For as long as I can remember, Busan has been my home. The place I felt that I was born and the place makes me feel home, and I thought I'd be there forever, but then I met him. But then I met the boy who walked into my life and changed it for the good I was missing until I found him.

Until I found Yugyeom...happened life. I never thought I would be the kind of person who needed somebody else, but I needed him. I needed him like air in my lungs, like the blood in my veins.

I still need him.

He became my home, and now he's gone and I've been falling freely ever since.

I don't know where I'm going to end up, but I couldn't be in there anymore.

I used to love my hometown...a lot...but then I became its charity case. They all knew what happened, and eventually it became too much.

They would always usher, side glance me...those sympathetic looks...They were never gonna know how it feels to be lost.

Mom stopped talking to me...no one will tell me anything...they will just only whisper...those sounds horrible in my ears...pang in my chest...chaos in my mind.

I had to leave that place before I go insane from the empathy. I couldn't handle the stares and the whispers. The constant looks of pity that followed me wherever I went.

I needed a fresh start.

"This is going to be good for us, babe." Yugyeom's voice echoes through my car.

I turn to him with a grin. "Just you, me...Its us always...babe"

"Always." He smiles in my direction, lighting up his entire face as we cross the Busan's border.

The bright blue sign filters my heart with happiness, the kind of happiness I haven't felt in months.

For the last few weeks, I've been driving across the road hoping to find some kind of new normal, but all I've found is more misfortune.

I haven't felt like myself, and I'm not sure this place is the antidote to that feeling, but one thing I know is I'll get to see the waves again.

I grew up on the beach, with the ocean just walking distance away from me, and this might just be the longest I've ever been away from it. There is something soothing about it. Soothing about wherever I go I just don't see those stares which linger onto me with pity.

Being near something that connects us all together. It'll remind me of home, while not having to be there. And it's what I need at this very moment.

A smile crawls onto my lips as the song that fuelled my teenage comes on the radio.

The kind of song that runs chills along your body, that you can belt out at the top of your lungs, and I immediately reach for the volume knob to turn it up as I tap along to the beat on my thin leather steering wheel.

Like a flower in the concrete...

So beautiful and rare...

You gave me hope when I was empty...

Walked me through the fire, you were there...

You're the sun to the moon...

You're my ocean, painted blue...

You, I'm nothing without you...

(Without you, without you)

Yugyeom's laugh joins the melody as I shout the lyrics, dancing along to the music in my seat. It feels good to let go again, and it seems like I can only do it when I'm alone with nothing but the road ahead of me.

The song reminded of my time with Yugyeom...and I feel more closer than I actually am. I never used to be like this—afraid to let my emotions bleed out.

I used to be open, but then I lost Yugyeom and it was like being open didn't matter anymore. He gave me that freedom when I needed it the most, and now, it's just not the same. I feel like a fraction of myself.

Part of me d!ed with him that day, and I'm not sure I can ever get that back. I think I gave it to him, and in all honesty, I'm not even sure I want it back.

It feels cruel to live the way I did before. He gave me the power to be all-encompassing.

I used to want to be around people.

I used to be.

And now I don't know how to go back to that. Go back to the boy the town people used to adore...The life of the party...the boy loved by all.

Right now...I'm just a gust of wind, floating day to day with no idea where I'm going, and I've never been this lost.

Lost without him...my mind don't put rest to these thoughts and feel drowning more and more into them when I can feel it...

Feeling the music made me more distant from my happiness and close to my miseries...closer to reality that he isn't here...he isn't here with me.

"What are you thinking about?"

I shift my gaze from the front to him, before they land on the sign off to the side of the road listing the upcoming towns. Boryeong...Cheonan...Seosan...Dangjin...

On the left side of the road was a hoarding reflective white letters spelling 'Boryeong Mud Festival' stand out with a poster.

The poster framing life in one picture, the enthusiasm from those faces, the happiness...liveliness drawn me. The thing that left me alone was calling out for me and for whatever reason, that ad drew my attention.

It's a flash of a second and for unspeakable reasons, it pulls me in like a magnet.

"Just about where we're going," I mumble quietly.

"We never picked our next stop." I can feel his curiosity dripping in every word.

I turn my head again to find him looking at me, a curious look written on his features.

"Okay, I know that look. What are you scheming?" the playfulness I can't avoid.

"No scheming," I say, shaking my head as I trail my finger over the ribbed inside of my steering wheel until my finger curls around it. "I just—I think I found our next destination."

"Oh, yeah? Come up with it in that big brain of yours?"

"Shut up!" The corner of my lip curls up as my attention moves to the passing street signs, keeping an eye out for the one directing me to Daecheon.

We've slowly made our way across the country, finding small towns and destinations to keep us distracted.

It's been nice to get away, but I can only run for so long before I have to settle. And I've been hoping to end up along the water again.

It's almost like giving me a piece of Yugyeom back. It won't ever be as good as the real thing, nothing in this world is ever going to replace the sense of comfort he gave me.

He was my shining light in the darkness, picking me up whenever I fell down.

But it's something.

I want to say that there is some way to live without him, but the longer I do, the easier it is to realize how utterly alone I am.

I tried to move on, or told myself I did, but I don't think there is such a thing as moving on from him.

From the time I was sixteen, I've known that he was it for me.

He's the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but all it took was one faithless night to ruin everything.

We had everything.

And now I'm left on my own with nothing but a memory of what could have been. The questions of what if's and how's.

