hits, it's met with guilt for being okay for even a second.

"You went despite I told you not to go."

"I didn't mean to." I frown as I dig my key out of my front pocket, approaching the front door.

The cut of the key pressing into my thumb as I turn to face him. "I just... wandered there."

"Wandered there?" he asks. "Baby, I specifically told you not to go."

"I know," I tell him, sighing as I unlock the door and step inside. "I know I said I wouldn't go, but it's really not that big of a deal. It was only for a little while and I got to support Jimin."

I share and hold out my arms as I turn to him. "See? I'm okay."

"That's not the point."

"Isn't it?" I frown.

"This isn't the Jungkook I know." My lips curl down as his words hit me square in the chest, causing me to stutter as I try to find the right response. I look down on the front porch as I try to avoid his gaze on me.

"The Jungkook I know doesn't go and do something after he said he wouldn't," he says, and I feel a shiver run over my spine. "He doesn't lie to me."

"I didn't lie."

"You were there, weren't you?"

"Yes, but–"

"But what?" he asks. "Jungkook, you did the opposite of what you said you were going to do. We don't do that. We don't lie to each other."

"I know." I swallow and run my hands over my face, turning away from him as my chest fills with worry. It's becoming harder to breathe.

"I can't... I can't be the Jungkook you know here. I'm trying to get used to this new place and these new people, but it's hard, Yugyeom. These people don't know you a-and... I don't want to hide you, but if I don't, if I share you, then it's like I'm giving the little piece I have left of you to the world and I can't do that."

"Baby–"

"No! You don't get to say I'm acting different," I shout. "I'M DIFFERENT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT HERE, YUGYEOM. YOU WERE ME. MY HEART, MY SOUL, MY EVERYTHING. I can't be me without you."

"Jungkook," he says my name with a frown.

I shake my head and wave him off as I close the door. "Just leave me alone."

"Jungkook!"

My chest aches as I ignore his plea and run up the stairs to my room.

I want to be okay.

I want my identity to be more than just Yugyeom, but it's impossible. He was a huge part of my life, and suddenly he was just gone.

No goodbyes.

No last words.

My heart shattered into nothing.

I come to a quick stop when I reach my room and look behind me, expecting to find Yugyeom there like he would have been when he was alive. He'd wrap his arms around me, holding me steady—anchoring me—and make things right.

A shaky breath falls from my lips when I see he's not there, leaving my heart raw as I move toward my bed and kick my shoes off.

It seems I ache more than anything else these days.

It's all I can feel, and even if I try to remedy it, I don't think it'll fix anything.

Part of me wishes I could just disappear.

Everything would be so much better if I didn't have to hold my breath all the time.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I curl my fingers into a fist and squeeze until my nails are digging into my skin. When I release the tension in my hands, I study the indents left on my palm before reaching for my nightstand and digging my journal out. 

There are these new people in my life. And I'm trying my hardest to keep them at an arm's length because I know that's what you want. To keep myself protected from the world so it can't hurt me, but this hurts more. And I ache for you every second of every day. And maybe that means accepting okay will never come.

My throat burns as I blink back tears, fighting to remember that tears are weakness. It's showing my broken heart to the world, and I shouldn't.

Every piece of me is fighting to hold it in.

To pretend.

To accept my cruel fate.

But it's hard.

Hard to see the good in this. Hard to understand how this can be right.

How being alone is what my destiny is. It weakens my tough exterior as I lean back in bed until my back rests against the headboard.

My chest vibrates with anger as I close my journal and get up to my feet, heading for the patio door to soak in the setting sun.

The reminder to be strong written in the clouds as I lean into the rooftop railing and letting my eyes fall to the horizon.

It's easy to remember that no matter what, I'll find him there. It's easy to get lost in the boy I fell in love with that way.

The one that kept my heart safe for so long and as our eyes meet, I remind myself he still is.

**********************************************************8