I want those memories to be enough.

I need them to be enough, but I know that they never will be. I will always crave for more...I want more to cherish...to delve upon...to want more.

I know its selfish of me to want more but I always wanted more when it was him. It was never enough. It will never be enough.

I'm alone in a world I always thought I would face with him. He was there for every important thing in my life, and I can't fix that.

He won't be there for the rest, and I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to be okay with him gone. Each day seems like being dragged through those painful minutes turning into hours and its already going to be a year and I am still not okay.

The feeling of uncertainty fades with the sight of blues and greens, replacing the cold with warmth in my chest.

A smile spreads across my face as I reach for the window crank, rolling the window down as the smell of salt fills my senses.

The familiar smell reminding me of the beach back home and the hours I spent in the water when I was a kid as I rest my arm against the window seal and let my hand slice through the wind.

"It's beautiful," I mumble.

"Just like home."

My eyes shift to Yugyeom and all I can do is nod slightly in agreement.

I slow until I find an empty stall along the beach and back into it with as much ease as a baby seal, but eventually find myself satisfied with my park job.

My lips curl up as I tuck a piece of my blonde hair behind my ear after killing the engine. The perfect shade of blue lights the sky and a chill run up my spine at the thought of getting to dip my toes in the ocean.

The banner that led me to this place had a date...maybe until then I need to be here...I need and escape from the miseries, life piled upon me. Leaving me alone with the cordialities called loneliness. I feel loneliness, Yugyeom was my everything and now I don't know what to do without him.

"Shall we?" I ask, as I reach for the door handle.

I climb out and exhale softly when my feet rest against the pavement, straightening out my faded charcoal jean and stitched pink sweater. I fix the thick collar, running my fingers over the platinum pendant around my neck. The solid 'J' and 'Y' mingled to each other moving gently over the thin chain it hangs on.

"Not so fast." Yugyeom climbs out behind me. "What's the plan here, babe?"

I wave him off and walk towards the soft sand, slipping out of my sneakers and socks. The moment my feet touch the warm sand, I wiggle my toes and grin as I look over my shoulder.

"Water first, plans later."

Before he can say anything else, I push him out of my mind and lean over long enough to scoop my shoes up, running for the water with a sway in my step.

It feels good to be back to something that has always brought me ease. The sense of familiarity fills me up to my core as I dig my toes in the wet sand.

Surfers trail the waves, illuminated by the mid-afternoon sunlight. There were never many surfers in Busan despite the waves, and I always wondered why. I find them fascinating, the way they're able to carve the water like they're one with it.

"It's good," Yugyeom hums next to me. "Not as good as home, but good."

"It's different." I exhale, shifting my gaze back to the water. It settles on a surfer in the water as he rides the wave out.

A shiver runs over my arms as my eyes follow his perfect execution of effortless motion when his board cuts through the trough.

Water drips from his blue hair, the sun shimmering along his wet skin. He looks like an angel sent down from heaven—a saviour. An angel with blue hair.

"Different can be good, don't you think?" I point out.

"Not always."

"No one knows me here, Yuggy." I frown as I move up the beach, burying my feet until they're coated in small particles of sand before sinking down to sit.

He follows behind me, his shaggy hair in his eyes as always. "No one knows us here."

"Trying to forget me, Kook-ah?"

I shake my head. "Never, but they can't take you from me...here. Here, you can be just for me and no one else."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"How can you be sure?" I huff, squeezing my eyes shut to bask in the sun's warmth. "I miss you, Yugyeom."

"I'm right here." His hazel eyes meet mine and it's almost like his words are true and he is here with me, but I know better.

He's a figment of my imagination, and if people knew I was seeing my dead boyfriend's ghost, I'd surely be done.

It's insane, and I know it's no good for me.

How can I move on?

How can I heal?

But maybe that's the real reason I left.

This is all I have left of him.

Memories...our fragments of memories...

If I let them go, and I let myself feel that grief—then he'll be gone forever, and what would I have then?

Nothing.

It's unhealthy, but I can't let go.

He needs to be with me.

I promised him my 'Always', and I can't break that promise.

I won't break that promise.

He deserves to be remembered—adored.

"What's going on in that head of yours?" Yugyeom asks after a moment of silence.

I shake my head, unsure of how to speak the truth as I lay back in the sand. It melds to the weight of my body, embracing me as I shut my eyes and take a deep breath.

I don't even know what I'm thinking about.

For the first time in a really long time, I feel this underlying note of happiness in the pit of my stomach and it's leading to an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

Guilt for being happy when Yugyeom's de@d.

Guilt for letting even an ounce of happiness in when he's not here to share it with me.

It feels wrong.

Exhaling softly, I bring my hand up to shield my eyes from the sun as my eyes flutter open, catching sight of the pier in the distance. The distinct off-white and purple-pink building at the end of it grasping my attention, and the curiosity that comes along with it.

In need of another distraction, I sit up and dust my feet off before slipping my socks and shoes back on.

"Where are you going?" Yugyeom asks when I stand up, heading back up to my car. I ignore his question as I unlock the door and climb back inside long enough to reach into the passenger side to grab my bag off the floor and crank the window closed.

"Jungkook!"

I turn to him as I open my bag, slipping my keys into the front pocket before tossing the strap across my body.

"What? You're the one that was always talking about going with the flow."

"And where exactly is that taking us?"

I shrug. "I don't know."